The waiting

[sillychick]

Hi everyone. I'll give a brief rundown of my story for those that haven't read my other thread.

 

Met a guy last spring on Match. He was newly separated at that time. Moved out, signed a one year lease and furnished this place for himself (about a month before we met). We were just friends in the beginning but it progressed into more in the summer.

 

I'm relatively newly single with a very busy life, busy job, raising my kids, etc. I didn't really have time for a full on relationship so I wasn't really too worried about dating this guy even though I knew it was risky because he wasn't divorced. Hadn't even filed at that time. Well in the meantime I fell in love with him. Haven't told him this because I know he is scared. I think he feels the same way but we haven't talked about it. We were exclusively with each other, he called it a relationship although we treaded very lightly. Haven't met each other's kids (and won't for a while) or families, etc.

 

 

He filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago. I know in my last thread some people wondered whether he really did this or not, I have checked the court records and it's there.

 

Well since then he's been very quiet. I'm giving him his space because I know life is very tough on him. This is not somethat that he really wanted, I don't think. His wife had an affair a handful of years ago and their marriage never recovered from that. It was a very long affair, years apparently, before she told him. He never saw himself divorced, he wants his family together, so this is really hard for him.

 

He's a very emotional guy and when I do hear from him the e-mails are hard to read. Just because it brings it all back to me, my divorce. I remember what it was like and I think I have a grasp on how he's feeling right now. I remember how tough it was and how sometimes I just wanted to roll into a ball and lay in bed.

 

Anyway we haven't promised each other anything. We haven't talked about the future. He hasn't promised me we'll be together once he's divorced (which I know could be a year or more), I haven't promised him that I will wait for him. We just keep in touch as friends. Haven't seen him in about a month I think I lost count.

 

I know logically I should move on and let him do his thing but it's been hard for me to do. My heart is with him. I tried dating someone else and it just didn't feel fair to that guy because he was crazy about me and I wasn't fully in because I couldn't stop thinking about MM.

 

So right or wrong, I have decided I need to see it through. I am keeping myself busy. My job is very demanding, 2 kids in school, lots of friends, training for 1/2 marathon and just started working with a trainer. I have a full life.

 

I know when things calm down for him and when the divorce is final that he might want to be completely single. I could just be his transitional relationship. He could be a completely changed man and I might not even like who he's become. He is taking this so hard right now that is another fear. I could meet someone else who knocks my socks off. So could he. Lots of unknowns.

 

We've gone from being in touch daily to maybe once or twice a week e-mails with him telling me how rough this all is. They have decided to work with a mediator so I think that might help some instead of plan A which was to each hire attorneys to fight it out.

 

Anyone out there with any experience in this? The waiting? What should I expect?

 

I have made a choice to see it through, see how it plays out, let it run it's course, whatever. Even if I get hurt in the end I have made that choice to risk it. But it's a day to day thing. Some days it's easy to give him his space and do my own thing and other days I feel like I lost a friend since he's not in touch.

 

Just wanted to vent and see if anyone had similar experiences.

[whichwayisup]

I think focussing on your own life now has to be number one. He has absolutely nothing to give, even as a friend. This man needs to heal and be on his own to sort through stuff and as you said, there are no plans of the future, it's wait and see how things go and later if the timing is right, then date eachother.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't 'hold out' for him in the sense of seeing this through. You could be waiting a very long time.

[sillychick]

Thank you guys for responding.

 

I know I'm doing what I can do to distance myself and keep myself busy. I'm open to dating other guys if one comes along in my life but at the same time not looking for it by online dating, etc.

 

Ladygrey I know it's a possibility that he's not as into me as I am into him. My gut is telling me that he is though. Some of the things that he has said to me in the past and the way I know his personality and how he handles things just makes me think this is a tough time for him and he's just trying to handle things in his own way. So I'm sensing the distance is him trying to keep me out of it and protect me from it so to speak. Because it is getting VERY ugly.

 

Only time will tell for sure. I know it's risky because I don't really know what he's thinking.

 

In time if I feel like things have calmed down for him but he's still not in the same amount of contact as he was before he filed for divorce then I will consider it a sign and move on. I have kinda mentally put a time table on it so I will re-evaluate.

