Boyfriend Still in Contact with All His Exes and "Ex-bonks"

[sallina]

Hi

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is a really great guy and we get on very very well. There is one thing though, that really drives me through the wall!!!!!

 

He is still in contact with quite a few exes and a few casual bonks which means they send him the odd sms and have a chat with him!

 

I find this extremely disrespectful, maybe wouldn't mind if it was one ex that used to be really close to him but all of them????

 

Please tell me what you think.

 

Thanks so much!

[masemaid]

what i think is you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Now if there just friends and nothing more such as sexual chatting then your fine.Let him know...you have been together for 2 years...don't try to do evil for evil either...that doesn't work. Be an adult about the situation and let him know.If he is a great guy..and if he loves you....he will understand.Trust me!!!!

Approach him in a mature manner...serious..no jokes and let him know that you don't like that and you feel uncomfortable about it.

[Love2share]

Trust me. You would not rather he contact just one of them rather than all of them. I mean, you should read my thread for the problem I have with just "one of them."

 

With your situation, at least you know he's equally respectful to all of them. He's not giving any one of them more attention than the other. To me, that is a true sign of friendliness. And the fact that he hasn't left any of them with such bad ways that they would never want to speak to him again shows his character is really good.

 

As long as he's not flirting with any of them, and as long as none of them are still in love with him, you don't have anything to worry about. Do they know how much he loves you? If so, then you're good to go. Is he hiding anything from you? If not, then you are really good to go! No worries.

[sallina]

hey chocolatcupcake

 

thanks for your advice. I will have to read up about your post as well as you seem to have a similar problem

 

It's just such a pity that my boyfriend and I love each other so much and are so competible but that we cannot see eye to eye on this one and I feel my pulse go up to 1000 when he

receives an sms from an ex. (I mean it happens maybe every 5 months or so, but still!!)

[Love2share]

....but it's still me :-)

 

Anyway, I understand what you mean. This is the type of situation where your self esteem needs to be really sharp. I mean, it doesn't really sound like there is a huge problem like he's trying to be unfaithful or anything.

 

In any case where you know someone from your past still likes you and wants to stay in touch with you, it makes you feel warm and tingly inside. It will build your ego. I think your BF is getting this from the ex's. It's not that he wants to be unfaithful. But it makes him feel good to know that he could....if he wanted to. On a deeper scale of thinking, without this feeling, he wouldn't be able to choose you.

 

The choice comes when you know you have a choice. If you take all the attention away that makes him feel desired, he will feel like he's stuck with you. And is only with you because no one else wants him. That would not be good for you; because you want to feel honored that he chose you. You don't really want a man that nobody else wants.

 

He needs to feel good about himself in order to make you feel honored. As long as he's not allowing these women to disrespect you, or talking negatively about you to them or, anything like that, he's okay.

[Pyrannaste]

I feel my pulse go up to 1000 when he

receives an sms from an ex. (I mean it happens maybe every 5 months or so, but still!!)

 

Do chats with exes happen every 5 months or so?

Then you don't really have anything to worry about.

Hearing from each other every 5 months is NOT being in close contact.

[RackEmUp]

I agree with the others. Sounds like your bf is a nice, friendly guy who can break up without burning any bridges. And he doesn't have a special little psycho EX that he uses as a permanent fallback and shoulder to cry on when you two are having a rough patch. (See the posts about Linh.) And he is in rare contact with them. And he keeps it clean, just hi, how are you, how are things. (Right?)

 

Talk this through with him in a calm way, and please be aware that nobody here considers this disrespectful or a threat to you. And please, don't let this one non-issue get between you and your great guy that you are so happy with. If he gives you every reason to be secure in his love...then please, give him the gift of learning to be secure. Try it, it feels GREAT!

[sallina]

hey rackemup and all the others; thank you so much!

 

Your posts have been incredibly helpful!

 

In fact, my boyfriend and I share this great love and I have never been treated like this and never felt so happy in my life before. I'm pretty and everything but my last boyfriends were all playing power games with me and putting me down at occasions.

 

We have been together for two years and I didn't believe this kind of love existed.

 

With the twist that I hate the thought of him "having a past". I somehow want it all to myself. His love, his touch, his smiles. Despite the fact that he tells me that he has been waiting for someone like me and that "one-night-stands" and such don't mean anything (I have never had one), I hate the fact that he had a past! Stupid I know.

 

Anyway, I spent half the time of our relationship asking and asking and asking about his past "girls". "did you love her? why did you shag her if you didn't etc etc.! EXPLODING when he received an sms about every half a year for his birthday or asking how he was (it was never more than that and he didn't meet up with these people). It happened twice that I met exes at a party (unexpected) and I lost it!

 

Anyway, he has been patient so far. I was diagnosed with HPV virus 2 months ago which made the whole matter so much worse and I wouldn't give him a break about his past!!

 

Until I really lost it when he got an sms from an ex last Thursday, congratulating him on his birthday (one month ago).

 

He sat down with me and said: "look, I don't want this! I love you but you are killing my love for you and I cannot get peace around you. I have given you everything I could and you still don't feel safe in this relationship - so, that's YOUR problem"

 

I was DEVASTATED that he would talk to me like this. I was so SCARED this relationship was over and I just cried a whole day but he didn't seem to care!

 

That was on the weekend and he has started kissing me again, not slept with me yet though.

 

In a nutshell: i hope I haven't spoilt everything yet and have learnt a lesson!

 

Hope for me that my relationship will stand the test! Thanks!

[RackEmUp]

I was DEVASTATED that he would talk to me like this.

Perhaps it is because you are young and insecure. For him to be so honest with you - even knowing that it might cause you to "blow" - well, he said that because that was a very important message that needed to be said - and that you needed to hear. The more I hear about this guy - he sounds like a keeper.

 

Try looking at Thinkalot's threads, or messaging her. She had the same "inecurity about exes" problem, and has found ways to cope. And please let your BF know you have a problem with this, and you know it's your problem, and you are doing your best to work on it. He'll support you, I am sure.

 

I just cried a whole day but he didn't seem to care!

I am quite sure he does care, but he also appears to have the strength not to get sucked into your insecurity loop. Are your tears an honest, spontaneous expression of your emotion, or are they a deliberate way to send a message? Like maybe, "Comfort me", "You've hurt me", "I don't know how to control you", or worst of all, "Change your behavior."? If you're using tears as a tool, stop it, and try using words. Sounds like this guy actually LISTENS.