Very attracted to another man, but love my guy so much

[SecretlySad]

I just posted this question on another relationship forum and received nothing but condescension and horrible name calling. I was wondering if you guys might be able to help by offering some adult advice!

 

I have been with my partner for 7 years. Even though we have a loving relationship, things can get a little dull and monotonous sometimes, like a lot of long term relationships. At times I can feel very lonely and our sex life isn't exactly thriving. He is very overweight and continues to gain wait despite constant promises of losing the weight. I have always encouraged him but never nagged.

 

About 6 months ago I started communicating with a man via Twitter. He is a very famous athlete – another thing the people on this other forum didn’t believe. He isn’t some poser, he is the real person, believe me.

One night while my partner was busy on his computer, I got a little tipsy and started getting a little too flirty online (via my iPhone) with this man, basically telling him that if I ever find myself a single girl again, I'll be calling him up. I KNOW how terribly wrong this was, and if I found out my partner was doing the same thing I would have been devastated, but I was caught up in the moment, flattered, and it had been a long time since I was made to feel wanted. Not that that is any excuse.

 

After months of nothing I got a message from this man last night asking if I was still "lovey dovey", i.e. still in relationship. Being the person he is and getting the attention he does, I was surprised he was even still thinking of me.

 

I feel all kinds of things right now. Guilt and frustration just to name a few.

I want to make one thing clear. I would never cheat. Despite most of you probably thinking that what I said to him online is a form of cheating anyway, I would never go ahead with the physical act.

The people on the other forum told me to end things with my partner if I no longer find him physically attractive. Apparently it is JUST THAT EASY.

 

I feel like telling my partner about this would just unnecessarily hurt him so I have decided to keep it to myself, but I am also curious to know what this other guy is thinking. Guys?

Edited November 7, 2011 by SecretlySad

[jnj express]

What you have to realize is that big time athletes, are the biggest womanizers, there are---they have a different woman/groupies, in every city they play in, and are always looking for another notch in their belt

 

If you just want raw, unfeeling sex, then that is what you will get----there will be no emotion, nothing----to an athlete, you really just another groupie

 

Are you really willing to risk, a perfectly good relationship, for one night of sex, and it won't necessarily be that wonderful.

 

As to your situation with your partner----why do you NOT ,sit him down, and lay down the law to him---tell him, he either picks up his romanticism, and drops the pounds, or you WILL end this, and find someone, to be in your life, that will make life worth living

 

You do not have to live in dullsville, make your partner make some changes. W/out some consequences no one will change if they don't have to---if your partner wants you bad enuff, he will change---IF YOU MAKE HIM, thru consequences

 

Please don't get yourself involved with an athlete, you will only get hurt, believe me he has a woman in every city he plays in!!!!!!

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing to you? Wouldn't you want your partner to be honest with you? You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and disrespect. The choice is yours?

[SecretlySad]

Are you really willing to risk, a perfectly good relationship, for one night of sex, and it won't necessarily be that wonderful.

 

Oh gosh, of course not. As much as I miss passionate sex… I am only 29 and honestly can’t remember the last time I had it… my man is a wonderful person and I wouldn’t. That’s why I am struggling so much with this. I am racked with guilt.

 

How would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing to you? Wouldn't you want your partner to be honest with you? You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or dishonesty and disrespect. The choice is yours?

 

I just feel as though telling my partner “I was talking to so and so online. I told him I wanted to screw him but have no intention of doing so” would cause unnecessary hurt and confusion.

 

And my partner has told me before that if he did something he knew would upset me, he wouldn’t tell me.

[mike111]

I feel like telling my partner about this would just unnecessarily hurt him so I have decided to keep it to myself, but I am also curious to know what this other guy is thinking. Guys?

 

I think it's good that you are sticking with your man. But he does have problems that are causing you pain.

 

The athlete guy probably has a score of women he does this with. Might be his hobby. Some guys get addicted to this kind of stuff. Remember Tiger Woods?

 

If the man you are with won't change and it's making you sick, you may have to move on. But never have an affair on the web or in real-life, unless you are single again. You will never forgive yourself. Keep your dignity and self-respect intact above everything else. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others. Flings and affairs just aren't worth it when it comes to losing that.

