Need therapy for my childhood abuse

[Kcelleste]

[sIZE=2]I was sexually abused by a family member when I was a toddler. I'm now 28 years old and believe I need a past due mental health check. I believe it has a huge negative effect on me and I want some help.

 

I do know where he is and I need to press charges. He lives in another state and I can't afford to move. My son and I have a life (roots) here so I can't do anything about pressing charges right now. My whole family knows about my abuse but never speak of it. They just swept it under the rug like it never happened.

 

To anyone who is a child abuse survivor or knew someone that have been abused and got help. How do I go about getting therapy or counseling? Are there any books that you will recommend? I'm tired of feeling like this.

 

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[/sIZE]

[Vesna]

I had to get a referral from my GP to see a trauma counsellor. While the last two years has been one can of worms after another, it has been a great help to me. I don't know if I will ever be free of the grief and memories I know I will be able to cope with the demons eventually.

 

Press charges. That abuse should never be rewarded with ignorance.

[Vesna]

PS. There is a book called The Courage to Heal.

[Kcelleste]

I had to get a referral from my GP to see a trauma counsellor. While the last two years has been one can of worms after another, it has been a great help to me. I don't know if I will ever be free of the grief and memories I know I will be able to cope with the demons eventually.

 

Press charges. That abuse should never be rewarded with ignorance.

 

 

Thanks I really appreciate it. What is the meaning of GP?

[Breezy Trousers]

Congratulations. This is a huge, brave decision which will not only help you but also your son.

 

Here's a Reader's Digest version of what worked best for me. Much of it was free or low in cost.

 

1. 12 Step Program -- Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alocholics or Ala-Non. It's the best free group therapy on the planet, yet so few take advantage of it. You can get a sponsor (a

personal coach, if you will) to assist you one-on-one, plus you get the benefit of a large group sharing on a very intimate basis. The deep shame of abuse causes survivors to isolate/withdraw to protect themselves, so learning to trust a group -- a community -- gently breaks through that defense mechanism .... You may have to shop around for the right group because each group, like churches, has its own personality. It costs virtually nothing. Many have been where you're at right now and will help you through it. Helping you heal is the way they heal -- passing it on, the way it was passed on to them by others.

 

2. The Work of Byron Katie. Unbelievable tool. Use it. I recommend her CDs. Best investments I ever made in my life.

 

3. Breathwork.

 

Therapy didn't work for me and I tried it for years. It seems to work for others, so I don't discount it entirely.... Radical forgiveness training healed me the most. Abuse survivors often bury deep rage & hurt which can develop into depression.

 

If you opt for therapy, don't hire someone who tells you that you were a poor victim. It's very compelling to do this because abused kids are never validated, so it feels good to finally get some validation in the beginning of recovery. Just don't get stuck in that. Making anger & victimhood the focus of your recovery and ruminating over the story of your abuse is a dead end. I spend 10 years in that, and I found lots of enablers (therapists). Total waste. You need to get past this, and that's only possible if you take 100 percent responsibility. It seems counter-intuitive to say this to someone who was abused, but most healing is counter-intuitive and filled with paradox.

 

Anger is a necessary stage but don't get stuck in it. You're going to find healing and liberation from suffering by learning how to forgive. That takes time.

 

Predators deliberately target certain kids -- usually those who eager to please authority figures, are * too * empathetic, have weak boundaries and no safety net/strong protector. This is not the child's fault, obviously, but understanding how our personality & family of origin stuff unconsciously plays into that dynamic & taking responsibility for it is another part of recovery. If that is not addressed, who you are may unwittingly invite other forms of abuse down the road ...... I've also seen abuse survivors go to the other extreme, becoming tough, perpetually pissed off and overly defended ... I'm noticing, too, that abuse survivors will get over-reactive toward authority figures they perceive to be abusing their power -- experiencing more rage than the situation might elicit for someone else. (It could explain why many men who were abused as children often cannot work under other people ....) Anyway, it's an ongoing process of awareness. Finding a healthy balance between the extremes, learning to set boundaries and trusting your intuition is much of recovery.

 

Basically, abuse survivors have to let their heart break open (start feeling again & let people in) while developing stronger boundaries at the same time. It's a balancing act. It takes time.

 

Podcasts by Melanie Tonia Evans on narcisstic abuse are helpful -- and free.

 

Books that especially helped me:

1. The Road Less Traveled (Scott Peck);

2. Women Who Love Psychopaths (Sandra Brown) -- same dynamics apply to abuse survivors;

3. The Betrayal Bond (Patrick Carnes).

 

I'm sure I'm overlooking others, but these are the books that immediately come to mind.

 

My very best wishes to you.

[Kcelleste]

Congratulations. This is a huge, brave decision which will not only help you but also your son.

 

Here's a Reader's Digest version of what worked best for me. Much of it was free or low in cost.

 

1. 12 Step Program -- Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alocholics or Ala-Non. It's the best free group therapy on the planet, yet so few take advantage of it. You can get a sponsor (a

personal coach, if you will) to assist you one-on-one, plus you get the benefit of a large group sharing on a very intimate basis. The deep shame of abuse causes survivors to isolate/withdraw to protect themselves, so learning to trust a group -- a community -- gently breaks through that defense mechanism .... You may have to shop around for the right group because each group, like churches, has its own personality. It costs virtually nothing. Many have been where you're at right now and will help you through it. Helping you heal is the way they heal -- passing it on, the way it was passed on to them by others.

