Paranoid over new relationship due to past experience

[shakedown]

Hi all,

 

First post here as I don't know where to go with this, happy there are forums. Would really appreciate some help here.

 

I'm feeling really bad as I am getting paranoid about my current relationship due to having bad past experiences, which I hope some of you can understand.

 

In my last relationship, which lasted three years, I discovered that my SO at the time had been cheating on me for at least 2 of the three years we had been together. I was devastated and broke up with him. Now a year later I am with a wonderful guy, and have been together for over three months, after knowing each other for about 9 months. Things are great, he's 26, which makes him six years older than me, and I feel very happy and in love with him. I know all his friends, his family, and am very comfortable

 

I feel very guilty when I get paranoid as I do trust him, also, he has also had the same situation with his ex SO so know how it feels. I also feel that I do not want to appear immature to him in my feelings as i am younger.

 

But I just can't help getting paranoid about this one girl. Excuse my paranoid rant from here on, i'm just getting stressed. He goes to a lot of music events as it's his big thing in life, and he always goes with this one girl, about two or three times a week. He doesn't say that she goes with him but she's always on the facebook events list as I think she works for the company that organise these gigs. She calls and texts him constantly throughout the day (I haven't, and wouldn't ever snoop on his phone but I do notice that she texts/calls him a lot when we are together). She's always commenting on his facebook wall, I can't see hers so I don't know if he's doing the same on hers.

 

Also, he was on facebook at my house the other day and got a message from her and wouldn't look at it while i was sitting next to him, but as i went out the room, he checked it, and closed it down quickly when i sat next to him, I wasn't sure if i got a bit of a look where it seemed quite flirty.

 

I just feel jealous mostly that they go to these gigs together all week, and spend a lot of time together. I've just moved to the other side of the country for university so maybe the distance is contributing, I wish i could spend as much time with him.

 

I am worried that they will get close as they have a lot of common interests. I have brought up the fact that i get worried he will meet someone that lives closer, but not brought up specifically her, and he said he has met interesting people, but he only has eyes for me, and knows how it feels to be messed about.

 

maybe its just me but i'm getting paranoid and I would feel very immature bringing it up to him as it may seem childish and insecure, or like i'm stalking his facebook page.

I love him and it has been hard letting someone new into my life from my past relationship, I hate that the old stuff is affecting my new relationship.

 

I don't know what to do, can anyone offer advice? Am I just being irrational?

[Space Ritual]

sorry this is happening to you. The whole Facebook thing is a red flag with the waiting for you to walk away to view messages, etc. while FB can be very useful if you are planning events, etc, it is also a great vehicle in which to carry on less than noble activities.

 

I am the type of guy that is pretty absolutist in that I admittedly am the first to give advice usually to dump a person, etc....but I think there may be an easier way to get to the bottom of the friendship here.

 

You say this girl and he are pretty conversational when on FB. a real good way to find out if she has any designs on him would be to send her a Friend request on FB. If she accepts I would be surprised.

Usually people get very lax with their privacy settings unless they are attempting to obfuscate something. If she does accept you will probably be able to gauge more what is going on. I am sure she is too lazy to sit there and delete every comment on her wall your BF has made, so if there is something going on that would be a common place for one of them to screw up.

 

I mean after all, if this friend of his is so awesome, should not there be some attempt on your BF's part to make you friends with her as well? I'd bet not...maybe under the guise of "I want to have my friends..."

 

If he gives you any grief at all about sending her an Friend request I'd be concerned. Any "I have to talk to this person first" or anything like that I think you would have your answer.

 

Also you know it would be a nice thing if he included you in his plans during the week...maybe all 3 of you can go together. If I were you I'd really opush that "if she is so awesome I should get to know her too" angle.

 

His body language along with his answer will tell you all you want to know...if he hangs his head like Hank Hill when Bobby kisses a mannequin head...you know something is up...

 

Normally I am the proponent of Keyloggers, etc. But I think in this case you can find out by giving your Boyfriend just enough rope to hang himself...

 

edited...I see now where distance is a problem.....Ok in that case do the friend request thing first AND try to maker a surprise visit to one of those gigs....

[Sark]

You already have the recipe for disaster. You have a communication problem. You can't tell him when something is bothering you and you are already suspicious. If you can't talk openly about anything, you didn't learn anything from the first time this happened. Its not just about self preservation...

[RiverRunning]

You're 20, so the great thing is that you have plenty of time to continue shopping for men (including at school). You would think given his age (26) that there would be a little more maturity relationship, but this isn't always so. My S/O was 5 years my senior - I was 20 and he was 25. The first two years of our relationship were pretty miserable and it involved me training him A LOT.

 

But I also knew how to openly communicate and how to shut down things that were causing me a lot of grief and a lot of rifts in our relationship. Unfortunately, I think many women are taught to suffer in silence for fear of looking 'insecure' or 'jealous.' But you know what? There is a difference between the woman destroying her boyfriend's stuff because he looked at another girl, and a woman feeling insecure because he seems a little too close to a female friend.

 

I like the idea of trying to friend this girl on Facebook. If they act suspicious, you have your answer, I'd say, and it's not worth investigating anymore. But after that, I would also suggest sitting down with him and sharing the things you've shared here - you didn't snoop so you have nothing to worry about. Let him know that this is making you feel insecure and you're not certain about the amount of time he's spending with this other girl.

 

If your answer from him is, "You're just irrationally jealous," "You make stuff up," "You're just trying to cause trouble," "She doesn't treat me like you treat me," etc., bail. It's over. Not worth going crazy as he tries to convince you that the problem is YOU.

 

I just think there's a proper way to handle these issues. Some of my male friends are in relationships. I'm in a relationship. So, I keep my contact with them minimal, even on-line. We don't talk every single day, we don't talk for hours when we do talk, and I'm not showering their Facebook walls/photos/etc. with comments every time I talk to them. It's just out of respect for their girlfriends - they would be right to be suspicious about one or both of us if I were devoting that much time to someone on Facebook or anywhere, really.

 

If your boyfriend tries to deflect and say it's because of your past, smile cordially and let him know that although that has influenced you, you are speaking directly about events happening in your current relationship and how they are making you feel, and you would prefer it if the past weren't used as an excuse to wash away how you feel about the situation.

 

But my honest advice? You're in school...separated from him...find out what's closer to you.

[ErgoStep]

But I just can't help getting paranoid about this one girl. Excuse my paranoid rant from here on, i'm just getting stressed. He goes to a lot of music events as it's his big thing in life, and he always goes with this one girl, about two or three times a week. He doesn't say that she goes with him but she's always on the facebook events list as I think she works for the company that organise these gigs. She calls and texts him constantly throughout the day (I haven't, and wouldn't ever snoop on his phone but I do notice that she texts/calls him a lot when we are together). She's always commenting on his facebook wall, I can't see hers so I don't know if he's doing the same on hers.

 

It sounds like they are interacting a lot, which build emotional intimacy.

 

If you were in town, I would call him on it directly.

 

Long distance relationships are tough. If you were less serious I might suggest breaking it off and dating someone at university.

 

I have no idea what is best here.