Staying out all night?

[calblondie]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to this forum and figured it was the perfect place for me to pose my question. Thanks in advance for reading...

 

I am 38. I am currently in a relationship with a 30 year old man; we've known each other for 1 1/2 years and moved in together about 6 months ago. We each have a son from our previous marriages, both of whom live with us part-time. We do not have children together, nor do we plan to. Eventually I would like to get married again.

 

I was hoping that I could get a perspective from both men and women on what to do in my situation.

 

My boyfriend stayed out until 5AM this morning at a casino. He does this often - usually about once a week or every other week. Sometimes he is at a casino, sometimes he is out drinking with friends and doesn't want to drive home drunk so he sleeps in his car.

 

I do not have a problem with my boyfriend going out and letting off some steam. The problem I have is that he doesn't call me to let me know what is going on, so sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because he isn't home and I haven't heard from him.

 

Last night, he called me after work around 5PM to say he was headed to the casino for a while but wouldn't be out late. I texted/talked to him a couple times - he was reluctant to commit to when he would be home, saying things such as "I will come home if I go down $25, but right now I am up $200." or "It looks like I might be coming home soon. (at 9PM)". I went to bed around 10PM, with no real idea of when he was coming home.

 

So this morning I awoke at 5AM to realize that he was still gone. I immediately texted him "I hope you are ok. But you know this upsets me.". That basically started a fight. He came home shortly afterward and said that he wasn't doing anything wrong and if I was really worried about him, I should have called him. I think it is unfair of him to stay out all night and not at least keep me posted on what is going on. He thinks I am being unreasonable by asking him to text me at a certain time to say that he is still out and doesn't know when he will be home. He feels that I do not trust him and claims that he is a grown man and should be free to come and go as he pleases.

 

I feel disrespected, almost like he is ashamed of what he is doing, so he just chooses to ignore me instead of dealing with the issue head-on. Any ideas of how to approach him and figure out a compromise?

 

Thanks in advance

Karin

[TigerCub]

Hi Karin

 

You're bf either:

 

A. is cheating on you

B. has a gambling addiction

 

or maybe both.

 

Do you know what caused his divorce?

[calblondie]

Tiger,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

As far as I can tell (I have only heard his side of the story), his divorce was caused by his ex not allowing him his freedom...such as going out with his friends & going to the casinos. He said that she absolutely did not allow it.

 

Karin

[grkBoy]

I never understood why you women think we men should keep tabs on what we do every few hours.

 

My fiance gets irked if I'm out and I don't "check in". I never understood this. Get freaked out if it's 2PM the next day and I haven't come home...not when it's 10PM and I didn't come home immediately after work.

 

Call me cold, but she could be out without checking in, even all the way until 2 or 3 AM and I wouldn't get mad or worry. Some can think I'm cold or I don't care...but I see it as we're all ADULTS and I'm not going to worry about another adult like I would a small child.

 

I don't think he's ashamed. I just think that like me, when we're out or doing something that doesn't involve the girlfriend, then we're not thinking about "checking in". We're either having fun, working later, etc.

 

Unless he's blowing his paychecks at the casino and can't pay the bills...leave it alone.

 

 

 

In all honesty, you badgering him like his ex will probably only make him decide to break up and stay single.

 

Look around and see how many guys complain about nagging wives or girlfriends who seemingly don't trust them or don't give guys their "me time". Unless he's blowing all his money at the casino or showing real signs of cheating...leave it alone.

Edited November 9, 2011 by grkBoy

[fetish1980]

this is definitely a red flag. it sounds more like he has a gambling addiction. That's what ultimately tore up my relationship with the woman i was planning to marry and had been with for the last 7.5-8 years. She began to start lying, hiding things, and money mysteriously came up missing from our joint account. She'd try to clean it up later by paying more on a bill, but it was still deceitful.

 

have him get help or run fast. I hear all the time gambling addictions are just as bad if not worse than any drug or alcohol addiction.

 

fetish

[grkBoy]

Is it gambling addiction?

[Emilia]

I'm getting the impression it's a gambling addiction

[Lucky_One]

I consider this disrespectful behavior as you are living together.

 

I am also suspect of his reason for his divorce. He really divorced because his wife didn't give him freedom to hang out with the boys until daybreak once a week? He's a grown man, with a child; he's not a college boy.

 

But what he did do is give you a very unsettling boundary. "If you act like my XW and expect me to behave like a responsible grown man, then I will leave you, too." And boom - he has you where he wants you. You are scared to call him on his BS, because you don't want him to leave the R.

 

On the next night that he is at the casino, go join him (assuming that you don't have a child at home that can't be left alone). Which brings up another question...

 

Does he ever leave you at home to take care of his son, while he is out screwing around (oops, I mean gambling).

 

I wouldn't put up with this crap at ALL. There is something very fishy in his story.

[TigerCub]

Tiger,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

As far as I can tell (I have only heard his side of the story), his divorce was caused by his ex not allowing him his freedom...such as going out with his friends & going to the casinos. He said that she absolutely did not allow it.

