Should I disclose my A or not?

[airynmacy]

A question to people who have cheated on their significant other…

 

I’m a MW who recently (very recently) ended my A with a MM and am trying to figure out which way is up. I was just wondering if anyone has had an A that neither WS’s BS knew about… then when it was over told their BW/BH about it? Can any good come of that?

 

I’m wrestling with telling my H about my A. I wonder if it would make me feel a little better… I know that my M wouldn’t withstand such a revelation… cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking. But at least it would be out in the open and no longer a ‘dirty little secret’ right?

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

[Owl]

Yes, you should disclose to your H.

 

He deserves to know the truth. Deserves the choice to continue to remain married to you in light of this information or not.

 

Regardless of what he's SAID he'll do if you cheat...you'll never know what he really WILL do until he knows.

 

As far as MM's marriage and family...that's totally out of your scope of control. If you didn't want anything to happen to that...you shouldn't have been with him in the first place. These are all consequences of the choices that BOTH of you have made.

 

Step up, tell your H, determine if your M is going to survive or not, and deal with the aftermath of your choices like any adult should.

[Spark1111]

there isn't a BS on this forum that would say, "I don't want to know."

 

If they did, then the married for the wrong reasons; to have a contractual partnership where one keeps the house and one pays the bills.

 

If you truly want a shot at intimacy with another human being, there can be no secrets or parallel lives although you continue to reside under the same roof.

 

That is not marriage.

 

And nothing can be more destructive than the actual act of an affair; to think that you will spare someone pain in the telling of the affair is self-serving and cowardly, IMO.

 

If you didn't want to hurt your H, your M, and the OM's W and M, the two of you would have never engaged in the affair in the first place.

 

That, too, is what grown-ups do.

[confusedinkansas]

Only you can decide what's best for your specific situation.

 

Most on this site will say TELL. I'm not that advocate.

I don't think that anything good can come from telling.

Telling will not make you feel better BTW. You need to decide first if you're telling just to ease your own guilt OR is it to move forward with your marriage? Easing your guilt is a SELFISH thing. Mostly because you're heaping a ton of crap on your husband.

 

Everyone is different. Since we're not in your marriage YOU need to decide. Good luck to you.

 

PS~My husband found out about mine. He did not freak out, he did not hide under a rock, his life did not completely shut down, he did not threaten me with divorce or anything for that matter. (As most believe is the proper response when your spouse cheats) - or as many THINK their spouses will react. Only you know your husband.

[Bryanp]

It seems clear that you are more concerned about the OM and his marriage than showing respect for your husband by being honest. For Gosh sakes, your husband deserves this information, Otherwise you are making him a fool. Either you have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. By the way you also put your husband health at risk for STD's. Your husband has a right to know. Do the right thing and be honest with him.

[carhill]

Since you and H had a specific discussion about infidelity, the process and decision was on both of your minds. Something happened in the interim to cause you to depart from that process and decision. Was that external or within yourself? Can you identify it?

 

Opinion will vary and I'll give you mine: If you want to remain in your M and rebuild it, disclose. If you want out, get out and say nothing.

 

If your marriage survives, it will be a completely different dynamic. It already is, due to your infidelity. Is that a death sentence to the M? Unknown. As long as your partner remains undisclosed, that unknown will always be tugging at your elbow.

 

Good luck in your decision.

[norajane]

I’m wrestling with telling my H about my A. I wonder if it would make me feel a little better… I know that my M wouldn’t withstand such a revelation… cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking. But at least it would be out in the open and no longer a ‘dirty little secret’ right?

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

Make you feel better? Is it really all about you?

 

Tell your husband because you want him to be able to make informed choices about his marriage and his life. Tell him so that he isn't a fool in the dark in your marriage. Tell him so that you can apologize to him. Tell him so that you can work on your marriage. Tell him so that you can divorce. Tell him so that he can get checked for STD's. Tell him so that he can know who you really are.

