popelp21 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 If you found out that your wife has cheated on you at least a dozen times, but only had to go on what others have told you, would you leave her? Or, would you have to have proof that she really cheated? What would you do to get that proof?? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Hello, If you honestly believed that your wife has sexually cheated on you at least 12 times then I think you would have to be out of your mind to stay with her. If she has done this then it is a matter of time before she gives you some STD's. In addition, if this is true that your marriage is one big lie. Apparently she is very good at lying to you. If this is true, then she enjoys humiliating and disrespecting you. Do you feel special that she is your wife? Your story is very sad. If this is true, then you would have to be masochistic to stay with someone who has screwed 12 other men while being married to you. How can you feel good about her? How can you feel good about yourself? You don't deserve such humiliation and disdain from your wife. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Who are the people who are telling you she's cheating? Are these friends? Family members? Are these trustworthy sources? If you believe the sources of the information, then it is time to confront your wife. IF she's a cheater, then obviously her vows mean nothing to her. Obviously, she doesn't care about your feelings or your health. She is putting you at risk with her behavior. Cheaters always find reasons to validate their behavior; "I didn't mean to but..." "It just kind of happened..." "I was confused" but it basically comes down to the fact that their marriage is not a priority anymore. If she has in fact cheated on you a dozen times, ask yourself what you could possibly get out of staying? Don't you deserve to be respected and loved? I'd bail if it were me Link to post Share on other sites
Author popelp21 Posted May 22, 2004 Author Share Posted May 22, 2004 Acutally, this is a friend of mine that I'm very close to. I basically said the same thing to him the other day, but he is SO hurt right now. He's says he has to have "proof". Is that a guy thing?? He said that she acts as if everything is normal. They have been married about 11 years and dated for 7. She basically has cheated their entire marriage. I told him that she behaves normally because she has always cheated and lied to him, but says he still needs proof. I'm trying to help him obtain this proof, but he is still in denial about eveything and doesn't want to accept what she has done. They do not have children, but he is extremely close to her family. What can I do to help his accept this. He is a wonderful man and could have any woman he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author popelp21 Posted May 22, 2004 Author Share Posted May 22, 2004 The people who actually told him of the affairs were her best friends. He says he still loves her and hasn't been able to let go of that. I just don't understand how he can stay. I just want a guy to tell me why....why in the hell would he stay???? What do you think has to happen in order for him to accept this and move on with his life? One day he will say that he wants to catch her and then the next he isn't sure. He says he doesn't know if he is in denial or is just not able to accept what she has done. Should I continue to try to help him catch her? He has asked me to befriend her and maybe he can catch her that way. Or should I just leave this guy alone and let him deal with this on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Hello, Your friend knows but down deep does not really want to know for sure because then some action would be called for. It is sad that he loves a woman who made a complete mockery of his marriage and clearly shows utter contempt and disdain for him. She apparently is a cakewoman who enjoys being married and acting single at the same time. I am sure he knows in his heart it is true. He would have to be in big time denial not to know in his gut. The bottom line is that he would rather be with this woman who humliates him by cheating on him througout the marriage and putting his health at risk then actually finding someone else who could truly love and respect him. I would suggest to him that he seek therapy to understand why he feels he deserves so little in his life and why he would wish to love a person who shows utter contempt for him and his marriage. Your friend is a very sad person. He apparently does not mind sharing his wife with other men as long as she stays with him. He is co-dependent and willing to accept anythings\ as long as she stays. If he does not respect himself then who will? I would suggest that you back off because he really does not want proof because he will never accept it. The sad part is that he does not see this because he is in such huge denial. What a waste of potential happiness for him. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 Popelp... I suggest that you get together with some of your mutual friends, tell them what you know (if they don't know already) and do one of the following: 1) Pool your money and hire a PI to get some hard evidence. 2) A few of you sit her down and tell her you know she's cheated on your friend. That'll probably take her by surprise, and she may say something like "how did you know"? If she says that, tell her you're not going to disclose that. Two of my friends tried that on my TBXW and it worked like a charm. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted May 22, 2004 Moderators Share Posted May 22, 2004 No way would I go if she's done that. IF I were him, I'd box HER crap up, let her know the shxt was being boxed up and leave it by the door. But not before changing the locks. If she comes around after the fact, have him go out and buy a big mean dog, that likes loose ladies to chew on. