Afraid of the past coming back

[tigersc]

I am new to this site and I'm not sure that I should be opening up om the web about my personal life but here goes.

 

I am a 30 year old male, 6' tall, 200lbs, Blonde hair blue eyes. I have been married two times. The first time I got married just because I felt it was what you were supose to do. I mean I lead a very shelterd life while growing up. I never did drugs of any kind, I never drank till I was 21, I had never experienced sex till I was married at the age or 22. Kinda strange huh? Well I ended the marrage only after about 1.5 years due to the maturity level of my wife. She felt that by running home to Mommy every time we had a dispute was the way to get what what she wanted. But after the 3rd time of running home I said enough is eunough. I then started dating a long life friend. I moved out of the state I grew up in to be with this person. We lived together for 1 year, then married had a wonderful child. But after the birth of my son we went our ways. so after 5 years we called it quits. I dated a few people after that not serious but being social. Till I found this one special girl. we lived together for about 1 year, planned to get married that next year. When she got pregnate. From that time on she treated me like dirt. She then aborted the fetus and then left me. I had not dated any one for one year not social or permanent. I was hurt extreamly by this person. I have recently started dating this girl who I find extremely atractive, and I feel that I am falling in love with her. But she has made the comment to me about the fact that I'm not as passionate as her last relationship. I want to be the person she is looking for but I'm afraid of the past happening again. What advise do you have for someone who is afraid of getting hurt Again. Are all women out to hurt men? or am I just a fool for the wrong type of women. There is more to the story but that is most of all I have. I never have been mean to any of them infact my ex's have called me and told me they have messed up by not keeping me. So what is a person to do?

[Tony T]

You're afraid of the past coming back, I'm afraid of the posts coming back!!!

 

See reply in my post below.

[Jenna]

I didn't pick up on anything that might indicate a serious problem on your part (although -a relationship rarely ends when both people are completely happy)- it may just be that you have had some hard luck. I suspect however- that you may have left out some pertinate information that is needed to get the whole picture.

 

Why would you even entertain the thought that women are out to get you? Do you really believe that? If so- you do need to give us some insight into your childhood- this sheltered life you talk about may have damaged you in some way)

 

But lets just say- for the sake of conversation that there isn't anything in your past causing you to seek out these women.

 

The first one indeed sounds like you and your wife were too young to understand the idea of marriage and committment. It happens to a lot of young people- so if you gave us the whole story- then there probably wasn't much to that one.

 

Now, the second one was a bit more serious- you had deep feelings for this woman- made changes in your life for her and had a child together. Why did you grow apart? What efforts were made to salvage this marriage? Did things just get a little stressed after the baby and you called it quits? I guess that one needs explaining too.

 

The third one- well I don't know what to say about her. Was she under the impression that you were using protection when you weren't? You said she treated you like dirt- why? Were you not happy about the pregnancy? Did she leave you because you were upset about the abortion? You referred to it as a fetus- not a baby- did you pressure her into the abortion because you weren't ready for children with her? The way you spoke of it- one might think that you were emotionally detached regarding the fact the this woman was pregnant with your child- please understand that I realize this could have been simply a choice of words without any meaning- I am just probing all the possibilities.

 

Ok- she left you and now you have met woman #4- you like her- but have not been able to show enough passion- what does that mean?? Are you not affectionate? Not attentive? Don't offer enough conversation? Or not passionate in regards to sex? Passion can mean a lot of things to different people- so if you know what she meant- share it with us.

 

I want to help you- but need more info about your life- and these relationships- Jenna

