Lilmisus Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Tonight, as my boyfriend was leaving my parent's house, he accidentally ran into my dad's car making the bumper fall right off and leaving a nice dent in it. His SUV had no damage to it surprisingly, but not surprising to me, my dad wasn't worried at all about it but my boyfriend was pretty much freaking out and apologizing profusely. The thing is, my boyfriend wants and is planning on paying for it in the morning when my dad is going to get it fixed. My dad told him that it's no big deal and said he's got it covered (my parents are somewhat rich), and to not worry about it. Even when he went back inside, my boyfriend was telling me that he was definitely going to pay for it and said there's nothing we could say to change his mind. My boyfriend and I work at the same job (we're both servers there) and I've actually have been working more than him yet I still don't make enough money a week to pay for everything. With him..he's enlisted in the Marines as well so he gets some extra money but that goes to his son and other bills. I know he has only $50 to his name right now yet he's set on paying for it...says he wont feel right regardless. I told him that since they won't let him pay and since he wont feel right if he doesn't...to offer to do yard work around the house or help my parents out some way since they don't have my brother's around anymore to do the chores. He just brushed this idea away and told me to drop the subject, but I'm just wondering what else I can say or do to help change his already set mind? Or to change my parent's minds even though I think they're wonderful in not freaking out about it and making him pay? Right now things are very awkward for him and I and he's still shaken up...so if I say or do anything it probably wont be till the morning. What do y'all suggest I do to offer my 2 cents or to help?
D-Lish Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Lis, I was dating my exH 2 months when I allowed him to drive "my" car that my dad actually owned and had bought for me to use while In University. We had an accident one day while he was driving and it caused a lot of damage. A year later he totalled the same car and it had to be written off. Cost my dad extra in insurance, my bf also felt bad- but you know your parents better than anyone... Just reassure your bf that mistakes happen and that your parents are pretty cool people that understand things like this happen. If your parents are anything like mine- Their main concern is for the safety of you and the guy you love. A car is just a car, a bumper can be replaced- you or your bf cannot be replaced. My parents have money as well, they are also laid back and very cool. Just reassure your man he hasn't messed anything up or compromised his relationship with your parents. Suggest taking your parents out for dinner or something- his treat. If your parents are anything like my parents, they will appreciate the gesture (yet not require it) and think even more of him.
Niagara Falls Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 make him do work for your parents, dont just let him brush it off like that. if he really feels that bad that he will pay for the damages to a wealthy family when he has no money himself, he should feel bad enough to make up for it in ways that actually make a difference to your parents. explain that to him, if he brushes it off again, he obviously doesnt feel that bad and is just trying to make it look like he does
Author Lilmisus Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks you guys for the suggestions I talked to my mom about what to do, and what she thought would be a good form of payment, and at first she told me that though my boyfriend would feel bad for not paying for it, my dad would feel worse knowing he was taking the last of his money for an easily fixable accident. She liked my idea of him helping out around the house since my dad is doing renovations and could use all the help he can get, and told me to tell him to talk to my dad about ways that he could use him. Said that that would be much more appreciated than money that he wouldn't feel right taking. D-lish - my boyfriend actually is planning on making them dinner soon since he loves cooking, so I think the mixture of the two (him helping out and cooking for them) would be a wonderful way to make him feel better about not paying. But you're very right..that's exactly how my parents are, but thankfully, he was just pulling out of the driveway and it was just that he hit the gas rather than the brake that made him hit the car. Now the only issue is talking to him about this and him realizing that gestures are more appreciated than money...
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Don't approach him anymore, let it go. In the meantime, talk to your parents, your dad especially and let HIM talk to your boyfriend. "Instead of paying for the damage to the car, I have idea. I own you for a month or so, to help do renovations." This could work if worded and handled properly to your boyfriend. But, you need to let your dad talk to him.
carhill Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 A man doesn't get to be rich or get to be a Marine without the skills to work things out with another man. Leave them to it. It'll work out
Emilia Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Right now things are very awkward for him and I and he's still shaken up...so if I say or do anything it probably wont be till the morning. What do y'all suggest I do to offer my 2 cents or to help? Tell him it's 100% up to him how he wants to handle it and that if he has to work extra hours you will look after him and support him with love and care. He is a proud man, you have to respect that and leave that be.
