I'm the OW with my hubby's Married best friend!

[helpless here]

[font=arial][/font][color=green][/color]For starters my situation could go in to several categories here Infidelity and OW. But it’s the OW part that has me concerned! I’m new to this (posting) and I need advice but after reading a few of the posts and their replies I’ve been very hesitant. But I need advice and help here so here goes nothing. I have been seeing my husband’s best friend for a little over 6 mths now – and he to is married.

 

Let me try to explain some of this quickly – my hubby and I have 3 children whom are active in sports, school, church and ect.. My hubby’s best friend whom let’s call -Jack – between him and his wife they have 4 children though not together (previous marriages) – and their children are involved in the exact same things ours are. We are constantly entwined in each other’s lives because of kids, (our kids and theirs are all best friends, some are even in the same class), we all attend same church, just everything is connected somehow. Anyways, Jack’s wife and I converse often when we see each other – but other than that I wouldn’t call her a friend just and acquaintance.

 

The relationship between Jack and I really isn’t a relationship – it’s more of a sexual pleasure I suppose. We never talk of the future or anything really, it’s just more less sex. Though I do find myself thinking of him sometimes and that sort of things though I know I would never want a serious relationship with this man. You see my husband and I have been married for 12 yrs and have separated several times. The last time we separated I had left him for OM (whom was not married) I just fell for this guy and my husband never seemed to be there for me or the kids at any time. My husband is a good person he just prefers to work constantly. Well after I moved out – he decided he wanted revenge so he had me sent to jail for 2mths for fraudulent charges, well I finally had all this taken care of and charges dropped but I didn’t want my boyfriend at the time involved in such a mess I dropped things with him. (Which I regret) Afterwards I moved back home with my parents for about a yr (my kids stayed with their dad due to school and ect. – my parents lived about 2 hrs away) I tried starting a new life and making things work for me – meanwhile my husband started dating as well! He was dating –Jack’s- wife’s best friend. They were getting rather serious because they were wanting to get a place together and then she decided she wasn’t ready for a relationship so they broke things off! Well then he decided he wanted me back so he called and begged and promised he would be better and that we both had changed. I went for it – this has now been just at a yr that I have been back with him. And now things are basically the way they were before but I have no clue as what to do.

 

I really don’t want too be the cause of hurting so many lives but I see where I can be at this point. Not only my family but Jack’s as well. Jack and I don’t even speak to each other in public due to the fact were afraid someone will notice we have something going on – which at times to me seems more obvious because we use to play around together all the time and now we rarely speak. My husband doesn’t know anything is going on neither does Jack’s wife, NO ONE does and it’s killing me! I have no one to speak to. Advice here is greatly appreciated!

[Karlise13]

I would strongly recommend you get counseling to help sort out the myriad of emotions and involvements you have going on here.

 

Really, you sound very unhappy and confused about your behavior.

 

My feeling is that sooner or later you will get busted and then ALL hell will break loose.

 

I'd highly recommend you extricate yourself from this situation as soon as possible.

 

You need other outlets for you loneliness/boredom/confusion and unfortunately, have not yet found some more productive ones.

[supermom]

what do you think his wife is going to do WHEN she finds out?

 

Good luck - you'll need it!

[helpless here]

I thank you both for your replies - I realize that I may be bored with my current situation and need help! And thank you for not criticizing my actions! I'm just at a loss to what exactly to do! Recently, I have ignored all involvement with this man and family till I can think more clearly and responsibly! But I'm still unsure for the reasons of my actions? I think he may feel the same - it's just like I said before more less a sexual relationship to the both of us. My question somewhat now is - If I really loved my husband would I still be doing these things ? And I live in a very small town and there are really no therapist to speak of, or I would sought help - this is the only relief I can get at this time! So thank you for your help!

[Karlise13]

Living in a small town is hard. I lived in one for many years and it seems everyone knew everyone.

 

Is there a major city within driving distance where you can see a therapist? I lived in a itty bitty town in upstate NY....but I could still get to larger cities like Syracuse or Rochester. Any major city or large suburb should have therapists.