I am new to this site and I'm not sure that I should be opening up om the web about my personal life but here goes. I am a 30 year old male, 6' tall, 200lbs, Blonde hair blue eyes. I have been married two times. The first time I got married just because I felt it was what you were supose to do. I mean I lead a very shelterd life while growing up. I never did drugs of any kind, I never drank till I was 21, I had never experienced sex till I was married at the age or 22. Kinda strange huh? Well I ended the marrage only after about 1.5 years due to the maturity level of my wife. She felt that by running home to Mommy every time we had a dispute was the way to get what what she wanted. But after the 3rd time of running home I said enough is eunough. I then started dating a long life friend. I moved out of the state I grew up in to be with this person. We lived together for 1 year, then married had a wonderful child. But after the birth of my son we went our ways. so after 5 years we called it quits. I dated a few people after that not serious but being social. Till I found this one special girl. we lived together for about 1 year, planned to get married that next year. When she got pregnate. From that time on she treated me like dirt. She then aborted the fetus and then left me. I had not dated any one for one year not social or permanent. I was hurt extreamly by this person. I have recently started dating this girl who I find extremely atractive, and I feel that I am falling in love with her. But she has made the comment to me about the fact that I'm not as passionate as her last relationship. I want to be the person she is looking for but I'm afraid of the past happening again. What advise do you have for someone who is afraid of getting hurt Again. Are all women out to hurt men? or am I just a fool for the wrong type of women. There is more to the story but that is most of all I have. I never have been mean to any of them infact my ex's have called me and told me they have messed up by not keeping me. So what is a person to do?

[tigersc]

You are right there is more to the relationships than convayed the first letter. Here goes...

 

The first marriage, My family knew her family all got along well and such. I started dating #1 and then felt that I was in LOVE, since I had never really experienced LOVE before I felt like this was it. So we set the date and married. My childhood wasn't too good either. My father was a truck driver who never took time with us as a family. He'd rather be out with other people than us ex: My mom and sister and I spent 2 christmas's with out him because he was out drinking with buds. He never told us he loved us, never expressed andy emotion to my mother or us. He was abusive to my mother and us (verbal and physical) he never really cared. I saw my mother cry many times just because she wanted someone to love her. I made a vow to myself to never treat my children or my wife the way he treated us. I have live up to that vow to this day. Infact I asked my #2 if I had ever mistreated her in any way and she said no, just recently. I am a great father to my son.

 

I have been single for 3 years. During my divorce my attorney asked me how I wanted to file. Sole Custody or Joint. We filed Jount because I told him there isn't a thing other than breast feeding that i couldn't do for that child. I was just trying to political correct when I said fetus rather that child I wanted to keep the baby. we were to be married two months after she found out... Go figure. She was upset at me because opf the decision she made and has admitted it now. But hates me for not STOPPING her. how could I stop her. I'd tell her no and she do it anyway. She was the one in the room not me although a part of me was! Just to let you know i'm not a writer so bare with me... The #2 wife after my sone was born went back to physical therapy school to study. Has been a loner in studies every since I knew her until 1 person needed help (Jim) so she felt inclined to help Jim and decided to study hour upon hour. after a few weeks of 4 am mornings I spoke up and said " I feel like you can study in a more apporate place and time schedule. rather than the one that has been going on. Mind you never told her to stop just have some consideration for her son and Husband. She proceeded to tell me that no body tell her who her friends are and how much time to spend with them. I took care of the house , cooked, cleaned, laundry, child, income, cars, lawn, house outside. All I asked was that she just have some consideration. i don't feel that this was to much. so I said if this is as good as it gets then one of us must leave. joShe left never to return. ("I'm getting there" beare with me)

 

So you see yes there was more to the story but still not more to understand WHY? I have treated all that I have been in a realastionship great and with respect. all I expect in return is good and some respect. As far as the passionate part... She wants me to just come unglued with her. I don't mind this and I'd enjoy it but... the feelings of getting hurt are there but most inportantly she has a child too and with a child in the house during waking hours isnt the time for a no bars hold passoinate time. We have only had that opportunity 1 time we that we have been together. Sooooooo..... this leaves me at aloss.What do I do and not only this but this morning she made reference to the fact that we are "not commited" and asked me what I'd do if she told me that she was with another man.... Well I said that if she was with another, than she has made a choice and I'd leave the picture. and she got mad at me. I stated If you arn't happy and need to find someone else to make you happy why should I hang around? DUH I really dont know what or where this relationship is going but I need some one to not F--- with my mind like this.

 

what do you have to say?

[Jenna]

Okay- now I feel better about advising you on this question- thanks for being so honest.

