rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I feel that I am ready for a life long commitment. Most men from what I hear are not. I am somewhat perturbed by this. At this time I don't see the point in committing and getting into a sexual relationship with a man who doesnt know if they want a lifetime relationship. I see women who are "dating" or living with men for years and they say they are happy but are they really? Doesn't every woman want to know their man wants them forever? Does every man want to be free forever? I want to share my life with someone how do I know I am with a man who wants the same or with a boy who wants to play the rest of his life? Link to post Share on other sites
MikeT4 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I got married when I was 31 and was ready for a long term committment. For me, it was the best move I ever made. I love my wife and would do it again. We've been married 17 years, so, I'm 48 now. Some guys are concerned though. A lot of marriages end up in heartbreak, financial mess and acrimony. I think many are concerned about that. You just need to find a guy who can get past those concerns. I personally think your best bet is a guy who is close to your age but never married. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Thanks Mike you are giving me some hope!! ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 To me forever is not always a soul mate but it is work and commitment. I'm willing to do it. Men seem to think a sexual relationship and being boyfriend and girlfriend is enough or that is all they are willing to give. While the woman gives her time and commitment without knowing this man has chosen her as his wife. Anyway I am digressing, but I see so many woman with men in long relationships and alot want marriage but the man wont do it. I think that is selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
MikeT4 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I think the woman should wait some amount of time for him to get up the courage. If he doesn't, then she needs to ask him what his intentions are. If he won't answer, then, she needs to tell him she wants someone who will answer. If still nothing, then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 I like that advice ask him what his intentions are. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 No problems here. Marriage didn't scare me; divorce doesn't scare me anymore. Good luck in your search. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 UGH! I sure do need it!! THank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 To me forever is not always a soul mate but it is work and commitment. I'm willing to do it. Men seem to think a sexual relationship and being boyfriend and girlfriend is enough or that is all they are willing to give. While the woman gives her time and commitment without knowing this man has chosen her as his wife. Anyway I am digressing, but I see so many woman with men in long relationships and alot want marriage but the man wont do it. I think that is selfish. Take a look at the thread below from a 40+ year old celebrating her singledom and you'll see there is a fair bit of talk recently. There was also a thread whether you should date divorced or never married men. It's a minefield out there. Men over 40 come in all shapes and sizes (metaphorically speaking). If 40+ and never married, they are probably very set in their ways, playboys, mama's boys and like things the way they are and will want a woman to complete them, not infringe on their current lives. The divorced male may be bitter, have an ex and kids to juggle and either want to try the dating scene again or are looking for sex and companionship, which may result in you having to kiss a lot of frogs. Heck you may decide it isn't worth the trouble. Frankly I think many men are honest, but to them compatibility particularly in bed after 40 is a big deal and you should be prepared for that and let them too know where you stand and what you want and what is most important to you in a prospective partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 I don't know why but from what I see in porn sex is sex. How hard can compatibility be? Every man I meet thinks he is a king in bed and does it so different. Sex has always been relatively good for me and all men have a penis, want it .... and want to put it somewhere. I don't know I'm so confused. I do understand it's a minefield because we all have had different experiences and have different perspectives. Guess I need to find someone with a similar perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I don't know why but from what I see in porn sex is sex. How hard can compatibility be? Every man I meet thinks he is a king in bed and does it so different. Sex has always been relatively good for me and all men have a penis, want it .... and want to put it somewhere. I don't know I'm so confused. I do understand it's a minefield because we all have had different experiences and have different perspectives. Guess I need to find someone with a similar perspective. I was saying you have to be open sexually and not consider it this wonderful gift that you are presenting him. That does not imply to be a cheap tramp and give it up on the first date after a nice dinner. Just understand it plays an important part to any "normal" male over 40 in the dating world.;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Yes I kind of understand now. I try not to see it as a gift but I just don't feel the urge to have sex with any man these days. Sex is so easy to come by, I want more! Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 I don't have a definitive answer for you. But I found a BF at the age of 41 simply by hanging out with people of similar beliefs and values. It didn't happen overnight. It took years actually. But the wait was worth it. There are relationship minded men, but they aren't the ones who jump in your face and flirt right away. They might have a friendly conversation instead. I'd also suggest having an open mind with men who don't fit your "criteria". My BF was outside my preferred age range (he's younger), but I gave him a shot. He is amazing and I can't believe I almost dismissed him on prejudgment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 Congrats Cee! Younger sounds nice Either is fine but similar values is what I am looking for. I will wait for the right one! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Let's meet up and see if we can work something out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccajones Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 I like this idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) I don't have a definitive answer for you. But I found a BF at the age of 41 simply by hanging out with people of similar beliefs and values. It didn't happen overnight. It took years actually. But the wait was worth it. There are relationship minded men, but they aren't the ones who jump in your face and flirt right away. They might have a friendly conversation instead. I'd also suggest having an open mind with men who don't fit your "criteria". My BF was outside my preferred age range (he's younger), but I gave him a shot. He is amazing and I can't believe I almost dismissed him on prejudgment. Met my future wife "later" as well, when I was 30. A blind date, it didn't seem to go so well and during the date thought it wasn't gonna work. A shy girl (didn't know that about her at the time), she didn't seem to express a lot of interest in me and it didn't seem like she was enjoying our date. However, thinking about it the next week, decided to call her and try for another date. What could I lose? Glad I called and didn't rely on my "gut" instincts. First impressions aren't always valid. Edited November 11, 2011 by Floridaman Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 (edited) You ARE talking about the same woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, right? Do you relate the lack of initial interest to what has happened subsequently? It seems there is a connection there. That lack of romantic interest was only on our first date. Things went much better there on. Posted that to advise people not to rely too heavily on first-date impressions. On sex, we started ML about 4 mos. into our relationship, weekends and vacations (we were in an LDR). In her mid-30s, it didn't seem like she had any "lack of interest" in me then.... and we couldn't get enough of each other... Edited November 11, 2011 by Floridaman Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 (edited) I feel that I am ready for a life long commitment. Most men from what I hear are not. I am somewhat perturbed by this. At this time I don't see the point in committing and getting into a sexual relationship with a man who doesnt know if they want a lifetime relationship. I see women who are "dating" or living with men for years and they say they are happy but are they really? Doesn't every woman want to know their man wants them forever? Does every man want to be free forever? I want to share my life with someone how do I know I am with a man who wants the same or with a boy who wants to play the rest of his life? I don't think it has much to do with the man and everything to do with our intention. In my experience, when I'm too attached to something, life won't deliver. Life won't reward me for believing something outside of me will make me happy --- not in a healthy way, which is the only way that satisfies in the end. It's a fine line, really. We have to have the desire but not be * too * attached. We have to be clear about what we want but not thrust our agenda on innocent bystanders like an invisible lasso After all, people want to be loved for who they are, not for fulfilling our hopeful image of what they can provide us -- however well intentioned. Wanting something too badly invites polarization into life. It's one way women eager to get married end up with unavailable men .... The middle way is the best approach but often the hardest because * not * caring so much feels counter-intuitive. Other thoughts -- I disagree that men who don't want to be married are boys. Some just don't have the call for marriage on their lives and are clear about that. They have different goals. (One woman I admire has chosen to be single all her life. When I asked her why, she smiled and said, "I ask myself: 'Can I live with that man for the rest of my life?' ... And the answer is always: 'Nah.') lol Deeply intimate relationships can be had outside of the form of marriage. Look at Goldie Hawn! Look at Susan Sarandon! (Yeah, Susan's relationship ended at 23 years, but that's still a success compared to some marriages.) The nice thing about marriage is that, when it gets loud and messy (and it will!), you've both committed that no one is leaving the room. You are promising to work it out together. That's true intimacy, and that's what I think you are seeking.... Unfortunately, some people get the form of marriage without the actual content. Just read the threads here. It's always risky when you are placing your happiness on another person's intentions, so it's better to go about your life, relax, have some (safe) sex and let come what may. Edited November 12, 2011 by Breezy Trousers Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Marvellous Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 What's sure about marriage is that you can never be sure. This year, you may be extra-sweet. Next year, you may be at the end of your wits. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. You have to make it work. You work to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
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