Very attracted to another man, but love my guy so much

[carhill]

From my read of your past threads, OP, and reading this one, I would opine this LTR has run its course and it's time to move on, for both of you.

 

The other man, the athlete, is, as mentioned, seeing you as a fun potential. Think of the dynamic as an entry in his 'black book', a common saying in my generation, where men would engage with random females in their travels and collect a 'harem' so as to have a companion and/or sexual partner during their wanderings. Some of these men were single and some were married. Most had 'happenis', the condition of the wandering penis.

 

Time to trade security for freedom and spread your wings and fly alone. That's what a mature adult does. You're there. Good luck

[SecretlySad]

Thank you again for your continued contributions, guys.

 

uh huh, if you were alone with the guy in a hotel room, you ride him for all he is worth.

 

No, I wouldn’t. I said I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t.

 

Believe me this is not the first opportunity I have had to get my hands on a young, fit man. In 7 years the opportunities have come along many times. As much as the temptation was nearly overwhelming I always turned them down. My words may say cheat but I could never go ahead with the physical act. Not even so much as a kiss.

 

Look at it like this---he was here for you, for this part of your life, he helped you thru your 20's, and everything that went with it---but at this point for you to experience normal life/growth---you need to leave him behind

 

You can't take this dinosauer with you---you do not want to cheat, and hurt him, so you need to explain to him, what you need for your future, and you need to move on

 

Time to trade security for freedom and spread your wings and fly alone. That's what a mature adult does. You're there. Good luck

 

I agree with you guys. Carhill your last paragraph was great, thank you.

 

I just don’t know how to go about it… he is not going to understand…

 

The other man, the athlete, is, as mentioned, seeing you as a fun potential. Think of the dynamic as an entry in his 'black book', a common saying in my generation, where men would engage with random females in their travels and collect a 'harem' so as to have a companion and/or sexual partner during their wanderings. Some of these men were single and some were married. Most had 'happenis', the condition of the wandering penis.

 

Is it wrong that I couldn’t care less about this? In fact I find it quite exciting?

 

I am nearly 30 and I haven’t been single since I was 17 (give or take a few weeks/months in between relationships). I always felt like I had to have someone there. I was/am dependant and a serial monogamist. Maybe I have reached the point where I don’t want that anymore? For now anyway?

[Eddie Edirol]

I just don’t know how to go about it… he is not going to understand…

 

He will understand if you start giving him sort of ultimatums before you break it off.

If he gives you the silent treatment after you upset him,

if he wants sex but doesnt turn you on first,

whatever he does that you dont like,

you say "If youre going to keep doing that, I dont know if I can be with you anymore."

 

Then he will already know whats going on, and wont be blindsided when you actually leave him.

[carhill]

There's no doubt there are/were women who inhabit(ed) black books who enjoy(ed) their roles thoroughly. If that's you and that is the path, own it and have fun. Anything is possible. One never knows what tomorrow might bring. This attraction could be the canary in the coal mine of change. Where it ends up could be in a completely different place and this will serve merely as a signpost along the path. Be honest with the man who has pledged his security and love to you about the change in your heart and leave him on a positive note, then pursue whatever paths you choose regarding this attraction or another yet to occur.

[seibert253]

I just read through all of this and one thing strikes me; have you sat your BF down and told him everything you've told us? Why not?

 

Relationships are about honesty and communication. If you cannot be honest and communicate to your partner, then you have no relationship. Don't give me the "he would not listen or understand", how do you really know. Do you 100% KNOW that he would not take all this in, and not have a I need to get my sh#t together moment? No you don't.

 

Maybe I'm missing something somewhere, but in reading what you've wrote, I feel you still do have some deep seeded love for your BF. You're just bored and unhappy with your life, and the direction your relationship has progressed. Like many "walk away wives", you want to runaway to fantasy land instead of rolling your sleeves up and peeling away at the issues that are stagnating your relationship. It's easy to blame the other person and fail to see the issues YOU have. It's not all your BF's fault that your relationship is failing. I bet if you explore it with him, he takes alot of issue with things you do or do not do. For whatever reason, the two of you will not sit down and explore these, and try and fix it. Quiting and losing is easy. Fighting and winning is not.

 

Listen, if you truly do not love you BF anymore, then you owe him one final act of kindness; to be honest with him about all of this and let him go.

 

Peace and Good Luck.

[nofool4u]

Thank you again for your continued contributions, guys.

 

 

 

No, I wouldn’t. I said I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t.

 

Believe me this is not the first opportunity I have had to get my hands on a young, fit man. In 7 years the opportunities have come along many times.

