No contact for Dumpee vs No Contact for Dumper

[Glove_slap]

Stole this from another thread but does it go something along the lines of:

 

Dumpee

 

Contact - hurts alot, never gets over them, Dumpee becomes more and more weak.

 

No Contact - Hits rock bottom but heals over time, pain goes away gets stronger day by day, gets over the relationship.

 

notice the reverse effect. Is the same reverse effect that happens to the dumpee happen to the dumper in some cases. Lets see..

 

 

Dumper:

 

Contact - pushes more and more away. Holds all the power, wants the dumpee to give them space.

 

No Contact- Dumper becomes curious over time, Honeymoon phase wears off and the power wears off, becomes weaker. Wants the dumpee back in their life, misses the relationship.

 

 

OR is the Dumper happy that the Dumpee is finally out of their lives? Last Christmas I send my ex and her family an x-mas / new years card after our break up in the summer (we dated for three years and she broke it off and got into another relationship a month later). It's almost been a year and a half since we broke up and about a year with no contact. No word from her, no anything.

[TrueColors]

OR is the Dumper happy that the Dumpee is finally out of their lives? Last Christmas I send my ex and her family an x-mas / new years card after our break up in the summer (we dated for three years and she broke it off and got into another relationship a month later). It's almost been a year and a half since we broke up and about a year with no contact. No word from her, no anything.

 

Even though I'd LIKE to believe that the ex misses me, with all the mistakes I made, I'd say the above is more accurate in my case.

 

But it does very much depend on the person and the circumstances of the break-up.

 

What happened in your case, Glove?

[Rorschach64]

NC enabled by the dumpee and no communication from dumper equals they do not care about you, are happy with their decision, and don't love you. Simple as that.

 

Tsk, f**k my ex-f, I don't care about her.

[LSgirl]

It does depend on the situation. I know my ex still misses me. He sent me a letter in the mail (can read the letter in the 'getting back together' forum) but he didn't want to try it again. They miss you, but sometimes that's not enough for them to reconsider their decision.

 

I, on the other hand, when breaking up with an ex, it was usually because I moved on quickly to someone else (those were my younger days but they were long-term from 1 to 3 years) and could get over it but now that I'm older, I've been single for years. But once I break up with them for good, I don't look back and feel relieved. This is the first time I've been dumped and it's the worst feeling...

[Rorschach64]

LSgirl,

 

Now don't take this the wrong way as I am not insulting you be trying to be critical with that response you gave.

 

First of all how old are you?

 

I won't assume you are a jumper that just ups and leaves without giving the relationship a fighting chance, but what has made you the dumper in all those cases?

 

What was different in the first instance you were dumped and what has it made you realize?

[LSgirl]

Rorschach64-

 

I'm 26 in a couple weeks. Here's my experience as the dumper:

 

First boyfriend (3 years) he cheated, we stayed together even though the last year of it I went to University of Oregon and when I came back I broke up with him. At that time, I met someone and had to choose between the two (cheater begged me, wrote letters, etc..) but I had to give the new guy a chance.

 

Second boyfriend (the guy I left first bf for) (2.3 years) This boyfriend meant the most to me, had plans to move to San Francisco, etc...We had broken up a few times immaturely but got back together. Finally, in the last time I broke up, I assumed we'd get back together, he never caved. Then the tables turned, I begged for him back (then I discovered LoveShack and No Contact). THEN, after I met somebody a month later (the same night I met a new guy was the same place I ran into my ex) He didn't know I met a guy, but seeing me, he texted that night to meet up. Then for a few weeks, he tried to crawl back to me, begged, did everything I pretty much did, but I was over it and gave the new guy a chance.

 

Third boyfriend (new guy I met the night I ran into my ex) this didn't last long as we dated only 2 months. He was too into his schoolwork and problems with his dad, he seemed stressed out and I was always consoling him. Broke up with him when he didn't know how to handle me getting pregnant/abortion.

 

Fourth boyfriend (dated right away and lasted 1.5 years) he was insecure, couldn't keep a job, I paid for everything, he just became a nuisance to be around. I broke up with him and never looked back. I see him sometimes but I feel nothing for him, and even regret wasting my time with this one as I learned nothing from him, I felt like his babysitter. Having no confidence is a huge turn off, should have broke it off long time ago.