 

Karin

 

I see.

 

well, I'm not one to advocate the "you must check in with me" rule. But its obvious that your bf wants to live life like a single guy - just **** off and do whatever he wants and stay out as long as he wants - and if you ask questions, you're bothering him.

 

I do think that adults that trust one another shouldn't need to keep tabs on each other, but he is kinda pushing it. I really do think that he has a gambling problem and he simply wont anyone's "nagging" get between him and his vice.

[rightfield]

I'm a guy, and I think this is at best, immature and irresponsible behavior. At worst, it's gambling addiction.

 

Hey, I used to love to go to Las Vegas a few times a year. Time gets away from you when you are having fun in that environment. But to do this on a weekly basis is over the top.

 

It's one thing to say, "let the adult guy do what he wants", but it begs the question...how is this affecting your life together the next day? If he's basically been up for 24 hours, he's going to be worthless until later in the afternoon. It's hard to jointly operate a household when one half of the team is doing stuff like that.

 

I'd say he either needs to get help with the addiction, if that's what it is, or grow up and ACT like a responsible adult. If he won't do either, you know what to do...

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS.

 

Your live-in BF is who he is. He's divorced and 30 with a child and a man who feels that his actions are healthy for him, enough so that he was unable to reconcile his prior M.

 

If he's not interested in any sort of compromise and you are unable to accept his behaviors as compatible with your boundaries for a relationship, let him go. He'll be fine.

 

One proactive 'bend' would be scheduling 'us' time so you and he could go out together, with some fun and dinner at the casino as part of that. Suggest it. Listen to the response. Child care can be arranged. People do it all the time.

 

One question: Have you ever met his exW personally? Since they share custody, I would imagine that's a possibility. If so, how did that go?

[InJest]

He's made it pretty clear that he has no intention of changing. You know you won't be happy if you marry this man, may as well end it now, before you are even more attached, not to mention...older.

[calblondie]

Wow, thanks everyone for your overwhelming responses...

 

grkBoy: I appreciate your perspective...I think it closely matches my boyfriend's point of view. I did attempt to turn the tables on him - asked him if I stayed out all night how it would make him feel. He responded that it would be a different situation because I don't do that EVER, so of course he would be upset. His argument is that since he does it regularly it is part of who he is and something that I can't (and shouldn't want to) change. To me this is an unsavory behavior, not part of his personality.

 

Benni/fetish/Emilia: It could possibly be a gambling addiction, but I can't say for sure. He is addicted to fun, I can say that...whether it is drinking with his buddies, gambling at the casino or out dancing at a rave...he acts as if nothing else matters and loses track of time. He acts as if he doesn't have control over his actions and time slips away from him. He isn't gambling away a lot of money - the most I have ever see him lose is $200. Many times he wins...and his gambling has never affected his ability to pay the bills, as far as I can tell.

 

yukon: Thanks for your directness...you are right, he is no example for my son. If my son thinks this behavior is ok, I am not doing my job as a mother.

 

Lucky: You're correct...he does almost use his divorce to hold over my head. "Don't act like her....or...." He does not leave his son with me when he goes out all night. Usually he chooses to stay out when I have my son at home and he doesn't. It puts me in a bad position because I am not apt to join him as easily. It also sends me the message that we are not a "family" unless his son is present.

 

Tiger: I don't want to make a "check-in" rule either. I guess I have to ask the question of whether or not I trust him. Why am I so upset? Is it because I am worried about his safety, because I think he is making bad decisions or just because I am needy or miss him? I guess I look at his behavior as a reflection of his maturity (or lack thereof). I do not want to marry a man who acts like a kid in college.

 

rightfield: Thanks for giving me another man's perspective. He can take off to Vegas anytime he wants...I am really not trying to limit his outings. But when I expect him to be home, I want him to be home. I guess it is the fear of the unknown. The issue with the solution you suggest (get help with the addition or grow up and act like an adult) is that he THINKS he is being responsible when he does this; He isn't hurting anyone, isn't drinking and driving, isn't doing anything illegal...

 

carhill: Thanks for your suggestions. We actually go out together quite a bit. Just last weekend we went out and "partied" together. I had 3 drinks, waited about 3 hours after my last drink and then I drove us home. We go out and have fun quite often, usually once or twice a month. The issue is that he wants to go out more often, even during the week or when I have my son.

 

InJest: Well said - I know that I won't marry him as long as this is an issue in our relationship.

 

Karin

[calblondie]

Bizzie: Thanks for posting here first! It is interesting to hear from someone in a similar situation. Although I haven't been with him for 10 years, I do feel like I will feel the same way years from now. Even if I don't ask him to check in or ever question him, I don't think that I will ever be "ok" with his behavior. I have the choice to 1) Deal with it, not complain to him about it, and hope that maybe the behavior will change OR 2) Leave now...

 

Sigh....

 

So with your situation, did you struggle for a long time on whether or not this was a deal-breaker? I am doing that right now...