 

I know that our childhood experiences (good and bad) can and do have a major impact on our adult lives. Part of being an adult is to not look for excuses for our mistakes- but rather to learn from them- and try not to repeat them.

 

I don't have much to say about marriage #1- except- "too young"- write that one off and stop recounting it when things go wrong in your current relationships.

 

The lady that decided to go through with the abortion- has issues that don't have anything to do with you. You are the only one she can logically blame for her feelings of regret- so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for this herself. The emotional effects of having an abortion can last a lifetime- and even though people often make the decision to do it without a lot of feeling or thought- they can't stop the rush of emotion that comes on afterwards. Having said that- I want to say that I firmly believe it is a womans choice- it's her body -I just wish that some bigger efforts were made to counsel women on the harsh realities of the way it will make them feel- BEFORE the doctor agrees to perform the procedure-as well as AFTER it is done. If you did not insist on the abortion- or even try to convince her in a subtle way to do it- and let her know that you did not approve- there isn't anything else you could have done. There isn't any point in dwelling on this either.

 

I think that the real issues come into play with your marriage to the lady that you have a child with. That marriage was probably salvagable- and it sounds like you both are experiencing some level of regret over the break-up. I kind of get the feeling that you are somewhat of a push-over when it comes to women. Your intentions are good- but you are trying so hard NOT to be your father- you are taking it to extremes in the other direction. You think it was a "good" thing that you allowed your wife to continue this relationship with another man- you were trying to be fair to her- but who was being fair to you?? Instincts told you that it wasn't appropriate- and yet you continued to pussy-foot around the issue. You stated that you took care of the house, cooking, laundry, child care,- I assume that you meant "alone." By doing this- and not requiring that she be a part of your family\home life- you allowed her to take advantage of you. Even the best of people can fall into a situation where they are taking advantage of someone-when everything is handed to them on a silver platter- without the demand of reciprocation. And you saw for yourself what happens- she got used to it- and when you had a need for something (regarding the study buddy) -she snapped- she didn't want things to change- who would in her situation. People treat you badly when you allow it to happen- you are responsible for your own happiness.

 

Maybe your ex-wife has since done some soul searching- and realized that she had a good thing in you. In revealing these feelings to you- it may have sparked an interest in considering a possible 2nd chance. If this is true- then you aren't able to put the kind of attention and\or passion into your current relationship that is required to satisy either of you and build a health relationship.

 

If you aren't interested in trying again with your former wife- then you need to look at the issues at hand. I read a response the other day from Tony (maybe it was to you)- I can't remember- but he made a good point- if you aren't willing to accept that love is just a crap shoot- then you shouldn't get involved. Using a child in the home as an excuse to withhold affection from your mate is ridiculous. Now, I'm not saying that you should throw her down in the living room floor and have sex in front of the child- but kissing- hugging-and cuddling in the presence of a child is actually good for them. It shows them (by example) what people who are in love are supposed to do. Save sex for after the child goes to bed- but there isn't any reason not to do the rest.

 

To be happy in a relationship- you must let go of your fears- make yourself vulnerable- its the only way you will appreciate when someone makes an effort to protect you. Don't do 100% of the work 100% of the time- if you do- you are just asking to be taken advantage of. You are obviously very in tune to a women's emotional needs- or at least you can recognize them- now get in tune with your own needs- make them known to your mate-and you both work on meeting those needs- every hour of every day of every week and so on.

 

Good Luck! Jenna (sorry so long-but there was a lot to say)

You are right there is more to the relationships than convayed the first letter. Here goes... The first marriage, My family knew her family all got along well and such. I started dating #1 and then felt that I was in LOVE, since I had never really experienced LOVE before I felt like this was it. So we set the date and married. My childhood wasn't too good either. My father was a truck driver who never took time with us as a family. He'd rather be out with other people than us ex: My mom and sister and I spent 2 christmas's with out him because he was out drinking with buds. He never told us he loved us, never expressed andy emotion to my mother or us. He was abusive to my mother and us (verbal and physical) he never really cared. I saw my mother cry many times just because she wanted someone to love her. I made a vow to myself to never treat my children or my wife the way he treated us. I have live up to that vow to this day. Infact I asked my #2 if I had ever mistreated her in any way and she said no, just recently. I am a great father to my son. I have been single for 3 years. During my divorce my attorney asked me how I wanted to file. Sole Custody or Joint. We filed Jount because I told him there isn't a thing other than breast feeding that i couldn't do for that child. I was just trying to political correct when I said fetus rather that child I wanted to keep the baby. we were to be married two months after she found out... Go figure. She was upset at me because opf the decision she made and has admitted it now. But hates me for not STOPPING her. how could I stop her. I'd tell her no and she do it anyway. She was the one in the room not me although a part of me was! Just to let you know i'm not a writer so bare with me... The #2 wife after my sone was born went back to physical therapy school to study. Has been a loner in studies every since I knew her until 1 person needed help (Jim) so she felt inclined to help Jim and decided to study hour upon hour. after a few weeks of 4 am mornings I spoke up and said " I feel like you can study in a more apporate place and time schedule. rather than the one that has been going on. Mind you never told her to stop just have some consideration for her son and Husband. She proceeded to tell me that no body tell her who her friends are and how much time to spend with them. I took care of the house , cooked, cleaned, laundry, child, income, cars, lawn, house outside. All I asked was that she just have some consideration. i don't feel that this was to much. so I said if this is as good as it gets then one of us must leave. joShe left never to return. ("I'm getting there" beare with me) So you see yes there was more to the story but still not more to understand WHY? I have treated all that I have been in a realastionship great and with respect. all I expect in return is good and some respect. As far as the passionate part... She wants me to just come unglued with her. I don't mind this and I'd enjoy it but... the feelings of getting hurt are there but most inportantly she has a child too and with a child in the house during waking hours isnt the time for a no bars hold passoinate time. We have only had that opportunity 1 time we that we have been together. Sooooooo..... this leaves me at aloss.What do I do and not only this but this morning she made reference to the fact that we are "not commited" and asked me what I'd do if she told me that she was with another man.... Well I said that if she was with another, than she has made a choice and I'd leave the picture. and she got mad at me. I stated If you arn't happy and need to find someone else to make you happy why should I hang around? DUH I really dont know what or where this relationship is going but I need some one to not F--- with my mind like this. what do you have to say?

[tigersc]

I appreciate your honesty, But I 'm still not quite sure you understand all of the details. Wife #2 has since remarried and had a child. Not with study buddy. But that still doesn't keep her from stating that I'm a good father and a good friend. ex: While she was preg. she called and said "remember when we were married and the cookies you made? " I said Yeh! she asked " could you please make them for me since I'm preg. and craving them?" Well since we have a better relationship apart than together I made them and gave them to her at the front door and then proceeded to go the basement to talk to her current husband for 45 min.

 

Yes, I feel that I am intune with womens emotions... But some times I get put down by this from women.

 

My wife #2 told me before we divorced that I love her to much... lets see to love someone to much... How do you do that. I feel that if you marry someone that the sky is the limit. I guess this is not the feelings I should have. I was not allowed to tell her I loved her, not allowed to give her cards, hugs, kisses ect. no sigh of emotional support. Which is totally what I have vowed to stand for.

 

Relationship #3 (girlfriend who hates me) She too told me that I cared to much for her and she felt that she could never care as much for me. Now I appreciate her being concerned about this but let me make the choice if what she is giving is enough or not. I was satisfied in the relationship... See you are right I am a pushover ( so I'll not ever reveal my Identity HUH) I don't tell the people in the relationships what to do I feel that they are adult enough to make those decisions on their own. If you want to be with someone else go. Don't expect me to fight for you if you make that decison. Now if someone is hitting on you or makes you uncomfortable then I'll step In and take control only if you want me to. I feel that as adults we all are responsable for our actions and for our future. I do not blame my father because he was a bad one and then do as he did. I took a stand and said this is my life and I going to change it. It takes a stronger person to change a cycle than to conform to repetivness. I'm now told by my current girlfriend that I'm to perfect! yea right. I asked her have you seen me walk in water? There is only one man who is perfect. Just that I know what I want out of life and I have taken the effort to get those things. I at another time was told by a friend (female) while slow dancing that I scared her. Now this female was about 4 years older than myself. Her reasoning was that "you know wnat you want out of life" DUH. My way of thinking must be all f----d Up if now women want someone who doesn't know what they want out of life and sit in the middle of the pond and go in circles with one paddle and the other is sitting right there in the boat. I'd like to continue this conversation in trying to get a non-baised oppinions and views. I'll do anything for my mate but change who I am since I don't feel that the person I am is a bad person and the values I believe in are bad ones. Comments?

