To and Fro... Journal...

[Paroxysm]

(I usually post in this forum under a different name, but for the sake of anonymity.... since my ... ex ?! as of last night, knows my user name and will likely not browse random threads, I've decided to scream, cry, bitch and rant under this one)...

 

I don't know what to do. We got into an argument last night, and things quickly escalated into getting physical. They've been "mildly" physical between us once before - yet, this was way different.

 

I know it's over.

 

But this man has been my life for the past several years. I have no idea how to cope or get through this. We've come close to breaking up more than once before, but ugh. It can't go back from this, can it?

 

I have to get it together for my children and my studies and to make sure I can cope enough to make it in "society" so that we have a place to live. But I really just want to curl up and cry myself into some kind of mind-deadening coma.

 

I admit I'm a co-dependent nut. I haven't been in therapy for a few months (I got my ass off of state aid and it was no longer free, but my therapist also left from that program anyway) - then the other therapist I've been trying to see since does not have a secretary. And the few times her busy schedule had an opening, I was either out of town or I just flaked and forgot to check my damn phone until the next day, and the spot had already been filled.

 

So I realize I'm at fault here too. But I'm tired of writhing in instability. "Medication" has never worked for me. I apparently have BPD and God knows what other labels people have created to identify those tormented by similar things. I had no place being in a relationship. I haven't ever, really.

 

It unfurled from a mess, what did I really expect?

 

I don't know think I can get close to anyone. I become absurdly attached and usually an accumulation of things occur where I find myself unable to trust them anyway. I just feel sick.

[Paroxysm]

Extremely sick and extremely desperate.

 

The sad truth is that I would rather have another experience like last night than to face, every single day of life, from now, without him. Yes I know it's raw as all hell, but I don't know how I'm going to get through this.