Should the new girl be warned?

[micahsmommy12]

So I've just recently gotten out of a physically abusive relationship. My ex was physically abusive to me for about 5 months of our 1 year relationship. The last time he beat me was the last, but also the worst. I mean this guy really hurt me, I was covered in grapefruit sized bruises. He told me he was going to kill me and choked me until I saw stars. I honestly thought I might die that day. This was a month ago. He began a new relationship almost immediately after he left. Like she was around that day...now they are dating. It was hard at first, but since then I have realized I probably was suffering from traumatic bonding, so I have really made strides in getting over it. Plus, I have talked to his previous ex who described the same emotional and mental abuse, although they never got physical. She really helped me realize, it really wasn't my fault. I feel like I should warn the new girl, just of the facts. I can't see him making any significant strides in himself since we broke up. And honestly, I'm tired of keeping up appearances for him. And I hate the idea he is manipulating the next girl. I think I am going to say something to her, regardless of whether or not she thinks I'm crazy because even if she doesn't take it seriously, she will remember it. Maybe it will save her alot of heartbreak. Interested in some feedback.....

[carhill]

I would, if making the choice to 'say' something, augment it with pictures of your abuse and a printout of his rap/arrest sheet, which I'm sure multiple incidents of DV has earned him. Ask her if she has any questions. If so, then answer them honestly. Then leave it, and them, alone and move on in your life.

 

My sympathies. If you have access to it, I recommend counseling with someone who specializes in recovery from abuse. I would especially recommend it if you have such occurrences in your childhood or young adult background. Good luck.

[Trimmer]

I would, if making the choice to 'say' something, augment it with pictures of your abuse and a printout of his rap/arrest sheet, which I'm sure multiple incidents of DV has earned him. Ask her if she has any questions. If so, then answer them honestly. Then leave it, and them, alone and move on in your life.

 

Maybe Carhill is getting around to the question in a more gentle way than I am but I'll ask right out: has he had arrests and convictions for Domestic Violence in the past? Did he have to meet any consequences as a result of his assaults on you?

 

I'm concerned because you talk about being "...tired of keeping up appearances for him..." and that makes me wonder whether you decided not to pursue his attacks on you with law enforcement.

 

It's up to you whether you have the strength to do it - and whether you still have the evidence to make it stick - but one way of leaving your mark on him for the future, instead of finding yourself concerned on a case-by-base basis with whoever he will be beating on next, would be to "mark" him with a well-deserved DV rap sheet (i.e. have him hauled in for beating you up.) That way (a) he'll have to suffer the consequences that the legal system will dole out, (b) future women may be able to find that information, even if you are not around, and © maybe, just maybe, he'll change, a little or a lot.

 

My sympathies. If you have access to it, I recommend counseling with someone who specializes in recovery from abuse. I would especially recommend it if you have such occurrences in your childhood or young adult background. Good luck.

I echo this. It's not your fault, and I don't mean to make it sound above like I'm putting the responsibility on your shoulders to do something about him. I'm just thinking that you sound like you want to do something; this would be a way of doing something permanent...

 

Also, consider: is there any possiblity that if you do talk to his current girl, and she mentions that to him in some form, might he come back to you in anger? Or do you feel well-enough separated and protected now to handle that possibility?

[micahsmommy12]

Actually that day, I called the police. They made a report, and he has a year to be arrested and for the D.A to press charges. But he fled before the police got here, and honestly, I have not heard from them since. I check on the case and nothing. I know they are busy with the people who are being hurt right this moment, but I find it disappointing that they have not pursued him. I gave them numbers, and the address of where he is staying. Nothing. I do have the report, and they did take pictures of my injuries.

I know I can not save every woman he comes in contact with. And his behavior after our breakup has been textbook abuser, convincing the new girl I mistreated him. Setting her up as his shoulder to cry on. She even opened a cell phone for him. Yes, she has in 2 weeks, signed a 2 year commitment for him. He is good! I know she will just think I am jealous. But it is the truth, and even if he doesn't hit her, I feel he will eventually reveal himself and she will think back to my warning and (maybe) take heed before it gets too bad.

I don't know if he will feel the need to retaliate. After all, I'm telling the truth. That is a concern of mine, as I don't have the resources to move...or even leave. I think he might be done with the situation, but who's to know. His ex recently told me that after she left him, he put a weight through her car window, though the police could not confirm it was him. So that is food for thought....

[carhill]

Since you're in contact with his prior exGF, does she have any case numbers or records of warrants/arrests/convictions on him?

 

If you were injured by his abuse and suffered damages, like medical bills, another option, if the DA hasn't responded to your sworn complaint, is to contact local resources in the abused women's community and/or media. Abused women is a political hot button and I'm sure the DA's office wouldn't want the light of community activists and/or the media focused on them without positive action resulting, especially actively ignoring sworn complaints.