[Jenna]

I just want to make sure..... did you want "me" to comment? Or have you heard enough out of me? Just checking- I don't want to offer unsolicited advice- and you won't hurt my feelings if you want me to butt out. Jenna

I appreciate your honesty, But I 'm still not quite sure you understand all of the details. Wife #2 has since remarried and had a child. Not with study buddy. But that still doesn't keep her from stating that I'm a good father and a good friend. ex: While she was preg. she called and said "remember when we were married and the cookies you made? " I said Yeh! she asked " could you please make them for me since I'm preg. and craving them?" Well since we have a better relationship apart than together I made them and gave them to her at the front door and then proceeded to go the basement to talk to her current husband for 45 min. Yes, I feel that I am intune with womens emotions... But some times I get put down by this from women. My wife #2 told me before we divorced that I love her to much... lets see to love someone to much... How do you do that. I feel that if you marry someone that the sky is the limit. I guess this is not the feelings I should have. I was not allowed to tell her I loved her, not allowed to give her cards, hugs, kisses ect. no sigh of emotional support. Which is totally what I have vowed to stand for. Relationship #3 (girlfriend who hates me) She too told me that I cared to much for her and she felt that she could never care as much for me. Now I appreciate her being concerned about this but let me make the choice if what she is giving is enough or not. I was satisfied in the relationship... See you are right I am a pushover ( so I'll not ever reveal my Identity HUH) I don't tell the people in the relationships what to do I feel that they are adult enough to make those decisions on their own. If you want to be with someone else go. Don't expect me to fight for you if you make that decison. Now if someone is hitting on you or makes you uncomfortable then I'll step In and take control only if you want me to. I feel that as adults we all are responsable for our actions and for our future. I do not blame my father because he was a bad one and then do as he did. I took a stand and said this is my life and I going to change it. It takes a stronger person to change a cycle than to conform to repetivness. I'm now told by my current girlfriend that I'm to perfect! yea right. I asked her have you seen me walk in water? There is only one man who is perfect. Just that I know what I want out of life and I have taken the effort to get those things. I at another time was told by a friend (female) while slow dancing that I scared her. Now this female was about 4 years older than myself. Her reasoning was that "you know wnat you want out of life" DUH. My way of thinking must be all f----d Up if now women want someone who doesn't know what they want out of life and sit in the middle of the pond and go in circles with one paddle and the other is sitting right there in the boat. I'd like to continue this conversation in trying to get a non-baised oppinions and views. I'll do anything for my mate but change who I am since I don't feel that the person I am is a bad person and the values I believe in are bad ones. Comments?

[tigersc]

I'd like all the advise you have to offer.

[tigersc]

Just wanted to express some feeling I have before you reply: I feel that most women say they want someone to love them respect them andcomfort them. I have known ladies that they stay in abusive verbal/physical relationships when they could have better... I don't mean me just I feel that women tell you they want these things and when they get them they somehow decide they don't want them please sdvise in this to. I really messed up HUH?

[Jenna]

You wrote:

"I appreciate your honesty, But I 'm still not quite sure you understand all of the details."

 

You're right- I don't understand "all" of the details- only the ones that you have given me. So I will go on what I have- until we get down to the last detail that you want to give.

 

When I was speaking of wife #2 in my earlier post- I didn't know what her marital status was (or didn't remember)- however- the point I was trying to make- given the information- was that your lack of passion for the new girlfriend "might" stem from feelings that your still harbor for your former wife. Of course it was just a shot in the dark- since I don't know you from Adam.