 

But don't tell him to make yourself feel better! And stop worrying about the MM! This is your husband's life and marriage you've been screwing with - worry about your H!

[whichwayisup]

If you don't tell your H and he finds out another way, meaning if exMM tells his wife the truth or his wife finds out on her own, there's a high chance that your H will be contacted. Many BS's are informed by the other BS.. Never say never.

 

Telling isn't about "you", it's about allowing your husband to decide if he feels he wants to work through this and give you a chance to regain his trust and faith again. If he thinks you and the marriage are worth fighting for.

 

Do you two have kids?

[despicableME]

Newbie here. I was in the same situation, and decided to confess my transgressions to my wife. Sure I was afraid of the outcome, but I realized I owe her at least that-- I owed her the choice with FULL knowledge of my wrongdoing. I hope I don't deter you from confessing, but I am now on a path toward divorce... I deserve whatever may come.

 

cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking.

 

If it is a deal-breaker, then so be it! As you stated- "and I still did it." You(we) were being selfish... now we have to face the music. I'm not going to win any awards for outstanding moral behavior, but I did what needed to be done, and payed a steep price for it. It just seems that you continue to be selfish in that you had your fun, and still want to bask in its glory.

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

This is an interesting situation. The truth is that the marriage is already damaged. Just because she doesn't know doesn't mean she's not being hurt-- her marriage is a lie. It also seems that you're still a little fogged-up about this OM. If I was your husband I would take this as you further protecting this OM, by protecting his reputation. I would have had no problem with my wife "outing" this situation if we were to stay married. I still wrestle with this myself. I have to see this guy at upcoming holiday functions.

[reboot]

Of course you should tell him. What gives you the right to make him live a lie?

[Space Ritual]

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

This only shows that you are willing to protect your affair partner and yourself by not being honest.

 

You didnt care about ruining your own marriage...just be honest with your husband. You have exposed him to all sorts of things(along with STD's)

 

Keeping this secret in an attempt to save your own skin is nothing short of cowardice. You had the "bravery" to jeopardize your own marriage...and these are the consequences that come with spreading your legs for another man. Hopefully you will do the right thing and take responsibility for your contemptible actions...

[sadcalifornian]

Of course, there is a list of pros and cons in such confession. What it comes down to is what you want in marriage. If you feel fine living a life of hypocricy claiming deceits in marriage is wrong and claiming such standard on your H, then you may live in such way. But, if you cannot live with yourself with double standard, and if you truly want a healthy and honest relationship, then you must confess.

 

Yes, this is about you and what you can live with.

[drifter777]

Only you can decide what's best for your specific situation.

 

Most on this site will say TELL. I'm not that advocate.

I don't think that anything good can come from telling.

Telling will not make you feel better BTW. You need to decide first if you're telling just to ease your own guilt OR is it to move forward with your marriage? Easing your guilt is a SELFISH thing. Mostly because you're heaping a ton of crap on your husband.

 

Everyone is different. Since we're not in your marriage YOU need to decide. Good luck to you.

 

PS~My husband found out about mine. He did not freak out, he did not hide under a rock, his life did not completely shut down, he did not threaten me with divorce or anything for that matter. (As most believe is the proper response when your spouse cheats) - or as many THINK their spouses will react. Only you know your husband.

 

For once I (mostly) agree with CIK. In my opinion the only good reasons to tell your H are; 1) to pound the last nail in the coffin of you marriage or 2) a true desire to give your marriage a fresh start that includes complete transparency. You may have other reasons that matter to you but telling your H is likely to end your marriage. It could be that this is what you want anyway since you did it while believing your H would divorce you if he found out.

 

I never agree with CIK's trumpeting of her H's reaction to her A on this forum because it is not typical. She's happens to be married to a special man, but your mileage will vary.

[Bugz Bunny]

Please for once show some respect to your husband and tell him the truth...He deserves to know so that he can decide what to do next with his life...