 

Then I was single for a couple years (dated nobody, first time I was not in a relationship but I was fine) Then met my recent ex (dated 10 months) and he broke up with me. He was with an ex-fiancee for 8 years, she cheated on him, and me and him met a few months later. He had an emotional wall up the whole time, but we were great together otherwise. But if you go into the "getting back together" forum of LoveShack, you can read the letter he wrote me and how much he messed up wtih my head. I thought he wanted to get back together, but no. So here I am, Day 2 of NC (we broke up Oct 22)

 

All in all, I would never go back to my exes and feel relieved they're all done. But my recent ex, he dumped me, and it cuts like a knife. I know he misses me, but it's not enough to get back with me. This was my healthiest relationship, from the years I was single I learned a lot and grew up, but he just wasn't ready.

[Rorschach64]

So you're about as old as me.

 

Now what made you absolutely HAD to give that second a chance? I've had a girl do that to me and it was one of the most, sorry if I offend, half cocked things I've heard. You probably had deeper reasons than 'just had to give him a chance'....like you weren't happy or secure with the first bf cheating, yes?

 

Seems like you bounded so quickly between each relationship, why was that? I get the sense you want your recent ex back yes? If so why him and not the others?

[yzyzyz325]

I think it depends on how you broke up and if the dumpers would look back. For example, if the dumpee did sth that hurt dumper and made him/her break up, then there is less possibility to get back. Every relationship has its sweet time, if the dumper looks back, surely s/he would miss it.

However, there is difference between guys and girls. Guys usually are more rational and generous, they tend to think questions without letting emotions get involved, and forgive all the bad things happened. Oppositely, girls are less rational and generous, it's not easy for them to forgive or forget the bad things. As time past, the NC will only help their feelings fade and firm their decisions instead of missing the exs

[wilsonx]

NC doesnt matter about who what where why when how. Its for you, not your ex.

 

It doesn't matter dumper/dumpee who is what where why when and how. Do whats good for you.

 

When a relationship is over, its over. The sooner people accept it, grieve it, and stop hoping one day they might come back, the sooner they can move forward with their own lives.

 

Honestly, I envy you that have solid NC from your ex's. You have no concept of how lucky you are.

 

@LSGirl, you need to do some reflecting darling, 8 years of relationships just at 26. When did you stop dating, do you see a pattern? I see one in your stories.

Edited November 9, 2011 by wilsonx

[mike588]

NC doesnt matter about who what where why when how. Its for you, not your ex.

 

It doesn't matter dumper/dumpee who is what where why when and how. Do whats good for you.

 

When a relationship is over, its over. The sooner people accept it, grieve it, and stop hoping one day they might come back, the sooner they can move forward with their own lives.

 

Honestly, I envy you that have solid NC from your ex's. You have no concept of how lucky you are.

 

@LSGirl, you need to do some reflecting darling, 8 years of relationships just at 26. When did you stop dating, do you see a pattern? I see one in your stories.

 

I'm now a firm believer in N.C.,, I'm 3 months into strict N.C., about the same time from being dumped. Yes it's extremely difficult to do and I've been tempted to break it MANY,, MANY times!!!

 

I've come along ways in the healing process,,, not quite 100% healed yet but I'd hate to think where I'd be emotionally if I'd broken it. I gotta be honest,,,, I was getting jealous reading all these threads/posts about people getting breadcrumbs,,, I wanted some soooo bad but now I'm so glad I haven't.

[immitable]

I think it depends on how you broke up and if the dumpers would look back. For example, if the dumpee did sth that hurt dumper and made him/her break up, then there is less possibility to get back. Every relationship has its sweet time, if the dumper looks back, surely s/he would miss it.

However, there is difference between guys and girls. Guys usually are more rational and generous, they tend to think questions without letting emotions get involved, and forgive all the bad things happened. Oppositely, girls are less rational and generous, it's not easy for them to forgive or forget the bad things. As time past, the NC will only help their feelings fade and firm their decisions instead of missing the exs

 

So you are saying that it is impossible to get back your ex gf by the no contact rule basically? Or in other words, it is impossible to get ex girlfriend back, even if she had the gigs, fell out of love etc and not to even mention cheating. They are emotional and their emotions are preventing them seeing what's wrong with the relationship.

It sounds as you are implying that guys should be in touch with their ex gfs in order to get them back-- dosn't that get you quite the opposite effect??

 

See, what about male pride? don't you think that when a man's pride gets hurt by dumping him or even cheating on him are you really saying that he (I am a guy myself) is able to shut off all his emotions and think logically and not to mention be generous???

Don't really think so.

[yzyzyz325]

So you are saying that it is impossible to get back your ex gf by the no contact rule basically? Or in other words, it is impossible to get ex girlfriend back, even if she had the gigs, fell out of love etc and not to even mention cheating. They are emotional and their emotions are preventing them seeing what's wrong with the relationship.

