betterdeal Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Of course you can leave him. You are not responsible for his addictions, and by staying and making his life easier you are encouraging both his substance abuse and his flirting. More than that, you are putting his needs above your own. He is a mess. You are a mess also. You don't see it now, but you will when you get out of this situation. This is hurting you and the more you give to him the more it will hurt you. I can understand you not wanting to confront him - maybe you're not ready to do that - but you can make plans to get out of the situation. Talk to friends or relatives and get support. Pick a day and move out. Lose all contact with him and stay away. This relationship is terrible for you. You are worth so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 it doesn't help he has a alcohol and drug problem so I can't leave him Of course you can leave him! His problem is his problem, not yours. You are not responsible for his problems, nor is it possible for you to fix him. You don't have that kind of power. No one does. Everything you post about this guy's flirting, behavior, everything is screaming that you should dump him because he is NOT behaving like a solid, reliable, decent guy. He is already hurting you and will continue to do so. You can leave him. If you don't, you are ENABLING his problems to continue and get worse. At which point, YOU will be even more hurt. Unless, you LIKE getting hurt? You LIKE being the one he screws over? Do you believe you deserve to be crapped on and lied to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 No definitely not. I guess I better leave now before anymore deeper. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 It could be innocent it could not. It is the unknown and that is what bothers me the most. On his Match profile it says looking for friends but it also says dating which is another catch 22. He flirts with women alot but do I think he would hook up with them?? I don't know...... He says we are monogamous and I pray he stays that way but why is he talking to other women?? He really doesn't have many friends besides is neighbor and his Aunt and Uncle which I guess doesn't count because they are his blood relatives. Maybe it is possible he is just looking for friends on Match, Craigslist,etc but on the same hand why get defensive when I simply ask why is he flirting with people on facebook if it is supposedly casual. I want to keep giving him chances but his chances have run out and it doesn't help he has a alcohol and drug problem so I can't leave him. I am in quite a jam:confused: whoah, whoah, whoah!!! His usage of alcohol/drugs is HIS problem It's HIS choice. Why do you think you HAVE to stay with him, because of that? You're setting yourself up to be an enabler, with that attitude. From my own experience---people with addictions will never get better , they will never change their self-destructive behavior, if someone makes excuses for them, and always catches them when they fall. Enabling like that only increases the downward spiral--they will sink lower, and lower. You might think you're helping--but it actually makes it WORSE. For example---your bf LIED to you about his plans for Friday. Are you going to let that slide? If you do---it's like giving him permission to lie again. And again. And again. Addicts lie. It's what they do. To everyone around them, and even to themselves. A person who's lying to themselves, is never going to be honest with the people around them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Do you think his drinking and drug problems are caused by his behavior?? I mean he never used to be like this. The sneaking around, the flirting, the passing out and not waking up until the next day. Monday evening he came home from work drank and then passed out and I even attempted to wake him up and he was so knocked out a robber could of came in took all of his stuff and be on his way. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 It's all inter-related and you cannot fix it. I know it's hard, but you have to detach from his problems and deal with your own. Get out of it now and save yourself further heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I saw the girl he is supposedly going out with and needless to say she's not exactly gorgeous. He always always goes after these girls who are bottom of the barrel if you know what I mean. He will go after a girl who say looks like rosie o donnell or someone who looks like someone who looks like they haven't showered in days. People who basically can't get dates he is going after them.Im not a 10 but let's just say I look kinda like Katie Holmes the girl next door type not exactly a 10 but pretty cute. So why is he going after these bottom of the barrel types? Is it a ego thing and it's obvious I wouldn't get jealous so why lie ? Link to post Share on other sites
tbooie Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend has a major flirting problem. He flirts with people online, He flirts with people at work he flirts with people at restaurants. It is like he needs his ego stroked all the time. He is faithful to me and freaks out when I hang out with other guys or happen to talk to another guy but he can flirt with girls online and flirt with them at restaurants but I can't. We have discussed it before his flirting problem but he always brushes it off like it isn't a big deal. I have never had a BF that has such a major flirtation problem. Has anyone even heard of this before?? It is almost like he is addicted to getting attention from the ladies. He always asks me do you love me am I good but then he goes around and flirts with people. My ex boyfriend that I just broke up with was the exact same way. He is insecure about himself. He needed all sorts of attention from girls and it was pretty sickening. When I hung out with friends that he has met and knows he'll ask me questions such as did you sleep with them? It was bizzare. I broke up with him because I found out he was continously texting another girl even calling her at 2am when I wasn't there. He told me she was a good friend of his that lived in his home town....I kept asking him what is her last name that was when he told me the