Secret from when we were Dating

[Discjockey80]

Hello all, new here and wanted to get some perspective and advice.

 

My background- Been married to my wife for 6 years. Togeather 8 years total. 2 boys- A 2 mo. old and 3 yr old.

 

The first year my wife and I were togeather I was finishing up school toward my degree. Lived about 30 min from her. I worked and studied, we went out togeather on the weekends, etc.

 

I became friends with a girl I worked with and had classes with shortly after my wife and I started dating. About 4 months after I got to know this girl she invited me to a party one evening at her place. After most of the guests left we hung out, got pretty tipsy and ended up naked, and fooling around. We had 'oral sex' and then fell asleep. Middle of the night I woke up, FELT HORRIBLE about it and decided to leave. She wanted me to stay and have full blown intercourse. I refused and stated the obvious that what we did was wrong. Then abruptly left. No excuse for what I did.

 

I question whether I should tell my wife. It's been over 7 years. We were dating.

 

Is it worth drudging something like this up in our marriage?

 

We have had a very good marriage. I love my wife very very much. But there is this matter in my mind and obviously the guilt is there.

[findingnemo]

Welcome, DJ.

 

*Nemo scratching her head* Why oh why would you still be feeling guilty? This is an instance where I think you'd be getting rid of your guilt by dumping some really disturbing information on your W. But let me not jump the gun. If you were to tell her, what exactly would you say to her? What's the plan?

[norajane]

Easing your guilty conscience is not your wife's responsibility. Don't dump this on her now, especially when she's probably super hormonal after just giving birth, and probably also feeling less desirable with her post-baby figure.

 

Why not ease your conscience by helping her care for your 2 month old child, and your 3 year old? Why not ease your conscience by being the best husband you can be?

 

Go see a priest if you need to confess. Better yet, see a therapist to help you deal with your issues.

 

findingnemo asks a great question: why are you feeling so guilty now and why do you want to tell her now?

 

If you tell her now, to her it will feel like you cheated today. At the same time, she will feel like her whole marriage has been a lie and she has been living with a liar. Which she has. Why didn't you tell her then?

Edited November 10, 2011 by norajane

[Discjockey80]

nemo-

 

Thats part of what I ask myself. Why? If it's none other than just feeling bad about something that long ago and prior to us even making a long-term commitment then maybe it's better off left alone.

 

nj- Good points. Hence my wondering if it will just do more harm and ruin our marriage.

[RiverRunning]

My feeling is that one instance of infidelity, never repeated and much regretted, is not something you should bring up in your marriage. Like all the others said, it's going to feel like you cheated NOW. That guilt you feel? That is your lifetime punishment for what you did, and you are going to have to learn to deal with it. You don't get to dump your grief on your wife while you have two small children and, besides your activities a few months into your relationship, you have been an otherwise faithful husband.

 

The lesson from here on out is that you treat your wife very well and you never take her for granted. You act like she is the only woman in the world. You avoid situations which might tempt you in the future.

 

If this had been an ongoing affair, my advice might be different. But it was once, you feel guilty about it (and presumably will never do this again), it was early on in the relationship, and it was several years ago.

[syz]

your marriage is a lie. you know it she doesn't. she married you thinking you'd been faithful. would you have married her anyway knowing she had blown a guy? you should have told her then. you should tell her now because honestly its a lie that will rot your marriage. she loves the guy she thinks you are not the guy you are and deep down you know that. quite simply you stole her choice to have an honest marriage. It isn't about your conscience it's about her choice. if she'd divorce you if she knew then you need to tell tell her so she can divorce you ... or not.

[whichwayisup]

Hello all, new here and wanted to get some perspective and advice.

 

My background- Been married to my wife for 6 years. Togeather 8 years total. 2 boys- A 2 mo. old and 3 yr old.

 

The first year my wife and I were togeather I was finishing up school toward my degree. Lived about 30 min from her. I worked and studied, we went out togeather on the weekends, etc.

