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When is it OK for boyfriend to stay the night with Children in the house

IDDadof2

By IDDadof2
in Separation and Divorce

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IDDadof2 New Member

IDDadof2

Posted
Posted

Hello,

 

My ex and I have been separated for a few months now.

 

She met a guy 2 weeks ago and already let him stay the night at her house while my 3 & 5 year old daughter were there. My 5 year old met him for the first time the morning when they all woke up.

 

I'd love to hear others thoughts on this. I understand there isn't a standard timeframe for when this should happen, however, I think 2 weeks couldn't be good for my daughters. I don't want them thinking this type of behavior is OK.

 

My thoughts are this:

 

With the mentality of it being OK to have a new bf stay the night after 2 weeks, leads me to believe it can happen on more than one occasion as they grow older. Naturally the first thing as a father is security. How could you possibly truly know someones intentions after 2 weeks?

 

I get nervous knowing my girls are in the house with another guy who's not their father. I know this is inevitably going to happen, but shouldn't there be a length of time pass before letting guys stay the night while the girls are there? I'm thinking at least get to know the guy 3 months before even contemplating it.

 

Any experience/thoughts are welcome. Thanks for reading. :)

toosoft Member

toosoft

Posted
Posted (edited)

My W introduced my kids to her OM within days of them hooking up. I was mortified, but I have some advice for you...

 

NOTHING you say or do will make any difference, she will do what she wants anyway. Harsh to hear, but its the truth. Unless the guys a pedo or criminal, you dont really have a leg to stand on. Be the bigger man and dont lose your cool! If you go round and he's there, be pleasant. She will expect you to act like a jerk... show her your valuable! Easier said than done I know. Accept its what she wants and be happy for her. If its a typical rebound, it will fail within months anyway. And dont forget to get out there and have some fun yourself! Show her your getting on with your life without her.

 

In my case, the OM turned out to be a typical rebound and its all over now and its me sat back on the sofa in her house. He made me look good! But at the time, it was awful to hear about OM from my kids and seeing pictures of him playing happy families with my kids. Massive massive stress buddy... I feel your pain and worry.

Edited by toosoft
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IDDadof2 New Member

IDDadof2

Posted
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Posted

thanks for your words toosoft. they are appreciated and sorry you had to deal with it too. Nothing fun about it and I know this is just the beginning. :)

 

I'm actually very happy for her. I'd much rather her be happy around my daughters rather then lonely and depressed.

 

And yes, you're absolutely right...she'll do whatever she wants anyway. But really, is making rational decisions for the best interest of the children too much to ask! haha :)

toosoft Member

toosoft

Posted
Posted

She wont be thinking about the kids mate... women dont want to be alone. As hard as it is to hear...

 

Keep it friendly with her and new man... for the sake of your kids. It will make things easier in the future if you do end up separating for good. And it will also help if you reconcile... shows your a valuable male!

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IDDadof2 New Member

IDDadof2

Posted
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Posted

wise words, I agree 100% with you. thanks again.

Josephina Member

Josephina

Posted
Posted

My rule of thumb (untested so far though!) is 4 months, and the kid can meet him after 2 months. This is all theoretical, as I have yet to date.

Damia Established Member

Damia

Posted
Posted (edited)
She wont be thinking about the kids mate... women dont want to be alone. As hard as it is to hear...

 

Not all women think this way ! I have been separated for a year now. If an when I meet a nice bloke I will not be introducing him to my kids until I'm sure he might be around for a while and is a stand up guy how ever long that takes

My xH did exactly what your ex did so it works both ways, must have something to do with lust maybe?(mmmm something to watch out for?)

 

Keep it friendly with her and new man... for the sake of your kids. It will make things easier in the future if you do end up separating for good. And it will also help if you reconcile... shows your a valuable male!

 

This is good advice. Hard to follow but still good

Edited by Damia
robf1971 Established Member

robf1971

Posted
Posted
Hello,

 

My ex and I have been separated for a few months now.

 

She met a guy 2 weeks ago and already let him stay the night at her house while my 3 & 5 year old daughter were there. My 5 year old met him for the first time the morning when they all woke up.

 

I'd love to hear others thoughts on this. I understand there isn't a standard timeframe for when this should happen, however, I think 2 weeks couldn't be good for my daughters. I don't want them thinking this type of behavior is OK.

 

My thoughts are this:

 

With the mentality of it being OK to have a new bf stay the night after 2 weeks, leads me to believe it can happen on more than one occasion as they grow older. Naturally the first thing as a father is security. How could you possibly truly know someones intentions after 2 weeks?

