Yea, Im the other woman

[istilllovehim]

Yea, Im the other woman and I hate him and her and me~

[LILUIL]

**** happens. we all make mistakes, we all go through funny stages in our life.....

 

whatcha gonna do about it? that matters.

 

"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Every one can decide NOW to make a brand new ending"

[VivianLee]

LILUIL....some of us have tried to give this person advice...but they basically just want to tell their story and relive the "drama" and just hear "go for it"......so instead of her getting "a drama fix" by retelling everything....here's some links to the "whole story"....all together about 12 or so pages....

 

istilllovehim Thread I

 

 

istilllovehim Thread II

 

 

I'm not judging her for what she's doing with the MM....that's not it at all....it's the drama and craziness she's exposing her son to that made me quit reading her posts......I want her to be safe and happy but I don't think she wants to be happy. Some people seek chaos and feed on drama.....it's like a drug....a drama junky!!

[istilllovehim]

I am far from a drama junky! If I were, then I would still be in the whole mess. I am done with him and her. I believe that there are 5 stages to healing although I don't know what they are, I am sure that anger is one of them. Today I don't hate, I am at peace. It is over and I am about to live a happy life. A life that I choose. This morning I woke up and thought to myself that I have nothing to worry about anymore. I don't have to worry about her coming after me. I don't have to worry about him cheating on me. I don't have to worry about him lying to me. I don't have to worry about him breaking my heart. I have nothing but time.... to have a wonderful life. And today I am happy!!! Truly happier than I have been since this whole mess with him started! Does anyone know what the five stages are anyway?

 

And thank you for your thoughts! Although it didn't seem like I listened, I did. The things you said (especially Debster and Vivian Lee) were always in my mind, like a constant reminder of how things were going to be. I am truly greatful. Now I can lend my support to others who are in need. Because now I have "been there, done that". I am walking away with my sanity and others can do the same thing.

[VivianLee]

I'm praying for you and hope you stay strong.....I found this via search...

 

Suddenly Single? The 5 Stages of Grief

 

Death of a spouse or breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar responses in a person. Each person mourns a loss differently. However, there are 5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning the loss of a relationship. These were adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, 'On Death and Dying'

 

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

Suggestions when you find yourself suddenly single

 

Avoid long term legal decisions. If you are in an emotional state its better to put off long term legal decisions until your thinking is less cloudy.

 

Drive carefully. It’s easy to become distracted when you are grieving so use care when you get behind the wheel.

 

Seek support for your kids and yourself. Your kids are grieving along with you and will need support. It might be wise at this point to have separate grief sessions apart from your children if you're experiencing anger and resentment.

 

Maintain rituals. The children most likely will feel insecure and abandoned at first. Maintaining the same patterns of holidays, birthdays, Saturday outings, etc. will give them a sense of normalcy and consistency.

 

Nurture yourself. You need to care for your spiritual, emotional and physical health. No one else will do it but you. Take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Eat healthy, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happened.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The information is free to reprint in any format provided the information at the bottom, including this, remains intact. Reprinted from Single Parent Central, http://www.singleparentcentral.com, which offers information and resources to single parent families

[Debster]

And thank you for your thoughts! Although it didn't seem like I listened, I did. The things you said (especially Debster and Vivian Lee) were always in my mind, like a constant reminder of how things were going to be. I am truly greatful.

 

Thanks and I am glad that it helped you get out of the situation.

Good luck and stay strong.

[istilllovehim]

This is officially day one of NC. But not NC til he comes back... There is no more Christopher and me! There is just me being strong. I am stronger today than I was yesterday but that all comes from my closure (you'll have to read my other post). There is no sense of being depressed over something that you cannot change, you just have to find a way to accept and move on. I am sure I will have my ups and downs, so far it has mostly been ups. I have always said to people, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I believe that more than ever. So day one... its okay. I am still at peace and I am smiling. I hope it gets easier from here...

[kiababy]

To Istilllovehim.....I was reading through some of your threads and was shocked at some of the events you described....him leaving his wife for you....her threatening to commit suicide...you and her confronting him...my god!!!!

 

My posts are under the thread One More Other Woman. I came on here looking for some kind of....outlet for my feelings. I obviously can't talk to anyone about my situation. He's 26 I'm 42. I have children, he and his young wife don't. There is clearly no future here but I'm soooooo attached to him. I thought I was in love but several of the women BLASTED me and told me in no uncertain terms that I'm not.