 

mike

[whichwayisup]

First focus on your husband, not this OM who makes you feel good and blush..

 

If your husband is overweight, help him, encourage him..go for evening walks, join a gym together, or play tennis, something fun that will help him lose weight, stay in shape and you two can have alone time together doing a sport. I'm sure he feels like crap and is probably depressed, no motivation to change his ways.. He needs you, needs to feel that you love and desire him reguardless of the weight. Don't give up on him or on your marriage.

 

Sure it feels great to have a crush or be desired by someone else, but that's just an ego feed and a quick fill in moment to put a smile on your face. Back OFF of this 'famous' OM. You'll regret going down that road.......

 

Change the food items in your house, no more junk food, just healthy snacks and home cooked meals, no McD's or other fast food..

[USMCHokie]

Yea, as much as I'd like to say that it's on your dude to whip himself back into shape, you might have to step in and help him. And you're going to have to be forward and aggressive about it. I don't think subtle hints like swapping out bad food or mere suggestion of more physical activity will help. You need to lay it down to him that he needs to get himself into shape because it's important to you and ultimately important to the relationship. It should also be important to him. If he doesn't get that, he might need to consider packing his bags, because it will only get worse, and he will simply drag you down with him.

[SecretlySad]

Yea, as much as I'd like to say that it's on your dude to whip himself back into shape, you might have to step in and help him. And you're going to have to be forward and aggressive about it. I don't think subtle hints like swapping out bad food or mere suggestion of more physical activity will help. You need to lay it down to him that he needs to get himself into shape because it's important to you and ultimately important to the relationship. It should also be important to him. If he doesn't get that, he might need to consider packing his bags, because it will only get worse, and he will simply drag you down with him.

 

I wish it was that easy. He doesn’t respond well to what he considers being “nagged” – which is pretty much everything. He tells me to leave him alone and he’ll do it in his own time. I can’t even make a joke about it without him getting mad. He’s a 46 year old man.

[whichwayisup]

Yea, as much as I'd like to say that it's on your dude to whip himself back into shape, you might have to step in and help him. And you're going to have to be forward and aggressive about it. I don't think subtle hints like swapping out bad food or mere suggestion of more physical activity will help. You need to lay it down to him that he needs to get himself into shape because it's important to you and ultimately important to the relationship. It should also be important to him. If he doesn't get that, he might need to consider packing his bags, because it will only get worse, and he will simply drag you down with him.

 

The guy could be depressed or just going through something. To tell him to pack his bags if he balks on the losing weight thing isn't the right way to handle this.. UNLESS ALL efforts lead to nothing. Seems this is recently starting to bother her. I think if she opened up and spoke to him about how and why she is feeling the way she is, try to reconnect with him, then life could be better with them as a couple. To bail out coz the guy is gaining weight isn't cool.

[USMCHokie]

I wish it was that easy. He doesn’t respond well to what he considers being “nagged” – which is pretty much everything. He tells me to leave him alone and he’ll do it in his own time. I can’t even make a joke about it without him getting mad. He’s a 46 year old man.

 

The guy could be depressed or just going through something. To tell him to pack his bags if he balks on the losing weight thing isn't the right way to handle this.. UNLESS ALL efforts lead to nothing. Seems this is recently starting to bother her. I think if she opened up and spoke to him about how and why she is feeling the way she is, try to reconnect with him, then life could be better with them as a couple. To bail out coz the guy is gaining weight isn't cool.

 

Whichwayisup, her post above is very telling of the relationship dynamic...if it's truly your belief that sticking with someone that acts so immaturely and selfishly is the right course of action, then I can only accept your opinion...perhaps he's rich...? Otherwise, life is too short to waste it on unhappiness.

 

By the way, in my opinion, the athlete is pretty irrelevant in all of this...there are deeper issues at hand.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sounds like you just came from the Christian couples brow-beating forum.

