Why can't I let go?

[MJEW]

I don;t know where else to talk...I have totally used up all of the pages in my journal and them some, I feel like I am stuck in a time warp and I cannot get out of it no matter how hard I try.

 

I cannot forget about my ex husband....WHY??? It is driving me nuts...I have always held onto this belief that maybe, one day, just maybe there is a time for us, that our time was not the right time and that one day I would be able to make up for all of the hurt. That one day we would both be able to put into a relationship what we couldn't put in before.

I have been involved in a relationship, and he as well. But I have always kept this hope that one day maybe....

 

I have been on vacations with my boyfriend, and he wanted to go to Mexico, I said no way.....why?? Cause that is where we had our honeymoon and we vacationed together. I have never been there again, for I did not want to taint that... I wanted to save Mexico for us, now I find out through a friend that they have booked a trip to Mexico for February, the same month we always went away and the same area....how stupid am I for holding out so long.

 

OMG I am so crazy for holding onto this hope....I am aren't I.

[Bito]

Does your current boyfriend know the real reason why? I feel terrible for him.

[lymtal1]

mjew,

 

the answer is yes and no.

 

yes because this "hope" is not allowing you to get on with your life.

 

no because you never know what the future may bring. but while you may have no control over that, you do have control over you.

 

so recognize that you can't forget about him, this is something that so many of us are going through. don't try to forget. the more you try the more you will think of him. it will take you taking control of what you want out of life as it exists without him in it.

 

but if you are this emotionally still connected to the ex this also might mean that you are not really emotionally available for the guy you are with now. kinda a bad situation for you and him. i am sure you are not doing anything to intentionally hurt this guy. but based on what you are saying you are not really 100% there for him. is a catch 22 for sure. i have just gone there myself and i am torn. can't stop thinking about ex but hoping that the other girl will help me get past her. i know what i have to do.

 

so many of us want that second chance with our ex. this is clearly on your mind. but for you to move on and have a meaningful relationship with someone else you have to move on from the ex. if he comes back down the road so be it. but don't expect it and don't wait for it. live your life thinking that he is gone. you will be so much happier and so will the people that are in your life RIGHT now.

[Newflor32]

Mjew, lymtal1 is right on the spot. Its not easy, we all know it. I too got in a relationship before i was ready which was 1 yr and 3 mths out. This for many may be enough time but i wasn't over my ex-husband. I know you are trying but until you let that hope of reconciliation go, you will be in limbo for awhile to come. Im not fully there either but im making the steps such as filing for my divorce, changing my number, blocking his email and finally the most important accepting my role in demise of the relationship, forgiving my ex for is wrongs( this isnt for him), forgiving myself for accepting crumbs and knowing better and truly letting go of that relationship. I am cutting him if from my life( atleast till im healed) and I dont want to about his as it delays the healing process. You have to accept that he will be doing all the things he did with you and perhaps more with is gf. Its not bad but just difficult for us to imagine cause we feel that love belong to us. They chose to give it someone else and they have the right to. Now we have to let go of something that perhaps was never meant to be. If u get back together that would be great but if not it should be great too. I spoke to him 3 wks ago and it was an emotional setback so i know there is work to do and you can do it too. Its not fair to our current partners, if the relationship should fail let it be from its own strengths or weaknesses, not from not letting go of the ex. Acceptance is hard but not impossible. Im goin on a cruise next week and im gonna try have the time of my life. I too wonder if he regrets the break up, think about me but i have made the decision to cut these thoughts when the service by wishing him love and happiness and wishing same for me, for us all to be contented. Our current wants us and if the ex wanted to be on vacation with us they would be. Their loss!! In life we never know what expect but you have to live inthe now, the present. We have so much in common and we can get through this. You need to be honest with yourself and your bf, dont just hit him with everything cause you have mindful of how he feels. Enjoy!!!

Edited November 9, 2011 by Newflor32

[MJEW]

Thank you Lymtal and Newflor...I hear what you are saying, and i know it is what I have to do, and usually i"m ok with it and I go on day to day, then some days it just creeps up on me and it consumes me I guess.

 

Bito...yes the current knows, he knows that I still carry that torch for my ex husband, we have been together for over 4 years, he's asked me to marry him, I said yes at first thinking that this is a great way to get over my ex husband ( sad isn't it ) then I sat down with him and told him that although he is a good man, I cannot marry him. I told him that I do love him but that I cannot see myself being married again and that is no fault of his own. I have been honest with him and we have both gone to counselling talking about the issue.

