haVE HAD IT

[tanita]

hello everybody out threre

 

i have been married 3 monthe and i am starting to feel "and now what???"

i have been with my hubby 3 years ( WENT OUT BEFOR WE GOT MARRIED ) and now somehow i felel strange

 

we had the best honey moon - i wish it would always be like that

 

now i feel like terrible -a woman put under the strains of man ( especially in our culture ) and i have to do all to please him and he is such a ... i do not know

 

 

 

As some of you probably know i have been through a lot with this guy but now ...

what is worse is that i feel that my hubby feel the same way

we have sex 10 A WEEK

WAS A VIRGIN WHEN I MET HIM AND SEX IS VIP FOR ME

 

maybe am too naive and too stupid

[LILUIL]

uh oh.

 

anyways, was in bookshop today and came across a book called "i do. i did. now what" see if you can find it.

[Karlise13]

OK, well I am not surprised that you are feeling a bit 'shocky' after your big day.

 

There is a good book called 'Marriage Shock' (I forget the author, but try looking for it in the library or bookstore) that may help you understand the transistion from singledom to married.

 

Becoming a married couple takes time. The wedding does not make you a couple. Trial, error and time together makes you a couple.

There are many many things you will be discovering about each otther along the way and YES....there will still be surprises after three or four or fifteen years!

 

Some people change after marriage. They feel differently about themselves, they perceive their partner differently, the feel the weight of all the expectations about marriage that each partner brings with them into the new relationship.

 

Marriage requires that you sit down and have some serious, scary talks about what's bothering you. Everything can't be sweet and easy and honeymoon-y all the time. You will have to negotiate many complicated psychological and emotional territories.

 

No one is perfect; there will be times your partner disappoints you, or fails to meet your needs in some way.

 

If you find you simply don't know how to communicate with your new husband, you might consider couples or marriage counseling. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Myself, I am not married. I don't care to have a wedding and all that. But I am in a committed relationship of 4+ years and we do live together and act as a married couple. I have to say that years 1 and 2 were really great but year 3 was rocky. We survived, moved past it and are stronger now because of it.

 

Hang in and good luck

[Rightlymia]

What's it like then? You're just going through the daily routine? Work,Sex, Sleep, etc??

[moimeme]

Well, sometimes yes. Sometimes you go do interesting things together. But you enjoy the companionship of your spouse, which is why you're together. In the best of relationships, it's the company of the other - even if you're not doing anything and even if you're just in the same room doing completely different things - that is enjoyable.

[Karlise13]

It took time for us to develop a daily routine.

 

In the beginning, everything was romance. Well, that can't be turned on all the time. We have to work, sometimes we're tired, sometimes we both just need a little space and quiet.

 

In the beginning we often read each other wrong. Sometimes hurt feelings would result.

 

At certain points I felt bored with the relationship. I even told one of my friends, "If I were in my twenties this is the point at which I'd bail"

 

I really didn't know a lot about long term relationships. Sad to say but by my thirties, the longest I'd ever been with someone was two years.

 

I had to learn to trust that the quiet times were normal. That passion would come back. That we could still find things to talk about. I had to learn to let go of some expectations. You can't control everything. You have to let the person be who they are. As trust grows, surprising things happen. You find yourself laughing harder than you ever though possible! Sex becomes even better than before! At the same time, one of you or the other pushes the envelope and fights can become more intense. YOu say things you never thought you would.

 

There is a certain amount of routine in a long term relationship. There has to be for it to survive.

That said, if you feel bored and like 'now what?' try looking at yourself and what you bring to the relationship.

 

Someone once said that if you feel bored it's because you're being boring. People who are creative and have numerous interests and who constantly challenge themselves are rarely bored.

Have you yourself fallen into a routine? Do you come home from work, flip on the TV and wait to be entertained?

Or do you come up with new fun things to try?

 

Try telling your husband, "Listen, let's take off for the weekend, go to the beach, spend the night in a cheap motel, let's get drunk and play miniature golf.."

 

Surprise him with something out of character!

Don't wait for him to come up with all the ideas!

 

It's also important to have your 'own' time where you spend time with friends or hobbies away from your partner. That's just my own opinion. If I were with my boyfriend 24/7 some of the allure would definitely be gone. I like to be able to miss him.

[befuddled11]

 

 

Tanita:

 

Tons and tons of us tried to bring to your attention, over the past year, that your relationship was screwed up, that you were too young to be married and that the very basic foundation of "trust" was not there. You posted tons of stuff that caused us to beg you to reconsider getting married, but obviously that was all a huge waste of time because you went ahead and married him, and as I'm sure most of us could have predicted, here you are complaining about marriage. Big surprise. And a newsflash for you....the honeymoon is the honeymoon.....it's not how marriage is going to be after that.

 

It's a shame you decided to get married....when you're obviously so young and apparently have a LOT to learn about relationships and marriage. There's no point now complaining about your marriage. You made the choice to do it, now deal with the consequences.