There's an Attraction/Leaving the Scene

[dreamingoftigers]

Alright,

 

So I haven't posted much in the last couple of months and have been going through Hell.

 

My husband who seems to have more issues than the UN took up drinking (an old habit), freaked out, trashed our place and so he had to be tossed.

 

We have been separated since Sept 5th. He is living again in the back of his car.

 

He is pursuing treatment, but really things are so so so damaged that I have next to no interest in him.

 

It has been a very lonely and isolated time for me day to day etc.

 

During this time I have somewhat connected with someone over the last couple of weeks.

 

I have written about his stbxw a couple of times, she had left her kids and him in June and moved in with a new boyfriend. She used to be a friend of mine and is extremely selfish. I want nothing to do with her anymore. She had no less then 6 other people she slept with in the last year before breaking it off with her husband (by her own account).

 

He wasn't the best husband either but since having had quite a few months to reflect and step up to being the full time father for his children, he has responded to the harsh learning curve that comes with that very well.

 

Recently in our mutual loneliness we started hanging out together and have become friends. We are very able to relate to each other because we both had incredibly immature spouses with high expectations, addictive issues and multiple cheating encounters. (Ugh)

 

We are in our late 20s and only six months apart in age. We have a fair amount in common aside from our trainwreck marriages. So having had that as a starting point we feel pretty comfortable around each other.

 

I think it is unhealthy to pursue it any further though. We are both still somewhat enmeshed with our stbxs and are both quite lonely.

 

He has made it very very very clear that he is interested in whatever I would have to offer him. To be completely 100% honest, I have developed some feelings for him, especially when he sits near to be or goes past me, I feel that hormonal swill come on (he has not touched me and I have not encouraged him to do so).

 

The reason for me posting this up is that I do not in any way wish to distract myself from my principles and do something stupid or regrettable. I realize that even though we may be able to emotionally connect on some levels that he and I could probably beat each other over the head with our Red Flags.

 

1. He gambles, and not too well.

2. He has a kind of cranky temper. I think the potential is there for big big fights.

3. He has two children with his ex who is quite a bit of baggage and a real pain in the ass.

4. I am fresh out of a brutal marital experience and I think Bozo the Clown would probably look like the Holy Grail of boyfriends at this point, so to say my judgment is a little impaired is an underestimation.

5. I really really should take more time to myself and sort my feelings and grief out over my marriage. Who knows? I could just be trying to distract myself from the grief.

6. This would only serve to complicate my own personal situation.

7. It would also make our cheating spouses look possibly justified. (We were neighbours for over 2 years so either one of our spouses could say that there was some long-term attraction or relationship going on during that time. THERE WAS NOT AT ALL.)

8. I don't believe I should be seeing anyone at all until a divorce is final. Likewise for his divorce if I should wish to see him in the future.

9. This could really confuse my child.

10. I really only wanted a friend, not more crapola on the relationship/dating/sex scene.

11. He recently quit smoking pot.

 

So this kinda sucks. Instead of making a friend that would be an ally/asset, it now hovers around like a stressor instead of a relief. I wish I didn't have to cut it off altogether, but I think it is the only way to not have to worry about it or do something stupid or regrettable. I also thought I could handle it 110%, but truth be told, it is getting harder to resist and I am sure that I show signs of it. Ugh.

 

I guess I also need to hear posters knock me upside the head with all of the justification-crushing stuff that I might have forgotten in the swill of it all.

 

I also want to make it crystal clear:

 

WE HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING YET, AT ALL.

[freestyle]

Hey DOT--

 

I was just wondering about you the other day---

It seemed like you went from posting prolifically--to not being here at all.

 

I had a feeling something might be up with you.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now---I know you tried really hard to make it work with your STBXH--you went above & beyond, and showed him much more patience than he deserved, given his behavior.

 

My guess is that it's going to take you awhile to process everything, and regain a sense of stability. And you're right--grief can induce a state of temporary madness, and cloud judgment and critical thinking.

