cheer_spirit Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Hi everybody! My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 6 months. When we fight he would never ever admit that he's wrong. When we argue about something he screwed up, he turns it around and makes it my fault. I don't know how to deal with it. Also, he keeps forbidding me things like hobbies and friends. And when I try to do the same thing he just goes and does it anyway. If I try to talk to him about it we get into a huge argument and it's not pretty. I don't know how I can handle always being the one who does everything wrong even though I know that I don't! I make mistakes, of course. But I want him to see the ones he does and admit it. He's really self confident and he knows it. Sometimes I'd even use the word "arrogant" to describe him. I, on the other side, am totally selfconsious and sensitive. I know that this might be the reason why he always has control over me, but I don't want it to stay like this! I want to show him that I can be superior and self confident in an argument and I can tell HIM what to do. Or atleast that he understands my point of view once in a while... Help me... Please... Thanks a lot... Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Not sure what to suggest, but his behaviour is not acceptable. He sounds controlling and maybe taking advantage of your nature. Have you tried to talk to him about this (when your not arguing and things are good)?? Link to post Share on other sites
light_vader Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 This will sound harsh, but tell me, what is the interesting part of this relationship you have, because by the sounds of it, it's pretty much doomed to extinction unless you like to play the passive girl that does everything he says and convinces herself "Oh but he is such a good man", you know, the kind of mentality of women in the 50s or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby289 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Sadly I used to be that guy. It took me years to see how unhappy I really was inside. Sometimes it takes a breakup to realize it or like myself my own self destruction to want to change. You can't make someone like that understand you when they can not even understand themselves no matter how they project themselves. Ask yourself if it is worth having "the guy". Happy with yourself vs. being treated like trash and emotionally hurting yourself. Life is about choices and learning from mistakes, so in the end it is up to you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) If you don't' want to dump him, then maybe try telling him you'll leave if he continues to not hear you. Communication is key in any relationship, and if he doesn't want to work with you on it then he probably doesn't care and is not worth your time. I was in a relationship where my voice was not being heard, and it's stressful, but your partner might not realize how suffocated you currently are. At least try to express to him how it really feels to not have your voice be heard. It may help to write it out before hand, then sit him down and ask him to not interrupt and let you read it to him. It will be hard, but you can do it. Edited November 8, 2011 by jyoun Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Cheerspirit. You have the problem. Not your boyfriend. You need to face reality and move on. If you are an adult, nobody can make you do anything. . No amount of outside advice is going to improve your relationship. You know the relationship is doomed...you are just too weak to do what you have to. Get out. I agree. Get out. You can't change him - you can only change your own actions. I, on the other side, am totally selfconsious and sensitive. Staying with him will only damage you further, and make it more likely that you will have bad relationships in the future because of that damage. You will continue to pick people who make you feel bad about yourself. Get out now. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachgirl8 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 "forbidding you things like hobbies and friends" is a HUGE red flag. Trying to do the same back to him to prove a point or show him how wrong it is will never work. This is a classic controlling behavior intended to isolate you. You need to establish clear boundaries with this guy, and if he doesnt respect them, the only logical choice is to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Rorschach64 Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Normally I would say communication and all that happy sunshine stuff but he won't understand nor will he want to understand. He is one of those types that needs to lose everything/hit rock bottom before they look at themselves and change, you can never make them realize anything. You need to live this guy because at this point YOU will be at fault for ALLOWING him to continue to treat you like you are a prisoner. God knows I feel like this guy might be one 'roid injection away from turning emotionally abusive to physically too! Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 8, 2011 Share Posted November 8, 2011 Very confident to almost arrogant probably means he's a good looking guy, which will outweigh all his faults. Get used to be repressed or get over his one redeeming quality and get out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
happypanda21 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 How can I make him understand me?As soon as I saw this, I understood the problem you were having. It is a very serious but often overlooked problem. In my years of living on this world and going through a breakup with the person I loved, there is something I have learned the hard way. You cannot change a person. Period. No matter how much you want to. Trust me, I have learned the hard way more than once. They will change only if they want to. You cannot make them want to change either. If you want to stay with him, stay with him for the person he is, not the person you want him to be. If you sacrifice your own happiness for his, you will age so much faster than others in a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cheer_spirit Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Not sure what to suggest, but his behaviour is not acceptable. He sounds controlling and maybe taking advantage of your nature. Have you tried to talk to him about this (when your not arguing and things are good)?? When I try talking to him about this it always ends in a fight. Thank you all for your replies... I just can't leave him. I love him so much. And when we're not arguing, things are perfect! I'd say I might be a little addicted to him. Which isn't good, I know. But I can't help it... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) When I try talking to him about this it always ends in a fight. Thank you all for your replies... I just can't leave him. I love him so much. And when we're not arguing, things are perfect! I'd say I might be a little addicted to him. Which isn't good, I know. But I can't help it... Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. And loving someone is not always healthy or desirable, like when you are with a controlling man who isolates you from friends and family. That is actually one of the signs of a potential abuser - emotional or physical. He's already being emotionally abusive - that's what turning things around to blame you for them, and yelling at you, and controlling your activities and friends is: emotional abuse. So you can remain in your "addiction" and say "but I luuuuuuuuv him". But you are posting here because you are unhappy with the way he treats you, he won't listen and gets angry when you talk with him about it, and he won't change. You won't leave him. You can't change him. So what can you do? Change yourself. Ignore him when he forbids you from spending time with whoever you want or doing whatever you want - see and do whatever you want. When he starts turning things around to blame you, walk away and refuse to listen to him - you know he's wrong. You DO NOT HAVE to listen and do what he tells you! And if he becomes more abusive, or too f*cking irritating to deal with, make sure that you still have friends and family to turn to so that you can get their help to leave him. Are you dependent on him? Do you live with him? Do you have any close friends left? Edited November 9, 2011 by norajane Link to post Share on other sites
yme30 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 It sucks because my boyfriend does the same thing!!! It's always my fault!! No matter what it is! I wanted him to understand how he made me feel but didn't know how! then I decided to do what he does to me, but It didn't work. I have done everything I could to make him understand but he won't. 6 years later, countless fights? He will never get it!!! But if you love him? Then just deal with it he won't change, but if you don't love him then run!!! Run away as fast as you can!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cheer_spirit Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Are you dependent on him? Do you live with him? Do you have any close friends left? Yes, I live with him... I had lots of friends. Some of them completely turned away from me because of him and some of them would still be there for me but they're pissed off at me for being with him and that they don't see me anymore. I have an arrangement with him though that I can go to training once a week (it was 5-6 times before) so I can see my friends. I've tried ignoring it when he tells me what to do. But then there's this voice inside me which tells me to just "behave" because I'm scared that he'll leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
Popehappycat Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 So your real life friends have already told you what we have and you didn't like their answers so you turned to strangers on the internet. Ok, so since he won't change and you let him walk all over you, my new advice is to stay with him and get yourself some cookbooks and lose your individuality. Have dinner ready when he comes home and do all those sexual things he likes that you don't. Admit to him daily that he's infallible and obviously any shortcomings in the relationship is your fault. Be sure to come back here when he becomes abusive or cheats so we can give you some more advice you can ignore. It'll all work out, though, because you love him and he obviously loves you. That's the advice you wanted, right? Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower11 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 ^I think you are right... However, I KNOW how hard it is to really see and understand how badly someone is treating you when you are "blinded by love". It's not easy. Everyone here is telling you the same thing but YOU have to accept that it's not a good relationship and YOU have to make the decision to walk away from it. Stop being a doormat. Seriously picture your life in a year or two, do you think you will be happy with him? Are you finally going to understand when you have no friends left because everyone is telling you to open your eyes and see how much of a jerk he is? Do you need a man by your side to feel happy? (This last one took me a bit to understand myself but now I am doing muuuuch better and I don't need my ex ) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Yes, I live with him... I had lots of friends. Some of them completely turned away from me because of him and some of them would still be there for me but they're pissed off at me for being with him and that they don't see me anymore. I have an arrangement with him though that I can go to training once a week (it was 5-6 times before) so I can see my friends. I've tried ignoring it when he tells me what to do. But then there's this voice inside me which tells me to just "behave" because I'm scared that he'll leave me. How can we make you understand? You would be a million times better off alone than with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
mikezombie777 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 cheer_spirit Please don't think I'm being rude but this needs to be said you straight out - Stop being an idiot. He is emotionally abusive and it is destroying you. He will end up leaving you anyway, you might as well keep your dignity and make it happen first regardless of how hard it is. I was in exactly the same type of relationship until a few months ago. My ex-fiance was controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive and a complete drama queen. She expected me to do everything for her and the slightest mistake was turned into a huge fight where she would blame me for everything and tell me I needed to change. Nothing was ever good enough and any attempt to bring up her own bad behaviour was quickly turned around to be my fault. She ended up leaving me, telling me she had fallen out of love. Why? Because I was a push over and didn't stand up for myself, but now I can see I am better off without that psycho. At the time I justified it by telling myself she had a good heart, she will realise the error of her ways and everything will be fine. It never happened. I loved her but I was completely BLIND! Leave him and turn to your friends and family to cope. You are better off without him. If you won't leave him then stop complaining and live out the rest of your life under his control. Link to post Share on other sites
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