It sounds as you are implying that guys should be in touch with their ex gfs in order to get them back-- dosn't that get you quite the opposite effect??

 

See, what about male pride? don't you think that when a man's pride gets hurt by dumping him or even cheating on him are you really saying that he (I am a guy myself) is able to shut off all his emotions and think logically and not to mention be generous???

Don't really think so.

No, I dont think NC is going to work, because you just pin your hope on the person who dumped you would change her mind in the future. She dumped you for a reason, why do you thk she will change her mind when she knows nothing abt u anymore bcoz of NC. Actually my cousin and her female friends all agree that NC should only be short term. If you really want to get her back, you need to reinitiate contact after NC, otherwise girls would totally lose feelings and think there is no need to give it another try since they are swayed by emotions.

I do believe guys tend to look back more often because guys are much more generous, they are more rational and able to think problems clear. And yes, guys have pride problem, but girls' pride is much much greater than guys'.

[immitable]

No, I dont think NC is going to work, because you just pin your hope on the person who dumped you would change her mind in the future. She dumped you for a reason, why do you thk she will change her mind when she knows nothing abt u anymore bcoz of NC. Actually my cousin and her female friends all agree that NC should only be short term. If you really want to get her back, you need to reinitiate contact after NC, otherwise girls would totally lose feelings and think there is no need to give it another try since they are swayed by emotions.

I do believe guys tend to look back more often because guys are much more generous, they are more rational and able to think problems clear. And yes, guys have pride problem, but girls' pride is much much greater than guys'.

 

i see what you are saying but we are always told that if relationship is ended it is ended for good. There is no possible way of continuing the same relationship at all. The feelings must die out, if you ever want to reconnect in the future these old feelings must be gone (romantic and other feelings like anger guilt etc). This creates a basis on the grounds of jount memories and history together, for a new heathier relationship with the same person if you will. I am not so sure but that is at least what I have been getting from all these postings.

[Rorschach64]

Put it this way with breaking NC....if you said your peace and tried you freakin' best at salvaging the relationship and the other person does not want to budge on their decision then you walk away and start NC. THEN if they are not making ANY attempt to contact you then they do not, I repeat, DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! They are totally happy with their choice. Do you really want to attempt a suicide mission against your ex that tossed you aside? I think not.

 

I know I ran this mind set with my counselor yesterday, he totally agrees with my logic and there is no need to break the silence. It only serves to give all the power to the ex, so you know what...go ahead chase your ex (The Dumper) after you break your silence, let us know how that works for you.

 

If your ex is to contact you later or at all then that is a totally different scenario.

[Bobby289]

Agree with Rorschach, if you say what needs to be said and go NC the power of the dumper has will fade but if you break it you give it all back. The decision is up to them, if they realize this and don't care they won't contact you. If the dumper contacts you then it's another story completely, this could mean various things...

[silly_panda]

NC is really for dumpee to heal and move on... If you are using NC to get your ex back, then going strict NC is not a really good idea... Sometimes dumper (especially those that got into a new relationship soon after) do not think about the dumpee at all...

 

Even their honeymoon phase is over, sometimes they will not miss the dumpee because out of sight, out of mind... And you cannot always expect the dumper should be the first one to contact the dumpee even if the dumper misses the dumpee... I went NC with my ex for 2months and contacted her (she is the dumper and she got into a new relationship shortly after the break up)... After that, only the feeling of losing/breaking up with me really hits her and now she is confused of how she really feels towards me and the new guy...

 

If you are using NC because you just wanna get your ex back, you need to contact them at one point... But I still feel that the best time to contact them back is when you really have moved on... That way, even if you didn't get her back, it's still a win-win situation for you...

[stunned8165]

I have been in no contact period for over a month now. Before that it was low contact via text, e mail that kind of thing. But lo and behold, we ran into each other in traffic Monday. I know it jolted her. And she STILL looks unhappy. We didn't talk, just saw each other there. But me? I just smiled. Now knowing her.. I'm sure she was expecting SOME kind of contact from me about that. But you know what? She's got another thing coming because that text or e mail from me will never come.

[musicSaves12]

NC is great to get over your ex for sure. I was dumped and said my peace about a month and a half ago. One month after I started NC she drunk texted me and apoligized the next day. I kept it cool and kept up NC. Those drunk texted sucked since you can't really react to them even if you want your ex back (in my case, but I'm not waiting around). Just go NC and I guess in a couple months maybe and try and say Hi, who knows what will happen.

