Devastated by ex, started dating someone else.. now he's back?!?!

[chels]

I tried to search this topic but couldn't really find any threads on the subject...

 

Has anyone ever been dumped by a SO and did all the right things to deal with the heartbreak, met someone else and started a new relationship, just to have the ex come back claiming regret and change?

 

This happened to me after my bf of 2 years broke up with me (I was crushed) but after a couple of months I met another guy, we started dating, and he has been great. But then my ex came back, saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and wants to try again.

 

I feel like the "right" thing is to tell him to take his second chance and jump off a cliff, but the problem is that I still have very strong feelings for him, feelings that I don't have for my new bf.

 

Every time I think about telling my ex to get lost, I get choked up like I'm losing him all over again. I wonder if things could work out the second time around, but something (my pride, or maybe my skepticism) keep me from wanting to try again.

 

It's starting to be a real problem because the relationship with the new bf is progressing and it isn't fair to him to allow the ex to linger in the background. It also isn't fair to the ex to string him along if I can't commit to a second chance. I don't want to fully commit to either, hurt either or lose either from my life. Sounds really selfish, I know. But bear with me, I really do care about both of these guys and just want some advice on the best way to handle this.

 

FYI, my relationship with the ex wasn't terrible or abusive or anything, we had a bunch of little problems that escalated and he wanted to call it quits rather than work it out, like I did.

[LSgirl]

Hmm that's a tough one. I dated a guy for over 2 years. He begged for me back after I met someone else. But I never went back to him. The amount of hurt I went through to get over my ex was the worst experience of my life. I still had feelings for him, but after being with the new guy, I was able to move on.

 

However, it's not fair for your new guy to be a in relationship with someone who still has lingering feelings. While I still had feelings and cared for my ex, I knew it wasn't worth going back and stuck with it.

 

I would say give the new guy a chance. It'll give you time to figure out if this new guy is even a better person than your ex (since ur ex gave up on u once) and if it doesn't work out, at least maybe you'll have the option to rekindle your relationship with an ex.

 

But you know yourself the most. If you feel like your feelings are still strong where it will ruin your new relationship, then you shouldn't move forward. I'm not saying to go back to your ex either. I would really think about this one. I don't know your situation with your ex, so I can't give u much advice. I've never looked back at any of my exes and wished I had gone back to them, always moved forward.

[wilsonx]

He wasnt willing to work on the relationship then and in the end hurt you, why would he want to now? Because his plan A fell through. Dont be a door mat. Work on what you have now

[fallenenvy]

Don't give him a chance. I have found that all too often all the reasons that a relationship ended are still there. People have a tendency to idealize their relationships after they are over and overlook bad things that happened and/or why the ended in the first place.

 

I know it hurts but best off leaving the ex be. You said that you arn't feeling the same way about your new guy... but that can be expected. You were with your ex for 2 years which is awhile for a relationship.

 

Give it time with the new guy and see where it goes. Perhaps he isn't the right one for you either but you won't know without giving it a chance. Best to go back to not dealing with your ex and you will get over him (again).

 

From personal experience my ex did this crap with me. Left me.. i started seeing someone.. he decided to "try for a second chance" and it went down in flames.. AGAIN.. and i got to experience the hurt all over again and at double the strength.

 

It isn't necessarily selfish to want to have your cake and eat it to... but it isn't practical. Have to pick one (or possibly neither.. being single can be fun) as you are right it isn't fair to string either along and hover between both.

 

 

Good Luck.

[josem]

I Think it's up you whether you give him a chance or not and give your time to others...but don't be so harsh in deciding just weight thing first before you will decide.

[ChelseaLS]

I think the new guy deserves a fair chance. I would tell your ex to take off... he ended it. However if you feel like you can't be fully invested with the new guy then you need to end. Try to go back to how you felt when your ex and you broke up. Remember that pain and search inside yourself to see if you are willing for him to hurt you all over again...

I believe in taking risks... as long as you are prepared for the hurt to happen ALL over again.

 

Good luck.

[nevadagirl]

Don't do it. Sounds like he's upset you've moved on, and who knows maybe he does still have feelings, but that doesn't mean it's going to last.

 

Take it from experience - my ex devastated me four times (three of those times he came crawling back).

 

Ended badly everytime.