 

We have a strange relationship, a good one, he is a good man with a loving heart and he has taken in my 2 boys and treats them well. Do I love him, of course I do, do I want to marry him, no, can I see us lasting forever, no I cannot.

 

I go on day by day, living life kind of split in 2. I want to make this relationship work, and I try but I seem to only be able to give half of me and the other half sits in limbo. My current and I do have fun, all in all the relationship is a good one, I just seem to stop at a certain point and dont allow myself to carry on, I go backwards.

Call me crazy, I know, my ex husband has moved on and wants nothing to do with me. I do wish him well, I wish him love and happiness, but I secretly wish him back too.

 

I feel hollow ( that part that sits in limbo)...I have this notion that I cannot do some of the things that I shared with my ex husband for I do not want that memory tainted, I want to keep it just him and I. Hence the Mexico...silly I know, I guess I am just tourtering myself.

 

In speaking with close friends and family members, they say that I am holding on because I am taking FULL responsibility for the break down of our marriage. My ex husband I guess has accepted his failure and moved on, but I can't seem to. I would like to think that I can re marry, or give myself 100%, and I think about a wedding day, but when I walk down the isle, I see my ex husband, if we go on a trip, I see my ex husband sitting by the pool with his silly drinks. Crazy yes.....I feel that when we were married, we both were going through things that we didn't help each other with...that's both of our faults, I was immature about alot of things and I didn't know how to deal with things within the marriage. I have learned so much in the last few years about what I had done wrong in the marriage, and i just keep hoping that someday I can make it right, He thinks that I had an affair on him, i did not, I was with someone when we were separated living in the same house waiting for the house to sell, but I didn't step out of the marriage before I told him that we should separate.

 

I know I should be taking those steps forward, apart of me is, but that other part of me is still looking backwards and I can't seem to get her to catch up to me.

 

In the last year, my current and I have broken up 3 times because of this, I have left him all 3 times because I didn't think it was fair to him, all 3 times I have gone back because I have this stupid desire to try and make it work, that I cannot fail at this like I did my marriage. My ex husband says that I need a man.....huh....well I don't need a man....I just need to forgive myself......

[Newflor32]

Im fighting just like you are. I havent won this battle, in fact i dont even know what it will be like to win. I just know i want to gey to a point where the pain is gone and he doesnt constantly cross my mind. I cried like 20 seconds today when i thought about some hurtful things he said. I have my moments. I no longer see a future with him, nor do i want to get back with him. I couldnt lay in the same bed with him ever. I dont hate him but i dont trust him. My challenge is the hurt that left. That i loved someone who could hurt me so profoundly and that he was able treat me that way when we broke up. The breakup really destroyed me. When i have a bad day it resurfaces. I know im slowly healing cause i was a mess earlier this year. My divorce is in its final stages. It also really hurt that the marriage meant little to him but im gonna give him his freedom. He will never see or hear from me again and my focus is getting pass the hurt.

I just think you have to truly let go. Its not easy but you have to stop holding out hope. I would hate to live with that hope

[Newflor32]

Im fighting just like you are. I havent won this battle, in fact i dont even know what it will be like to win. I just know i want to get to a point where the pain is gone and he doesnt constantly cross my mind. I cried like 20 seconds today when i thought about some hurtful things he said. I have my moments. I no longer see a future with him, nor do i want to get back with him. I couldnt lay in the same bed with him ever. I dont hate him but i dont trust him. My challenge is the hurt thats left. That i loved someone who could hurt me so profoundly and that he was able treat me that way when we broke up. The breakup really destroyed me. When i have a bad day it resurfaces. I know im slowly healing cause i was a mess earlier this year. My divorce is in its final stages. It also really hurt to know that the marriage meant little to him but im gonna give him his freedom. He will never see or hear from me again and my focus is getting pass the hurt.

I just think you have to truly let go. Its not easy but you have to stop holding out hope. I would hate to live with that hope.

[MJEW]

Well I had a mental meltdown last year, literally total bananas...I had to take a month off of work doctors orders and was taking some funky pills to help...I am better, somewhat...I told my ex last summer that I was sorry for the breakdown of the marriage, that i can't seem to get beyond it, beyond him and I, no compassion his part on, not that I expected any really.....he told me that I needed a man and that was that he was happy he was divorced....ouch....

 

Maybe I am just punishing myself for all that I did.

 

I would love to go a day without thinking about the what if's...I would love to go a day without thinking about him....its really not fair that I do this, not fair to me, my kids or my boyfriend,....... I am not a happy person, and I don't know how to let go.