 

Can you tell me what the turning point was for you? When did it go from just a fling to the two of you becoming a couple? Even a short-lived one. I'm not sure what your status is today, please let me know. This is my third affair with a married man. The first one I don't see or talk to anymore, number two is in the midst of a divorce (nothing to do with me) and although we talk allllll the time, I can't bear to go through the trauma of a divorce again...even if it's someone else's. That guy is trying to hang on to me but his timing sucks....... and then there is number 3.....I feel like I saved the best for last.

 

But there is a lot of stuff I would not put up with...like his going out and getting drunk with his buds. On several occasions he has called me at 3:00 a.m. begging me to come pick him up from some bar....he didn't want his friends to drop him home, I gently refused each time and encouraged him to go home. which he would do and then call me from his couch, whispering.

 

Lately things have changed....in a nutshell: he's known all along that I date but has become jealous of the other men I see, he suddenly wants me to take pictures of him to 'keep in (my) wallet', he invited me over to his house when his wife was away 'to see what it would be like if we were together', he told his boss and a co-worker about me, wants me to meet them someday, and asks me to leave messages on his cell - which he proceeds to play for them......

 

Does any of this sound familiar? I did not get involved with him thinking it would be more than a brief fling once he admitted to me he was married. We share passion, understanding, total acceptance, and in a strange way complete trust - I will never be able to explain that people so there is no point sweating me about it!

 

Am I in something that is starting to turn messy? Is it too late to get out? I'm asking you because you're probably the only woman in the world right now that can read this and understand where I'm coming from. I ask about getting out but I can't even imagine life without him right now.....

 

Thanks

 

p.s....if you don't feel like answering me I'll understand...all the best

[shortbus74]

my ex husband cheated on me...and what was so bad is the girl knew me and I knew her....all I can say is shame on all people involved.....

 

 

 

sorry... but that is how I feel

[kiababy]

I am so sorry that happened to you. As bad as my choices are the one thing I could never do is get involved with someone who's wife I knew (I state that elsewhere on this site)......I know it's no consolation to you but you get him on holidays.......the other woman doesn't

 

I wish you all the best.

[Debster]

I am very familiar with istillovehim's posts and I have responded to your post. I don't see any similarity between them.

 

Istilllovehim was in a prior relationship with her MM prior to him being married.

As far as I can tell from her posts, she felt guilt and remorse for coming between a marriage. As far as I remember, this was also the only time she was the OW. How the situation plays out is completely different and so is how she responds to it.

 

You, on the other hand have had three relationships with MM, slept with this guy after an hour, appear to have no remorse about it, insinuate that it's the wife's fault that her husband cheats AND you have the gall to say that at least the wife gets him on holidays.

 

As for being BLASTED in your post - give me a break. Quite frankly after all the women who have been hurt by being cheated on, or being the other women and dealing with the hurt and disapointment of getting your heart broken - what did you expect? You come online, proudly proclaim this is your 3rd time being the OW, insult women and insinuate that it is their fault, you still want to date others but yet you are in love?

 

I think it is rather selfish that you want her to relive how they got together, especially considering how hard it was for her and very recently ended.

 

The two of you are worlds apart.

[istilllovehim]

Debster,

Thank you for replying to Kiababy's post. I have tried to respond many times today only to just close out the whole thing because honestly I dont know what to say. Kia, our situations are different. This was the first time that I have ever been an OW. I did feel remorse because I too once was a wife and couldn't imagine the hurt that I would have felt if my husband did that to me. I do not want to relive this whole mess again. I just want to move on and be happy again. I want to find "Me". I lost "Me" in this situation but because the relationship only lasted 2 months this time, I cant be too lost. This whole no contact thing is hard but I feel so damn strong right now. I could take on the world..j/k... . But at the same time I am sad! Mostly because I feel like a fool...his fool. I just wish you luck in resolving whatever makes you feel the way you do. I am working on resolving mine. And yes Debster... I believe that I am going to prove you wrong! I am glad that it will make you happy as well

[pitprincess]

I just set through 3 hours of reading, 5 glass's of tea, a pack of ciggys, a box of tissues..

I am going to have to watch this topic a few days and see how things goes before I post my thoughts on this.

[kiababy]

I don't why Debster hates me so much - but I never ever said I was proud this was my 3rd affair with a married man. She reads into it what she wants to so, whatever. I keep dating because I want to find someone for me....duh!

 

I apologize - I did not read all of your posts and didn't know that you had a prior relationship with this man, and I wasn't trying to say we were the same, I just wanted some insight. What the other women don't GET about my posts is that I WANT HELP.

