how to move forward

[Dblock10]

ok so try explain this to me, or help me out if you can as i feel stuck.

 

i have read that in order to feel happiness or to feel better and move on>

 

"they say, the best revenge is living well. Enjoy being single."

 

however, in my situation my ex has got her degree (a very good one) is travelling the world, luxurious beaches, bunjee jumping swimming with sharks, and who knows what else etc basically having the time of her life. literally.

 

whilst i am mid way through my studies and am doing ok. stuck in britain, dull dark and wet weather with not a lot going on. and i am at the uni where i met her.

 

since the break up (she basically didn't want to continue it when it came to the crunch) the only time we have talked is if i have said hello to her first. we have had good conversations, friendly and her asking about me and uni etc.

 

literally the day after the final break up i went to the hospital to say goodbye to my dying nan who then passed away the week after, my ex never reached out to ask how i was or how was my nan. in fact it was 7 weeks before we had a conversation (she hadnt left to travel just yet, was working a lot) because i said hello to her on fb just to see if she would even reply.

 

she did and said she was sorry, been very busy and she does care about my nan and wondered why i hadn't told her, even saying i was still able to call her to talk if i wanted to.

 

she didn't take her phone with her, and the only way we can have communication is via face book.

 

basically i feel really sad and a bit crap that she doesn't or hasn't said hello to me or initiated any contact even if we are both online. however the other day she donated some money for a charity raising event i am doing, and i had never told her about the event. its to support people who died from what my nan had (and ironically what her nan also suffered from). yeah she would have seen it from the friends notification updates wall no doubt but still... :S

 

its hard for me to see her move on and do all of these things without me in her life at all and feeling like ive just been tossed aside and forgotten. yet i still care about her and cant bring myself to remove her and block her from my facebook.

 

yeah i havent looked on her profile once since she left (will power and being scared to see her since i have feelings for her), but you know when you are on face book you can some times see the list of your friends on the left hand side, well she always seems to pop up in that friends list and if she has changed her profile picture, which is a lot these days, it makes me feel sick i get that sick feeling, you all know what i mean.

 

she never used to change the profile pic and never really went on face book much. obviously since she has gone travelling she is keen to get all of those pictures up and is on fb a fair bit. its not that ive seen her with another guy in her photos, (but im sure that will come) its just maybe her infront of a beach, or hotel, or bunjee jumping

 

all i know is i miss her a lot, i wish we didnt break up, and i wish this travelling didnt come between us. i just cant see myself without her in my future.

 

seeing her on fb chat but her not talking to me is hard. and the way it ended was that i had no choice really but to let her go.

 

help

[LelouchIsZero]

Dblock, people have already suggested a way for you to "move forward", but you didn't want to take it.

[happypanda21]

Block her off Facebook, if you have any other way to contact her, block/delete/erase those ways too.

 

If you want to move forward, you must prevent things from stopping you from moving forward. Once you have done that, you will realize that you have already taken the 1st step in moving forward.

 

We all understand how hard this is, for some it may take a few days, others months. If you truly want to move on with your life, you know what you need to do, you just need the courage in doing it now.

[karmaqueen]

I know it's easier said than done, but stop torturing yourself by looking at facebook or take her off your fb friends. Then reward yourself by planning something nice for YOU. I know the weather and dark evenings don't help, but you still need to do something that you like, even if it's just a small thing. Also, people generally put good things on facebook- she's not going to put a photo up of her crying from loneliness is she? Take it with a pinch of salt, stop looking at it and look after yourself!

[Dblock10]

karma

 

Im not looking on her fb wall or photos etc, i know that would kill me. but its when i see her little display picture change i cant handle it. its true that fb isnt a true reflection of feelings all the time, but you can probably more likely assume she is massively happy and hasnt thought about me.

 

what am i meant to do, just disappear from her life completely and block and delete, what about mutual friends, start removing all of them to...

 

 

happypanda2:

 

only way is facebook, she didn't take her phone, and i don't have her email.

 

she of course didn't tell me she wasn't taking her phone, as i txt her happy birthday and never heard back, obviously.