 

Alternatively, you can chalk this up to being a life lesson, learn from it and move on to other things in life. It's up to you. A shelter for abused women, who might be able to assist in putting pressure on the police/DA, can also direct you to low or no-cost psychological counseling services should you so desire to pursue them.

 

The important thing to remember is what he did was wrong and illegal. It's called assault and battery. You were/are a victim of crime. You have choices and power. Good luck.

[lostcharm]

I'd say yes, you need to tell her. If something were to happen to her and you never warned her, you'd feel guilty and regret not doing so.

[Breezy Trousers]

First, congratulations on getting away from that man.

 

As to your question:

 

You're right. You can't save every woman from this man. Oftentimes the abuser will groom the new woman to see you as the evil doer, creating a stronger (albeit fake) bond between them. (Oppositional energy does wonders for bonding people. It's one reason nations go to war.)

 

So, yes, warn her. Just don't expect her to listen.

 

I'm cynical, I admit, because years ago, I was a "helper" like you to a woman being abused by a family member. Early in their relationship, I pulled her aside and pointed out his history, blah, blah, blah.

 

She wasn't interested. She considered herself special compared to the previous women, I guess. Not surprisingly, her life has spun out of control.

 

What's interesting is that she had a strong intuition about him from the beginning.

 

So here's what I've learned:

 

People who routinely ignore their own intuition -- and who reject the additional benefit of an outsider's perspective --have to learn life's lessons the hard way. It's tragic but true. So briefly do your ethical duty but walk away. Her safety is her responsibility, not yours. The longer she abdicates her responsibility, the longer she will suffer. I hope she pulls out of it alive. Some don't. Sad truth. You can't fix that.

 

After you talk to her (IF you talk to her), the fact remains that her relationship with your ex is none of your business. Traumatic bonding is probably underway right now, but you can't fix that for her. You can only fix yourself.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[Taramere]

I don't know if he will feel the need to retaliate. After all, I'm telling the truth. That is a concern of mine, as I don't have the resources to move...or even leave. I think he might be done with the situation, but who's to know. His ex recently told me that after she left him, he put a weight through her car window, though the police could not confirm it was him. So that is food for thought....

 

That's my concern. That if you warn her, and provide photographic evidence, you will be placing yourself at further risk from your ex boyfriend's violence.

 

In the UK, legislators are looking at the possibility of bringing in something informally known as "Clare's Law" Brief background to it...

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-15630944

 

The idea is that police would be permitted to contact people who have formed a relationship with a dangerous individual (ie with a known history of violence against partners) to warn them.

 

There's an obvious weakness, though, in that as in Clare Wood's case the difficulty was not that she was unaware of their partner's tendency to violence, but that when she reported it, the police weren't particularly interested. They only really started to sit up and take note when the guy burned her to death...which was a bit too late for poor Clare.

 

Could you outline the pattern of your ex boyfriend's violence a little? For instance, was the first physical attack a very violent one...or was it something that seemed quite minor? A shove, or a bit of a slap on your arm...that kind of thing? Maybe abusive language and shouting, unaccompanied by any physical violence at first?

 

What about the girlfriend before you, who ended up being a source of support? Did she warn you about him when you first started seeing him, or did she present herself to you as a potential part of your support network after you split up from him? What are her thoughts on warning the new girlfriend?

 

My guess, from what you've said so far, is that if you warn her, she'll almost certainly ignore you and take his side. All you'd really be doing, most likely, would be to buy her a little bit of extra time of a violence-free relationship. Staving off the time when he starts introducing abusive elements into his relationship with her.

[Tayla]

First, congratulations on getting away from that man.

 

As to your question:

 

You're right. You can't save every woman from this man. Oftentimes the abuser will groom the new woman to see you as the evil doer, creating a stronger (albeit fake) bond between them. (Oppositional energy does wonders for bonding people. It's one reason nations go to war.)

 

So, yes, warn her. Just don't expect her to listen.

 

I'm cynical, I admit, because years ago, I was a "helper" like you to a woman being abused by a family member. Early in their relationship, I pulled her aside and pointed out his history, blah, blah, blah.

 

She wasn't interested. She considered herself special compared to the previous women, I guess. Not surprisingly, her life has spun out of control.

 

What's interesting is that she had a strong intuition about him from the beginning.

 

So here's what I've learned:

 

People who routinely ignore their own intuition -- and who reject the additional benefit of an outsider's perspective --have to learn life's lessons the hard way. It's tragic but true. So briefly do your ethical duty but walk away. Her safety is her responsibility, not yours. The longer she abdicates her responsibility, the longer she will suffer. I hope she pulls out of it alive. Some don't. Sad truth. You can't fix that.