 

2. The Work of Byron Katie. Unbelievable tool. Use it. I recommend her CDs. Best investments I ever made in my life.

 

3. Breathwork.

 

Therapy didn't work for me and I tried it for years. It seems to work for others, so I don't discount it entirely.... Radical forgiveness training healed me the most. Abuse survivors often bury deep rage & hurt which can develop into depression.

 

If you opt for therapy, don't hire someone who tells you that you were a poor victim. It's very compelling to do this because abused kids are never validated, so it feels good to finally get some validation in the beginning of recovery. Just don't get stuck in that. Making anger & victimhood the focus of your recovery and ruminating over the story of your abuse is a dead end. I spend 10 years in that, and I found lots of enablers (therapists). Total waste. You need to get past this, and that's only possible if you take 100 percent responsibility. It seems counter-intuitive to say this to someone who was abused, but most healing is counter-intuitive and filled with paradox.

 

Anger is a necessary stage but don't get stuck in it. You're going to find healing and liberation from suffering by learning how to forgive. That takes time.

 

Predators deliberately target certain kids -- usually those who eager to please authority figures, are * too * empathetic, have weak boundaries and no safety net/strong protector. This is not the child's fault, obviously, but understanding how our personality & family of origin stuff unconsciously plays into that dynamic & taking responsibility for it is another part of recovery. If that is not addressed, who you are may unwittingly invite other forms of abuse down the road ...... I've also seen abuse survivors go to the other extreme, becoming tough, perpetually pissed off and overly defended ... I'm noticing, too, that abuse survivors will get over-reactive toward authority figures they perceive to be abusing their power -- experiencing more rage than the situation might elicit for someone else. (It could explain why many men who were abused as children often cannot work under other people ....) Anyway, it's an ongoing process of awareness. Finding a healthy balance between the extremes, learning to set boundaries and trusting your intuition is much of recovery.

 

Basically, abuse survivors have to let their heart break open (start feeling again & let people in) while developing stronger boundaries at the same time. It's a balancing act. It takes time.

 

Podcasts by Melanie Tonia Evans on narcisstic abuse are helpful -- and free.

 

Books that especially helped me:

1. The Road Less Traveled (Scott Peck);

2. Women Who Love Psychopaths (Sandra Brown) -- same dynamics apply to abuse survivors;

3. The Betrayal Bond (Patrick Carnes).

 

I'm sure I'm overlooking others, but these are the books that immediately come to mind.

 

My very best wishes to you.

 

Thank you and I'm happy that you've replied. I think your information will be helpful for me. It's hard for me to trust and be open to others so I can form a possible deep connection. I'm still close to my parents and siblings but that is all my heart will allow. I'm not close to any of my relatives which has something to do with the abuser. I hope I can get past this because it's taking a huge toll on me more then ever because I didn't get the help needed to handle this when I was a child. Thanks again.

[Vesna]

Thanks I really appreciate it. What is the meaning of GP?

General Practitioner.

[Downtown]

[sIZE=2]How do I go about getting therapy or counseling?

Like the members of any profession, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets. It therefore is advisable to do some research when selecting a therapist. You might get a recommendation from a trusted doctor, from online, or by calling the psych depts. at a local university or medical center.

 

When abuse occurs later in life, the trauma usually causes PTSD (e.g., nightmares and anxiety), which is reasonably easy to treat. When it occurs below age 5 (as yours did), however, it happens at the very time that the child is trying to develop a strong self image. Consequently, there is a risk of the trauma interfering with the child's ability to integrate the bad and good aspects of her personality into an integrated whole. Significantly, most abused children grow up without such damage occurring to their emotional core. It nonetheless GREATLY raises the risk of having core damage.

 

If you incurred that sort of damage, you likely would be experiencing it as an inability to trust people, low self esteem, being unsure who you really are, low impulse control, being very controlling of loved ones due to a fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment (from intimacy), or black-white thinking (i.e., categorizing everyone as "all good" or "all bad"). I mention this type of core damage because, if you suffer from it, there are excellent treatment programs (e.g., dialectical behavior therapy) all over the country -- but the treatment usually takes much longer than that for PTSD. And due to the lack of trust typically associated with this childhood damage, it can be difficult to learn to trust the therapist. Take care, Kcelleste.

Edited November 21, 2011 by Downtown

[Kcelleste]

Like the members of any profession, psychologists vary greatly in skill sets. It therefore is advisable to do some research when selecting a therapist. You might get a recommendation from a trusted doctor, from online, or by calling the psych depts. at a local university or medical center.

 

When abuse occurs later in life, the trauma usually causes PTSD (e.g., nightmares and anxiety), which is reasonably easy to treat. When it occurs below age 5 (as yours did), however, it happens at the very time that the child is trying to develop a strong self image. Consequently, there is a risk of the trauma interfering with the child's ability to integrate the bad and good aspects of her personality into an integrated whole. Significantly, most abused children grow up without such damage occurring to their emotional core. It nonetheless GREATLY raises the risk of having core damage.

 

If you incurred that sort of damage, you likely would be experiencing it as an inability to trust people, low self esteem, being unsure who you really are, low impulse control, being very controlling of loved ones due to a fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment (from intimacy), or black-white thinking (i.e., categorizing everyone as "all good" or "all bad"). I mention this type of core damage because, if you suffer from it, there are excellent treatment programs (e.g., dialectical behavior therapy) all over the country -- but the treatment usually takes much longer than that for PTSD. And due to the lack of trust typically associated with this childhood damage, it can be difficult to learn to trust the therapist. Take care, Kcelleste.

 

Thank you and I appreciate your input. I do have some noticable core damage that I need to address. You take care also.