 

The one time I ignored all of his stupid attempts at communication?

 

I get estalked into being forced to see how Great His Life is.

 

People don't change. It's always a power trip.

[ScienceGal]

chels,

 

Your relationship ended for a reason. Remember what that was.

 

Now, picture yourself when you're 60 years old. Which man do you want to wake up next to? Your ex, or the current guy you're seeing? Perhaps neither, maybe there is someone better for you! The point is that you, like me, put a lot of stock in our present emotional feelings. We fly off the cuff and want what we want right now, dammit! Because what we feel right now is the best base off of which we'll make life decisions... right?... right? Sigh. ugh. hmmm. No.

 

It's damn hard to separate yourself from someone you love. You "know" the ex, so you gravitate towards what is familiar to you. You want that touch and that is perfectly normal. But do not think for a second that he is the only one for you. It takes time and patience to find someone else. You were attracted to men before him, and you will be attracted to men again.

 

Bottom line. What is in your best interest long term? You were with him for 2 years. Can you repair what wasn't working? Can you two truly be happy together. Be honest with yourself.

 

Best of luck!

[mike588]

I tried to search this topic but couldn't really find any threads on the subject...

 

Has anyone ever been dumped by a SO and did all the right things to deal with the heartbreak, met someone else and started a new relationship, just to have the ex come back claiming regret and change?

 

This happened to me after my bf of 2 years broke up with me (I was crushed) but after a couple of months I met another guy, we started dating, and he has been great. But then my ex came back, saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and wants to try again.

 

I feel like the "right" thing is to tell him to take his second chance and jump off a cliff, but the problem is that I still have very strong feelings for him, feelings that I don't have for my new bf.

 

Every time I think about telling my ex to get lost, I get choked up like I'm losing him all over again. I wonder if things could work out the second time around, but something (my pride, or maybe my skepticism) keep me from wanting to try again.

 

It's starting to be a real problem because the relationship with the new bf is progressing and it isn't fair to him to allow the ex to linger in the background. It also isn't fair to the ex to string him along if I can't commit to a second chance. I don't want to fully commit to either, hurt either or lose either from my life. Sounds really selfish, I know. But bear with me, I really do care about both of these guys and just want some advice on the best way to handle this.

 

FYI, my relationship with the ex wasn't terrible or abusive or anything, we had a bunch of little problems that escalated and he wanted to call it quits rather than work it out, like I did.

 

I met my now ex. g/f after she broke up with her b/f. after a 1, 1/2 year relationship. I knew she still had feelings for him but she told me she would NEVER GO BACK TO HIM because I did all the right things,,love, attention,sex,caring, etc etc.

 

We dated almost a year then 3 months ago she dumps me to go back to him,,3rd time back to him,,, WTF? Apparnetly there are/were unresolved issues with him,,, as well as you with your ex.

 

Sounds to me your still in love with your ex. and may be useing the new guy to deal with your pain,,,, a rebound. You need to really give this some deep thought!!! If your still not over you ex.,,, your thinking maybe it could work again? then that's so unfair to your new guy and you will never really be able to commit to him,,,, like mine did to me.

 

I paid dearly for loving someone who "still had feelings" for her ex.,,, be very careful!!

[chels]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. There is some really great advice here. When I consider this situation "rationally," all I can see is that my ex has already given up on our relationship once, what would stop him from dumping me again if we go through another rough patch? But at the same time, I have made mistakes and improved myself because of them, and I would disagree with anyone who told me I wasn't worth a second chance.

 

Whenever someone else has considered going back to their ex, I've always advised against it. Move forward, it ended for a reason, etc. It's so different when you're the one dealing with the rekindled emotions and memories.

 

I think I'm starting to get really stressed out about this because I feel like I should have made a decision about this like, yesterday. I worry that I'm making the situation worse for everyone involved by letting it drag on while I "sort out my thoughts"....

 

Thanks again y'all.

[PegNosePete]

I feel sorry for the new guy. He did not ask for or deserve any of this. He has done nothing wrong but is going to be put through the shredder whether you dump him for your ex, or decide not to. Don't say that your current mental state and turmoil is not affecting him because it is. I am sure he knows that something is up and it must be frustrating for him to not know what it is or how to fix it. And even worse, what will happen if he finds out in a year's time that you still had feelings for your ex and said nothing?