[jnj express]

Why is there no intimacy---you say it is mainly on your H., this lack of intimacy---what about you---how hard have you tried to get the intimacy back, but even before that, what was the beginning like for you and your H.---Was there hot passion, and great infatuation, when the 2 of you began?????-----why after the birth did it all of a sudden go out the window---how hard did the 2 of you REALLY try to get the intimacy back????

 

You say in your other thread it is over with your lover, ---is it really over, or will you run back to him, the minute he come-hithers-you

 

Besides the lack of intimacy, what other cracks are in your mge---

 

If you, and your H., are truly basically roommates, why not tell him, it shouldn't hurt him, toooo terribly, and you can rid yourself of your festering guilt

 

Bottom line in all of this, where does your child fit into all of this, or do you really care little or nothing about your child----your lover being 18 yrs. older, more than likely has grown up kids, so, even tho they would hurt, upon finding out what their father did to their mother, they would, if old enuff---move on, thru their life---they may dislike their cheating father, but they would cope----your little one has a different future to face tho, doesn't he/she????

[Ruby_shoes]

A question to people who have cheated on their significant other…

 

I’m a MW who recently (very recently) ended my A with a MM and am trying to figure out which way is up. I was just wondering if anyone has had an A that neither WS’s BS knew about… then when it was over told their BW/BH about it? Can any good come of that?

 

I’m wrestling with telling my H about my A. I wonder if it would make me feel a little better… I know that my M wouldn’t withstand such a revelation… cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking. But at least it would be out in the open and no longer a ‘dirty little secret’ right?

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

Like DespicableME I told also, so we could start on a clean slate with no lies and I was prepared to accept wherever the chips may fall. I wanted to find out why it had happened (I honestly didn't know) and what was missing in my R and use this to learn. I was truly torn and confused and guilty and the whole thing made me sick. I didn't know EA's existed before my experience and of course that led to a very brief PA followed by more EA and it's been hell. My SO stayed with me and we are in MC and it's going well. There are lots of us here who have been through similar situations (look at OM/OW forum too). But tell your H if you want honesty, to work through the problems and to try to figure it out for both of you. It's what you can live with at the end of the day. If you can do all that alone, come to terms with it and put it to bed why upset your H but I couldn't not say.

 

If you tell your H will wrestle with his own demons, and TBH he needs to do whatever makes him feel better and if OM's M is wrecked in the process well, he too chose his hand to play. My H left OM well alone, said the worst punishment is for him to live with his lies living half a life and why upset his W to get even? xMM has had A's before (one nighters and flirtatious encounters) and most likely will again and yours will most likely be the same - unhappy in his M yet not unhappy enough to actually DO anything, they are scared people, not what we make them out to be whilst gripped and in the midst of an A. I KNOW it was my first and last. With absolute certainty. And you too feel bad enough to be looking into your options and on forums asking advice, he isn't. Don't give him your attention and worries, you wil, but try to bring them back to your H and what you want out of all this.

 

If you are truly remorseful and want to figure out what went wrong and fix it one way or another be honest. Yes it will be bad, but life's not always easy. Secrets rot M's. Go to counselling, prove your remorse and try really hard and if all else fails you have your answer, you may have a better M than ever by the end. It's happened before!

 

Good luck! And let us know

Edited November 9, 2011 by Ruby_shoes

[robf1971]

A question to people who have cheated on their significant other…

 

I’m a MW who recently (very recently) ended my A with a MM and am trying to figure out which way is up. I was just wondering if anyone has had an A that neither WS’s BS knew about… then when it was over told their BW/BH about it? Can any good come of that?

 

I’m wrestling with telling my H about my A. I wonder if it would make me feel a little better… I know that my M wouldn’t withstand such a revelation… cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking. But at least it would be out in the open and no longer a ‘dirty little secret’ right?