 

I get nervous knowing my girls are in the house with another guy who's not their father. I know this is inevitably going to happen, but shouldn't there be a length of time pass before letting guys stay the night while the girls are there? I'm thinking at least get to know the guy 3 months before even contemplating it.

 

Any experience/thoughts are welcome. Thanks for reading. :)

 

It will be interesting to see how she reacted if you met someone and 2 weeks later introduced her to your kids. My guess is, not well lol

 

In fact one day you will meet someone, even if it's in 5 years and your wife won't react to it well. Then my friend, the boot will be on the other foot!!

trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

Posted
Posted
She wont be thinking about the kids mate... women dont want to be alone. As hard as it is to hear...

 

I have to agree with Damia on the fact that not all women are like this....men don't want to be alone either. I guess it comes down to who did the leaving to be honest. I know that when I was a kid, I met many of my dad's women after he and my mother split up. My dad is the type of man who can't be alone, so he moved from relationship to relationship.

 

When my exH and I finally came to the conclusion that there could be no reconciliation (his decision), he immediately took up with another woman within 2 weeks. Later he did admit that he was seeing her while we were trying to recon. He moved right in with her after she moved her husband out and our 13 year old son knew about her before I did. We had an agreement that we wouldn't introduce our son to anyone we might be seeing until the divorce was final, but...well, you see how that goes.

 

From the last recon to today, it's been 2 years and one year since the divorce has been final (last month). My son, who is 16 now, just met my boyfriend of four months several weeks ago and is happy that I have a wonderful man in my life. He's never met anyone that I was dating or involved with over the two years until now.

 

I think both men and women don't want to be alone, we weren't meant to be. But it's hard to find the right person for you to share a life with in a loving and caring way until you've healed from the hurt a past relationship causes. Introducing children too early into a new relationship, before a foundation is established or you've had time to heal typically doesn't bode well. The dysfunction of 15 years with my exH is still apparent in his relationship...he and his new wife scream and yell at each other the same as we did in our marriage. Wonder what the common denominator of that frustration is...the one thing in common on that note...is my ex. Even our son sees that now.

jaymz Established Member

jaymz

Posted
Posted

Great post Trippi and I agree 100% with it.

 

I did see a girl for 3 weeks and it didn't work out (too soon for me), the kids had met her briefly (at my brothers wedding when I met her) but when she came over it was always when the kids weren't there. so as it didn't work out they never knew about it.

 

My STBXW was the one that had the affairs and left the marriage. In the beginning she was telling me that she was leaving to live alone and the kids hadn't met scumbag yet. Truth came out that she was taking my little girl with her to see him and they had even gone together on over night trips with my kids.

 

She introduced scumbag to my boys in April, 6 weeks after they met and about a week after we told the kids we were splitting up! and then they moved in together in july.

 

It was all way too soon for me and the kids to deal with. Still now my kids are not happy and have a feeling of helplessness about the whole thing. But I will always put them first and do the right thing by them, as I have always done.

jstobo Established Member

jstobo

Posted
Posted

Wow, just two weeks? That is crazy! The only thing I wonder is if she really only met him two weeks ago. I've been separated for 8 months and I haven't introduced my kids to anyone. I'm just now starting to tell them I do date, but that is it. My STBX has been with the man she had the affair with and she still hasn't introduced the kids to him. I think that mostly has to do with her guilt and shame of her affair. The research I have done says to wait 9 months. Mainly because people are on their best behavior the first 6 months and months 6-9 are the months you really learn and know who you're with. If you last 9 months, it's pretty safe to introduce the kids. I don't personally think I could wait that long. I've been getting to know someone the past 3 months and I'm getting very close to introducing her.

 

Your Wife will really regret doing to that to her kids when her fog is lifted.

fluffyfluff Member

fluffyfluff

Posted
Posted

Thats absoloutley disgusting!

 

Maybe she should think about introducing him to the kids "gradually" "over time" as a "friend".

 

Look at the example shes setting for the kids. BLAAA!

 

I would take it up with her about her parenting in the background, Eg email so the kids cant hear about the fight.

 

Get her to attend a child focus program, what a disgrace!

toosoft Member

toosoft

Posted
Posted

Re my comment about women dont want to be alone...

 

Firstly, apologies to the forum members who do have morals! I shouldnt of put all women into that category.

 

Secondly, I agree, men dont like to be alone either. I certainly dont!

fluffyfluff Member

fluffyfluff

Posted
Posted

Who's the kid and whos the adult in this situation!

 

Children's well being are paramount at all times and their psychological development can not ever be replaced.

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