 

You should not start a new relationship until you're over your ex. Yes you should have made a decision about it yesterday or even better before dating someone new. And yes the longer you leave it, the worse for everyone involved.

[Cmac]

Seems to me that maybe he doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either. The fact you're with someone else has probably awakened his territorial side and he wants to reclaim what he sees as "his".

[chels]

Hi all.. I just wanted to give an update of what happened in this situation, maybe you'll find it interesting or maybe it'll help someone else someday (there's nothing worse than an unresolved situation when you're seeking relationship advice, yes?!)

 

So, despite all of the warnings I received about going back to the ex, I couldn't fully let go of him again and he wasn't making it any easier- he started laying it on pretty thick, dropping the "marriage" bomb in his heartfelt voicemails, apologizing profusely for all the things we'd fought over in the past, etc. I finally decided to ask him to meet me for dinner, so we could sit down and really try to figure out what we both wanted and, if that went well, how we would go about giving our relationship another chance.

 

(Sidenote: I'm going to try to be as objective as possible about all of this, but to be honest, I'm still pretty floored by what happened and it's hard not to let myself get a little biased. But I swear I am doing my best to give the most accurate summary I can!)

 

Anyway, dinner was nice, we were laughing and having the old banter and light flirting and whatnot. I finally reminded him that we were meeting for a specific reason, and asked him what exactly he envisioned a "second chance" for him and I would be like. We talked for awhile and he was being pretty open and sincere. For every concern I brought up, he batted it away with all of the sweetness and romanticism that I fell for so long ago.

 

So by the time our waitress cleared our table I was feeling pretty good about the idea of being in a relationship with him again, and I decided to tell him so. I think I said something like, "I believe there's a reason we're sitting here today, together, after all that's happened, and still have such strong feelings for each other. I'm ready to give us another try." That's when it was literally- BOOM- I could SEE the lights go off in his eyes. He immediately started backpedaling, and suddenly I was the one being interrogated. Some of my favorite gems were "What do you mean by 'us'?" and "Does that mean you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend now? I'm not sure I'm ready for that." He even tried to blame his reluctance on ME, saying that I had hurt him really badly by dating someone else after we'd broken up and he "needed more time to get over it." According to him, he'd only had "shallow and meaningless relationships" (I I took that to mean, "as much sex from strangers as I could get") since we'd broken up, so apparently I had committed some horrible betrayal by meeting a guy I liked and starting a real relationship. All of a sudden I was trying to defend myself against all of these imagined atrocities against him, and even worse, it became ME who was trying to convince HIM to give our relationship a second chance! It was the strangest turn of events I'd ever experienced, and it made me so confused that my head was literally dizzy and SPINNING for days afterward.

 

So, yeah, the dinner ended awkwardly, and I wasn't at all surprised when the ex spent the next week avoiding me and making up excuses why he couldn't talk to me. It wasn't shocking at all, because he'd always done that when an issue became too "serious" or "complicated" for him, but it DID hurt like hell; I felt just as bad as I did the first time he'd dumped me, but this time I was also kicking myself for being the idiot who fell for his commitmentphobia and empty promises all over again. Eventually he started contacting me again about a week and a half after the dinner, mostly to text me stupid, meaningless crap like "Did you see how bad traffic was this morning?!" As if the serious discussion we'd had just disappeared into thin air. I tried to be polite and put up with his small talk for a few days, but I finally got so frustrated and angry that I went off on him and told him to go away and leave me alone. I kinda came at him out of left field and said some pretty harsh stuff, and I think he called me a psycho b-tch at one point, but I could just FEEL myself starting to fall back into that old, over-obsessing, insecure place that I struggled with for so long because of him. He does this super-manipulative, commitment-phobic double-talk that gets in my head and affects me really badly, and getting away from that is waaaay more important than his opinion of me.

 

Sooo... yeah. When I posted the original question, I got such fantastic feedback with the same underlying precaution: "be careful about going back to him." I guess I just had to see for myself. Anyway, we can officially chalk this one up as the one-hundredth-billionth example of why going back to an ex is BAD NEWS!