 

i feel like this whole situation is preventing me moving forward, i never wanted us to break up whilst she was away, i still feel it doesnt feel right that this is the way it is. its why i keep wanting to tell her this and to reach out to tell her i still think about her and wondered if she felt anything back.

i am at the uni where i met her had those good memories. i feel sick knowing she isn't coming back to me, she will come back to her now "new life"

 

removing her from facebook first without explaining how i still felt would feel just as bad as keeping her on it.

 

LelouchIsZero

 

i couldn't accept it mate, but now it feels real and i hate that it feels or starting to feel like a distant memory

[smudge21]

"what am i meant to do, just disappear from her life completely and block and delete"

 

YES!

 

You want to heal and move on, then you need to let go, otherwise you'll be posting here forever...

[flitzanu]

"what am i meant to do, just disappear from her life completely and block and delete"

 

YES!

 

You want to heal and move on, then you need to let go, otherwise you'll be posting here forever...

 

agreed.

 

thats the point of breaking up, she's gone. so make her gone from your social world.

[karmaqueen]

Either stop looking at facebook, or take her off it. No need to delete mutual friends- if they are true friends they will still be around for you.

You are hurting really badly and need to protect yourself from constant reminders of her. It takes time and some days are worse than others but you need to let go of her so you can get better. Make the first step and it will get easier.

[Dblock10]

but i cant remove her. i love her

 

basically she has been gone 3 months at the end of November.

 

what am i doing.

 

i miss her, want her to be with me. what the hell am i going to do.

 

the cycle of wanting to tell her my feelings or to see if she has any toward me is massive. yet the fear of telling her is also massive.

 

it keeps me stuck in this limbo and i cannot escape. this is really getting to me now. really dont know what to do

[Thieves]

Dblock, listen very closely, okay? And I'm telling you this because I was once in your place, except where I had gone completely No Contact, yet still had the feeling of wanting to tell 'him' how I felt since I didn't feel right about us not talking to each other. Being where you are at now, you have two options:

 

1. Go completely No Contact, stick to it, and take the time to heal. Or...

2. Break No Contact and tell her how you feel.

 

With the first option, total NC means just that. No Facebook (doesn't matter if you don't look or don't see her "wall", in the back of your head, you know she's still on there which holds you back), no e-mail, nothing.

 

The solution for your situation is often simple, but hard to do: If it brings you pain by doing it, and it's something that you can help, stop doing it.

 

Like others have said, it doesn't matter if you can't see her actual display picture on Facebook. If you can see her 'little display picture' and it still makes you feel sick or bad in any way, you know what you need to do. Either delete her/block her on your Facebook... or find a way to totally filter her from your friends list where you can't see anything from her (I don't have Facebook so I don't know if there's an option to do this).

 

You can try and make all the excuses you want for why you don't want to do that, but the longer you keep her on there, the longer you will keep causing yourself pain. How do I know this? Because it's been 3 months for you now. Long enough, right? Facebook isn't going anywhere, I promise, and when you do move on and get past this then you can always re-add her later.

 

But you do have the power to try and ease the pain you're feeling, so it's good to use it. If you're afraid that she'll think badly of you for deleting/blocking her on Facebook, you can even let her know that there's no hard feelings and that you appreciate her being kind about your nana (and that's all), and then do it. But you need to put yourself first now.

 

 

The second option is break No Contact. I do not recommend doing this, but it's obvious your curiosity is preventing you from moving on. If you truly feel that she should know how you feel, then you can tell her, but do it for yourself. Do it only once, and don't do it with the main motive being to get her back, or hoping that she'll return your feelings. Trust me on that. I did the same thing, and I did not get the response I wanted, which hurt a lot. But I learned from it. The thing is, I have a feeling that your ex would've given you some sort of clue or anything at all by now that she regrets how things turned out, or that she wants to fix it somehow. If it doesn't seem like that, then it's most likely not a good idea to reach out right now.

