MaryH Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I came acros this article, and it rang so true! Might help some others out there too... http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/runaway-husbands-wife-abandonment-syndrome-2446741.html Edited November 9, 2011 by MaryH
willowthewisp Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 So there are male walkway wives. Yep. Mine (of nearly two decades) never once, NOT ONCE, mentioned any unhappiness. It has taken me over 2 and half years and 10 months of counselling to finally accept that it wasn't my fault. My ex has deep rooted issues of his own and I could not possibly have known he would walk (we had just booked our wedding). It's so cliche, he moved the girlfriend in really quick, turned into some kind of cold, vile and heartless monster. Even though I am still single and struggling to find someone, I would not take him back if he was the last man on the planet.
Lucid1 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Yeah, what is the deal? I had the opposite, a walk-away wife: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm Twenty years of what seemed happiness, then like a light switch was thrown, she turned as distant as Pluto. It's been six or seven months since the divorce was final and she hasn't thawed a bit. I don't even know how that is possible. Are these people who do this, on both sides, somewhat sociopathic? Immature? Unable to confront their own issues until things blow up? Do they have personality disorders? This sure doesn't seem to me to be "normal" behavior. Matter of fact, I'm going to ask my therapist about this next time. I asked her once "Was our family really so dysfunctional that you had to destroy it?" and she had no answer. Whatever the reason, good luck to you.
Author MaryH Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 I suppose it's always more convenient to heap the blame and resentment squarly at the door of the spouse, even if the spouse was totally unaware of 'the years of unhappiness' they made them endure. My husband has changed from a loyal, honest fun guy with bags of integrity to a bitter, angry and dishonest person. And yes, he too took up with his 'new love' as soon as he left me. And completely re-wrote our 12 year history together.... I do wonder though, do they ever change back to the person we knew and loved them to be? Or does that mean having to face their inner truths and admit what they did was just plain despicable?
willowthewisp Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I suppose it's always more convenient to heap the blame and resentment squarly at the door of the spouse, even if the spouse was totally unaware of 'the years of unhappiness' they made them endure. My husband has changed from a loyal, honest fun guy with bags of integrity to a bitter, angry and dishonest person. And yes, he too took up with his 'new love' as soon as he left me. And completely re-wrote our 12 year history together.... I do wonder though, do they ever change back to the person we knew and loved them to be? Or does that mean having to face their inner truths and admit what they did was just plain despicable? According to my counsellor these so called "years of unhappiness" are a self justification for the walk aways behaviour. If your spouse had truely been unhappy for years upon years with you, you would have known things were rocky a long time before they left, whether they said something or not. The reason is that a person cannot "hide" the way they feel on a daily basis for a long period of time. Signs would be apparent, lack of affection, withdrawal, lack of conversation, pulling away from you when you try to be close to them. WHilst it is possible to miss these things for maybe a short period, a prolonged period of unhappiness leading to the breakdown of a long term relationship would be very much evident. WIll they ever change back? Well, my counsellor compared the behaviour to a death. Sometimes when people lose someone they love, they do not go through through the grieving process, they avoid it. Eventually, they have no choice but to face it because denial cannot last forever. The fact your husband has gone right into the arms of another just suggests that he has choosen to avoid the loss of you, the loss of his relationship with you, even though it was his choice, one day it WILL hit him like a ton of bricks and when it does it will be as if it has happened that very morning. My counsellor told me not to be surprised if some time down the road, maybe even 20 years or so, my ex contacts me because it has hit him what he has done. All the pain and grief that you now feel will come to them too, eventually. Very wise man my counsellor, with over 40 years experience. If you haven't had therapy I would highly recommend it, it did wonders for me.
findingnemo Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Interesting. Now I have a name to call the phenomenon. I can identify with the feelings of a walkaway wife. After trying to talk and discuss our issues to no avail, I simply shut down. It was his way and no other. I was afraid of leaving because I didn't think people would find my reasons convincing. In my mind, the "annual" beatings (only two, we'd been married two years) were not something I wanted to publicize. The constant threat of violence when we disagreed and the abject discomfort I felt when I heard H's car at our gate was like living in a prison. I was determined however to live in quiet desperation because I wanted the kids to have both parents like I did. I found some comfort in other activities and my friends. Unfortunately, there was a voice in my head that was loud and clear at night and early every morning when I woke up. I used to hear it ask how long I could handle it, why this was happening to me and how the hell I got to that place. I never got to the point of making an exit plan. That was because of the last and final episode of violence which was an escalation like I had never imagined. To me it was my chance to leave and with good reason. Had it not been for that, I probably would have stayed to this day. I probably would have become a walkaway wife.
robf1971 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 All the pain and grief that you now feel will come to them too, eventually. Yep, it's like a crdit card bill, it's gonna catch up with him at some point. Probably when you couldn't care less either way.
