wife won't admit PA with OM

[jake999]

In a nutshell here is the problem:

 

I've been married to my wife for 8 years and we have 2 kids together.

 

There was an OM that my wife was "just friends" with for like 2 months. She hung out with him many times and I suspect that she spent the night at his place a couple times. He has a young child but he lives with his parents still so thats debatable…

 

During that time she decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said it was because of some legitimate relationship problems we have been having. She moved into our guest bedroom during this time.

 

After a while I got suspicious and started snooping. I found out about the OM and had her end their "friendship". I never found a smoking gun of evidence that there was a PA. However, I found some suspicious texts on her phone. Some of them I recovered from a text recovery software so I can't confirm which side of the conversation was my wife. The texts in question are to or from her female friend mentioning meeting up with him that night and "boning him". It could have been her friend meeting up with a guy because she was on a recent one-night stand kick due to her desperation. Or, it could have been my wife talking about finally doing it with the OM. Unfortunately, it's impossible to know which one.

 

I found texts on my wife's phone to a different female friend where my wife wanted to meet up with the OM one more time after I told her to end it for "closure" and the friend asked if she would be able to resist kissing him and said, "cuz kissing will lead to bumping uglies and then u will be back at square one". Also, at an unknown previous time the OM sent a text saying my wife looked hot in a shirt she was wearing. That's not something you normally say to someone that you don't have anything going on with.

 

After catching her at his house via a built-in GPS tracking feature on our cellphones I told her that she must not see him or talk to him ever again. She said she wouldn't. I recently found a prepaid cellphone that she hid that had his number programmed into it. However, the phone battery was dead and I have checked it the last 2 weeks and she hasn't charged it. So, I think that she may really have stopped talking to him. She doesn't know that I know about the cellphone because I don't want to admit to more snooping, especially if she's not talking to him anymore.

 

We started seeing a MC a few weeks ago. We have had 3 sessions. All 3 have been good and we are making progress with the things discussed. However, the only items that we are discussing have been the issues we had before the OM. Neither of us have mentioned anything about the OM.

 

I am finding that the OM is totally occupying my mind and I am obsessed with thinking about it. I am trying my hardest to overcome it but there are so many unknowns and so many conclusions that I'm jumping to that it's killing me. I literally can't go an hour without thinking about it in some way. It's definitely affecting my ability to reconcile our relationship.

 

My wife refuses to admit that the relationship was anything more than a friendship. I don't bring it up to my wife or the MC because I am afraid that she will continue to deny it and it will only cause us to split further apart. How do I approach that? I really want to know what went on, I'm not good at accepting that I may never know. How do I block the thoughts from dominating my life? But, if nothing really did happen then I'm going to completely push her away.

[2011aug]

MC doesnt work if your wife is still in the affair or have taken it deeper underground.

 

Polygraph may help to see if she's telling the truth (if you dont tell her ahead of time). Schedule one and talk with the examiner. Then just bring your wife there for the test.

 

Do you know who the OM is? Can you track him down? Expose the affair to his wife/girlfriend/family. But dont let your wife know you're going to do that.

 

Now that you know your wife is capable of deceit and infidelity, you need to take steps to protect yourself financially and legally. For example, no joint bank accounts or credit cards.

 

And get both yourself and your wife tested for the full panel of STDs.

[whichwayisup]

No you MUST bring it up in MC. Maybe you need one on one with the MC so you can talk about how you feel, and your wife should go one on one with the MC too, as well as still going as a couple.

 

If you've chosen to work through this, want to fight for your marriage, then your wife has to come clean. Hiding the lie in fear that you'll change your mind or get upset isn't good enough reason not to come clean. she owes you the truth.

You can't start over and not know the truth.

 

The evidence speaks for itself, she more or less said she did have sex with him, reading between the lines.. She just has to confirm it.

 

Anyway, talk to your MC and set up an appt alone.

[jake999]

I've basically assumed that the PA has happened. I know that nothing I do now will change that. Even if I take the most drastic actions it doesn't guarantee that she'll admit anything and won't make the feelings go away.

 

I want to continue to reconcile either way, but I think it would be a lot easier if she would admit it. I'm torn because if nothing really happened I'll push her away completely and ruin reconciliation.

 

How do I handle the constant thoughts and emotions running through me? We will literally be driving together and I'll see something that reminds me and it'll put me in a terrible mood and make me want to be as far away from her as possible.

[sadcalifornian]

Right now your relationship with W is on a very shaky ground, so now doesn't seem a good time to confront her with strong demand for truth. She already denied it and pushing her too much would be counterproductive to all the work you have put in restoring your M.

 

However, once you feel the relationship has come to a better place, you can demand the "real" truth. You can even suggest taking a polygraph to put further pressure on her to come clean. In the meantime, I am afraid that you just have to bottle up your anger and anxiety inside you. Try to keep those thoughts at bay using some other means to cope with the thought. You may want to discuss the issue with your MC when your W is not present.

[Owl]

You need to address WHY she's not disclosing all of the pertinent information to you...after you spell out (with the MC's aid) specifically why this is mission critical.

 

If/when she balks...make it clear to her that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's not told you every thing you need to know. (Your own proof of that at this point is the secret squirrel phone).

