I "cheated" on my boyfriend and now he wants to confront the other guy...

[ellybelly]

*****(to skip back story scroll down to stars)*******(I know its long)****

 

I still don't know if what I did completely constitutes as cheating, since I had no bad intentions and feel somewhat taken advantage of, but that is how he is seeing it. So give me a chance to explain and I'll give you the run-down.

 

We have been together for 3 years, 2 of them being long distance across the country and we see each other every 1-2 months. I am 23, he is 30. I am a serious student and don't live a crazy lifestyle. (I rarely drink or go out to bars) I live by myself and spend most of my time at school, studying, hanging with my girlfriends or family. My boyfriend is the love of my life and we have talked a lot about marriage and starting a family. We have never even had any sort of jealousy/trust issues before the incident I am about to describe.

 

My cousin and I were invited to a Halloween party and I completely underestimated my alcohol tolerance and ended up getting really intoxicated. I recognize that this is not an excuse for what happened and I'm not trying to defend my choices concerning alcohol. It's just what happened.

 

I have always been really great at maintaining platonic relationships and have never had any issues with sexual tension and have always been very outspoken and proud of my commitment to my boyfriend. This night was no different. I had been hanging around on-and-off with this guy,(and lots of other guys, he was no different) we'll call him Joey, who was a neighbor to the host of the party. He was really cool and I had been talking to him about my boyfriend, and other stuff too, throughout the night.

 

Somehow this party goes on until about 4am... I remember bits and pieces of the story at this point, was filled in later on some, most of which I think are the most important details. As everything is winding down Joey tells me he has two couches that me and my cousin can sleep on if we didn't want to walk home. I obliged and we walked next door and I went and laid down on the couch thinking that would be the end of things. I remember that the couch was actually a futon and he transformed it after I laid down and got in with me. I didn't tell him to f&** off and I didn't ask for more. I kind of just went with it...just didn't care because I was drunk I guess. (again, not an excuse, just reiterating what was going through my mind) I remember we kissed a few times too. My clothes never came off.

 

The next day I woke up feeling miserable about what had happened. He offered to walk me home and I was too numb to care about telling him to f#*& off. I felt like I had lost everything.

 

*********************

 

I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happened. (Just sleeping in the same bed and a few kisses) He was really mad and said the only way to make it right is if he can go confront to Joey, which I'm sure will lead to a fight. He has a temper and I would be scared for them to interact.

 

So my question is: would this be a good idea or bad idea in terms of healing our relationship? I'm not in the business of revenge and I've already told Joey to never contact me again. I just feel like that would mess up all the progress we've made thus far.

 

Opinions? Need help.

 

Appreciated.

Edited November 8, 2011 by ellybelly

[Mallow]

I still don't know if what I did completely constitutes as cheating, since I had no bad intentions and feel somewhat taken advantage of, but that is how he is seeing it.

 

If your boyfriend were to get drunk, kiss and sleep in the same bed as another woman, would you be pleased? Would you feel cheated?

 

I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happened. (Just sleeping in the same bed and a few kisses) He was really mad and said the only way to make it right is if he can go confront to Joey, which I'm sure will lead to a fight.

 

Would it be 'just' a kiss and a bed sharing to you?

 

He has a temper and I would be scared for them to interact.

Are you afraid that there is more to the story to uncover?

 

 

So my question is: would this be a good idea or bad idea in terms of healing our relationship? I'm not in the business of revenge and I've already told Joey to never contact me again. I just feel like that would mess up all the progress we've made thus far.

 

You damaged the relationship when you cheated. It can take years to overcome cheating. Many couples cannot repair the relationship after infidelity occurs.

 

If your boyfriend needs to talk to the OM to get the story straight, you'd best let him. If you keep him from contacting, he will feel as if you have something to hide.

 

If you feel as if you have done no wrong and lack remorse, let him go.

 

You cannot just sweep problems under the rug and assume everything will be fine and dandy.

[Space Ritual]

*****(to skip back story scroll down to stars)*******(I know its long)****

 

I still don't know if what I did completely constitutes as cheating, since I had no bad intentions and feel somewhat taken advantage of, but that is how he is seeing it. So give me a chance to explain and I'll give you the run-down.

 

We have been together for 3 years, 2 of them being long distance across the country and we see each other every 1-2 months. I am 23, he is 30. I am a serious student and don't live a crazy lifestyle. (I rarely drink or go out to bars) I live by myself and spend most of my time at school, studying, hanging with my girlfriends or family. My boyfriend is the love of my life and we have talked a lot about marriage and starting a family. We have never even had any sort of jealousy/trust issues before the incident I am about to describe.

