worried and upset

[beccibaxter]

hi all,

im married to a lovely, caring, kind considerate man. a real gentleman.

he is the love of my life, and we have been together since i was 16, im now 34.

we have 3 children together and we also foster babies. we are ok financially, we love each other deeply, we would do anything for each other and we can talk openly about anything and everything.

so why do i feel i cant talk to him about my problem?

 

the problem is a little complicated so bear with me please.

for the past 6 months or so i have been having a huge (to me) problem. as i have said i love my husband, adore him in fact, he is my best friend, my soul mate. however, our once amazing sex life is now, well to be honest, rubbish.

all the things that used to get me going, no longer do, or at least i dont think they do. this is where its complicated. we discovered together a long time ago what worked for me, (i had previously been abused by a boyfriend when i was 14 until i was 15 and was very freaked out by sex my hubby was patient, kind and loving never pushing me into anything and helped me overcome my fear).

well the thing is i dont know if what used to work for me still does but just not with my hubby. maybe its the way he is doing it or maybe i dont get turned on that way anymore or maybe im a freak.

does it mean i dont love him anymore really? am i kidding myself into thinking i still love him?

here is what happens.

we are affectionate all day, we cuddle up, we kiss we flirt. we go to bed at night, he turns to kiss me, we kiss, then he starts to touch me and i just lay there like a sack of potatoes, motionless, sometimes i try to push him away, sometimes i turn my head away so he cant kiss me, sometimes i go through with it pretending to be turned on.

he will then progress downwards to kiss me elsewhere, now here is the thing, sometimes it has the desired result, and all is good (even thought prior to that i have been motionless) and sometimes it will feel good for a few minutes and i will be nearly then and then the feeling just vanishes and i push him off. i always let him make love to me though. i get moist down there but im not into it.

its like my body is willing but my brain isnt. like i have a mental block. afterwards i always lay there crying (he doesnt see) because i feel like a fraud, like im living a lie, i know he has noticed that im a sack of spuds, but he hasnt said anything. i asked him once if he still found me desirable and he said yes without a doubt, i asked him if i still got him going and he said yes, i only have to turn to face him and he wants me, so why dont i feel like that.

i would give anything for it to be how it was. previously it was always excellent. i always orgasmed, several times, i always loved making love with him, i dont know what has changed or why it has changed but now sometimes when he tries to kiss me in bed i actually gag a bit.

i still fancy him, i still desire him but during the day, i look at him and think, god i want you, but then when it comes down to it at night time, i dont. but if he doesnt try i feel unwanted and ugly and like he doesnt love me anymore, and if he does try i want him to leave me alone, the poor man cant win.

what the heck is wrong with me, please can anybody help me, i feel like i should leave him and let him be with someone who can be a proper wife to him.

[Nikki82]

Try doing it during the day when you want him.

Try doing it in a new location.

Try having a drink or 2 to loosen up.

Try some romantic dates, and not just a "date" in the house.

[reboot]

Tell HIM what you just told us. Talk. Read some books. Make a plan. There's nothing the two of you can't accomplish if you're both pulling in the same direction.

[ErgoStep]

well the thing is i dont know if what used to work for me still does but just not with my hubby. maybe its the way he is doing it or maybe i dont get turned on that way anymore or maybe im a freak.

does it mean i dont love him anymore really? am i kidding myself into thinking i still love him?

 

The sex life goes down over time. It's biological. If you had an affair it would be exciting and wonderful again with the new man. But who wants to get into that mess.

 

what the heck is wrong with me, please can anybody help me, i feel like i should leave him and let him be with someone who can be a proper wife to him.

 

If he hasn't complained, don't worry about it.

 

If you're still concerned, talk to him about it. Be calm.

 

It sounds like you have a wonderful history with this man, and overall a good situation currently. Sex isn't everything.

[beccibaxter]

so we talked. i told him what i told all of you (thankyou for replying)

he said he had no idea i was feeling so unhappy, but he had noticed how distant i had become in the bedroom. i told him i thought i was broken and i needed him to fix me, he said what again, and i smiled.

i said to him that it must be very frustrating to have a wife who just lays there, but he said that he didnt take it personally, that he knew if he keeps going i will eventually start to get into it. which is sometimes true and sometimes not like i said in my op.

well tonight after the kids were all asleep (13, 12, 9 and a 19 month old foster baby) he went off upstairs, when he came down he brought our box of "toys" with him and said maybe we should change things up a bit. we giggled like a couple of kids as we chose a few to play with.

we went off to bed and started kissing, i was thinking i cant get into this, its not me anymore, and he said stop thinking and just feel, go with the way it feels, stop analyzing everything, i told him i couldnt. so he went and ran a bath for both of us, he washed me, then after the bath he gave me a massage, saying if nothing happened it didnt matter we would just see where it took us. well one thing led to another and i was into it, really into it, he got me close several times then stopped deliberatley, he said was building me up so i wouldnt lose focus. anyway he got me there eventually and half way through the baby woke up and started screaming. mood killed.

it was my fault she woke up, i was being noisy. i cant help it, i am a noisy lover. thing is i then felt bad as he hadnt finished and the baby wouldnt settle again, it took ages to calm her down and by then he had fallen asleep. i tried to wake him up but he must be exhausted because i couldnt wake him.

so now im thinking im a rubbish wife. i told him how i felt , he made it better, but then i ruined it by being too noisy. he said he likes me noisy.

it was the first time in so long that i felt able to relax and let go and just enjoy without my mind going into overdrive or having a mental block. i wanted it to be a long night you know. i wanted to show him that i could be how i used to be but then i destroyed it. why cant i do it right?

it feels like i cant do anything right anymore, so i even though he was asleep i said "you would be better off without me" and i think its true.

he deserves to be with someone without all this rubbish, someone who can go to bed with him and please him the way i used to. someone who isnt a sexual freak. someone who will just go with how it feels, without needing all the crap that i do to get me in the mood.

as for the toys, we didnt even get a chance to use them.

is it normal for the mood to die that quickly, that easily? i mean how did i go from red hot to stone cold in a second?

 

i dont know what to do anymore, i honestly think i should leave him and let him find happiness with a real woman, because at the moment im not one.

[ErgoStep]

If you break off from your man, he would be devastated.

 

The problem is your self esteem.

 

You need therapy.

[Nikki82]

Why are you so hard on yourself? You really need to stop calling yourself a "rubbish wife". This man clearly loves you A LOT.

 

Do you love him back? Have some self esteem!!!

 

The baby probably would have woken up somehow or another anyway! She/he is a BABY.