 

I don't believe you. Much more for the reason that you seem to put yourself in situations where you can field opportunities to get your hands on a young fit man.

 

I don't believe you put yourself in situations, as if you are feeding an ego fix, then all of a sudden say, "nah, not interested".

Seems you put yourself in those situations. And all this coupled with you saying you find it exciting that this other guy only sees you as a piece of ass. ya, like I am going to believe you don't want to ball his brains out in a hotel somewhere 1000 miles away from your bf.

 

Either way, whether you would or you wouldn't, you are disrespecting your man. Maybe you need to address that. And maybe its because you are the way you are that he has no self confidence about himself.

Edited November 10, 2011 by nofool4u

[SecretlySad]

I just read through all of this and one thing strikes me; have you sat your BF down and told him everything you've told us? Why not?

 

Yeah, I don’t think you guys are quite getting it.

 

He shuts down.

 

Completely.

 

At the first sign of any “serious” talk.

 

Always has.

 

I lost count of the amount of times I have said to him “we need to be able to talk, I am just being honest with you” to a cold stone-faced him, completely ignoring me. Do you know what he said last time after I'd finished poured my heart out to him? “Are you done?”

 

I don't believe you. Much more for the reason that you seem to put yourself in situations where you can field opportunities to get your hands on a young fit man.

 

They ALWAYS come to me. Yes I enjoy the flirtation and the ego boost, but that’s as far as it goes.

 

My man is just as flirtatious as I am.

[Discjockey80]

May I ask why you are dating a 46 year old man as a 29 year old woman? For no other mere reason than he is a wonderful man?

 

Sounds like you need to get real and realize that you biologically NEED to be with someone closer to your age. Someone who is not nearly as heavy weight wise and someone who shares the same vigor for life that you do. I can tell you right now that 46 years old and 29 years old are guaranteed to be incompatible in the long-term. They are two different stages in life completely. He could physically be your father (17 years old) in theory. Different generations and different experiences.

 

The biggest insult a woman can give to a man is using him as an emotional cruch when he deserves to be wanted and desired for all of him....not just the one narrow state of mind he satisfies for you 'some of the time'.

[SecretlySad]

May I ask why you are dating a 46 year old man as a 29 year old woman? For no other mere reason than he is a wonderful man?

 

I went from immature 20-something BOYS to this MAN who treated me with respect and decency. That and I have never met anyone who made me laugh as much as he does. Sense of humour is a huge thing for me.

 

Perhaps part of me was also looking for a father figure... creepy as it may sound. My dad was an abusive alcoholic who would put me down verbally. I always seeked his approval.

 

Now that I am older, I feel like, as someone else mentioned, this part of my life is over. But how the hell to tell him? He absolutely worships me. I don't mean to sound egotistical but he really does. He loves me to death.

The biggest insult a woman can give to a man is using him as an emotional cruch when he deserves to be wanted and desired for all of him....not just the one narrow state of mind he satisfies for you 'some of the time'.

 

I completely agree. You couldn't be more right..

Edited November 10, 2011 by SecretlySad

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I don’t think you guys are quite getting it.

 

He shuts down.

 

Completely.

 

At the first sign of any “serious” talk.

 

Always has.

 

I lost count of the amount of times I have said to him “we need to be able to talk, I am just being honest with you” to a cold stone-faced him, completely ignoring me. Do you know what he said last time after I'd finished poured my heart out to him? “Are you done?”

 

 

 

They ALWAYS come to me. Yes I enjoy the flirtation and the ego boost, but that’s as far as it goes.

 

My man is just as flirtatious as I am.

 

Then you need to sit down and tell him to shut up and listen to you otherwise you're walking out the door and never coming back. let him know how serious this is, and how him shutting you out is making you feel bad and also let him know 'how close' you are to cheating on him. Trust me, that WILL wake him up.

[jnj express]

Hey Sad------Funny thing, but you haven't laughed once, thru this entire thread

 

Your future is not a joke

 

If this guy won't discuss, and won't do anything to satisfy you----then you know as well as all of us, who keep telling you---it's time for you to be movin on

 

Your BF, who rescued you, will be fine----he knows what is needed to keep you, and he doesn't want any part of what you suggest, so I think you full well know what you need to do!!

[Eeyore79]

I have to agree with the posters who pointed out that you're a young vibrant woman in your twenties, while your boyfriend is a fat old man who's approaching 50. I can understand why, as a young woman, you may have appreciated him acting as a father figure to you - but now you're grown up and don't need a father any more, and this man isn't suitable as a boyfriend for someone of your age.