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 It's time people start realizing that infedelity in relationships is absolutely going to happen. It's not about karma and the circle of life. You could be the most perfect person in the world, and your mate will still cheat on you. Gauranteed !!!! The question is..Do you really want to know for sure that she's cheating? Can you handle the proof. I'm sure there are various ways you could get proof if you really want it. You could leave your wife and move on to some other woman. Unless you find a woman who's not attrative, extremly shy, unsuccessful, or mentally ill, that new woman will cheat on you too. The more desireable a person is, the more they can, and will cheat. Think about that. You should tell your cheating wife that you are hip to the program. Give her permission to cheat. But make sure that she is fair enough to let you cheat as well. There's no reason to break up the marriage. Everyone just needs to be satisfied and happy. Stop breaking up and going around in circles. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted May 22, 2004 Moderators Share Posted May 22, 2004 Thanks for the input cupcake. Please tell me you're saying those things to get us all going. LOL If you're not ... and you seriously believe what you're saying there ... well ... all I can say is I'm sorry. Clearly, you've been so hurt by that dude in the past, that you've become totally disillusioned about the prospects for a truly monogamous, trusting, relationship in which your partner and yourself are loyal to each other. Hunn, I know you probably don't see the need at all, and probably consider us bleeding hearts for saying what we are, BUT, I hope you can get some counselling or something to help you with your trust issues. NOW, if you are just tryin' to play devil's advocate or something along those lines, fair enough. I guess we all get our jollies somehow. It's all good in da hood. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted May 22, 2004 Share Posted May 22, 2004 I really do believe these things. And don't get me wrong. I'm not trying be negative to the point where I don't believe in loyalty and trust. I do have trust. I trust that nobody's perfect. And based on the reason's I listed above, infedelity will happen. Loyalty for me is knowing that my partner trust me enough to share his life with me. That means the desire to be with other people and everything. I've never dated an ignorant, unattractive, or unssuccessful person. Therefore, I've always been cheated on. The hurt comes not from my partner having "sex" with someone else. But it comes from them being dishonest with me. Not trusting me to understand their feelings. It's not really cheating if we all just embrace, and accept infidelity. Then no one takes it personal and gets hurt too badly when things don't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author popelp21 Posted May 23, 2004 Author Share Posted May 23, 2004 I appreciate all the posts. I think his biggest problem is that he is a great looking guy and the girls that have told him these things just wanted him. He trusts me to tell him the truth. But, one day he will tell me to try to help him find out and then the next he starts chickening out. I guess what I really need to know is do I keep trying. I gave him more information the other day and he really wanted to hear all of it, told me not to leave anything out. Well, I got him the information and he did nothing. He wants to walk in on her. But then again, I'm not sure that he really wants to. Maybe I just need to make it happen anyway. He would be better off if he finds out and moves on with his life now. As it stands, he is in limbo. I did meet with her like you said to do and did tell her I knew she cheated and she told me a little but was vague and didn't really trust me yet. But just the one meeting with her I realized that she has cheated with several different guys and that basically a lot of people knew about it anyway. See he is kind of quiet and doesn't go out much so he doesn't run into people that she knows so that is how she gets away with it. Well the problem is the other day I basically told him, everyone knows and she's made a fool out of you your entire marriage and the reason she acts normal all the time is because she has cheated and lied the entire marriage. Well to say the least, he didn't speak to me for almost two days. He said he wasn't mad, but I believe it was a big wake up call and a slap in the face to him. I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to move on and realize how horrible she has done him. What's really holding him back. He's told me that he felt like if he walked away from her that he'd not miss her but then he also has told me that he loves her and has not been able to let that go. So do you think proof will even make a difference??? Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 [color=brown][font=times new roman]I'm sorry your friend is having trouble letting go of this relationship. Have you ever watched or heard of the tv show cheaters? He can go to http://www.cheaters.com and they will help him get everything he needs to catch her 'in the act'. Of course, if they are chosen for the show....the whole world will know, but I think he needs to see this show at least once. It is a real eye opener. Good luck and thanks for being a good friend. He is really going to need your support when he has a 'light bulb' moment![/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 [color=0][color=green]It's not your marriage. Sounds like you've already done enough. Now just let him do whatever he thinks is best. Sometimes, the worst thing about being cheated on is knowing you're being cheated on, and not being able to do anything to stop it. Your guy should really follow my advice. You never know !!!! He may already be cheating on her :-) May be he's keeping that so private that you don't even know. Sometimes it's ironic. Either way..stay out of it.[/color][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
DavidCM Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 You're not married anymore. You are sharing living quarters with a person to whom you owe, and from whom you can claim, certain legal rights and responsibilities. The marriage in a spiritual and emotional sense is over. All that is left are sorting out the legal aspects. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts