Just as demented???

[despicableME]

So I'm sitting hear contemplating the outcome... fallout... whatever you want to call it. I was thinking about the "what if" my wife were to take me back. Would she be viewed as a weak person with no self-respect... a person with self-esteem issues. Maybe its better that she didn't want me back, then she wouldn't have to go through humiliating experience of people treating her like a person with a terminal illness. By this I mean the looks of sympathy- the stares and finger pointing of "Look, there she goes... her husband cheated on her... she looks terrible"- from friends and family that would go out of their way to lend support and a shoulder to cry on. My wife was/is a strong woman, and I'd hate to see her being put through any further grief in this way... ya... maybe it is better that she did away with the cancerous lesion in her life... that lesion being me.

 

Sorry for the vent. I'm not big on therapy, so this is where I let it all out.

Edited November 10, 2011 by despicableME

[Got it]

So I'm sitting hear contemplating the outcome... fallout... whatever you want to call it. I was thinking about the "what if" my wife were to take me back. Would she be viewed as a weak person with no self-respect... a person with self-esteem issues. Maybe its better that she didn't want me back, then she wouldn't have to go through humiliating experience of people treating her like a person with a terminal illness. By this I mean the looks of sympathy- the stares and finger pointing of "Look, there she goes... her husband cheated on her... she looks terrible"- from friends and family that would go out of their way to lend support and a shoulder to cry on. My wife was/is a strong woman, and I'd hate to see her being put through any further grief in this way... ya... maybe it is better that she did away with the cancerous lesion in her life... that lesion being me.

 

Sorry for the vent. I'm not big on therapy, so this is where I let it all out.

 

First off, why aren't you "big on therapy"? Do you not think there is a chance, albeit potentially a remote one, that it could be helpful for you?

 

Why do you think your wife would be walking around with a metaphorical scarlet letter? Why do you think other people would care? Does other's opinions matter to you? Is that where this line of thinking is coming from? Does this stem to how you think people will view you?

 

Really the relationship is between you and your wife, who cares what other people think. It isn't a popularity contest.

 

Honestly people, in general and by nature, are pretty self absorbed. We tend to focus on our lives and the things that are impacting us. They really aren't going to give a lot of thought to you and your wife.

 

But your last lines lends me to think this is more about potentially how low you might be feeling now. Regardless of what happens, you are going to have to come to peace with what you did and find a way to forgive yourself. The best way to do so is to figure out how you made such a momentous decision that went contrary to something that you said you valued a great deal. Why was that dictonomy there? What does it mean? You need to figure out your WHY. Figuring out all the patterns that created all the steps down that road is, one a great way to stop it from happening again, and two figuring yourself out. And this is where therapy can be very helpful.

 

If you don't like therapy there are books you can read and I suggested a couple in another post to you. You have to become more self-actualized to get through this. If not you are going to continue the same patterns regardless of what happens here.

[Spark1111]

Got it gets it!

 

Whether you reconciled or divorced BOTH of you are going to experience something akin to PTSD....and its 5 stages of shock/denial, anger, depression, forgiveness and acceptance.

 

These often overlap and are completely crazy-making for 2 to 5 years. A good therapist can help and you should do it for you, whether your wife returns or not.

 

If you do, I would share your thoughts and experiences with her. Why not? You seem truly remorseful. But don't do it with any expectation of changing her mind or feelings. Maybe you could still be friends some day.

 

As a fBS, yeah...it was hard to bear the humiliation for awhile since I did eventually choose to reconcile.

 

If you want to save face or pride, divorce is the easier route. Everyone is cheering and supportive of you.

 

Everyone approaches you with their own insecurities after DDAY! Everyone, even those who are well-intentioned: Was she prettier, younger, thinner, kept house better, better cook, more sexual, more fun and exciting, blah, blah, blah.

 

In all honesty....no, but still they want to reassure themselves that it COULD NEVER happen to them. See what I mean? so, yeah....you do sense their projection that there must have been something lacking within you that caused your man to stray.

 

And unfortunately, the longer the stray, the MORE your BS was lacking.....

 

The affair: the gift that keeps on giving.

 

It was only in learning that his deception had little to do with me, and everything to do with his own personal issues, could I even attempt reconciling.

 

He took ownership of his actions, was hugely remorseful, went out of his way to reassure me and our children that I was not the cause of anything, and started therapy to learn his "why" that I started to view him and the affair differently.

 

Do you try to communicate with your stbxw?

[whichwayisup]

So I'm sitting hear contemplating the outcome... fallout... whatever you want to call it. I was thinking about the "what if" my wife were to take me back. Would she be viewed as a weak person with no self-respect... a person with self-esteem issues. Maybe its better that she didn't want me back, then she wouldn't have to go through humiliating experience of people treating her like a person with a terminal illness. By this I mean the looks of sympathy- the stares and finger pointing of "Look, there she goes... her husband cheated on her... she looks terrible"- from friends and family that would go out of their way to lend support and a shoulder to cry on. My wife was/is a strong woman, and I'd hate to see her being put through any further grief in this way... ya... maybe it is better that she did away with the cancerous lesion in her life... that lesion being me.

 

Sorry for the vent. I'm not big on therapy, so this is where I let it all out.

 

Would she be viewed weak in your eyes? With self esteem issues?

 

I think it takes a special person with a huge forgiving heart to forgive a cheater and give them a second chance.. As long as that CS is worthy of that chance and is willing to do everything required to make it right again, regain trust and faith again. And of course the OW has to be gone forever, no contact.

[VivienViolet]

Where did your other thread go? I posted on it already. We are reconciling. I know my husband has good self esteem. Our friends who know about our troubles don't look at him with pity. Most of them admire him. It takes a special kind of person to dig in their heels and work on their problems. It's much easier to walk away. There's no easy answer. Your wife had to do what she thought was right. If the roles were reversed, I probably would have walked too.

[carhill]

If she 'took you back' and you and she rebuilt the M upon mutually agreed standards and practices, then IMO you would share mutual strength in the process and a mutual bond moving forward. What the rest of the world 'thinks' is pretty much irrelevant to that process.

 

Any decision she will make will be a far cry from being demented; that I can attest to first-hand. Good luck.

[Emme]

If your wife takes you back its because she loves you. No other reason. You should not be concerned with what people outside your marriage will think but more so how your wife will cope. Forget the world outside. What's really going on in your life why you made this post out the blue at 3am in the morning.

 

Spill my friend. Be honest about what's really going on in your mind. Forget about those looking in. What do you want to happen in your life/marriage?

[phillyfan]

So I'm sitting hear contemplating the outcome... fallout... whatever you want to call it. I was thinking about the "what if" my wife were to take me back. Would she be viewed as a weak person with no self-respect... a person with self-esteem issues. Maybe its better that she didn't want me back, then she wouldn't have to go through humiliating experience of people treating her like a person with a terminal illness. By this I mean the looks of sympathy- the stares and finger pointing of "Look, there she goes... her husband cheated on her... she looks terrible"- from friends and family that would go out of their way to lend support and a shoulder to cry on. My wife was/is a strong woman, and I'd hate to see her being put through any further grief in this way... ya... maybe it is better that she did away with the cancerous lesion in her life... that lesion being me.

 

Sorry for the vent. I'm not big on therapy, so this is where I let it all out.

 

She mite get that crap, 4 but itd be ova in 5 minutes - n then everyone wud be have sumthin else 2 talk about n forget about it. It aint no excuse 2 do one thng or anotha.

[despicableME]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm really just a private person. I'm not that big on feelings and such. Its hard for me to "let a person in" persay... see what I mean. Although me an my AP had our "moments," she never really had me on an emotional level. I guess some people are able to separate/detach from such things.

 

GotIt- I'm in the process of reading-up on some literature... any suggestions? By the way, I like your honesty. Even though we might not agree on some things I value your insight, so anything I point out to the contrary is nothing personal... just an opinion.

 

Where did your other thread go? I posted on it already.

 

They 86'd it. Its on the infidelity side now.

 

Spill my friend. Be honest about what's really going on in your mind. Forget about those looking in. What do you want to happen in your life/marriage?

 

Thanks emme.

[frozensprouts]

after my husband cheated, people tried to do what they could to help. Because I am, in "real life" a very quiet and non-verbal person, most people equated my near silence with "strength", which it was not. I was very good at moving on, putting one foot in front of the other, but again, I don't equate that with strength.

 

I accepted the suport from friends who were worried and wanted to help. I accepted the support of my family... it was not pity, but a real desire to help borne from the fact that they cared about me.

 

it was at athat time that i found out which friends I could really count on.

 

looking back, it is not something I am glad I went through, but i was able to take certain things from the experience and learn from them, and for that I am glad.

[Anna101]

Well, as the former OW and the current um, woman....I personally think his ex wife has way more strength than I do and I almost envy the fact she had the ability to walk away. Not only that but although they have had their post separation fights, with me she has acted with the utmost decorum. I know I would not have acted as well in her situation.

 

So while I can't answer how people would see her if she'd stayed, I guess the opposite there is that yes, her leaving does inspire a bit of 'wow, good on her' even in me.

 

And in all honesty, while I love my partner, the reality is he did hurt me during dday stuff and the fact I took him back makes me feel *I* was a little weak.

 

So it depends really. I think it is harder to stay, but it also takes a tremendous amount of courage to leave.

[norajane]

Maybe its better that she didn't want me back, then she wouldn't have to go through humiliating experience of people treating her like a person with a terminal illness. By this I mean the looks of sympathy- the stares and finger pointing of "Look, there she goes... her husband cheated on her... she looks terrible"- from friends and family that would go out of their way to lend support and a shoulder to cry on.

 

First, it sounds like you think that wouldn't happen unless she takes you back, like it couldn't be happening already. That "look, there she goes" stuff is not something that would only happen if she took you back. If anybody would treat her that way, that's something that is likely happening right now.

 

Second, the friends and family that would go out of their way to lend a shoulder for her to cry on...they would not have those kinds of thoughts about her. They would not be thinking that stuff. Their concern would be her welfare, you know, because they are friends and family who go out of their way to be there for her. I am so confused by why you think her friends and family would be so condescending to her??

 

My wife was/is a strong woman, and I'd hate to see her being put through any further grief in this way... ya... maybe it is better that she did away with the cancerous lesion in her life... that lesion being me.

 

Third, she has her reasons for not taking you back, but those reasons have absolutely nothing to do with what gossipy strangers might say if she did. That is the least of her concerns right now, if it is even on the list at all.

 

Are you trying to get her back? As in, actively trying? Showing her that you are committed to the marriage by actually behaving as though you are committed...doing things to show her that you haven't just given up?