 

I watched this happen with a very close friend--she lost her partner of a decade to cancer---and almost immediately, a guy swooped in to play KISA

(Knight In Shining Armor) He had no respect or regard for the fact that she was grieiving---(the jerk actually complained to me that she "talked about ***** too much--it was "time to move on") (this was only TWO months after her partner passed away...)

 

Instead---he capitalized on the fact that she was grieving.A strong woman would never tolerate this guy's behavior.

 

The KISA is actually someone I've known longer than her---and I know how manipulative, selfish,and ultimately misogynistic the man is. I've had to stand on the sidelines helplessly, watching her get sucked in by him---knowing full well that his "Nice Guy" act is .......just an act. I'm already seeing the signs of emotional abuse---isolating her from her friends & support network,domineering the conversations, (he interrupts her, & she doesn't protest), invalidating her perceptions, and monopolizing her time, at a point in her life when she needs internal focus. (I'm close enough to see how the rest of her life has bee going to hell)

 

Bottom line--I think she made a decision about getting involved with someone new while under extreme duress. My fear is that it's going to bite her in the a** , in the long run.

 

DOT, it sounds like you have a fairly good grasp on things. Your OP here shows that your intuition is working, even though you're going through hell right now. ((((DOT))) You had the insight (and instinct) to list all the reasons NOT to get involved with this guy right now---and the reasons you listed show sound judgment, and wisdom. #4,#5, #6, #8, and #9 on your list especially so.

(maybe you could print that out , and post it on your refrigerator, so it's in your face, as a constant reminder....)

 

You've demonstrated here , with your postings, that you're a highly intelligent, & capable person with street smarts as well as book smarts.

I've observed you writing some very eloquent, and wise posts, just to help others out........

 

What if you wrote one of those posts to yourSELF---as if you were writing to another LSer, or a friend IRL? Your OP in this thread, was very insightful, and a good place to start. I'm going to recommend that you write another one.

 

At the risk of coming across like I'm lecturing--I'm going to say it anyways;

 

when you're viewing things through a sea of tears---the picture is likely to be distorted.Like looking through a pitcher of water---some things may seem larger than life.

 

You won't get a clear picture until the tears dry.

[KathyM]

If I may be blunt, you are finally rid of the cheating, addicted, immature husband you had and have a chance of getting your life together and eventually seeking a relationship with a healthy man. Don't waste your time, energy, emotions and heart on another addicted loser. Keep telling yourself that this time, you are going for someone that would be good for you and your child. Your child does not need these losers in his life. Don't start up something with this guy. Just stay away, and heal from your past marriage, and then seek out people who have their act together.

[carhill]

If keeping things simple helps, just make a simple rule not to date/get involved while anyone is legally married. IIRC, Canada has a year waiting period after separation, or something like that so, until stamps of divorce exist, just don't go there. No prejudice. This simple rule saves a lot of needless analysis. You'll have lots of attractions in life. Being alone with a lovely child is a great place to be. Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey DOT--

 

I was just wondering about you the other day---

It seemed like you went from posting prolifically--to not being here at all.

 

I had a feeling something might be up with you.

 

Hey FS How are you doing?

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now---I know you tried really hard to make it work with your STBXH--you went above & beyond, and showed him much more patience than he deserved, given his behavior.

 

Thanks, it wasn't a fun ride.

 

My guess is that it's going to take you awhile to process everything, and regain a sense of stability. And you're right--grief can induce a state of temporary madness, and cloud judgment and critical thinking.

 

I watched this happen with a very close friend--she lost her partner of a decade to cancer---and almost immediately, a guy swooped in to play KISA

(Knight In Shining Armor) He had no respect or regard for the fact that she was grieiving---(the jerk actually complained to me that she "talked about ***** too much--it was "time to move on") (this was only TWO months after her partner passed away...)