 

And apart from Vivian Lee who was very compassionate and honestly tried to get to the bottom of why I behave the way i do and actually helped me to understand a lot of things about myself......you are the only other woman who's been a little kind.

 

That's the problem, maybe if I had had a nice female friend to encourage me to put the brakes on in the beginning, maybe I would have found the strength to resist. Unfortunately that was not the case, I have no female friends, the few male friends I've tried to talk to about this say 'Right on!' and high-five me.

 

Come to think of it, if my mother wasn't so hostile towards me, would actually let me come to her and tell her my problems....maybe things would have been different.

 

Debster also focuses on the fact that I slept with him within one hour of meeting....if we had not continued to see each other he would have been my one and only one night stand. But the chemistry is what it is.

 

As for the other two men? Well, the 2nd guy was already separated but they happened to be under the same roof. They did get back together a couple of times during our relationship but I didn't find that out until recently, once they had filed divorce papers.

 

The first guy was my best friend at work. I felt SAFE being friends with him because he was married.....

 

I am really happy for you, you were able to walk away from him - so far. I wish you nothing but the best and hope I can find your courage

[Debster]

You will find a whole spectrum of opinions on this board ranging from people who can be (in my opinion) 'enablers' or 'supporters', 'counsellors' and others that belong a little more to the 'tough love' form of advice. But that is to be expected from posting and asking for advice - you will get advice but it may not be what you want to hear or expect to hear.

 

Obviously I tend to be more 'tough love' however I was never cruel in my posts to you and did not insinuate that I hated you. I do not hate you. I just do not approve of your behaviour and feel your posts portray you as acting selfishly and childishly. You can choose to agree or not - just like I can choose to view you based on your actions.

 

What do you want? Someone to hold your hand and tell you that I understand that while you say you don't want to mess up this guys life you can't seem to get the strength up to tell him you don't want to have an affair with him? Someone to tell you that it is ok to cheat just so long as it is because you are too weak to withstand the chemistry? That it is ok to hurt others as long as it makes you happy? That because you have issues from highschool that means you are entitled to take what you want now? If so, I'm sorry you will never see those words from a post from me.

 

True - you never said you were proud of having been the OW three times. I'll give you that. However, the fact that you have done that three times shows you either have not learned from your mistakes or choose to ignore the fact that people get hurt by your actions. Did you ever think that maybe had you not been in the picture the first guy you cheated with could have gotten back together with his wife. Obviously they tried to make it work (as you found out) but this was during his relationship with you. I think you like to portray yourself a little too innocently in this situation.

 

You say you want help. Fine - I provided my advice. If you don't like mine, I believe you received a mixture of opinions on your post. You may not like the advice you receive and you may not choose to follow it, but you can't say that you didn't get help.

 

I said it before in your post and I'll say it again - I think you have issues with women that might have developed based on your relationship with your mom.

What you choose to do with that is up to you.

[kiababy]

That guy's divorce has nothing to do with me, repeat - nothing to do with me. I met him when they were already separated - he is a recovering drug abuser, and she has some kind of gambling or shopaholic addiction or something of that nature. They could not cope with their combined problems.

 

Their relationship was already OVER. If they had not been still under the same roof he would have been just another separated guy.

 

You sound A LOT like my mother "....it's ALL YOUR FAULT Kia....ALL YOUR FAULT... "

[kiababy]

It's only half my fault.

[Debster]

I never said it was all your fault. Granted I do think it is at least half your fault.

If this guy were to post, he would get much of the same kind of response from me.

However, you are the one posting so you are getting it.

 

My comments are based on your behaviour and actions. I believe your actions and behaviours are wrong.

 

As for the comment about me being like your mom - that was uncalled for. Especially considering what you posted about her earlier.

 

You ask for help and opinions and then you make a comment like that.

 

Play fair kiababy.

[kiababy]

O.K. I'm sorry I said you were like my mother. Obviously you're not, at least you listen to what I'm saying. I'm not on here looking for an argument, or looking for someone to enable my behaviour. I clearly know it's wrong, and it's a very lonely choice to make.

 

I want a normal life, I want to actually be able to go out with a man that I care about and not have to hide. I hate sneaking around.

 

I want him to be happy...with his wife. I meant what I said in a much earlier post - all my romantasized fantasies of he and I together involve - no kids, which I have. Just he and I alone together...he clearly does not fit into my life. I can't imagine having a normal family life with him around. It's the only relationship in my life where I'm totally submissive. I literally wait on him hand and foot. Please don't ask me to explain it. I don't know why he has this hold over me.