 

Lot's of good an fair appraisals on this thread so far. Maybe this is your time for a reckoning where you'll have to face something that will always be a big deal--breaking up. You are wasting precious time with Mr. Procrastinator who thinks he's gonna live forever. I'm not going to advise you to make a decision on who to go with, just don't beat yourself up too much. Some folks have said to push your husband hard into change--if that doesn't work, you might then tell him about this as it is still a flirtation and not yet an acted out infidelity. If that doesn't shake him up, nothing will and you should probably face that it's in your best interest to walk--he is not looking out for his much less yours.

[jnj express]

You do need to do something about your relationship, or you, yourself, are going to end up cheating as some of the above posters suggest.

 

This guy is 17 yrs older than you, and wants to be left in his sedantary life----Since he won't change it is time for you to return to the active human race.

 

Unless he supports you completely, why would you stay with an overwieght, older man, who does nothing for you sexually----this isn't even a nice guy situation, for nice guys usually treat their partners very well, they just don't turn them on---Your partner isn't even a nice guy---he's just an overwieght older man, who wants to be left alone----you need to wake up that fact, if nothing else!!!!!!

[USMCHokie]

Unless he supports you completely, why would you stay with an overwieght, older man, who does nothing for you sexually----this isn't even a nice guy situation, for nice guys usually treat their partners very well, they just don't turn them on---Your partner isn't even a nice guy---he's just an overwieght older man, who wants to be left alone----you need to wake up that fact, if nothing else!!!!!!

 

Maybe he's funny...?

[Space Ritual]

I feel like telling my partner about this would just unnecessarily hurt him so I have decided to keep it to myself, but I am also curious to know what this other guy is thinking. Guys?

 

No,

 

Sadly you are only protecting yourself. You are not "unnecessarily" hurting him by holding this back...you have already done that. You are hurting him by not being honest. Of course you need to realize that regardless of celebrity or not that you are probably going down a slippery slope that will end up biting you in the ass.

 

I feel sorry for your partner. Please show some common decency and inform him of your treachery and allow him tio make his own decisions as to whether to remain in the relationship. I think you are in a fog and somewhere along the line you may be getting a proverbial boot up your ass(as in you will be discovered soon by your partner or someone else.)

 

You want adult advice? Then start acting like an adult.

[Steadfast]

Someone should (and probably will) start a thread titled:

 

"How to get what I want, when I want it without guilt or repercussions"

 

Your post and situation is so typical...or topical, take your pick. The obvious answer is dump your 'partner' (he's not her husband) and frolic with whoever you want. Thing is, that takes away a whole bunch of handy, doesn't it? I'm betting the residence, food, car and cash are all riding on your decision...or lack of one. Why does this person's celebrity status make the temptation to cheat stronger than with a 'normal' guy? I think we both know the answer to that. Very shallow. Some might, or maybe have said "how could you not?"

 

Look, there is something to be said about not throwing away your integrity due to the issues of your partner. The fact is, if your relationship was truly whole, he'd do everything in his power to make you happy (including living a healthy lifestyle) and you'd do everything in yours to reassure him that you won't bolt because of them. Two selfish people in a relationship is a relationship that's destined to fail. Real love doesn't constantly need the partner to constantly give in order to make the other feel better about themselves. Real love adds to a truly fulfilled life, it can't, and shouldn't be asked to sustain it.

Edited November 8, 2011 by Steadfast

[Forever Learning]

I wish it was that easy. He doesn’t respond well to what he considers being “nagged” – which is pretty much everything. He tells me to leave him alone and he’ll do it in his own time. I can’t even make a joke about it without him getting mad. He’s a 46 year old man.

 

 

You can do better if you're guy won't work on improving his relationship with you in ways you need improvement from him. Good luck.

Edited November 8, 2011 by Forever Learning

[sadcalifornian]

You have two issues going on right now. One is your relationship with H. I suggest using MC to address your complaints and fix it. Going outside the M to deal with your marital issues is the stupidest thing one can do. It's a path of self-destruction. It wouldn't surprise me if your H also has some complaints about his M. The difference is your H is being faithful and you are not. You are an adulteress with this EA going on.