 

I think it is a wonderful thing that you still have a friendship with her- even though the cookie thing was a little weird- but whatever works for you. If you and her and her husband are cool with it- then thats all that matters. But, despite the fact that she is remarried and has a child with this new man- you "could" still have feelings for her. I say this because you speak very fondly of her- and you have said that she expressed her regret about letting you go. That alone is bound to make anyone who was in love -think of what "might have been." Only you can know how you truly feel- and if you insist that this matter could not be a possible reason for your current problem- then I have no reason not to believe you.

 

Moving on...

 

You wrote:

"Yes, I feel that I am intune with womens emotions... But some times I get put down by this from women."

I can't imagine what kind of woman would want to belittle you for understanding how they feel. Unless, you assume that you know- when really you are way off base. Again- just a shot in the dark- as you were vague about what you meant by that statement.

 

You wrote:

"My wife #2 told me before we divorced that I love her to much..."

Maybe what she meant was that you loved her "so" much- that in an attempt to give her exactly what YOU thought she wanted- you missed the things that were important to HER.

 

I think everyone needs to be gently reminded of their boundaries at sometime or another. I spoke earlier about you being a "push-over" (for lack of a better term)- you were so interested in not upsetting her by putting your foot down about the study-buddy- not only did you compromise your own self-respect, but you managed to "disprove" the exact thing you were trying so hard to prove- that you cared. Let me see if I can explain this a little better- its like when a night watchman (being your wife) makes his rounds in a building he is responsible for (being your marriage)- as he walks through the halls- checking each door(being you) for security- looking for signs of a break-in - there is a sense of excitement as he reaches for the knob- he's thinking of all the possibilities if that door is not locked. Is there stranger inside? Will there be a struggle? Are things missing? etc...and even with the excitement and anticipation building up inside of him- he is always relieved to find that the door is securely locked and everything is safe. Children do this to their parents- they test us- by acting up- but are relieved to know that mom and dad still care enough to demand good behavior. Your wife- in the beginning of the study-buddy situation-needed you to stand up to the test- to remind her that you cared enough to say no to her behavior. I do understand what you were trying to accomplish- but what she needed was entirely different. At the late point that you did start making demands on her about the situation- she may have already been convinced that you didn't care what she did- and were only trying to control her.

 

If I came to my husband and said that I was going to be studying at late hours with another man as an on-going thing- I would honestly hope that he would say "I don't think so"- at least there would be no doubt that he thought enough of us as a couple to be worried.

 

You wrote:

"I'm now told by my current girlfriend that I'm to perfect! yea right."

I suspect that the same thing applies here- you are letting her get away with "whatever"- when she really needs you to show not only some self-respect- but also some respect for the relationship. Maybe- her definition of "passion" isn't about sex at all- but rather about showing some emotions regarding your true feelings on whats right and wrong.

 

Women don't want a man who is "too" nice as they put it. They want a man who is respectful- AND respectable. You seem to lose sight of "respectable" when you get caught up in the "respectful" part. You "can" have both.

 

Regarding your friend and the comment about knowing what you want, she isn't speaking for the majority. Mature women who are looking for someone to spend their life with are most definately looking for a man that knows what he wants. We need to be able to tell if he is looking for a casual-fun time or if he's seeking the same thing as we are. We don't want men who figure it out as they go- that has a 50% chance of disaster. We need better odds than that.

 

So, does your current girlfriend want more passion or has she decided that you are "too" nice and wants to move on? You probably need to know either way. Talk to her- and be firm about your feelings- the ones for her- and the ones you expect "from" her. If you find that you both are on separate paths- then cut your loses and get on with it.

 

I don't think that you are a "bad" person- although you aren't true to yourself. That doesn't make you "bad"-it makes you "sad." I am telling you -what you have proven over and over to yourself- you must not get lost in the act of pleasing others. Is is a good thing that you want to be fair to women allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions- but how can they be expected to make the right decisions about "you" if you never let them see the real you- the one who needs just as much love and attention and respect as you are showing them?? Jenna

[tigersc]

Thank you for now I appreciate all your advise and comments. Looking forward to futher discussions where you are invloved. You are a very expressive person and Honest and I am thankful for that. Till next time our paths cross c-ya

 

Tigersc.