Author Lilmisus Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Y'all were right, thank you. But there's a problem... The car has come to $695 to repair, since it wasn't as easy of a fix as my parents and I hoped it would be. Without knowing this, my boyfriend decided to try to play it cool by just buying my dad his favorite candy and got him a card, and put it into the Tupperware container that he borrowed from us. He handed it to me and told me to just put it inside so my dad would see it. Without telling me though (until that night when he asked me to come over), he taped $300 from his savings account to the top of the container, which I didn't see since it was well hidden. After I dropped that off, I called my mother and she told me how much it would cost to replace it and said that my dad liked the idea of my boyfriend helping out and thought he could do that, but she didn't want me to say anything to my boyfriend about the cost or even bring it up, so I didn't. Even when he told me that night that he left the money for my parents I didn't say anything about the damage that was done. Today, when I came over to my parent's house, my father told me he saw the "peace offering" but they apparently didn't see the money until I told them about it. They said that there was still that four hundred that they have to rake up, and he doesn't want to take my boyfriend's money, so he said that he could do some sanding and polyurethane some boards to help work it off and pay for the entire thing (Letting him keep the $300 he gave them). I texted this to my boyfriend (my parents wanted me to), but he has yet to respond, and I'm a little worried about how all this will play out. I told them to talk to each other instead of having me talk between them, but my father said it wasn't that big of a deal...it just needs to be worked off.
rightfield Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Your dad and your b/f need to sit down together and have a beer and work this out. I see an opportunity here for your dad and b/f to get to know one another better and for your b/f to show his good character. In the end, this isn't about the money, and it's possible that the broken bumper could be a blessing. Things like this build trust between men.
Author Lilmisus Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Your dad and your b/f need to sit down together and have a beer and work this out. I see an opportunity here for your dad and b/f to get to know one another better and for your b/f to show his good character. In the end, this isn't about the money, and it's possible that the broken bumper could be a blessing. Things like this build trust between men. Very true, and that's what I'm secretly hoping will happen here, especially if he does end up helping my dad out around the house some. Plus, my dad is trying to help him out and get him a job at a local bank that he has some connections at, so I think all of these things are blessings in disguises. But...my boyfriend is still too shaken up to think of them as so. Isn't this what insurance is for? Yes, but they're trying to not get the insurance companies involved since his (already high) rates will go up if they do.
Emilia Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Texting wasn't a smart thing to do. Your father and bf have to sit down and talk
zengirl Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 A man doesn't get to be rich or get to be a Marine without the skills to work things out with another man. Leave them to it. It'll work out This was my thought as well. It sounds like you have nice parents and a responsible BF. It's good he wants to pay for it and nice they let him off the hook.
oaks Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Yes, but they're trying to not get the insurance companies involved since his (already high) rates will go up if they do. Insurance is crazy! We have these high premiums to cover the risk and then we don't want to claim for the service we're already paying for! Your bf has my sympathy on that. Best thing you can do is not get in the middle. They'll either end up with a new respect for each other or they'll fall out, and if you're in the middle you'll prevent the first one from happening and end up falling out with both your father and your bf in the second scenario. Get them in a room with lots of beer and then go out for several hours!
RiverRunning Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I think it was a bad idea to mention the idea of your boyfriend doing something around the house when, judging by your posts, he's never offered to do that and it was entirely your idea. In fact, it seems your boyfriend is actually balking at the idea and he doesn't want to go through with it. But now you've planted it in your parents' heads. It's one thing to suggest it to your boyfriend, but to in turn deliver that idea to your parents is another. I hope you followed it up with something like, "But I'll have to talk to him first and see what he thinks." The next time either party asks you about it, say: "That's for you guys to work out." Let your boyfriend know that it's on him to set up a time to talk to your dad about how he hopes to negotiate what's happened. $700, even for the wealthier among us, is not chump change.
Author Lilmisus Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I think it was a bad idea to mention the idea of your boyfriend doing something around the house when, judging by your posts, he's never offered to do that and it was entirely your idea. In fact, it seems your boyfriend is actually balking at the idea and he doesn't want to go through with it. But now you've planted it in your parents' heads. It's one thing to suggest it to your boyfriend, but to in turn deliver that idea to your parents is another. I hope you followed it up with something like, "But I'll have to talk to him first and see what he thinks." The next time either party asks you about it, say: "That's for you guys to work out." Let your boyfriend know that it's on him to set up a time to talk to your dad about how he hopes to negotiate what's happened. $700, even for the wealthier among us, is not chump change. You're right, it was my idea and I do feel bad for suggesting it to both parties when he wasn't too thrilled about the idea. I'm honestly not sure why he isn't, other than he may not feel comfortable working alongside or for my dad. But he's big on renovating himself, and he's had several sit down talks with my dad over the past couple months so I don't think it's that he feels uncomfortable with him. But I do really wish that I kept my ideas to myself or talked to my parents or him first before talking to the other party about it. I'm still trying to encourage him to talk to my parents. Right now he's in class so he's not able to do so. I'm going to try to not bring it up to him again (only brought it up after he did today), to keep him from feeling completely uneasy about the whole thing. Oh and Oaks, my dad isn't a big drinker Though I do think they need to leave it between them at this point, since you make a great point.
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I texted this to my boyfriend (my parents wanted me to), but he has yet to respond, and I'm a little worried about how all this will play out. I told them to talk to each other instead of having me talk between them, but my father said it wasn't that big of a deal...it just needs to be worked off. Your dad should call him and discuss the 'work project' he needs help with not ask you to ask/tell your bf. It's putting you in the middle and being the middle man kind of sucks.
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