Unsure if this qualifies as abuse?

[goingnumb]

In a married relationship for 19 years with five children. My spouse has a laid back personality most of the time. I have always been very docile when it comes to fighting because my parents fought all the time. He does drink - at times to excess. He's not a "mean drunk" - mostly passes out.

 

The few MAJOR fights we have engaged in, I admit, I felt afraid because his temper under certain conditions is "boiling mad".

 

Last week we got into a screaming match, something we don't normally do, especially in front of the children, but it escalated and he cocked his arm back and made a fist and got into my face. Thankfully, I stood my ground, unafraid. I pointed to my cheek and said, "Go ahead." He turned and left. In subsequent email exchanges (he is out of state at the moment - he commutes every other week to our home until he finds work in our new state) he stated three times that even though he didn't hit me, "I deserved to be smacked" and "the only reason he didn't was because he didn't want to give me an 'easy way out'" (meaning the marriage).

 

He also continually says that I have a distorted view on things. Whenever I try to explain my feelings or point out where something he said or did was inappropriate - he says it is "warped" or "distorted".

 

He has a lot of pent up anger because we have intimacy issues and I understand that, but I wonder now - if the next time - he won't follow through? Again, I've never been afraid, but I feel so beaten down - so much a shell of what I used to be 20 years ago.....

[Kcelleste]

In a married relationship for 19 years with five children. My spouse has a laid back personality most of the time. I have always been very docile when it comes to fighting because my parents fought all the time. He does drink - at times to excess. He's not a "mean drunk" - mostly passes out.

 

The few MAJOR fights we have engaged in, I admit, I felt afraid because his temper under certain conditions is "boiling mad".

 

Last week we got into a screaming match, something we don't normally do, especially in front of the children, but it escalated and he cocked his arm back and made a fist and got into my face. Thankfully, I stood my ground, unafraid. I pointed to my cheek and said, "Go ahead." He turned and left. In subsequent email exchanges (he is out of state at the moment - he commutes every other week to our home until he finds work in our new state) he stated three times that even though he didn't hit me, "I deserved to be smacked" and "the only reason he didn't was because he didn't want to give me an 'easy way out'" (meaning the marriage).

 

He also continually says that I have a distorted view on things. Whenever I try to explain my feelings or point out where something he said or did was inappropriate - he says it is "warped" or "distorted".

 

He has a lot of pent up anger because we have intimacy issues and I understand that, but I wonder now - if the next time - he won't follow through? Again, I've never been afraid, but I feel so beaten down - so much a shell of what I used to be 20 years ago.....

 

 

It's not a good idea to argue or fight in front the children. I believe screaming or yelling is a form of verbal abuse. It's disrespectful and it's shows your children that it's ok to act out in that way in a marriage.

 

You two should seek out marriage counseling to learn how to communicate in ways that are less stressful. If there are things that you are battling with from the past that don't involve your husband. I suggest you seek counseling or other ways that you comfortable with that can help you.