 

You KNOW she's lied by omission...spell it out to her that you KNOW this...and if she doesn't come clean, there's no hope of reconciliation.

 

Put the ball in her court. If she forces you to "drag out" the proof and pull the phone out of your pocket...then you know darned well she's simply not wiling to take the steps needed to reconcile your marriage...time to let her know that you're done and stop talking MC...start talking attorneys instead.

[Sark]

It took me a year to get the truth out of my wife. I wasted thousands in counseling sessions doing nothing but asking for the truth, and she lied to both the counselor and I. In the end, I bluffed every shred of truth out of her. It was all I had. I would find some tiny piece of information out, and rather than ask her bluntly about it, I would print it out, hold it in my hand, then ask her if she had anything to tell me about whatever it was I had information on. She then proceeded to give me the truth. Almost every time, I didn't have near as much information as she gave me, but she thought I knew everything. It was her guilt that made her speak. It will eat you up until you get it, and even then, you will never know if any of it is true or not, because of all the lies. It is a truly sorry position to be in.

[NervisPervis]

Did you keep the phone? Besides the fun thought of her freaking out trying to find it, it may have valuable info on it. It shouldn't be hard to find a charger for it.

 

No stonewalling here. Two rock-solid pieces of evidence:

 

1 - The secret phone.

2 - Going to the man's house w/o your knowledge? Spent the night there a couple of times? This was a full blown affair. Time to pull out the stops.

 

Pack a suitcase. Tell her she either starts talking or you're gone. Papers will be served tomorrow. Do not allow this to be swept under the rug.

[michelangelo]

It took me a year to get the truth out of my wife. I wasted thousands in counseling sessions doing nothing but asking for the truth, and she lied to both the counselor and I. In the end, I bluffed every shred of truth out of her. It was all I had. I would find some tiny piece of information out, and rather than ask her bluntly about it, I would print it out, hold it in my hand, then ask her if she had anything to tell me about whatever it was I had information on. She then proceeded to give me the truth. Almost every time, I didn't have near as much information as she gave me, but she thought I knew everything. It was her guilt that made her speak. It will eat you up until you get it, and even then, you will never know if any of it is true or not, because of all the lies. It is a truly sorry position to be in.

 

This is valuable advice!

 

This happened to me but the drag -out time of dribbling the truth was a lot longer--years and years.

 

Presume she was and probably still is cheating.

 

Your MC is failing without the full story and no more cheating.

 

My wife used our MC as a method for going into deep cover. She convinced me, and the MC I might add, that she was changed, remorseful, and would never do "it" again.

 

She had never stopped.

[Chi townD]

The truth is, you need to have the truth and complete transparency. Because, if you get bits of the truth (trickle truth) then any progress that you've made through MC can get thrown out the window and you're back to square one. I you have a gut feeling that it went physical then trust your gut. Go to the Doctor and get yourself checked out.

 

You need to convey that you need the truth and also explain what you found in MC (I think that would be best for neutral ground) and if she can't be honest with you then you need to change the focus on Marriage Couseling to coping with each other through a divorce.

[2long]

You've gotten some good advice above, even from an unrepentant philanderer.

 

You need her admission of the truth. Definitely bring up the affair in MC session.

[2long]

Oops, I hit the wrong button!

 

I was going 2 add that, eventually you will come 2 a point that if she hasn't admitted 2 the affair and isn't willing 2 be truthful with you, that you have no "relationship" that you want 2 continue.

 

I've seen it happen many times over the years, that the wayward pulls their head out of their nethers 2 late, only 2 find that the BS is no longer interested in recovery. Often, this realization surprises the BS, 2.

 

-ol' 2long

[nofool4u]

My wife refuses to admit that the relationship was anything more than a friendship. I don't bring it up to my wife or the MC because I am afraid that she will continue to deny it and it will only cause us to split further apart.

 

so let me get this straight. she cheats, and has you thinking you need to bottle it up and not say anything out of fear it will split you further apart?

 

you are giving her all the power here. she gets to make you not talk about it and you get to sit there and have unresolved feelings because of what she did.

 

you are already split over this. she doesn't get to not have to answer any tough questions while you are sitting there conflicted, hurt, and in pain.

 

 

 

How do I approach that? I really want to know what went on

 

 

knowing what really went on will only cause you more pain.

 

What you have to decide is, can you continue living with a woman like this?

 

 

How do I block the thoughts from dominating my life?

 

honestly? by getting rid of your wife and moving on, and more accurately, finding a decent woman.

 

because as long as you are still with your wife, these thoughts will be in your head. may not "dominate" your thoughts later, but they will come back to haunt you.

 

 

But, if nothing really did happen then I'm going to completely push her away.

 

first off, something DID happen physically, you can bank on that.

 

having said that, on the off chance she did not have any physical contact with him, something DID happen. and emotional affair.

 

but since she did meet him alone already and planned to do so again, do you really believe absolutely NOTHING physical happened? if you did, then she has got game and has you snowballed.

 

you are treating her with kid gloves. she somehow has you thinking that she can do this and have you say nothing about it, otherwise the ball is in her court and you'll push her away if you don't simply shut up.

 

do what you think you gotta do, but I think you are being her lapdog.