 

All I really want is for us to continue where we left off and to be able to date and see where it goes. I'm not planning a future with him, I just want to be able to be with him and see where it takes us. That's all.

 

I just hope that if it doesn't work out I won't feel like an idiot for spending this time 'waiting' it out. I have no timetables for being married again or anything. I figure it will be a good 4 years before I would even feel comfortable moving in with someone so I'm not sitting here thinking that if it doesn't work out I have just wasted valuable time. I just don't like it. I want things back the way they were. Ug!

 

Thanks for listening!

[Silly_Girl]

I think focussing on your own life now has to be number one. He has absolutely nothing to give, even as a friend. .

 

Wow, I find that to be pretty harsh. If the OP has some caring feelings, if she's not changing her life or foregoing opportunities I see nothing wrong in being his friend. That's the thing about friendships; sometimes it's give and sometimes it's take. Long as its not only ever one of the two...

[sp2007]

He's filed, but they are still working on the settlement. It's hard to know how long it will take before they go to court and receive a final decree. The reality is that you could be waiting for a long time and even after their divorce is final, there will still be loads of stuff to work through before the two of you can have a real relationship.

 

That being said, I do think it's good that he has distanced himself during all this. It means he is focusing on what he needs to do. It also means that he is keeping you out of it, and by so doing, is keeping you from having to ride his divorce roller coaster with him.

 

The only thing that bothers me in your post is that you have essentially convinced yourself that you will "wait." Patience is one thing. Empathy is another. But Waiting? That's a really crappy way to live. Not to sound all 12 step on you, but you need to step back and just trust in a higher power to make this right in the end. That way lies sanity, the alternative is madness.

[sillychick]

The only thing that bothers me in your post is that you have essentially convinced yourself that you will "wait." Patience is one thing. Empathy is another. But Waiting? That's a really crappy way to live. Not to sound all 12 step on you, but you need to step back and just trust in a higher power to make this right in the end. That way lies sanity, the alternative is madness.

 

Thanks for that reminder! Some days are easy and other days are tough. I know what I need to do is just keep on with my life and know that if we were meant to be in any way, then we will. Life has a way of working things out.

 

Throughout this whole time (it's been about 8 months now since we met) we have decided to just be friends a few times and each time we have come back to each other. He tells me he's drawn to me and that he can't imagine his life without me in it. I feel the same way about him. I tried to move on and it was tough because I was always thinking about him.

 

He has a long road ahead of him I know that and I know it won't be easy. I have chosen to see how it plays out.

 

It's crazy and risky. But I can, at any time, choose something else.

 

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a plan for me. Sometimes it's hard just to let it all go and know that it will be there later if it was meant to be.

 

Fear of losing something is no way to live. So thanks for the reminder I will try to relax and live in the moment and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen.

 

Silly Girl-Thanks and I agree. He's in the thick of it right now and that's probably making him step back, but he is always thanking me for my friendship. And he helped me get through a tough family time this summer too. It's give and take.

 

He will often say things like he's grateful to have met me. That he's thankful for me.

 

Aside from the fact that you could say he was careless with my heart to bring me into this mess to begin with (I went willingly), he has been a great friend and a gentleman through and through. I suspect his pulling back right now is a way to protect me from what he's going through.

 

Time will tell

[Lemon Drop]

sillychick,

 

I'm still in love with my xMM although we have been NC for over a year. Because no one compares to him, it is fruitless for me to seek out others. There have been men who want to be with me but I'm not digging it, because I'm not over xMM.

 

Your MM is not over his W. You are hedging your bets that when he is ready, he will be grateful for your friendship and you can go from there. This is great for him, he has you sitting on the shelf, waiting. Meanwhile, you are not freeing yourself up for the Universe (thank you, Sunset Red) to bring you someone who is available.

 

I know, you are saying, that's OK, I like him so I'll wait. Have you ever read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? Because if he were really into you, he would come up with a program that would assure you two were moving forward as he goes through this process. If you value your heart and mind, please have limited contact with him and proceed with your life. If it happens, that is great, but he won't respect you for waiting for him. It's just human nature. He has as much told you he needs to be invisible for a while, so let it be.