[calblondie]

Bizzie -

 

You haven't hi-jacked anything. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am happy that you were able to make the decision to walk away and that you and your kids are in a safe, positive environment.

 

Maybe it is something like what you mentioned happening that I am afraid of. You make such a good point...that it wasn't a home for children to grow up in. I need to remember that my son hears and understands much more than I give him credit for. He is only 8, but I know he must wonder when he sees my bf not coming home until very late, if at all.

 

Obviously, the situation in my home varies from time to time. In the past, my bf has gone out, gotten drunk and driven home drunk. My son has been at home and I basically had to tell my bf to go in another room because I didn't want him around my son like that. He has gotten into fights and had to run in order to not get into trouble. This is not the man that I want to help me raise my son. I wish the 95% of his good behavior could overshadow or outweigh the 5% of his bad behavior.

[Niagara Falls]

im sure this has been posted many many times but ill give my insights.

 

 

hes either

 

A) cheating

 

B) gambling addiction

 

C) hasnt grown out of his college years (it happens)

 

 

could be cheating but seeing as his last ended because she didnt let him be free, its probably one of the bottom two.

 

as far as gambling, i play poker as a part time job and i can pick out a degenerate from a mile away. if hes losing a lot of money he will be angry quite often, this even could be in the form of rebelling against your wishes. but if you know hes not losing a lot of money and can tell that it isnt causing a problem (be careful, they can hide it from friends and family very well) then its probably not that. i would still not give him any sort of immediate access to your own funds and as soon as something goes horribly wrong (like bankruptcy or large money loans that he cant pay) dump him and get out of there. he will turn to you eventually for money, even if he has to steal.

 

third. he just hasn't grown up. if hes going to be out he should be letting you know whats going on. forget the bull**** guys are saying about letting him be free. if he wants to be free he should expect to be single. im a 19 yo male and I party every weekend, but when im in a relationship i let her know whats going on if she wants to know, because I care.

 

one thing you may not realize is that his immaturity is definitely linked to his past. hes been oppressed by past girlfriends and probably his mother when younger. Not only that, but he sees you as an older, typically controlling woman and does not respect that. hes 8 years younger and is probably intimidated by it. Hes thinking your actions are more like a mother than a girlfriend.

 

the way to counter that is to be passive and almost depressed and ask him to let you know whats going on and when because you care and it worries and upsets you. if your demanding, loud and aggressive, your acting like his mother. (this may all sound weird and completely wrong) but from what your post says its a possibility. depends on where the oppression in his past specifically came from

[calblondie]

Niagara: Thanks for your insight!

 

I think you're right - he isn't cheating. I never thought about the fact that his immaturity, combined with his past may be driving his actions and reaction to me. I am quite a bit older than he is...and I know he had mom issues growing up. I just worry that if I back off or act more passively that he will view that as acceptance of his behavior. And I definitely do not want to condone what has been going on.

 

BTW, I appreciate the fact that you are 19 and have the maturity to tell your gf what is going on if you are out partying. While some men see my request for communication as controlling, it is really coming from a place of love and concern

 

Karin

[grkBoy]

grkBoy: I appreciate your perspective...I think it closely matches my boyfriend's point of view. I did attempt to turn the tables on him - asked him if I stayed out all night how it would make him feel. He responded that it would be a different situation because I don't do that EVER, so of course he would be upset. His argument is that since he does it regularly it is part of who he is and something that I can't (and shouldn't want to) change. To me this is an unsavory behavior, not part of his personality.

 

Yeah...I think he's got no right to be irked at you for being out all night if he's doing it.

 

If my fiance went out all night and not called, I'd leave her alone. Let her have fun and I know she'll call me when she gets a moment. Now if it's 9, 10, 11, or noon the next day with no word...then I'd get worried and wonder if she's safe.

 

In the end, it sounds like he's not giving you what you want in a RL. I know this is why I totally changed up what I wanted in a woman and ended up with my fiance.

 

In the past I'd chase hot-looking party girls, but realized these girls wanted a hot wealthy alpha male boyfriend who will give them a Kardashian lifestyle. They wanted a husband who takes them on trips and buys bottle service at the clubs every week or every other week. I wanted a more subdued life...hence why I had to "wake up" and realize I was pursuing the wrong women.

 

In your case it sounds the same. He might be a decent guy in some ways, but it's obvious that he's living a lifestyle you don't want. You're better off looking for a man who will give you the life you want...meaning he goes out crazy like that ONCE IN A WHILE as opposed to regularly, and he checks in and makes his life about the two of you, rather than trying to cling to a past single-guy life.

[calblondie]

In your case it sounds the same. He might be a decent guy in some ways, but it's obvious that he's living a lifestyle you don't want. You're better off looking for a man who will give you the life you want...meaning he goes out crazy like that ONCE IN A WHILE as opposed to regularly, and he checks in and makes his life about the two of you, rather than trying to cling to a past single-guy life.

 

Bingo...Glad you found what you were looking for. Thanks for your advice!

 

Karin