 

I actually had a neighbor who was in the same situation a few years ago. She came here from another country, and struggled until she met her boyfriend, who helped her and gave her a place to live. I think she confused gratitude with romantic love. She was young, smart and pretty, while he was old and unattractive, she wanted marriage and he wasn't interested in commitment. As she matured and became more independent, she didn't need him as a father figure any more, and he obviously wasn't boyfriend/husband material. Last I heard, she'd met a man her own age and they were getting married.

 

Anyway, my point is that as we grow and mature, we grow out of some of our old relationships and move on to new ones. It sounds like you're growing out of your relationship with this man, and are at a point in your life where you want things from a partner that he can't offer (like sex and attractiveness, fun and energy). If that's the case, then the kindest thing to do is be honest with him: end the relationship so you can both get on with your lives.

[sexual chocolate]

.....but you don't worship him, and you are doing him and your relationship a bit of a disservice by schlepping along and delaying the inevitable. Don't stay in a relationship because of fear, obligation, or guilt.

 

A sense of humor is very important for a woman from an attraction standpoint, so it makes sense that you initially took a liking to him. What stands out reading your posts is that you're at a point where you're looking really hard for mitigating factors and his positive qualities as to why you should be in this relationship, but it doesn't seem to come naturally. You're talking yourself into staying against your better judgment.

 

I know a woman who is married to a man 11 years her senior, and it is becoming a major issue with her looking ten years younger than her age and the husband actually looks older. She too opted for security and stability when she got married in her thirties, overlooking genuine attraction and compatibility, and it is a complete mess because she wants out.

 

You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Do the right thing and move on.

[SecretlySad]

I have to agree with the posters who pointed out that you're a young vibrant woman in your twenties, while your boyfriend is a fat old man who's approaching 50. I can understand why, as a young woman, you may have appreciated him acting as a father figure to you - but now you're grown up and don't need a father any more, and this man isn't suitable as a boyfriend for someone of your age.

 

Well put. I think you (and the other posters!) have well and truly hit the nail on the head… it just seems so unfair to him. He hasn’t DONE anything wrong. He isn’t abusive or disrespectful to me, my friends or family, he takes care of me and treats me well. He is a good man. I know I need to think about myself here but it just seems so unfair… I feel like I have used him.

 

I actually had a neighbor who was in the same situation a few years ago. She came here from another country, and struggled until she met her boyfriend, who helped her and gave her a place to live. I think she confused gratitude with romantic love.

 

I absolutely think this is what I’ve done. I was so grateful for all he’d done for me.

 

As far back as I can remember in our relationship, I have avoided sex. It just never felt… right. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and the thought of having to do it makes me sad. SAD. It shouldn’t do that.

 

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I find him repulsive. I could hug and kiss him all day and I love when we have that type of affection, just… not any further. I almost does feel like I am having sex with my best friend, and not in a good way… if that makes any sense?

 

What stands out reading your posts is that you're at a point where you're looking really hard for mitigating factors and his positive qualities as to why you should be in this relationship, but it doesn't seem to come naturally. You're talking yourself into staying against your better judgment.

 

You’re absolutely right.

 

I know a woman who is married to a man 11 years her senior, and it is becoming a major issue with her looking ten years younger than her age and the husband actually looks older. She too opted for security and stability when she got married in her thirties, overlooking genuine attraction and compatibility, and it is a complete mess because she wants out.

 

Me again.

[nofool4u]

They ALWAYS come to me.

 

I made the statement that you put yourself in situations where you can field these "opportunities"

 

So are you just sitting at home and someone knocks on the door and says, "hey, you're hot, I want you!" ?

 

 

Yes I enjoy the flirtation and the ego boost, but that’s as far as it goes.

 

flirtation is the signaling of interest from one to another, sexual interest to be precise. so it already went far enough.

 

People with a need for ego boosts don't have a good fidelity track record.

[Eeyore79]

He hasn’t DONE anything wrong. I know I need to think about myself here but it just seems so unfair… I feel like I have used him.

Sometimes people fall out of love, or realize they were never in love to begin with. That doesn't mean you used someone - not every relationship ends in marriage. Sometimes you just have to admit that you gave it a try but this person isn't the one for you, and you both need to move on.

 

As far back as I can remember in our relationship, I have avoided sex. It just never felt… right. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and the thought of having to do it makes me sad. SAD. It shouldn’t do that.

This suggests that you really don't do it very often. I assume you probably have a normal desire for sex, just not with him? So you're bottling up your own desires while at the same time avoiding sex with him. Could you face not enjoying sex for the rest of your life? Could you face having regular sex with him in order to have children, or could you cope with not having children because you simply won't get pregnant if you don't have sex?