truth. I am not saying your boyfriend is a lier and cheater like my ex was but becareful. Sometimes guys who are insecure needs attention that you can't give them and they going seeking for it in different places. ***also I've seen him talking and getting pictures of fat girls and watching fat girl porn too. Im a pretty petitie person and so was his ex girlfriends** Edited November 18, 2011 by tbooie Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 He could very,very well be an insecure person. I am a little self-conscious because I am very slim and I am always self conscious. The funny,funny part is he is always ragging on overweight people like look at that fat guy and girl ewwww. He rags on them but yet he is picking them up? Go figure that one out. Like I said his picking up women on the dating section of Craigslist could be very,very innocent and he could want a friend or it could be something he does just to stroke his ego and say look at me I got someone ugly or someone overweight. He says he would never betray me but what happens when he is working or after work I just do not know. Unless I have a private spy I will never know but I do know he flirts with this girls I just do not know if it is friendly or him sneaking around and hooking up I just do not know. Link to post Share on other sites
tbooie Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 He could very,very well be an insecure person. I am a little self-conscious because I am very slim and I am always self conscious. The funny,funny part is he is always ragging on overweight people like look at that fat guy and girl ewwww. He rags on them but yet he is picking them up? Go figure that one out. Like I said his picking up women on the dating section of Craigslist could be very,very innocent and he could want a friend or it could be something he does just to stroke his ego and say look at me I got someone ugly or someone overweight. He says he would never betray me but what happens when he is working or after work I just do not know. Unless I have a private spy I will never know but I do know he flirts with this girls I just do not know if it is friendly or him sneaking around and hooking up I just do not know. I know your pain and I've been through it myself...but how happy can you be in a relationship if you keep on wondering whats hes doing? is he texting or talking to someone?...It is very painful to be with someone like this. I was with him for 6 months and even though things sucks right now I know im better off in the long run. Imagine 1 year or 2 year from now when you are really invested in a relationship and possibly have your kids and he cheats on you....how would it feel then compared to now? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Like I said his picking up women on the dating section of Craigslist could be very,very innocent and he could want a friend Seriously? You think he is contacting women on the dating section of Craigslist because he wants a friend? In what universe does that even make any sense? The only thing you don't know is if and how often he's had sex. But you do know he's cheating - picking up women on Craigslist is cheating. And if you are so uncertain of what he is doing that the only way to know for sure is to hire a detective, your relationship is pretty much over. You can't have a relationship with someone who is trolling for other women. Don't let him give you an STD. If you stay with him, make sure you ALWAYS use a condom. Craigslist has a lot of skanks and hookers on it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 He rags on them but yet he is picking them up? Go figure that one out. 1. They're easy. No one else is picking them up - he has no competition. 2. He rags on them to throw you off so you wouldn't consider he'd be interested in them. 3. He's attracted to them, but is embarrassed to let anyone know because they'd make fun of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 He's an a-hole when it comes down to it and when I confronted him he got defensive and said I would never cheat on you Nikki never. Could of fooled me could of fooled me. Why does he troll for other woman?? He talks about how much he loves me and his how innocent his flirting is but I saw clear as day him flirting with another girl on facebook chat and she was not a looker by any stretch. Why let me meet his mother, grandma and his siblings if this is some kind of joke to him?? If he didn't care about me why invite me to meet the most important people in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
tbooie Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 He's an a-hole when it comes down to it and when I confronted him he got defensive and said I would never cheat on you Nikki never. Could of fooled me could of fooled me. Why does he troll for other woman?? He talks about how much he loves me and his how innocent his flirting is but I saw clear as day him flirting with another girl on facebook chat and she was not a looker by any stretch. Why let me meet his mother, grandma and his siblings if this is some kind of joke to him?? If he didn't care about me why invite me to meet the most important people in your life? I went to his hometown 10 hours away. Paid for the gas, paid for the food, paid for the hotel. ( he was unemployed at the time) to go see his close relatives after a month of dating....I thought it was something special too..When it comes down to it he is a selfish and immature person who thinks about himself and no one else but himself. Boy do I feel stupid after we broke up...that I did so much Link to post Share on other sites
jkam87 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I have been accused of having this problem, but, at least in my case, its not really flirting, its just how i talk to women. I smile, i joke, i like to make them laugh, but its just how I am. maybe your bf is the same way. its just how he makes connections to people. it may even be why you fell in love with him in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
Author NicoleM Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 We are on a break now. He said he was going to get some help and talk with a counselor and work on his issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts