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I cheated on my boyfriend, and he wants to confront the other guy

ellybelly

By ellybelly,
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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ellybelly

ellybelly

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I've told him everything and he wants to talk to this other guy/beat him up. He forgives me and is giving me another chance.

 

Has anyone had experience with this?

 

Do you think this would help in the healing process?

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RiverRunning

RiverRunning

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...Will it help if he beats the crap out of this other guy, winds up in jail for assault and possibly a lawsuit? Yeah, that'll help him get over the affair real quick.

 

I doubt he has completely forgiven you, if he's forgiven you at all. Why? Because 99 times out of 100, this trust violation is something that persists for several months, if not for years or decades. It takes a LOT of work to move past somebody's infidelity. And you consented to the cheating just as much as the other guy did - why does he deserve to get his face smashed in while you get an "It's ok, baby girl?"

 

You tell your boyfriend that this is your responsibility and you would like to take steps to start recovering from this. Maybe you're in high school and this is just a fleeting relationship. In any case, YOU need to figure out what motivated you to cheat (the guy was hot? Low self-esteem?). You need to work on THAT issue.

 

My best advice is to dump your boyfriend so he can move through the healing process - with somebody else. It's very hard to get past infidelity. But if you're not a teenager, some couples' counseling could do you both well. Channel your issues in that direction.

 

Not beating someone to a pulp.

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Metis

Metis

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EllyBelly: You are responsible for your own behavior. The fact that you've cheated does not obligate your boyfriend to beat the other guy up, nor should he do something so stupid, dangerous and potentially criminal on account of your misconduct. Instead, you concentrate on improving your own behavior and rebuilding trust, if such a thing is at all possible.

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Sark

Sark

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My wife cheated on me, and I promised her that I would not hunt the other guy down. It has eaten me up over this injustice that I feel like has gone unpunished, but it is something for me to deal with; and it's more of an ego thing being a guy. I really know though that if he and I met, I would slaughter him, and I would happily accept the consequences. You can't imagine the anger and rage that you have to learn to deal with after being dealt a blow from infidelity. A meeting is not good for anyone, and I wouldn't suggest it. If you are staying together, you both need to concentrate on the "you and him" part, not on the "him and other guy" part. You brought this on, so you need to bend over backwards to repair it.

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Space Ritual

Space Ritual

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This is the second time she has posted this question. Apparently ellybelly did not like the first responses(which were much like these...).

 

I think Ellybelly wants us to to tell her that this confrontation will be good and that she is under some misguided notion that the winner of the fight will get her as a prize...

 

I think it would be a prize most people would want to return as "damaged goods"

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findingnemo

findingnemo

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I've told him everything and he wants to talk to this other guy/beat him up. He forgives me and is giving me another chance.

 

Has anyone had experience with this?

 

Do you think this would help in the healing process?

 

Sure. Absolutely. Your bf beating up the other guy will help. Once it's over and by some miracle he avoids arrest and assault charges, he will then focus his anger on the proper target - you.

 

Are you asking whether you should encourage him to beat OM up or not? The answer is no. If you do, you could be held legally liable for an injury OM suffers. Legal issues aside, common sense demands that the two of you sort yourselves out. If the OM is his BFF, then perhaps they need to have a talk about this.

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VivienViolet

VivienViolet

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I've told him everything and he wants to talk to this other guy/beat him up. He forgives me and is giving me another chance.

 

Has anyone had experience with this?

 

Do you think this would help in the healing process?

 

I confessed my affair to my husband. I wanted to reconcile and make our marriage better than it had been. My husband wanted the other man's contact info. I gave it to him immediately without question because I had nothing to hide again. He contacted the other man's wife. Some men need that to heal. If you love him, give him everything he asks for. Anything less is protecting your affair partner. Good luck hon.

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RiverRunning

RiverRunning

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Some people can handle that information rationally. However, in this case, the guy is talking about attacking or otherwise acting aggressively, which isn't going to help anybody. I do think it is important to explain how you met the affair partner and a first and last name. Don't hand the guy the phone number/address/etc. But from then on, at least in the initial aftermath of infidelity, transparency is important - letting the affected partner see text messages/phone calls/e-mail, etc., to start restoring that trust. And therapy is also important.