Author MaryH Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Yep, it's like a crdit card bill, it's gonna catch up with him at some point. Probably when you couldn't care less either way. Are you speaking from experience?
Steadfast Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I'm not buying it. Well, the sudden part anyway...I think it's only sudden to the betrayed spouse. But there are some interesting variables to consider. A couple years back, I ran across a letter my ex typed to her out-of-state sister. Reading it took me back to what I remember about her and our marriage. She cared. She spoke in terms of family, and in the context of our life together. Nothing like the stuff she was spewing just weeks later! It reminded me of when things were 'normal' Now, I'm not sure if anything ever was...but isn't that part of the challenge? Coming to grips with that? I have nothing to base my speculation on but a well researched hunch, but there seems to be a rough pattern to the walk-away. Spoiled or overly coddled by parents, quick tempered, very attractive, generally selfish or any combination of the above. My theory involves the walk-away keeping the option (to leave) 'in their pocket' throughout the relationship, then pulling the wild card if or when an interesting enough opportunity presents itself. Until then, they'll keep it buried...and well out of sight. Most interesting about this article is the writer's amazement concerning the consistency of actions during betrayal. Remember that when someone pulls the "You don't understand! Everyone's different!" line. They aren't.
Author MaryH Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Yeah, what is the deal? I had the opposite, a walk-away wife: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm Twenty years of what seemed happiness, then like a light switch was thrown, she turned as distant as Pluto. It's been six or seven months since the divorce was final and she hasn't thawed a bit. I don't even know how that is possible. Are these people who do this, on both sides, somewhat sociopathic? Immature? Unable to confront their own issues until things blow up? Do they have personality disorders? This sure doesn't seem to me to be "normal" behavior. Matter of fact, I'm going to ask my therapist about this next time. I asked her once "Was our family really so dysfunctional that you had to destroy it?" and she had no answer. Whatever the reason, good luck to you. Post your therapist's opinion if you can, it will be interesting to hear what another professional has to say on this. Thank you.
willowthewisp Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Interesting. Now I have a name to call the phenomenon. I can identify with the feelings of a walkaway wife. After trying to talk and discuss our issues to no avail, I simply shut down. It was his way and no other. I was afraid of leaving because I didn't think people would find my reasons convincing. In my mind, the "annual" beatings (only two, we'd been married two years) were not something I wanted to publicize. The constant threat of violence when we disagreed and the abject discomfort I felt when I heard H's car at our gate was like living in a prison. I was determined however to live in quiet desperation because I wanted the kids to have both parents like I did. I found some comfort in other activities and my friends. Unfortunately, there was a voice in my head that was loud and clear at night and early every morning when I woke up. I used to hear it ask how long I could handle it, why this was happening to me and how the hell I got to that place. I never got to the point of making an exit plan. That was because of the last and final episode of violence which was an escalation like I had never imagined. To me it was my chance to leave and with good reason. Had it not been for that, I probably would have stayed to this day. I probably would have become a walkaway wife. You aren't a walkaway, violence is a very real reason to leave without discussing anything. A walkaway walks for petty reasons, things that can be easily resolved if they had bothered to raise them, but they never did. Seriously, they never did.
AlexisMacabre Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 i am going through this right now, he threw me out and left me with nothing, doesnt even ask about our son or anything and he has asked his new GF to bring her 2 kids with her and move in with him and that he would help her take care of them and he cant even take care of his own son. im so devastated.
findingnemo Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 You aren't a walkaway, violence is a very real reason to leave without discussing anything. A walkaway walks for petty reasons, things that can be easily resolved if they had bothered to raise them, but they never did. Seriously, they never did. Oh! Isn't it funny how we read about something, a few things ring true for us and suddenly we identify with the person? In this case, I totally missed the part about walkaway spouse having petty reasons. Interesting! Thanks for pointing that out. I guess subconsciously I've been thinking that some gossips in town (chief of them being stbxh) were right in saying I'd abandoned ship.
seibert253 Posted November 12, 2011 Posted November 12, 2011 With Walk Away Wives, or Husbands, it all stems from one trait; selfishness.
Lucid1 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 MaryH, I did ask him. Got two interesting answers. First, he thought that while it seemed sudden and abrupt to me, for her it was a very gradual thing. Her resentment built for whatever reasons until it boiled over. Ok, I can believe that. I sure didn't see the slightest sign of it at the time, but now, looking back, I think I can. Second, he thinks she could, and should, have handled it better. He thinks, and this hurts, that if we'd gotten help sooner we probably could have saved the marriage. That if she had communicated her unhappiness sooner, and if I had been responsive enough, things could have gone differently. Sigh.
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