 

One thing I know for sure is that once you have these sort of feelings about someone, they don't go away. I suggest you think long and hard about whether you could live your whole life without romantic love and sex, or whether you want to call time on this relationship while you still have the opportunity to find love with someone else.

[Trimmer]

I can’t even make a joke about it without him getting mad.

I know the thread is kinda past this at this point, but regarding relationship dynamics, I just wanted to point out that if you are making jokes about things that are otherwise serious relationship issues (and nearly make-or-break issues for you at that, although it's not clear if he knows this yet...) then I can see a partner getting frustrated or mad about that. I don't like people approaching a serious relationship issue by joking their way into it... But on the other hand, I acknowledge that you have tried to address things seriously with him as well, without useful response from him...

 

Well put. I think you (and the other posters!) have well and truly hit the nail on the head… it just seems so unfair to him. He hasn’t DONE anything wrong. He isn’t abusive or disrespectful to me, my friends or family, he takes care of me and treats me well. He is a good man. I know I need to think about myself here but it just seems so unfair… I feel like I have used him.

OK, so here's the deal, and it's a very unromantic view of relationships, but so be it: people stay in relationships for just as long as all of the positives put together outweigh all of the negatives put together. Simple as that. Both you and he had free will to choose to stay in or get out of this relationship, the fact that you're not married even puts a finer point on that.

 

Other posters may argue that your attractions and "flirting" with other men are inappropriate (I would point out that attraction is a feeling, and flirting is a behavior, and I treat those as different things as to how they interact within a relationship, but I think that's a fine discussion for another thread.)

 

Did you use him? We all "use" our partners to get the positives, for as long as the outweigh the negatives. Did he use you? He has stayed with you for as long as the positives have outweigh the negatives for him. I guess my question would be: have you failed to deliver something you owe him, that you committed to, that you promised?

 

In deciding to leave, you may feel like the negatives have finally tipped the scale for you. Just because that might not be the case for him, and you may feel some guilt about it doesn't mean that you "used" him. You have both had the free and open opportunity to bring up any issues in the relationship, and to stay or leave as you saw fit.

 

The fact that you feel like you may have used him is another echo of the points you acknowledged, that your relationship is based in a significant level of dependency and gratitude. Bottom line: he did what he did willingly, and always had the ability to say "this isn't worth it".

 

Incidentally, the fact of your not being married makes me wonder: did you guys make any long-term commitments, plans, promises to each other? Did you specifically (or just subconsciously) avoid making such commitments and plans?

 

I am nearly 30 and I haven’t been single since I was 17 (give or take a few weeks/months in between relationships). I always felt like I had to have someone there. I was/am dependant and a serial monogamist. Maybe I have reached the point where I don’t want that anymore? For now anyway?

I wonder if it's time for you to learn to live on your own - to not have to fill the empty space with another person to feel like you are whole.

 

I think a person benefits, developmentally, from learning to live and function as a whole human being without having to rely on another. That's not to say this is how we should live forever, but rather that when you can see yourself as a whole, capable human being on your own, then when the opportunity for a relationship comes along, it can be a supplement to an already complete life, instead of a crutch to fill that empty space, and I believe that makes for both a stronger life and a stronger relationship.

[SoleMate]

You're a 29-year old woman in a r/s with a 46-year old man, who is very overweight and continues to put on the pounds and does not heed your requests to lose weight (or even find a plateau). Your life together is boring. The best thing you can say is "he is a very good person". You are susceptible to dangerous fantasies about other men (even obvious poor choices like a pro athlete/obvious cheap player).

 

Based on the above, I would urge you to seriously consider leaving this r/s. NOT to be a temp plaything of the athlete, but to be alone for a while and then go find a man who really meets your needs.

 

Many people (men and women) find it very important that their partner not be grossly overweight. Physical attraction (however you define it) is extremely important for longterm r/s success. Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley to understand this fact in detail.

 

It's not that you would never fantasize about other men if your bf weren't overweight, but you would find those fantasies easy to shoo aside. IMO. Please consider it.

[SecretlySad]

Sometimes people fall out of love, or realize they were never in love to begin with. That doesn't mean you used someone - not every relationship ends in marriage.

 

I think this is what I am beginning to realise. Maybe it never has been love? Maybe it has just been this amazing friendship which I didn't want to let go of because I felt so happy, safe and secure.

 

I want to make one thing clear - neither of us want marriage or children, me especially.

 

This suggests that you really don't do it very often. I assume you probably have a normal desire for sex, just not with him? So you're bottling up your own desires while at the same time avoiding sex with him.

 

The last time we had sex was when we went away for a holiday... in July. I wouldn't call my desire for sex normal, I would call it off the charts. The last time I had passionate sex with someone I wanted to was about 8 years ago, I can't even remember how good it felt.