 

Instead---he capitalized on the fact that she was grieving.A strong woman would never tolerate this guy's behavior.

 

The KISA is actually someone I've known longer than her---and I know how manipulative, selfish,and ultimately misogynistic the man is. I've had to stand on the sidelines helplessly, watching her get sucked in by him---knowing full well that his "Nice Guy" act is .......just an act. I'm already seeing the signs of emotional abuse---isolating her from her friends & support network,domineering the conversations, (he interrupts her, & she doesn't protest), invalidating her perceptions, and monopolizing her time, at a point in her life when she needs internal focus. (I'm close enough to see how the rest of her life has bee going to hell)

 

Bottom line--I think she made a decision about getting involved with someone new while under extreme duress. My fear is that it's going to bite her in the a** , in the long run.

 

I hope that your friend sees the light sooner then later and finds her own inner peace.

 

DOT, it sounds like you have a fairly good grasp on things. Your OP here shows that your intuition is working, even though you're going through hell right now. ((((DOT))) You had the insight (and instinct) to list all the reasons NOT to get involved with this guy right now---and the reasons you listed show sound judgment, and wisdom. #4,#5, #6, #8, and #9 on your list especially so.

(maybe you could print that out , and post it on your refrigerator, so it's in your face, as a constant reminder....)

 

LOL, I would love for my friends to see that up on my fridge.

 

Ha ha, they all know him too.

 

You've demonstrated here , with your postings, that you're a highly intelligent, & capable person with street smarts as well as book smarts.

I've observed you writing some very eloquent, and wise posts, just to help others out........

 

What if you wrote one of those posts to yourSELF---as if you were writing to another LSer, or a friend IRL? Your OP in this thread, was very insightful, and a good place to start. I'm going to recommend that you write another one.

 

LMAO, I actually thought about doing that sometimes. But I think today I have a very clear direction and have no further desire to drink the Kool-Aid.

 

At the risk of coming across like I'm lecturing--I'm going to say it anyways;

 

when you're viewing things through a sea of tears---the picture is likely to be distorted.Like looking through a pitcher of water---some things may seem larger than life.

 

You won't get a clear picture until the tears dry.

 

Thank you, totally solid.

 

If I may be blunt, you are finally rid of the cheating, addicted, immature husband you had and have a chance of getting your life together and eventually seeking a relationship with a healthy man. Don't waste your time, energy, emotions and heart on another addicted loser. Keep telling yourself that this time, you are going for someone that would be good for you and your child. Your child does not need these losers in his life. Don't start up something with this guy. Just stay away, and heal from your past marriage, and then seek out people who have their act together.

 

Yeah, I started seeing myself saying things to myself like that this guy's issues were relatively minor blah blah blah. That's partly where I thunked myself in the head because I have known him for years and saw what kind of person he was for real, outside of my own weird situation. What I saw wasn't what I would want for the long haul. I am glad I posted up instead of letting myself get ahead of myself.

 

I have no interest in pursuing a relationship at this time with anyone, healthy or not. My girl is #1.

 

If keeping things simple helps, just make a simple rule not to date/get involved while anyone is legally married. IIRC, Canada has a year waiting period after separation, or something like that so, until stamps of divorce exist, just don't go there. No prejudice. This simple rule saves a lot of needless analysis. You'll have lots of attractions in life. Being alone with a lovely child is a great place to be. Good luck.

 

Yes, the one year waiting period is correct. I believe that I can file in Feb, or even have the waiting period fast-tracked due to the circumstances. At this point I may be easily able to claim spousal abandonment as well.

 

And yes, the divorce is where the line should be set. I felt the old justification device behind my eyes starting to fire up, so I needed to just write it out and clear my head. Today after seeing my counselor and reviewing my relationship patterns and well as referencing my moral stances, there is no point in pursuing anything, especially with someone that has his own instability. That even helped snapped my brain out of Dreamland. I am not having the same reactions anymore. Problem solved