[sillychick]

sillychick,

 

I'm still in love with my xMM although we have been NC for over a year. Because no one compares to him, it is fruitless for me to seek out others. There have been men who want to be with me but I'm not digging it, because I'm not over xMM.

 

Your MM is not over his W. You are hedging your bets that when he is ready, he will be grateful for your friendship and you can go from there. This is great for him, he has you sitting on the shelf, waiting. Meanwhile, you are not freeing yourself up for the Universe (thank you, Sunset Red) to bring you someone who is available.

 

I know, you are saying, that's OK, I like him so I'll wait. Have you ever read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? Because if he were really into you, he would come up with a program that would assure you two were moving forward as he goes through this process. If you value your heart and mind, please have limited contact with him and proceed with your life. If it happens, that is great, but he won't respect you for waiting for him. It's just human nature. He has as much told you he needs to be invisible for a while, so let it be.

 

Thank you I really needed that today I think. For the record from everything we talked about this summer, I do think he's really into me. But I know what I need to do is back completely off and just let him take care of business and know that if it was meant to be it will be. There's no amount of worrying about it that will make it go a certain way. So I have decided to just do my own thing, date others if the opportunity comes up, and know that when he's actually emotionally and mentally available for a relationship if it was meant for us to be together we will be.

 

It's easier said than done but it's what I need to do to make sure that I'm not hurt in the end, and that I don't spend what could be 6 months - a year fretting about what will happen down the line. It's too exhausting for me mentally. I have let it go this weekend and will let the universe take over.

 

There is a huge part of me that feels we have a very strong connection and we will come back together when time allows. But I'm keeping it on the backburner and moving on with my life.

 

Thanks again!

[Lemon Drop]

You are welcome.

 

You sound capable and smart and like a really good catch. I hope you will consider going back online and continue dating. I'm sure there is a single guy who would make a really good partner who is waiting for you to come into his life. Eharmony doesn't even allow people to sign up unless they are divorced because of how traumatic the process is.

 

I once dated a seperated man.... I knew him and he asked me to go out with him... we liked each other a lot and started spending more time together.. but he was dealing with the undoing of his whole life and it was not healthy for me to be dating him around that. He found someone else, got married rather quickly and divorced her within a year. It's better for your guy to sort himself out and really, you don't want a man who can't be by himself so this is a good sign about him. If/when he comes back, it will be a much better foundation for your relationship.

[sillychick]

You are welcome.

 

You sound capable and smart and like a really good catch. I hope you will consider going back online and continue dating. I'm sure there is a single guy who would make a really good partner who is waiting for you to come into his life. Eharmony doesn't even allow people to sign up unless they are divorced because of how traumatic the process is.

 

 

I think I've decided to wait until the new year to put myself back online if I do. I have some personal goals set up for myself that I should reach by then, plus also I need this guy out of my system (if possible by then) before I put myself out there.

 

When we decided a couple of months ago to just be friends I threw myself back up on Match to try to move on and figured it would be good for me to get myself back out there. But what happened is I met a guy who was crazy about me and it wasn't really fair what I did to him. Just like my separated guy, I was in no position to be bringing someone else into my life when I wasn't ready for it.

 

I need some distance I think from this situation and to really clear my head. So first of the year is my goal. With the holidays and such it will go by quick.

 

[spice4life]

I think I've decided to wait until the new year to put myself back online if I do. I have some personal goals set up for myself that I should reach by then, plus also I need this guy out of my system (if possible by then) before I put myself out there.

 

When we decided a couple of months ago to just be friends I threw myself back up on Match to try to move on and figured it would be good for me to get myself back out there. But what happened is I met a guy who was crazy about me and it wasn't really fair what I did to him. Just like my separated guy, I was in no position to be bringing someone else into my life when I wasn't ready for it.

 

I need some distance I think from this situation and to really clear my head. So first of the year is my goal. With the holidays and such it will go by quick.

 

 

As long as you feel confident and secure in your decision then there is nothing wrong with it at all. Stay true to you and don't toss your expiration date aside if you have a weak moment though. Keep it firm and live your life in the meantime. If he wants to ride along as a passenger on your train in life he will. If he doesn't, there will always be someone who will around the next bend.

 

Best wishes!

 

PS - post here if you experience moments of weakness instead of giving into something less than you deserve.

Edited November 14, 2011 by spice4life