 

As for your asking us what OM wants, are you kidding me? You really do not know? When a man approaches a married woman like that, what possibly do you think he is after ultimately. Yes, he may still enjoy chit chat with you, talking about life in general, but there is this sexual agenda lurking inside him to enable to spend all this time and energy with you. I am sure he has other friends to talk to, right? It can't be that he has nobody else in his life to talk to, and you are truly the only one to enage in conversation with? Do you believe that?

 

Stop this EA right now. Stop all and any contact with him. That comes first. And, then work on your M with your H. If your M becomes so hopeless that you have to give up, then file D and do whatever you want.

Edited November 8, 2011 by sadcalifornian

[SecretlySad]

Thanks for all your great responses, guys.

 

You're a 29 year old woman with an older, fat, out of shape guy, but you're fantasizing about having sex with this athlete stud while referring to your partner as--and this a code phrase for can't wait to have sex with someone else-- "he is a wonderful person". You need to be honest and stop wasting your boyfriend's time by talking yourself into staying because he is a wonderful person, when in reality you're not attracted to him at all. Girls are not attracted to "wonderful guys"., right? It sounds like your partner is in the "friend zone".

 

I think you’re right. Even in the early days of our relationship I always avoided sex. I didn’t even realise it at the time.

 

When he and I got together I was a very different person. I was just about to turn 22 with the mentality of perhaps a 15 year old. I had just ended a tumultuous relationship and he was there to help me through it all. I fell for him. Some call it the “knight in shining armour” syndrome. Ever since then he has been my protector, and he has always cared for me.

 

I know several women who have opted for the nice guy because they wanted security or were sick of dating, only to end up leaving him for a true soul mate.

 

I’ve never depended on him financially but I do live at his house. If things were to end I would have to move out and move on. Yes I’ll admit I would miss the security.

 

Maybe he's funny...?

 

He is.

 

That has always been the thing I loved so much about him – and the thing that always attracted me to him the most. He makes me and everyone around him laugh. His sense of humour is unlike any I have ever known. That and his kindness towards others.

[SecretlySad]

If you live at his house you are dependent on him.

 

Ok, well we call it “our” house, but he was there 15 years before I arrived (we still rent). His name is the only one on the lease.

 

So… if I was to do this… how can I go about it?

 

NOT being unfaithful of course but… ending things?

 

I do love him. Despite what you guys might think, I really do. And I don’t want to break his heart. I care for him very much and he has been a great person in my life.

 

But I have to face facts.

 

I can’t spend the rest of my life (or my youth) having unenjoyable “let’s just get it over with” sex. It’s not fair. On either of us. It's not just this OM, it's been a few guys over the years who I have been attracted to and they've been attracted to me. Not that it's ever gotten as far as it has with this OM.

 

I take pride in my body, I like to look good. I wear makeup, do my hair and dress nicely every day. You would never ever catch me in a pair of sweats.

 

How do I tell a man that thinks I hung the moon, that I am ending things in our seemingly perfect relationship because I am not physically attracted to him. HOW?!

Edited November 8, 2011 by SecretlySad

[SoulStorm]

Ok, well we call it “our” house, but he was there 15 years before I arrived (we still rent). His name is the only one on the lease.

 

So… if I was to do this… how can I go about it?

 

NOT being unfaithful of course but… ending things?

 

I do love him. Despite what you guys might think, I really do. And I don’t want to break his heart. I care for him very much and he has been a great person in my life.

 

But I have to face facts.

 

I can’t spend the rest of my life (or my youth) having unenjoyable “let’s just get it over with” sex. It’s not fair. On either of us. It's not just this OM, it's been a few guys over the years who I have been attracted to and they've been attracted to me. Not that it's ever gotten as far as it has with this OM.

 

I take pride in my body, I like to look good. I wear makeup, do my hair and dress nicely every day. You would never ever catch me in a pair of sweats.

 

How do I tell a man that thinks I hung the moon, that I am ending things in our seemingly perfect relationship because I am not physically attracted to him. HOW?!

 

I personally think you are being superficial. You are still young..no doubt and it is very normal for you to seek after physical attraction. There may come a time in your life where it is not as important, but right now, at this stage in your life..your hormones are screaming to pro-create and seek the most fit and strong male to do so.

 

Being "wonderful" is good in thought and deed, but hormonally, it's not what you want.