 

The affair partner no longer has anything to do with this. The affair partner's job is to inform his side of the family if he so chooses. But what's relevant to her and her partner right now is that she takes accountability for her actions, doesn't contact this guy again, and shows that she's willing to make strides to repair this breach in trust. Confronting the affair partner is irrelevant. He needs only look to the girl he's dating to start moving forward.

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Eddie Edirol

Eddie Edirol

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You would be an extremely bad and horrible person for letting your boyfriend confront someone about an issue thats YOUR fault only. You let it happen, and since you were curious about the Joey, you need to tell your bf why you are losing attraction to him.

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rightkindofblues

rightkindofblues

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I can relate in a way but I'm not sure if what I say will help ... but I'll just drop my few cents here. When I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me, I was devastated and I wanted to meet the girl and rip out her hair ... I don't know, but I felt like I just wanted to hurt her. I told my boyfriend this, but I didn't do it. He tried his best to comfort me and tell me it's all in the past and he swore he would have nothing to deal with that girl in the future. Of course, it still hurts to think about and to this day I still want to tear her to shreds, but I'll ask myself, what use will it do? I know it won't change the past, and if I did really decided to take action, it would just cause more trouble.

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road

road

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As already pointed out some can or both can get sent to the hospital, criminal record, lawsuit.

 

Ask your boy friend can he handle spending the night in jail, potential being some con's bitch?

 

Ask if being sued for thousands in medical bills and pain and suffering to the OM, in other words OM nailed his GF, and now the OM is getting BF's money, is that going to make BF happy?

 

Last ask BF OM is only 50% responsibable, OM did not force you, so should you get beat up as well?

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SincereOnlineGuy

SincereOnlineGuy

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I've told him everything and he wants to talk to this other guy/beat him up.

 

 

 

Do you think this would help in the healing process?

 

 

 

More important for you to explore is just whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy you "told him everything".

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ErgoStep

ErgoStep

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It's an explosive situation. You're doing damage control.

 

You caused a mess.

 

That being said, you are not responsible for your boyfriends actions.

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  • 2 weeks later...
nofool4u

nofool4u

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Since it looks like you want to omit the details now to get more responses that you want to hear, I'll reply to this thread with the reply to your other thread.

 

*****(to skip back story scroll down to stars)*******(I know its long)****

 

I still don't know if what I did completely constitutes as cheating, since I had no bad intentions and feel somewhat taken advantage of,

 

You weren't taken advantage of. You recall the evening quite well and you knew what you were doing. You hung around a bunch of guys because you enjoy the attention and you let a guy crawl in bed with you and "went with it".

 

So don't even try to say this wasn't cheating. It was full blown cheating and you weren't taken advantage of. You were a willing participant.

 

 

The next day I woke up feeling miserable about what had happened.

He offered to walk me home and I was too numb to care about telling him to f#*& off.

 

Sorry, you don't get to willingly mess around with him and think you get to take the high road and tell him to fek off. Its not his fault you are a cheat. He is just a guy that didn't care you had a boyfriend and correctly picked up on the vibe that you would be willing to betray him.

 

 

I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what happened. (Just sleeping in the same bed and a few kisses) He was really mad and said the only way to make it right is if he can go confront to Joey

 

Thats fair I suppose since Joey didn't care you had a boyfriend, but then again, neither did you. So if he is going to be angry at Joey, then he should be more angry with you. And he shouldn't want to do anything to Joey that he wouldn't do to you.

 

 

which I'm sure will lead to a fight.

 

Again, he shouldn't want to fight him. He should be more angry with you, and if he is a man of integrity, he wouldn't physically assault you, and since its you he should be more angry with, he shouldn't care to physically assault the other guy.

 

But it would be fair for him to confront a guy that doesn't care whose girlfriend he is hitting on.

 

 

He has a temper and I would be scared for them to interact.

 

Well, no matter what his reaction, why do you care other than that fact he might go to jail? Protecting this other guy are we?

 

 

So my question is: would this be a good idea or bad idea in terms of healing our relationship?

 

Depends on your boyfriend. It may give him closure or it may piss him off even more and decide you aren't worth the effort.

 

But if you want to move on, looking like you are protecting the other guy isn't the best way to go about it. If your bf thinks he needs to confront him to move on, then you let him and get out of the way.

 

 

I'm not in the business of revenge and I've already told Joey to never contact me again.

 

Why would you be in the business of revenge on a guy you willingly messed around with?

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