My boyfriend abuses himself.

[GRRKitten]

-His Life History.-

 

My boyfriend has anger issues. He also has ADHD, and was taking medication for it, but he grew out of it for the most part. He's been through a lot in life. He was sexually abused as a child, by a step-brother and step-sister. His dad, beating on him when he was little for him just being a normal little kid, saying I'm hungry, and such. and his mom being very stuck-up and a control-freak, trying to force him to have the life that she didn't, basically trying to make him be just like her.

 

 

-How Our Relationship Is Now; The Good Parts, and Why I Want To Stay With Him.-

 

We're living together now, and have been for almost a year. He's 18, I'm 17. We're both very mature for our age. We love to plan out everything; what colleges we're going to, what kind of businesses will we have and how we will manage them and our money, how we're going to raise our kids, when we're going to try to have kids, and having enough to leave behind for them to succeed in life in case something happens to us before they're all in college, etc..

 

-The Current, and Ongoing Problem.-

 

We get into disagreements occasionally. Like any other normal relationship. It doesn't start out as a disagreement. It starts out as me asking him to do something. Or asking him why he hasn't done something yet. Such as, I'll ask him to to something, he forgets about it. I get kind of irritated because I've asked him to do it multiple times, and he'll say he forgot. I won't raise my voice or anything. But for some reason he thinks I'm yelling/b!tching at him for not doing it. So he starts yelling at me, sometimes he will scream, and it intimidates me, even though I know he would never hit me. Although, he has gotten in my face a few times and thrown things (never at me, usually at a wall or something). He has a short fuse, so he gets angry very easily. I know it's not due to being immature or anything like that. I know it's because he's used to his mom yelling at him constantly for nothing, so he's constantly in defense mode. Then he feels bad for yelling at me/getting in my face, and starts hitting himself, either in the face or the head. Sometimes he will hit his head against a wall and scream/cry/etc.

 





 

I've tried talking to him about everything. I've told him how much I care for him and how happy it would make me if he learned to control his anger. I've told him I've thought about leaving him a few times, due to being scared of his actions. Which made him feel like crap. I didn't mean to hurt him by saying that, I'm just a really honest person and would never just leave someone on a whim like that without talking to them about it/trying to solve the problem first, not to mention I'm very patient. I've been with him for two years, and this is an ongoing problem...

 

 







 

Does anyone have any words of advice to throw at me?... Other than breaking up. That's the easy way out, and everyone has flaws. So wherever you look, there will always be a problem, no matter who you're with. Some can be fixed. Others can't. I'm willing to try my absolute best to get him the help he needs. I just need to get him to cooperate. He's a very sensitive guy and I don't want to upset him by telling him he needs help with this kind of situation. I'm sure he knows it but he feels like crap when his problems are mentioned. Complicated situation, I know. Just any advice you can give me will help a lot. :c

-Solutions I've Tried.-

-Advice Anyone?-

[YaOldBuckaroo]

Hey GRRkitten,

 

I believe e hasn't learned to let go of the issues he had in the past yet, which is probably a contributing factor to why he loses control like that. He has ADHD, so I think seeing a doctor and checking if he still needs medication for it is wise.

 

Here's an article containing some tips on how to deal with people with ADHD:

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Seven-Natural-Ways-of-Dealing-With-ADHD&id=2654198

 

Hope this helps,

 

Max

[GRRKitten]

Hey GRRkitten,

 

I believe e hasn't learned to let go of the issues he had in the past yet, which is probably a contributing factor to why he loses control like that. He has ADHD, so I think seeing a doctor and checking if he still needs medication for it is wise.

 

Here's an article containing some tips on how to deal with people with ADHD:

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Seven-Natural-Ways-of-Dealing-With-ADHD&id=2654198

 

Hope this helps,

 

Max

 

 

I viewed the link, I'll try some of these and see if it helps. I plan to talk to him about possibly going to therapy or something and how it would help us greatly. He doesn't want to take medication, so we will try anything but that.

Thanks for taking the time to read/reply, Max.

[YaOldBuckaroo]

I see. Yeah sure no problem glad to help out. Hope things work out between you two..

[Downtown]

Kitten, welcome to the LS forum. The behaviors you describe -- self harm (e.g., banging head against a wall), uncontrollable anger, lack of impulse control, bullying and controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The full list of such traits is available (for DSM-IV) at http://www.palace.net/llama/psych/bpd.html#dsmiv. Whether those traits are sufficiently severe and persistent to satisfy the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD is a determination that only a professional can make.

 

I caution that everyone occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if they are emotionally healthy. Such traits become a problem only when they are so strong as to undermine the person's ability to sustain close LTRs. In a recent large scale study (pub. 2008), 70% of the interviewed BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in childhood. Because I am not a psychologist, I cannot tell you whether your BF suffers from that disorder. If you want to read about it, the two best selling books on BPD are Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Take care, Kitten.

[imyuinny]

Hi kitten,

 

I suggest that perhaps showing more compassion may help if medication is not something he wants to get into. He needs to not only learn to let go of his past but also grow as a person in terms of being more patient with himself, understanding his limits and it's ok to be not perfect and not be defined by his mistakes and his past.

 

Some might say that this is healing crisis, karma and so on so forth. He is going through a time where he needs support and healing from within more than anything, hence refusing medications. He is seeking for something that all of us want. Love. And it needs to come from within not just by words, intimacy, and etc. It's sincerity, honesty, compassion and more. By showing compassion it will reflect from you that you are already helping him and he will feel the support naturally. I hope this helps.