 

Doing 'bad' stuff doesn't mean we don't care about our loved ones; it usually means we don't care enough about OURSELVES when we engage in destructive behavior.

[RackEmUp]

I wouldn't even bother with the question about whether your behavior indicates lack of love for your husband. I see two separate, related problems:

 

* Your dissatisfaction with your marriage

* Your pain and fear about the consequences of your relationship with Jack

 

I would recommend the following course of action:

 

1. Break it off with Jack so you can concentrate on rebuilding your life, with less stress

2. Throw yourself into fixing your marriage. Try http://www.divorcebusting.com. It has a lot of things that you, or you and your H, can do without a therapist.

3. Give it 6-8 months and evaluate where you are. If you don't see big changes that make you feel very hopeful about the future, try something totally different.

 

Therapists are definitely not a panacea. They can actually cause more problems than they solve.

 

Good luck!

[Cutie314]

I hope you realize you are about to DESTROY many lives with what you are doing.

 

You are incredibly selfish and need help. I know beause I have been in a similar sitution. You will reap the consequences of this choice for the rest of your life.

 

Good luck.

[helpless here]

Again - thank you for all of your replies and advice! I did visit the website that was stated and hoping it may help. I am trying to set myself away from -Jack- though it is hard because of our children's activities are all involved together. Though I have kept my distance and hope to keep it this way. I know I do feel guilt over this relationship thus forth why I came here looking for answers! I do not want to destroy no ones life - I feel like I'm being self destructive on my own!

 

Though with me keeping my distance -Jack- now is not communicating with my husband! My husband seems to think it has to do with him or something he's done and has no clue to why his friend is avoiding him! That makes me feel more guilt, I just try telling my Husband maybe he is just busy, but he's really not buying that - so I feel just as confused as ever! I was sure that Jack had no other feeling other than sexual in our relationship, so why is he giving all of us the cold shoulder? Like I said before we never mentioned anything as far as futures or seriousness to our seeing each other! So, what now?

[Cutie314]

Talk to Jack. Tell him exactly what you want to happen. Try to be sensitive to his feelings, but realize what you have to do to keep your life together. Realize it didn't happen overnight, and it won't be fixed overnight either. It's going to be really hard. I hope everything works out for you, as I have seen what happend when the s*** hits the fan...

[supermom]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39573/

[helpless here]

Cutie314 - Thank you for your advice! We are at least talking now in public again - but it's hard for me at times! I never realized I had more feelings for him than just the sex! When we see each other we act as if nothing never happened ! And it is literally killing me inside at times! Though I know what must be done - walk away! Quietly! (Sometime if you could please share your story with me I would be interested)

 

Supermom - I read your forum and I understand where you come from - though I can't explain what happens once an affair is involved - I realize it's easy to critique someone unless you have walked in their shoes! Then the story changes! I'm sorry you feel so uncomfortable on the subject though reading these posts what do you expect ! No one is perfect! And we are all here to help one another not criticize them for their actions!

[Cutie314]

I hope that now that you know you have feelings for Jack, you realize the severity of the issue. As hard as it is, you need to refocus your energy for Jack into something more constructive.

 

-Whenever the thought of Jack comes up, change the channel in your head.

 

-Start up a a new hobby WITH your husband.

 

-Go on a vacation as a family or even just a day together doing something fun

 

-Write down your feelings as they come up (if you can't help but think about the situation) and then burn them or destroy them somehow. It helps I promise

 

-Be aware of what you are lacking in you marraige...obviously some need is not being met, and you MUST vocalize that.

 

-If you can, trust in a family member to be your voice of reason.

 

Let me know how it goes! Hope I helped!

[slimmontana]

You are so Twisted!! No respect For any kind of boundaries!! You need some serious psycho therapy! God have mercy on you!