 

Many people (men and women) find it very important that their partner not be grossly overweight. Physical attraction (however you define it) is extremely important for longterm r/s success.

 

It’s not just the sexual attraction either when it comes to his weight. It’s a whole bunch of things.

 

We live in a beautiful beachside suburb yet haven’t been down to the beach (it’s about a 10 minute walk from our house) for a swim together ever. He is too embarrassed about his body yet makes no effort to lose the weight. I don’t want to make him feel worse about himself so I just accept that I will be having another beach-free summer. If I spend the day down there with friends then that’s a day away from him. He has offered to come to the beach with me, just sit on the sand (fully clothed of course) instead of swim with me. It’s very kind but my idea of a fun day out at the beach isn’t swimming on my own while my partner sits on the sand sweltering in high temperatures. No thanks.

 

I used to be an active person. Beach, pool, going away on weekends. Even back in July when we holidayed we couldn’t walk too far because his thighs would rub together and cause painful chafing. I would have loved to have walked all day exploring the city.

[Trimmer]

The last time we had sex was when we went away for a holiday... in July. I wouldn't call my desire for sex normal, I would call it off the charts. The last time I had passionate sex with someone I wanted to was about 8 years ago, I can't even remember how good it felt.

Can you clarify something? Are you saying your desire for sex is off-the-charts low, and that's part of the reason why you have satisfying sex so infrequently, or that your desire for sex is off-the-charts high, partly as a result of satisfying sex being so infrequently available in your life?

 

Kind of a fine point, I know, but I can read your comment either way, and the two possibilities say slightly different things about your current relationship dynamic. (Although either way, you might well wind up coming to the same conclusion overall...)

[SecretlySad]

Can you clarify something? Are you saying your desire for sex is off-the-charts low, and that's part of the reason why you have satisfying sex so infrequently, or that your desire for sex is off-the-charts high, partly as a result of satisfying sex being so infrequently available in your life?

 

Off the charts high. The thoughts I constantly have would rival any man’s.

 

I want to ask… have any of you ever done anything similar to this? I mean, led someone else on while you were in a relationship, for whatever reason? Right now I am feeling like the only – and worst – person in the world.

[SecretlySad]

No offence Quantum Weapon, but quite frankly you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t think your nasty judgmental attitude is necessary.

 

First of all, there are many couples who don’t want to marry, for their own reasons. Personally I consider it to be incredibly outdated, pointless unless you’re religious and if anything bad were to ever happen between a partner and I, I would much rather just pack my things and move out rather than having to go through the strain (and financial strain) of legal proceedings. I never ever want to be a divorcee.

 

MY PARTNER IS NOT RICH, nor has he ever been. Up until about 5 years ago the man didn't own a car or even have any savings. Most weeks I make more than him, and I always pay my way and then some. Money has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

 

I am not wallowing in self pity and heaven knows I don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but I feel very alone and was just wondering if anyone had been through anything similar.

 

If you don’t have anything positive to contribute please don’t worry about replying to my thread.

Edited November 16, 2011 by SecretlySad

[Saul Goodman]

You know SS, it seems like most of the posts here are pretty much getting at the same idea. Perhaps you should start formulating a plan for your future, if you haven't done so already.

 

I want to ask… have any of you ever done anything similar to this?

 

Yep. Pulling the bandage off quickly vs slowly...

[SecretlySad]

Yep. Pulling the bandage off quickly vs slowly...

 

Really? I’d love if you’d share with me (over pm if you’d prefer)

[Saul Goodman]

Really? I’d love if you’d share with me (over pm if you’d prefer)

 

I've already shared a large amount of my personal life on LS so there's no need to pm it. It isn't a very interesting story anyway.

 

Met my first gf in college. After 3 years I didn't really "feel it" anymore; the relationship had basically run its course then and there. My situation was a little different in the sense that we still had regular sex and my gf was not overweight. She was actually more physically active than I was. So I kept quiet for half a year, then cheated on her with another woman for around a month. Came clean. We stayed together for another two years and I pretty much had no idea of what I wanted. I let my love for her (I never stopped loving her during those 5 years) overwhelm my common sense, which ended up hurting her even more.

 

Anyway, after reading through this thread, it seems like you have a codependency issue. You have essentially given up many of the activities that you enjoy while in your relationship with your bf...you have lost your sense of self. You're obviously not fulfilled and yet you're still with him.

 

I guess that I'm going to have to agree with pretty much everybody else here. You already know that leading him on is not the healthiest thing to do. For either of you.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Saul Goodman