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M… I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

I guess it really is all ME ME ME,

 

Sociopathic personality?

 

Get some counselling, tell your husband, you might get kicked to the kerb but it will teach you a lesson.

[Severely Unamused]

Sociopathic personality?

 

A genuine sociopath probably wouldn't type something like this out...

 

I don’t want to see him lose his M or have it be damaged anymore than it already has by our starting up the A in the first place.

 

Anyway, I agree with carhill.

[nofool4u]

I’m wrestling with telling my H about my A. I wonder if it would make me feel a little better

 

so this is about how it will make YOU feel?

 

 

… I know that my M wouldn’t withstand such a revelation… cheating was always discussed by my H and I as a deal-breaker (and I still did it) and I wouldn’t blame him for walking. But at least it would be out in the open and no longer a ‘dirty little secret’ right?

 

I also worry that my H will tell the MM’s W about the A and ruin their M

 

their marriage will be ruined by what you and the MM are doing, not because of any revelation of the affair to the guy's wife. you don't get to put this on your H. put it where it belongs, with you and the MM.

 

 

Looks to me like your reasons for wanting to tell are purely selfish, rather than the real reason why you should tell and that is because your H deserves to know the truth.

 

and then there is your reason for NOT telling, because you want to protect the MM.

 

Question you should ask yourself: Does your H deserve to know what he is married to?

 

If the answer is yes, then there you go.

 

If it is no, well, then I guess you don't think he deserves respect.

[road]

No energy to say why.

 

Tell your BH and the OMW. ASAP. Each is living a lie.

[confusedinkansas]

No energy to say why.

 

Tell your BH and the OMW. ASAP. Each is living a lie.

 

I understand why many here preach to tell their BH or BW. I don't agree with it but I get it.

 

What completely baffles me is WHY should she tell this other man's wife? or better yet - WHY is it her responsibility?

What business is it of hers to be the 'informer?' To get involved in someone elses marriage? AND please don't say that by having the affair she's already involved in the marriage - It's just silly to think or say that.

 

The two people having the affair are a separate entity from the actual marriage. My opinion obviously.

[beenburned]

As a long ago BW, I was outraged that my choice was taken away from me by the lies my WS told me.(for 20 years)

 

I would have never chosen to stay married to a serial cheater, had I known the truth at that time.

 

It's bad enough that the WS is selfish enough to cheat in the first place. But then to lie and withhold the truth from the BW is just plain cruel.

 

What makes you think you have the right to play God with an innocent person's life?

[bentnotbroken]

I understand why many here preach to tell their BH or BW. I don't agree with it but I get it.

 

What completely baffles me is WHY should she tell this other man's wife? or better yet - WHY is it her responsibility?

What business is it of hers to be the 'informer?' To get involved in someone elses marriage? AND please don't say that by having the affair she's already involved in the marriage - It's just silly to think or say that.

 

The two people having the affair are a separate entity from the actual marriage. My opinion obviously.

 

 

Hello allow me to introduce myself. I am BNB and I think silly and say silly things. Just silly of me I guess.

[bentnotbroken]

As a long ago BW, I was outraged that my choice was taken away from me by the lies my WS told me.(for 20 years)

 

I would have never chosen to stay married to a serial cheater, had I known the truth at that time.

 

It's bad enough that the WS is selfish enough to cheat in the first place. But then to lie and withhold the truth from the BW is just plain cruel.

 

What makes you think you have the right to play God with an innocent person's life?

 

 

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[beenburned]

CIK,

You said" the 2 people in the affair are a seperate entity from the marriage". I completely disagree.

 

There is a good reason why they call it a triangle,it has a WS, an OW, and a BW. They are connected by both being involved with the MM. They are both having sex with the same MM. Therefore sharing each others juices.

 

It wouldn't even be adultery if the people having the affair were NOT married. And don't get me started on an STD being passed on to an innocent spouse.