[helpless here]

Slimmontana - thanks for your concerns! But I don't believe you judging me or my actions to be very liberated! Judging people is to a sin - so to say God have Mercy on me - you should be saying this to yourself as well. You do not understand what is like to be in other people's positions for you to respond rudely is unconsideratation for other people! If you do not believe in things of this nature - why read the posts in this section! No one is making you read any of these or try to understand them! So do us all a favor and keep your advice to what you know and what you have been through personally!

[slimmontana]

What's done is done...But u have to realize that something has to be wrong internally for you to do something like that...You have to really evaluate yourself to see what can possibly bring you to do something like this. This decisin to sleep with your husband's best friend can alter so many lives in a Negative way! You have kids involved! The emotional scars that can come out of this situation can bring lifelong damage. Your being inconsiderate to your husband kids to his wife all in the name of SEX!!! I'm not pasing judgement because I'm far from perfect but I just know that there are certain things that I would never do. There's not enough drugs in the world to get me to a point where I can do some of the stuff you are tlaking about. Theres passing judgement and there is telling it like it is! Situations like this you can't deal with it with kiddie gloves so I can't hold no punches. By god have I mercy...I mean I hope you can somehow find something good out of this crazy situation. That's it in a nutshell.

[supermom]

Originally posted by helpless here

Cutie314 - Thank you for your advice! We are at least talking now in public again - but it's hard for me at times! I never realized I had more feelings for him than just the sex! When we see each other we act as if nothing never happened ! And it is literally killing me inside at times! Though I know what must be done - walk away! Quietly! (Sometime if you could please share your story with me I would be interested)

 

Supermom - I read your forum and I understand where you come from - though I can't explain what happens once an affair is involved - I realize it's easy to critique someone unless you have walked in their shoes! Then the story changes! I'm sorry you feel so uncomfortable on the subject though reading these posts what do you expect ! No one is perfect! And we are all here to help one another not criticize them for their actions!

 

Sorry, but I have been the wife cheated on, and you can see how I would be so bitter. Also, I was pregnant at the time with our daughter, so I see it as not only did he cheat on me, but he cheated on our daughter.

 

He's damn lucky we're still together.....we're working on it, but an affair always destroys families, no matter if you've been in their shoes or not. I am bitter because I was the unknowing wife.

[mrs.sarah]

sounds like you need to give Jerry Springer a call...

[helpless here]

First off - Supermom - I am sorry to hear of your of your circumstance with your husband! But believe it or not having affairs are really common - just look at all these posts! I came here to get things off my chest and to get advice and not be thrown into the fire for the things I have done! But me alone - I am not the only guilty party here! Though I understand where some of you come from - I have thought of the shoe being on the other foot!

 

I apologize that alot of you feel as though I am a bad person! But I am not!!!! And there is nothing wrong with me internally - I just want what most people want! To feel loved and appreciated! And when you don't get that at home you tend to look for it else where!

[Debster]

I for one would hate to believe that having affairs are common. I'm not naieve, I know that affairs happen. I just hope to god it doesn't happen to me and my fiance. Reading this forum does open my eyes up to a lot of things I would normally not know about. I guess by some standards I have led a sheltered life.

 

I just want what most people want! To feel loved and appreciated! And when you don't get that at home you tend to look for it else where!

 

Everybody wants and deserves love. However, you have to admit that what you are doing is destroying someone else's love. How can you justify doing that in the name of love?

 

If you don't love your husband - get out. Noone needs to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

I believe that in order to receive love, you need to first love yourself and feel worthy of love. I feel really badly for a lot of OW, because they either don't believe they deserve to find someone who will love them 100%, or they fool themselves into believing that what little they can get from some MM is good enough for them. Or - the excuse I find the most upsetting - that they can't control their actions or, are helpless to stop it. This to me is just so sad. Why do you feel you aren't strong enough or confident enough to get out of a bad situation and search for something that you have a right to - 100% love and devotion from a partner.

 

Surely you believe you are worthy of this, don't you?

[Matilda]

Forget about the other man, I can't get over your husband having you put in jail!!!! I say forget about both of these men, get yourself together, go to counseling, etc. Once you have a better idea of who you are and what you want, then decide whether you really want either of them.