 

What if he suddenly got into shape after you told him you want to break up?

What if he finds another woman who likes him because he's "wonderful" and now well fit?

 

You are totally well within in your rights to feel like you do, however, long term, it will be a decision you may soon regret.

You say you love him..looks like that isn't enough.

[jnj express]

If you have a decent job, you are dpendent on NO ONE

 

why don't you see if he will go to a sex therapist---give it a try, what is there to lose

[SecretlySad]

I personally think you are being superficial. You are still young..no doubt and it is very normal for you to seek after physical attraction. There may come a time in your life where it is not as important, but right now, at this stage in your life..your hormones are screaming to pro-create and seek the most fit and strong male to do so.

 

I have absolutely no intention of having children.

 

You are totally well within in your rights to feel like you do, however, long term, it will be a decision you may soon regret

 

So what to do in the meantime? Just carry on this way?

 

why don't you see if he will go to a sex therapist---give it a try, what is there to lose

 

Not a chance in hell. He thinks everyday therapy is for crazy people, asking him to go to a sex therapist would be the ultimate insult.

 

Besides… ok confession time… this is a problem I don’t know if I even want fixed.

 

True there are a million wonderful things about him, but then there is the other side of the coin.

 

When we fight he gives me the silent treatment – once it lasted for 2 days! Not a lot of fun when you share the same house. I am at the point where if he says or does something to upset me, I keep it to myself rather than speaking up, because it's better than dealing with the crap that follows.

 

I feel controlled sometimes – he makes snide remarks when I wear certain clothes or hang out with certain people.

 

He is not at all sexually open-minded. People who enjoy things such as pole dancing for fitness or burlesque are “sluts”.

[Eddie Edirol]

If you are really going to break it off with him, then you have to start planning your moving now. Look for apartments, find one, put down a deposit. If you think he will lock you out, move your stuff while he isnt there. Then you tell him exactly the same reasons you told us here. Tell him straight up. Hes controlling, youre not physically attracted to him, you avoid sex with him, hes too sexually boring for you, you dont like his silent treatment, and you want to be with someone who wants to keep in shape like you. Youre a different woman now, and you want different things.

 

You have to tell him straight up so he can decide if he wants to change those specific things for the next woman. That way he wont have to keep asking you questions.

[jnj express]

Hey secretsad----lets take a look at your future

 

Right now he is what around 47, and he is already old, sedentary, grouchy, with tight morals, and very set in his ways, and he doesn't really wanna be bothered----you are in the prime of life, and frustrated

 

He won't do a thing to change anything

 

Move 10 yrs. into the future, he will be what, 57, and you will be 39----I guarantee you, he will want to do even less, be way more sedantary, and have probably even less of a sex drive than he does now----you will still be wanting to live life to its fullest, and you will be frustrated, somewhere in the next 10 yrs., you probably will cheat, if you are still with him----every thing points toward that outcome

 

Look at it like this---he was here for you, for this part of your life, he helped you thru your 20's, and everything that went with it---but at this point for you to experience normal life/growth---you need to leave him behind

 

You can't take this dinosauer with you---you do not want to cheat, and hurt him, so you need to explain to him, what you need for your future, and you need to move on

 

THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!

[nofool4u]

I want to make one thing clear. I would never cheat. Despite most of you probably thinking that what I said to him online is a form of cheating anyway, I would never go ahead with the physical act.

 

uh huh, if you were alone with the guy in a hotel room, you ride him for all he is worth.

 

 

I feel like telling my partner about this would just unnecessarily hurt him

 

well if you don't think you haven't already cheated, then why would it hurt him? maybe its because deep down you know you have already betrayed him.

 

 

so I have decided to keep it to myself, but I am also curious to know what this other guy is thinking. Guys?

 

who cares what this other guy is thinking. if you are going to stay with your bf, and are going to keep him in the dark, then I suspect we don't give a rats butt what this other guy thinks or your desire to know what he thinks.

 

if you are going to stay with your bf, the only question you need to ask yourself is, how quickly are you going to stop chatting with a man you are attracted to and telling him you'd be with him in a heartbeat if you weren't taken?