 

After you talk to her (IF you talk to her), the fact remains that her relationship with your ex is none of your business. Traumatic bonding is probably underway right now, but you can't fix that for her. You can only fix yourself.

 

I do not consider you cynical on this matter, but rather realistic on the actions of the willing participant who stays in the abusive relation.

I can totally relate to being the "good neighbor" so to speak to a person going thru this, the very thing happened to one of my "then" friends. I was cast to the side for this "new" found love and after two years of the abuse, she showed up at my door protesting how right I was to be concerned. I closed the door on her as I washed my hands of her years ago when she willingly walked away from a ten year friendship to endure abuse. She made her bed. And this is coming from a Lady who lived thru some abusive relations...So I can say it does no good to bring facts...the heart doesnt have a brain...

[micahsmommy12]

You were all very right, as I suppose I knew you would be. She did not listen, she has drank the kool-aid. He has made me out to be the monster...not only to her, but also to his family, so they are there to be his back-up.

I sent her an email describing the last instance of abuse. I told her he was punching me in the head repeatedly, he was kicking me in my spine while I was in a fetal position. He told me he was going to kill me and choked me until I saw stars. This went on for 3 hours. I told her he had a warrant, and there was a police report with photos, that I would send to her if she wanted. I told her that I knew she would keep dating him, but that he is capable of abuse, so perhaps if he did it to he, she would understand he had done it before, and would probably do it again. So she could get out sooner than I did.

He found out I sent her an email....so he sent me a slur of abusive responses:

"I'm glad I hurt you....it's what you deserve"

"I'm only mad at myself for not hurting you worse."

He also sent me her response:

"I'm embarrassed for her. Her behavior, her vulgar ways, and she's reaching out to me?!?" "I'm not here to judge you, nor will I ever." "I'm shocked you were so involved with such a drama starter, babe"

Then he informed me he had actually been dating her for 2 months before we broke up, and he had been sleeping with 2 sisters (gross!) in my town.

So he has been working on her for a while, I suppose.

It still boggles my mind. How do you hear something like this, know he was cheating with you, and still think he is a good guy? At least he truly lied to me, I was completely unaware that he was capable of putting his hands on me. I truly never thought he was cheating on me...well, I suppose a couple lies had come out, but I didn't want to waste my time keeping tabs on him. And he knew I would never be the kind of woman to cheat with someone. So I guess, she is also a scumbag. I am done...washing my hands. He is a complete and utter lost cause. And she knows now what she may be getting herself into. I really do feel for her kids, though. I know he charmed my son as well as me, and he was very hurt to learn he had lost his friend. But if this kind of behavior is good enough for her, then that is good enough for me.

As far as his ex...she has only recently come into the picture. It was somewhat of a complicated situation, and I believe she knew I would just have to find out for myself. He was never physically abusive to her, but she stated there was emotional abuse. And his lifestyle...he is basically a user. He let her (and subsequently me) support him for 6 years. I remember crying to him about how I couldn't afford to support him, I was going under. He did nothing. He used me completely until there was nothing left for me to give.

This describe him to the T:

"Abusive man - Dependant

 

The Dependant man is highly sensitive. He pouts when you express constructive criticism or contrasting point of views or decisions.

He feels rejected all the time. In his mind, it is always the fault of somebody else, or something else if something nothing goes his way. He doesn't take responsibility for his part in a situation.

The Dependant man cancels plans at the last minute. He is threatened by all the masculine presence in your life even of your girlfriends sometimes.

He is so empty inside. You are the tool to fill that void. The burden is heavy. It compromises your happiness. Sooner or later, you won't be enough. He will wander to newer seas."

 

 

My friend gave me some great advice the other night. she said: "All you can do is let it go, do what you have to so you're never here again, and get really skinny and hot!"

[Trimmer]

You've given her a gift. She doesn't recognize it as such, and she's tossed it aside for now, but you were generous and you put yourself out there, and offered it.

 

Some day, if she needs it, it may be the key to helping her heal from her relationship with this guy.

 

You may never know - I hope for you that you will have moved on and healed yourself by then, but you've done a good and honorable thing, which may not reveal itself until later.

 

And incidentally, don't take either his or her reactions as a useful judgment of the value of your gift. As a matter of fact, those are the very two people in the world who cannot give a useful opinion of your action. Him, for obvious reasons, and her because well, you yourself know what it's like to be in the early stages of a relationship with this guy, right?

 

Trust me, you've done a good thing, for the right reasons, and with a good heart. It may some day be a very useful gift to her, when she realizes that she needs to take it out and unwrap it.