 

It's clear that you're avoiding making a real decision about this, but it's necessary you make one very soon. Why? The longer you put off making one, then the longer you will stay in limbo like this, the longer you will continue to mentally 'torture' yourself with wanting to break contact, and the longer it will take for you to heal. I'd say your best bet is going complete NC and doing your best to move on, though I know it'll be hard. But no one ever said it was going to be easy, Dblock. It's not supposed to be easy. It's a break up, but we all have to go through the motions to try and come out stronger from this.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Thieves

[Rorschach64]

Let's see....if I can remember this correctly.....your ex totally blew off the fact that your nan was sick and passed correct? She didn't say jack nothing to you? Right?

 

If that is correct Dblock, what does that indicate to you? It would indicate she cares nothing about you or your family.

 

 

Further more, she hasn't said anything to you in a long while right? Hrmm...why do you suppose she would do that? Oh I know...SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! SHE IS TOTALLY HAPPY WITH THE SITUATION AND HER DECISION NOT TO WORK STUFF OUT WITH YOU!

 

Sorry to be harsh man but I am doing you a favor, I know someone had to do this to me to snap me outta my funk with simple logic. Think about it, would you do any of the things I listed above to someone you loved with all your heart? I know I wouldn't.

[Dblock10]

thanks for the reply thieves appreciate your words, here is my reply

 

what exactly did you tell him? i can understand what you mean about it not feeling right about you two not talking at all. And i just know that if i fully block and delete her from my Facebook, i too will end up feeling like you have just described.

 

i am in semi NC if you will. although I've been trying hard to avoid fb and avoid her in that way and if she pops up on chat i don't immediately talk to her, sometimes (most times) i wish she would be the one to say hey.

 

"The solution for your situation is often simple, but hard to do: If it brings you pain by doing it, and it's something that you can help, stop doing it"

 

hence why I've kept away from fb recently.

 

if it makes me feel sick or in a bad way, then that tells me i have love for her, i have deep feelings for her. i have taken her off the news feed and blocked all photos she may be tagged in.

 

i guess to some extent she might wonder why, and id probably feel crap for doing it. but the reason i feel i can't remove her isn't due to being afraid what she will think, its because then she is totally gone from my life and I'm gone from hers, i have no way in which i can talk to her, and i am scared of becoming a complete and utter stranger.

 

when i talk to her on the 2 occasions that i have, we have had a good conversation, she seems happy as always and is interested in asking me about uni and what else I've been up to, and i give off the impression i am fine and doing well etc and let her know. i don't tend to ask her too much about the travelling.

 

i told her how i was hungover etc and she would be like yeah i know how you feel, been on a 30 hour coach trip hanging. (obviously partying hard)

 

i have thought that maybe she donated due to feeling guilty about that whole situation, at the time she never asked how i was or how my nan was. when i broke nc after the first initial 7 weeks of nc she said she was sorry hadn't talked and that i could still call her, she was sorry to hear about my nan, wondered why i hadn't told her, she said she did care and that she hadn't seen my fb wall.

 

either way it annoys me because she could have spoke to me within 7 weeks, doesn't matter how busy you are. she knew the situation. but i have let that go now, i can't hold that against her as a reason to delete her from my fb or to hold onto an angry emotion.

 

so the second option...

 

breaking nc i have no problem with really, as i have done it before. it would be nice if she actually spoke to me first on fb chat as apposed to me being the one to say hello every time. grr. but then she does talk to me if i talk to her.. so :S

 

if i didn't tell her with the main motive of hoping for her to feel the same or to get her back then it would almost be pointless saying anything.

 

 

i read this >

 

"If you call up your ex out of the blue and tell him or her that you've been thinking non-stop about them and miss them like crazy, that may actually make them feel very uncomfortable. Not everyone reacts the same way to a break up and even though you suspect that your ex misses you too, you should never make that type of assumption.

 

A much safer approach to take if you want to reconnect with your ex is to call them up just to touch base. Tell them that you wanted to see how things were going with them. Be friendly and kind on the phone. Don't talk about the break up at all. Instead, focus on the here and now. If they ask, share what's going on in your own life. Sound positive and help them see that you're doing okay.

 

You have to be in a good and strong place emotionally if you hope to get your ex interested in you again. You can do that by talking with them without breaking down. Your maturity and emotional stability is what will draw them back in again.