 

I worship him. I let him do things to me I would never let anyone else do. I don't know why. I need help.

[Debster]

Even though I am an advocate of tough love, I do feel badly for you.

 

I want a normal life, I want to actually be able to go out with a man that I care about and not have to hide. I hate sneaking around.

 

Keep repeating that to yourself.

 

Everyone DESERVES to have someone they can love openly and who loves them openly in return. I respond to most posts in the OM/OW section (most are OW) not because I want to belittle the OW, but because I want to encourage them to realize that they are getting the short end of the stick and opening themselves up to a lot of hurt. Also of course, I want them to stop doing something that is so hurtful to others. Yes, there are the odd number of cases that work out but the vast majority of affairs only end up hurting everyone involved. The wife is devastated. The other woman often ends up broken hearted or she gets the creep (who will then, chances are, cheat on her).

 

Nobody wins.

 

As for why he has this hold over you. He doesn't. You LET him have this hold over you. So stop giving him the power over you. Quite frankly I think a lot of it has to do with the chemistry. But chemistry is not enough. Sometimes even love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

 

The easy, practical solution is to get out and find someone who is free, willing and ready to be an equal partner. I am a firm believer in relationship karma. If you stop involving yourself in hurtful relationships, you open yourself up to find a great relationship.

[kiababy]

Thanks for the kind words, I do appreciate what you're saying and I am trying to form some kind of normal relationship. The soon-to-be divorced guy is my best prospect right now, we've developed a great friendship even though we don't actually see each other that often now. I was a little shaken by his admission that he's a recovering drug abuser but he's been clean for 18 months and attends meetings about 4 times a week. If he stays clean, I will certainly stay around until the dust settles (the divorce) and I told him that.

 

I want so much to have a normal family life - I'm a child of divorce and of course I'm divorced so I would like to have a traditional, peaceful home. I already own the home, the car and I have the kids. I just need a great man ti add to my life.

[pitprincess]

Just wandering how things are going?

[kiababy]

Here's where things stand: I have not broken up with the married guy yet. We haven't spoken since last Friday, which means I'm due for a phone call tomorrow, asking why haven't I called. I don't know what I'll say but I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to break free.

 

Soon-to-be divorced guy might drive out to see me this weekend but I doubt it - 2 hours is a long drive, and I have my kids this weekend so he can't come here, we'd have to meet at a restaurant or something.

 

I have a date tomorrow night with a teacher I've dated on and off for a year and a half. He's also 26 and will be moving into his first house in July or August. He wants a wife and children, HIS OWN children, so no dice there. I can't have anymore kids because I had a hysterectomy two years ago....and how can I start life with a 26-year old? I keep asking myself that.

 

The 20-year old and I still see each other once in a while.

 

My life is still so very, very complicated.

 

Putting it down in writing helps a lot. It helps me put things into perspective but iit all seems so overwhelming.l

[otherwomen]

I still love my MM. Have since 2000 when we started seeing each other.

A best friend of mine (ex now) told his wife and since last year we haven't been together.

We went to HS together, didn't like him back then.

I really miss him. I'm still in love with him.

I wish I wasn't and could move on, I don't know how.

I feel so lonely.

Plus we were all friends and went on vacations together.

:(

[kiababy]

I feel your sadness honey, I can only imagine how that would feel. I came close to having that happen - the married guy I'm seeing now used to see lots of other girls before me; after we met and started seeing each other he dropped them one by one - one of the girls got angry and called his wife and told her about their affair.

 

Understandably his wife was devastated. We could not see each other for 2 months after that happened, we could only talk on the phone. He never wants to go through that again which is why I guess I'm still in there - I don't cause him any trouble, don't call him constantly, don't ask him to take me anywhere, would never ever call his wife.

 

I would love to tell you to forget your MM and move on but I know that if you could snap your fingers and do it you would, right? Meeting a new person doesn't erase the memory of the one you lost.

 

Maybe you want the same thing I do: to meet someone that gives you everything your MM did: the same feeling when you look into his eyes. the same passion. For me it's even as detailed as the smell of his skin, his hair, how his lips feel - that's what it would take for me to leave him. You can't replace those things but with time, hopefully we'll find another experience that's exciting, beautiful and satisfying in it's own way.

 

Feel free to cry on my shoulder anytime luv.