Am I being insecure? This giver thinks I might be. thoughts?

[jackmerridew]

I read this article online that gives some great advice on insecurity.

 

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/

 

The author seemed like a very positive person, so I wanted to get his take on my situation. The first is my post, and the second is his response.

 

Do you guys think I need to relax? Or is this a red flag that I'm choosing to ignore or justify away?

 

--

 

This is an amazing article, just by the content alone, but also the fact that the author continues to comment a year afterward!

 

Mr. Tyrell, I'm hoping you can help me figure out this situation.

 

This girl I've been dating for four months, we say we love each other, although we are considered only "dating exclusively," and not "boyfriend/girlfriend." That is her decision, I'm the one that wants the official status.

 

Anyway, she was divorced two years ago because she found out her husband was gay. Shortly after the divorce, she met a fellow who befriended her, and eventually fell in love with her. He has been through a lot with her over the past two years, and he has helped out with marketing her small business in the past two years, all pro bono work.

 

She insists that they never dated, but he has called her his girlfriend before. She says that is not her doing, and he's just crazy and that they could never get along as a couple.

 

Fast forward to today, I'm dating her now, we spent most nights out of the week together. And the two of them still hang out, and also meet for work. He continues to send her love texts and cards.

 

I put up with this for about three months, because I wanted to be patient and see how the situation evolves. Through it all, her and I grew closer, but she still sees the guy, although to a lesser extent.

 

After three months, I started to express my discomfort to the situation. She continues to insist that she's not attracted, and that I'm the only one, yet she is coy about the time her and the other guy spend together. When all three of us are at the same party, she tells him to leave and he does.

 

Every time they are together, I grow incredibly insecure and worried, to the point where many of the other posters describe (i.e. not eating, obsessing).

 

This isn't healthy for me, and I want to know whether I'm being irrational in this insecurity. She says she loves me, that I should trust her, and that she cares for this guy, but doesn't want to be with him.

 

I've been trying to be calm, but there have been fights where I nearly lose my cool. I don't want this to eat me up. What should I do?

 

If you don't respond, that's OK. This article is helpful regardless, and writing this out has been somewhat therapeutic. Thank you for some brilliant words.

 

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Hello Jack

 

So she knew this guy before she knew you? It sounds like she has some sense of friendship loyalty toward him (and he did help her with her business). The fact that she doesn't just ditch a friend or acquaintance when she meets a "relationship man" might actually reflect well on her as a person. Of course from the outside it's impossible for me to know the inner workings of this situation exactly. But it might be a good idea to ask yourself what she is like. Is she friendly? Does she seem loyal to her friends and have friendships with men? Her husband was gay you say. Perhaps she had a good friendship with him. Maybe she's the type of woman who does have platonic friendships with men. The point is we all have different expectations from ourselves, others and our relationships produced by our experiences and conditioning in life. Some people do have friendships with the opposite sex and see it as just that whereas others of us are suspicious of all such cross gender friendships assuming their must be more to it than that. Other people don't know the script we've written for them. She is seeing him less and it doesn't sound like she actively encourages him or is flirtatious with him. If she is loyal in a friendship way to him then, as I say, that actually could be an excellent quality in her. I know it's difficult but I think you need to relax as much as possible if she is carrying on with this

guy it will come out at some point. She hasn't yet committed to the

official status of "girlfriend" with you. Have you asked her why?

Perhaps she fears you can be a little controlling. Who knows? I'm not

saying you are but insecurity often comes across like that to others. I

can totally understand why you've been feeling insecure about this and

don't feel it's unnatural but as I say, look at what type of person she

is-and if she is the type to have friendships and be loyal to her

friends then I think the answer to the mystery of whether there is

anything more from her point of view in this friendship is plain to see.

 

But my instinct is that she is being honest with you. I could be wrong

of course.

 

I wish you all the best

 

Mark

[jackmerridew]

And I meant to say advice giver, but the forum's flagging method removed the word.

[Space Ritual]

Anything could be possible but the more I read this it sounds like your GF is a cake eater.

 

She needed that help from him. He may have done pro bono work monetarily, but you have to understand that any free work does not usually translate into calling somebody your GF. I hate to tell you but she may have been paying him in other ways. I mean her reluctance to end the friendship could mean either he is a really good friend or she has something hanging over her head that she knows if she kicks him to the curb is going to come out.....very few men would put in so much "pro Bono" work without getting a Blowjob at the very least. sad but true....

 

she does not want that "exclusive" tag for a reason....

 

Look, you only have 4 months put in with this woman. That is really very little time unless you are in Junior High...

 

all this drama in 4 months? sorry bro.....move on down the road...nothing good is going to come of a 3 person relationship...which is what you have. and unless you are going to fork over a bunch of money to buy her love, I think you will be taking a back seat...

[RiverRunning]

HUGE red flags here. She asks him to leave when you're all present at the same party? Unless she knows you're likely to confront him or something, that seems very strange if they're just 'friends' - after all, if it were just a friendly situation, it would be fine?

 

What's troubling is he calls her his 'girlfriend' and sends her love notes and all...and apparently she is doing nothing to discourage this. I can tell you from experience, as I've been the woman on the receiving end of this affection before. I didn't want it and I didn't want to be with him. But there was so much missing in my relationship that I liked how much attention he paid me, and I liked the way he complimented me so freely and boosted me up. But eventually that has to come to an end, especially if you respect and care about your boyfriend.

 

My feeling is that you need a serious talk with your pseudo-girlfriend. At the very least, she needs to talk with him and let him know that all of the lovey-dovey crap stops. If she's not willing to do that, my feeling is it's time for you to bail.