 

My cousin and I were invited to a Halloween party and I completely underestimated my alcohol tolerance and ended up getting really intoxicated. I recognize that this is not an excuse for what happened and I'm not trying to defend my choices concerning alcohol. It's just what happened.

 

I have always been really great at maintaining platonic relationships and have never had any issues with sexual tension and have always been very outspoken and proud of my commitment to my boyfriend. This night was no different. I had been hanging around on-and-off with this guy,(and lots of other guys, he was no different) we'll call him Joey, who was a neighbor to the host of the party. He was really cool and I had been talking to him about my boyfriend, and other stuff too, throughout the night.

 

Somehow this party goes on until about 4am... I remember bits and pieces of the story at this point, was filled in later on some, most of which I think are the most important details. As everything is winding down Joey tells me he has two couches that me and my cousin can sleep on if we didn't want to walk home. I obliged and we walked next door and I went and laid down on the couch thinking that would be the end of things. I remember that the couch was actually a futon and he transformed it after I laid down and got in with me. I didn't tell him to f&** off and I didn't ask for more. I kind of just went with it...just didn't care because I was drunk I guess. (again, not an excuse, just reiterating what was going through my mind) I remember we kissed a few times too. My clothes never came off.

 

The next day I woke up feeling miserable about what had happened. He offered to walk me home and I was too numb to care about telling him to f#*& off. I felt like I had lost everything.

 

*********************

 

I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happened. (Just sleeping in the same bed and a few kisses) He was really mad and said the only way to make it right is if he can go confront to Joey, which I'm sure will lead to a fight. He has a temper and I would be scared for them to interact.

 

So my question is: would this be a good idea or bad idea in terms of healing our relationship? I'm not in the business of revenge and I've already told Joey to never contact me again. I just feel like that would mess up all the progress we've made thus far.

 

Opinions? Need help.

 

Appreciated.

 

Wow for someone who keeps saying you are making no excuses...you have a lot of lame excuses.

 

Well I am just going to say that you made quite a mess, and your excuses and justifications are lame as hell.

 

You did it because you wanted to...you at least made the smart decision to inform your boyfriend. You don't deserve a medal, if you could control your own actions in the first place you would not be where you are. But in your Boyfriend's case, THIS is the risk you run when you cheat on someone...and yes you cheated. plain and simple.

 

You now seem to be amazed that this reaction came about. I feel very sorry for your boyfriend. He can only control how he reacts to you. Hopefully your boyfriend will be smart enough to realize that you are the one to blame. I mean you were talking to this guy about your boyfriend. He saw you as easy pickings...and you were. If it was not you it would have been some other drunken slob. But you sowed the wind, so now its time for you to reap the whirlwind...

[cherrylips]

I would like to throw in my two bits, and say its a bad idea. What your boyfriend is asking for is a trade off that leaves the burden of guilt on Joey instead of you. I'm not saying it was "right" of this guy to try to hook up with you if you were drunk (I'm assuming he knew you were in a relationship if you considered him to be a friend. GOOD friends don't put their friends in that type of situation). The gentlemanly (hah!) thing to do would have been to send you off to bed, and find somewhere else to sleep.

 

Not only that, do you want to turn a bad situation into a worse one by potentially encouraging physical assault on this guy?

 

It sounds like you want to wash your hands of this mess. Take responsibility!

[RiverRunning]

1. This is why you don't get so drunk at a party where there are people you don't particularly know, especially if the person going with you also plans to get drunk and won't be there to keep an eye on you.

2. "I was so drunk, I didn't know what I was doing" is an excuse, and a bad one at that. Sure, it lowers your inhibitions. At my drunkest - drinking an entire 750 ML of rum in the course of two to three hours, which translates to somewhere between 13 and 16 shots - I never forgot that I was paired up. I never cheated. I never kissed anybody else.

3. This is why you create a contingency plan in the case that you or the person you're with can't drive home. Sleeping at another guy's house while you're in a relationship is generally a rather inappropriate thing. Why didn't someone call you a cab? If you live that close, why didn't someone walk you home? Again, this is why you don't go out and plan to get drunk if the person you're going with is planning to wind up in just as sorry shape.

 

 

You keep compulsively starting topics about this issue. This is at least the third. Last time, your boyfriend wanted to beat this guy up, and now he just wants to 'talk'? Drop it. It doesn't involve the other guy anymore. Besides, was the other guy drunk? If he was drunk too - and you didn't fight him off when he made these advances, apparently - how was he taking advantage? Just because he's male, I guess?