Also, anyone wanna help over-analyze why this dude would put so much time and effort into winning over his ex-gf, just to end up avoiding her and calling her a psycho ANYWAY? Seriously, the ol' "guys love the chase" just isn't a satisfying enough explanation for me in this situation!

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he had quite strong feelings of jealousy and didn't want someone else to have you. He verified that he could have you if he wanted you and that you still felt stronger for him than you felt for this other guy. As a bonus he probably ended your chances with this other guy as I'm sure you informed him that you wanted to try again with your ex.

 

Seems like all of his goals were accomplished by then and after he verified such things he was able to easily flip things around and bail. Do not fall for this again as he has not matured.

[stillafool]

So now that you know you are still in love with your ex are you going to break it off with the new guy? I really do feel sorry for him.

[chels]

I'm not still in love with my ex, but he did manage to stir up some sentimental feelings in me and he did put in quite a bit of effort into convincing me we should try again.

 

The fact that he lost interest in a relationship with me the moment he thought he "had" me just proves all of the things I was worried about- that he is too immature, that he was just making grand promises because he was jealous/wanted to "win", that he doesn't even know what HE wants in the first place. I admit that it hurt to see him lose interest in me the moment I gave in, but I got it over it quickly and now I know more than ever that he is very, very wrong for me.

 

As for the new guy (Tom,) I had no idea what was going to happen with the ex so I did not end it with him, or give him details (though I did tell him I was still in contact with my ex, when we first started dating.) We'd never spoken about being exclusive or committed so I didn't feel I needed to end it with him because I went to dinner with my ex, do you agree? Tom and I haven't seen each other much lately because we've both been out of town for the holidays, but we are still in touch and I'd like to see him again soon.

[lalalandman]

Could have seen that coming. This is the reason you shouldn't get involved in new relationships and become emotionally involved with other people until you've healed and moved on. If you still have feelings for your EX, then the new relationship is indeed a REBOUND. They RARELY work out. Light dating is OK, but beyond that, no. So, your EX is insecure. Extremely. I wouldn't worry about him. Let him go on his way. As for the new guy, well, I think you know what needs to be done. Do it soon.

[wilsonx]

Chels,

 

Ok very important question, how long have you been broken up for?

[chels]

We've been broken up for a total of 6 months or so. But he started contacting me and asking to get back together about 4 months ago, and I finally told him to leave me alone a few weeks ago, so it's been a pretty ongoing thing.

[Philosoraptor]

We've been broken up for a total of 6 months or so. But he started contacting me and asking to get back together about 4 months ago, and I finally told him to leave me alone a few weeks ago, so it's been a pretty ongoing thing.

So he chased you for months and when you finally gave in he lost interest?

[M2155]

So he chased you for months and when you finally gave in he lost interest?

 

I was thinking this too. I didn't know enough about your story but probably would have leaned toward telling the ex to get lost if you had something promising in front of you. I think second chances can work but throwing out the marriage bomb as you nicely put it before even meeting with me is hot air and trying too hard. Even if it could have had a chance, you probably were a little too serious too immediately instead of letting him "win" a real second chance (I'm now a believer in the value of the chase). That said, I would guess he probably did want to have some sort of realtionship with you but only until something else came along. But hey, at least now you know!

 

Personally if you and Tom were not exclusive or serious, I don't think you were in the wrong. I just hope you can clear your head and heart emotionally before getting involved.

[BoredAgain]

Also, anyone wanna help over-analyze why this dude would put so much time and effort into winning over his ex-gf, just to end up avoiding her and calling her a psycho ANYWAY?

 

To boost his own ego. Probably not consciously, of course, but as you said, "he doesn't even know what HE wants in the first place." Confused people often do harmful things.

[wilsonx]

hes not ready at all, just go back to NC and keep chugging forward with your healing, boredagain is right, hes confused

[Million.to.1]

As a bonus he probably ended your chances with this other guy as I'm sure you informed him that you wanted to try again with your ex.

 

 

I really hope you did inform him... it might not have ruined your chances completly, but honest communication is what is needed here for everyone's sake.

 

You made a lucky escape with you ex. Thanks so much for the story... It's golden.

[Pens55]

I'd really like to applaud you for being so considerate of your new bf's feelings - in that you understand that it would not be fair to him if you had doubts.

 

Thank you for giving me some hope that humanity isnt totally horrible