Should i tell gf I cheated early on?

[jenkins]

Here's the deal. I've been in a long distance relationship for a year, and I cheated a couple of times in the earliest couple of months. I haven't said anything, but its complicated.

 

I actually met my gf on a date when I had another gf, so shes had some trust issues from the beginning -- I met her through cheaitng, though I didn't sleep with her at the time -- I confessed to her before that. Still, we got together and she took a chance on me. After my first big visit to her I came back and was out of control, and used a couple of girls who I had slept with in recent months, whose personalities I was annoyed by, and frankly I don't find them very attractive. So it was a couple bad mistakes. I felt bad doing it and I was confused at that time, dwelling on my past traumas, plus I was pretty isolated at the time, and I suffer from anxiety which helped me make these couple of bad decisions.

 

After my first visit (before or after cheating, I can't quite remember), I told my partner that sometimes I deal with the fact that although I love her, I wish I got more partying/sex/etc out of my system when I was younger (I'm still young, but I feel dedicated to her) ... and she responded essentially "I know how you feel, you are a guy and you have instincts, and you are all the way out there, if you meet a girl, just use a condom and don't tell me about it." I thought she was testing me, but we had the convo a couple of times and she stuck to that line. And shes pretty mature and understanding, so I sort of believed it. Still, at some point I asked her if she really wouldn't want to know -- she sighed and said "I don't think I could take it." I heard that sigh and thought she put up a front not only to me but to herself. After I was already feeling guilty and knew I wouldn't do it again, she said the "use a condom" line again before I went out one night, and I was a but upset in response because at this point I had already been feeling at fault and it reminded me that some of our communication did help mislead me. In the coming few months she started to change her tune and say "you can dance/flirt but promise not to do anything else." I think her initial fear of getting into a long distance relationship with me given my past mistakes made her put up the front and later she exposed her weaknesses more frankly. So it seems she put up a front, and the fact that she changed her tune as time went on makes me feel bad for ever taking her "use a condom and dont tell me about it" line seriously, but she did say that line with a total straight face (over the phone) and we discussed it civilly. Still I wasn't sure even at that time she was being honest, and so I still feel guilty about it. I feel part of it came from her mistake in communication, but part of it was solely my idiocy, but also the stress I had at the time, and the loneliness in the long distance.... She is very mature, and tends to put things that are in the past in the past, and think about the present and future. And she understands male instincts, and is okay with porn/flirting/dancing with girls. And she specifically told me not to tell her...

 

And since I've been sure she wasn't letting me having sex with other girls, I haven't done anything -- I still get tempted but im certainly better than I was in my previous relationship, and I feel better at it every day because of the guilt.....

 

But I've felt sooooooo guilty. I love her so much and don't like to think of her as ignorant of anything. And I need to let go of this guilt cause sometimes its too much. At the same time, it seems selfish for me to say something in a sense, maybe I should just deal with the pain, and use it to remind me to be faithful (I'm still attracted to other women, of course, and it feels like I'm at my prime and sacrificing letting loose with them).

 

We are supposed to move in together in a few months so I'm not sure if I should say anything. She is really happy with me right now, and I am happy with her. But I feel like its not authentic sometimes -- I want to know she would mean what she says no matter what..... I tell her I'm sorry for looking at other girls and especially that I'm sorry about our "conversations" towards the beginning of the relationship where she helped me think it was okay to let it out of my system. She says "were beyond that" -- so it seems like she thinks that is history and no longer important, but I think she just thinks I'm talking about the conversations themselves, not any possible cheating I could have done.

 

She never probes me about being unfaithful, even in a long distance relationship. (The only time was when I said sorry about our early talk about me being able to have a one night stand or whatever, she quickly asked if it was things I said or things I did, and I gave a fuzzy dishonest political answer but she didnt say anything else...) So when I give her the opportunity to probe or express guilt she doesn't bring it further, but I'm not sure if its because shes more trusting than she just assumes i didnt do anything and is overly trusting, or if she really thinks that would be in the past and not worth dwelling about.

 

If I go out or to a party, she sometimes reminds me to be good to her, and after the party is over, she doesnt ask me about it, and doesnt care about whether or not I danced with girls, etc.

 

I'm not sure if I should say anything, or just figure out a way to justify it all to myself so that I stop feeling guilty about it. Even if I do say something, we might be ok, but I want to move in with her and be happy with her. And I would have to tell her either long distance, or during one of our visits, which is awkward because one person is away from home, and then we would be stuck together until the end of the visit. and It would ruin the visit as well. I might have to ruin the next visit, but I dont want to be kicked out in the snow away from home.

 

She is strong and doesnt look back at past mistakes, but in her weaker moments, where I sympathize strongly with her, she seems more normal more human. I think she has the tendency to overly react to emotionally protect herself. And that's what helped cause our early problems, and i think she she grow out of this tendency, because although shes emotionally strong she also needs to open up and express her emotional needs and frailties like a typical girl would.

 

im afraid she'll also get mad and closed off -- she might say "i dont care, it was my fault" and just grow cold on me. I don't know if i can deal with it. I can't expect it to be 100% pretty. It might end up being better to tell her for me, and even for her and for us, but it might be better to mesh those two quick sexual experiences with the same experiences that were happening months before that with those same girls... but the fact that they happened after I already told my gf I loved her makes all the difference to me... but then I look at it another way, and it just seems like 2 quick and meaningless encounters, that just repeated something from the past -- except I felt guilty and didnt enjoy and just felt humiliated by it..

 

Please help... sorry for the ramble, but there's a lot of details that are important in my mind.

Edited November 10, 2011 by jenkins

[Space Ritual]

of course you should be honest....you have based your whole relationship on lies...

 

part of being an adult is owning our actions....

 

and please grow up while you are at it. you do not have the sufficient maturity to be in any type of relationship

[jenkins]

Thanks for the replies. It seems like it is time be honest. But you guys think I should ignore the "dont tell me about it" line she said several times?

[ErgoStep]

Most women would actually rather not know. It's a fact. Your woman is smart enough to recognize this. That being told would cause her pain.

 

I see the issue here as, dealing with your guilt.

 

Priests like to be told random stuff like that. And they make magic motions, and say you're fine.

 

I'll make a motion now. Don't worry about it.

 

...

 

I might add. If you guys were married, with kids... Infidelity sometimes results in divorce, which would be devastating.

Edited November 13, 2011 by ErgoStep