 

You take accountability for your actions. If you plan to go somewhere and drink again, let your boyfriend know that you will call him if you need a ride home (or a friend, or a family member). Find a trustworthy friend and set your plan out ahead of time. If you plan to get drunk, the friend needs to either stay completely sober or limit it to a drink or two. The friend also needs to keep a watchful eye.

[loversquarrel]

That absolutely is cheating, on a physical and emotional level. I feel bad for your boyfriend. Wanting to beat the crap out of this other guy right now is a knee jerk reaction, hopefully he will soon realize that you are the one to blame.

 

I also want to point out how you claim you were taken advantage of - what a complete utter crock of ****. The only one taking advantage of anyone is you by taking advantage of "the love of your life's" trust. Personally I don't believe your story. He should kick you to the curb and find someone more deserving.

[jnj express]

Hey ellybelly-------------your BF's beef should be with YOU

 

Yes Joey is a scumbag, but it was you who, allowed all of this to happen.

 

I am sure you are not that naive, to know when you go to a strange guys home in the middle of the night, certain things may happen, or are EXPECTED to happen.

 

Just cuz you had your clothes on, how do you know he didn't have his hands all over you----and you knew what you were doing when his lips contacted yours, you wern't that drunk, that you couldn't have pulled away, and gotten out of there right then

 

Alcohol did not make you stay, in that situation, and if you could have walked home, then you should have.

 

Keep your BF, away from Joey---as I said he is scum, but YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS.---Also what are you doing talking to strangers at a party about your BF---that is not a topic to be shared to, with strangers.----At this point you really do not deserve your BF----

 

You need to tell him, that you are taking full responsibility, and you will do all the heavy lifting, to get your relationship back on track---he does not need to confront scumbag joey.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you deny him the chance to confront this guy it will look like you are trying to protect him and choosing Joey over your BF. Additionally it may seem to BF as though you are trying to minimize and conceal things.

[joystickd]

He needs to show you the door. There are too many women out here to have and to risk going to jail for confronting a guy. He need to handle this issue with you and not that guy.

[Andy_K]

If you deny him the chance to confront this guy it will look like you are trying to protect him and choosing Joey over your BF. Additionally it may seem to BF as though you are trying to minimize and conceal things.

 

^^He's right you know. If your boyfriend is set on confronting this guy, you need to step back and let that happen for him to have any chance of trusting you.

 

You may not like the idea of the confrontation, but you cheated and part of the penalty for that is accepting consequences that you don't like. This is one of them. I hope for your sake there isn't anything more that you're concealing!

[nofool4u]

*****(to skip back story scroll down to stars)*******(I know its long)****

 

I still don't know if what I did completely constitutes as cheating, since I had no bad intentions and feel somewhat taken advantage of,

 

You weren't taken advantage of. You recall the evening quite well and you knew what you were doing. You hung around a bunch of guys because you enjoy the attention and you let a guy crawl in bed with you and "went with it".

 

So don't even try to say this wasn't cheating. It was full blown cheating and you weren't taken advantage of. You were a willing participant.

 

 

The next day I woke up feeling miserable about what had happened.

He offered to walk me home and I was too numb to care about telling him to f#*& off.

 

Sorry, you don't get to willingly mess around with him and think you get to take the high road and tell him to fek off. Its not his fault you are a cheat. He is just a guy that didn't care you had a boyfriend and correctly picked up on the vibe that you would be willing to betray him.

 

 

I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happened. (Just sleeping in the same bed and a few kisses) He was really mad and said the only way to make it right is if he can go confront to Joey

 

Thats fair I suppose since Joey didn't care you had a boyfriend, but then again, neither did you. So if he is going to be angry at Joey, then he should be more angry with you. And he shouldn't want to do anything to Joey that he wouldn't do to you.

 

 

which I'm sure will lead to a fight.

 

Again, he shouldn't want to fight him. He should be more angry with you, and if he is a man of integrity, he wouldn't physically assault you, and since its you he should be more angry with, he shouldn't care to physically assault the other guy.

 

But it would be fair for him to confront a guy that doesn't care whose girlfriend he is hitting on.

 

 

He has a temper and I would be scared for them to interact.

 

Well, no matter what his reaction, why do you care other than that fact he might go to jail? Protecting this other guy are we?

 

 

So my question is: would this be a good idea or bad idea in terms of healing our relationship?

 

Depends on your boyfriend. It may give him closure or it may piss him off even more and decide you aren't worth the effort.

 

But if you want to move on, looking like you are protecting the other guy isn't the best way to go about it. If your bf thinks he needs to confront him to move on, then you let him and get out of the way.

 

 

I'm not in the business of revenge and I've already told Joey to never contact me again.

 

Why would you be in the business of revenge on a guy you willingly messed around with?