 

A good rule of thumb to follow when you're on a quest to reunite with a lost love is let them set the pace. Initiate contact yourself first and then allow them to react. When your ex does tell you that they miss you, that's your cue to share the same with them. By doing it this way you're ensuring that they won't feel any pressure from you and they'll be in the same place emotionally as you are before you pour your heart out to them"

 

Thing is, you cleared your emotional burden by telling that person, although you didn't get the response you wished for afterwards did it make it easier to move on without them? or did it make it worse.

 

this is the issue isn't it, she is travelling having the time of her life, she isn't going to be like yeah actually lets get back together now, see u in 5 months. its not realistic at all. this is why i feel the best chance i have at something would be to at least wait until she is back to tell her my feelings.

 

catch 22, by then it will most likely be too late. she would have totally moved on if i go into NC to try and heal... all the while it enables her to forget me, and no doubt that will be very very easy. she isn't in this country, most of her days will be filled with adventures, she isn't hanging around the town we both met at, therefore her thinking about me will be slim to none. so then that leaves me with the option of occasionally saying hello having a little chat and keeping in touch like that, again leaves me holding on... for no guarantee that actually we will be together down the line..

 

and yeah she hasn't given any clues about reconciliation or that she regrets it etc, the only thing she has done is donate £10 to the charity for me without me informing her about it, and also talking to me in a happy upbeat way when ever we have had a little chat/catch up.

 

i am clearly avoiding making a split decision due to what either could mean. and like i said, logically/rationally it would be best to play it cool and just wait. but trying to fend back your true emotional side is causing all sorts of turmoil for me. . . and logically she isn't coming back to where i am.. she lives 3 hours away, so as someone else said, she would be coming back to her new life. not me.

 

this is why i cannot make a decision. even though i have the power to do so it feels like i am trapped at actually making one. but yeah you hit the nail on the head with the mental torture at wanting to break nc.

 

i know everyone has said i am best to do nc and best to move on, but it feels impossible for me it really does. none of this has been easy and it hasn't got easier.

 

suggestions now?

[karmaqueen]

Hey again,

The last thing you wrote on your post? You said it's not getting any easier. If it really isn't getting easier then you need to change tack ie try going No Contact. Like others have said, it's like you are in limbo. There should be a general trend of getting better, even if it's only a miniscule bit each day. Sorry you are having a tough time but we are all trying to help you.

[Dblock10]

hey again

 

heres the crunch, all this advice is brilliant... if i wanted to get over her and try note "try" and move on.

 

however, I truly fell for this girl and really want her in my life, i can't just go full nc on her. it doesn't feel right to me. and you should never do something if it doesn't feel right.

 

i feel that maybe i should tell her i have thought about her recently. obviously as thieves said, i should tell her how i feel without the objective trying to get her back or to receive similar feelings back, but do it with the intent of doing it for me.

 

well sometimes i feel it does get better then other times feels worse.

 

maybe if you don't know what to do then the best thing is to do nothing at all. and if i want to tell her i still think about her maybe i just should. life is too short anyway. but then that little thing called logic tells me to just wait at least until she is back.

 

i know anything i say won't get her back right now, but would be nice to see if she still thinks about me or what ever, or to see where she is at

 

really don't know. such a tough situation to be in

[Rorschach64]

Dblock,

 

If you really meant something to her then she wouldn't simply forget about you or her feelings for you. Though seriously try that thing you read about, gaining base contact with her and see how that goes for you.

[Dblock10]

hey man that is so true.

 

i have already touched base so to speak with her a few times, she asked how i was doing what had i been up to and i talked to her about current things like how was her diet going etc and she told me how she had been living on noodles etc and how she was hung over and knew how i felt (as i told her i was feeling hungover)

 

then we talked about my sport hobbies etc etc. all in all, good conversation, that was on the 28th oct. she left the conversation saying she had better get on with the day since the sun was out and the beach was calling and that she was going to get tanning.

 

we have both been online once or twice since then but she hasn't said hello.

 

she donated me money for a charity event I'm running, i didn't inform her about it so that was nice.

 

so yeah where to take it now even if i touch base now and again? i know she won't go back with me now since she is travelling, so i need to just have patience and keep it together.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Dblock10