[yzyzyz325]

i see what you are saying but we are always told that if relationship is ended it is ended for good. There is no possible way of continuing the same relationship at all. The feelings must die out, if you ever want to reconnect in the future these old feelings must be gone (romantic and other feelings like anger guilt etc). This creates a basis on the grounds of jount memories and history together, for a new heathier relationship with the same person if you will. I am not so sure but that is at least what I have been getting from all these postings.

Sorry, you've lost me. I thought you supported the extreme NC, but now, you seem agree with the idea that NC should be temporary. I think we may have different understanding abt "short term". When I said that, i meant 0.5-1 yr for example.

i dont thk it's good to let feelings die. If they dont have feeling towards you anymore, why shud they get back with u? To them, u r always the same person they broke up with bcoz they dont knw ur changes due to NC. There is no need to give it another try unless they realise they made mistakes by dumping you. You need LC to show your changes and improvements, and alwatys keep urself on her mind. Meanwhile, never push her.

[HonestMan]

I understand you want your X to see how much better you are now

 

But this has to be on his/her terms - only then is it "natural"

 

You should not contact them and tell them how awsome you are- because no matter how true it is you are preaching and that looks BAD

 

 

I can say from experience - NO CONTACT WORKS

 

One month? kindergarden.

3months? grade 1

6months? now you are getting somewhere...

 

You want your X to contact you and ask the questions

 

You dont want to Call and Offer a list of all your improvments

if you do? BACK TO SQUARE ONE

 

 

NO CONTACT!

NO CONTACT!

[flyguy23]

I have been broken up with my ex for like 4 months and she recently contacted me saying she wants me and all that good stuff but hasn't done anything to change our situation. We are now not talking and I feel right back to day 1 of NC. It doesn't really matter if they contact you again, I still feel sad and hurt all over again. Unless they contact you saying I regret what I did and want to work things out. I think its better to stay no contact even if they do contact you first.

Edited November 11, 2011 by flyguy23

[Glove_slap]

Put it this way with breaking NC....if you said your peace and tried you freakin' best at salvaging the relationship and the other person does not want to budge on their decision then you walk away and start NC. THEN if they are not making ANY attempt to contact you then they do not, I repeat, DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! They are totally happy with their choice. Do you really want to attempt a suicide mission against your ex that tossed you aside? I think not.

 

I know I ran this mind set with my counselor yesterday, he totally agrees with my logic and there is no need to break the silence. It only serves to give all the power to the ex, so you know what...go ahead chase your ex (The Dumper) after you break your silence, let us know how that works for you.

 

If your ex is to contact you later or at all then that is a totally different scenario.

 

I agree 100%.

I tried to salvage the relationship but she still kept with the new guy and I couldn't keep putting myself through with the continuous pain of seeing her facebook/twitter updates, she once said she still really cared about me but never did anything to prove it to me, she once said she still wanted me as a friend but how could I be friends with the first girl I've ever loved; I was her first love as well, how could I be friends with the girl I've spent three years with only to watch another older guy in his early twenties that sells drugs take the love of my life away? it's been so long with no contact that I'm not sure she would even recognize me if we walked down the street.

[Rorschach64]

Glove,

 

That's the point...you don't be friends with her. You tell her you deserve freakin' better because you are awesomeness incarinate! You don't want second place with this girl now do you?

 

Being her friend only feeds her and hurts you greatly, you even said so, so don't be her friend. Screw that non-sense.....Honestman has some good points too.

 

I am rolling on 6 months of NC....not a single thing from her, I don't bother nagging at her for my laptop. Did I say nagging? No, it'd be begging her for my stuff back and I don't beg, she has no power over me.

[fenderjames]

Rorch is bang on in the comment re: they don't care ! Nc is brutally hard , but there is a reality that often gets clouded up in all the emotions of the dumpee . That reality is , like Rorch said : they don't care . No one wants to hear that , it sucks , it hurts and it kicks the $^%$ out of self esteem . But if the dumper has not contacted you after you dropped an olive branch - once again they don't care . NC will lead you to acceptance ( diff timeframe for us all ) and acceptance will begin the healing . I'm 3mos in NC - I speak from the heart and from experience . Stay true , be strong as much as you hurt - you are still going ! Thats proof you can do it - all things must pass ( ty George Harrison ) . Cheers all

[Rorschach64]

The 'out of sight, out of mind' point of view.....

 

You haven't seen or heard nothing from your ex for awhile but she/he is still on your mind because you LOVE them still, right?

 

If they had any LOVE for YOU, the dumpee, you don't need to assert your presence in their life, if you had to then that just shows how little you meant to them.