 

I became friends with a girl I worked with and had classes with shortly after my wife and I started dating. About 4 months after I got to know this girl she invited me to a party one evening at her place. After most of the guests left we hung out, got pretty tipsy and ended up naked, and fooling around. We had 'oral sex' and then fell asleep. Middle of the night I woke up, FELT HORRIBLE about it and decided to leave. She wanted me to stay and have full blown intercourse. I refused and stated the obvious that what we did was wrong. Then abruptly left. No excuse for what I did.

 

I question whether I should tell my wife. It's been over 7 years. We were dating.

 

Is it worth drudging something like this up in our marriage?

 

We have had a very good marriage. I love my wife very very much. But there is this matter in my mind and obviously the guilt is there.

 

Tough situation to be in..Can I ask why now it's on your mind? Is the other girl a factor in this, meaning, you've seen or run into her somewhere and you're scared she's going to tell your wife?

 

After 6 years of marriage, 2 kids under the age 4, I wouldn't say anything unless you're a 100% sure you are ready for the fallout. You two were dating, not married. And of course you know you did a real stupid thing by fooling around with someeone else .. I just don't see how telling your wife is going to do any good unless you're also afraid that one day you'll cheat on her again? Relieving your own guilt by telling, courageous, but just know if you tell, you could very well lose everything you have now.

 

How far in were you in the 'dating' stage with her when this happened? Was there any talk of marriage before you cheated?

[whichwayisup]

nemo-

 

Thats part of what I ask myself. Why? If it's none other than just feeling bad about something that long ago and prior to us even making a long-term commitment then maybe it's better off left alone.

 

nj- Good points. Hence my wondering if it will just do more harm and ruin our marriage.

 

Oh it will ruin your marriage all right. Your wife will be quite upset and feel betrayed, she'll question every single thing said and done since you two got engaged.

 

Learn to live with your guilt (counselling) or just suck it up and focus on being the best damn husband you can be, the best father and family man. Adore and appreciate your wife every single day. Be thankful for her and let her know how much you love and adore her. Focus on what you have now, not the stupid selfish dumbass mistake you made while you were dating her.

[Afishwithabike]

nemo-

 

Thats part of what I ask myself. Why? If it's none other than just feeling bad about something that long ago and prior to us even making a long-term commitment then maybe it's better off left alone.

 

nj- Good points. Hence my wondering if it will just do more harm and ruin our marriage.

 

If you were engaged or married when this situation with the other girl happened, I would advise that you reveal the secret.

 

However, this happened while you were dating. It doesn't make what you did right. It's still an unkind, disloyal thing to do. But you weren't exclusive to each other. You hadn't made any promise to forsake all others.

 

If you have otherwise been a faithful husband then I say let sleeping dogs lie. Revealing this information now will do more harm than good. What good would come out of this? Nothing as far as I can see plus you'll cause your wife a lot of grief.

 

Be the best husband you can be. Be the best father you can be. Keep good boundaries with female friends and female co-workers. Getting drunk is no excuse to have sex with another woman. Don't resume contact with this woman. Be a man of honor and integrity. Be someone your wife can trust.

[ErgoStep]

I am gravely concerned about the negativity here.

 

Dude, tons of people sleep around before marriage. It's not something to brag about, although some people do.

 

Women usually disapprove, men might give you a high five.

 

"Your marriage is a lie" is complete bull****. You've been with her for a long time, you've got two kids, you're holding a steady course.

 

It's strange to me that you have internal guilt about this. See if you can calm down a little, and be at peace with yourself.

 

I wouldn't tell the wife. It hardly matters at this point.

[ScienceGal]

As a woman, in a lovely marriage as you describe, I would not want to know about a one night stand from 7 years ago. All it will do is ease you're guilt a tiny bit and probably upset her a great deal. Nothing positive comes of this.

 

Providing this was a one time thing way back when you were only dating, do not tell her. Keep being a great husband and father.

 

Good luck.

[Arabella]

Part of me wants to say that since it's been such a long time and he has been faithful in their marriage, it's probably best not to say anything.

 

However, as a woman, I would want to know. Yes, it will devastate her, but she DOES have the right to know. Would she have married you if she had known of your cheating? Perhaps... but that was her choice to make, and you took it away.

 

My advice is to just tell her. Apologize and reassure her of your love, and hope that your merits as a husband are enough for her to want to forgive you.

 

-A