The emotional stages of a break up...

[smokey bear]

im looking for replies of what you think the emotional stages of a break are, not for example sadness, grief, anger etc more like

 

 

you hate them, they done something wrong. it was all there fault.

 

then you miss them it was all my fault

 

then you start to see the full picture, both sides faults

 

then you remember normally of special memories

 

no answer will be right or wrong im just asking what everyones view of it is, and does it come in order or can it overlap repeat etc .

 

thanks

[BigDumbFoot]

Or neither side's fault?

[sunflower11]

I read this on the Baggage Reclaim site, however, it deals with the staged of NC..which i guess is pretty much the stages of a break up?

 

The first month or two - What are you likely to be

experiencing?

Grief, denial, self-blame, hate, likely to attempt reconciliation, desperate, bereft,

obsessing, irrationality, desperate urge to call, desperate to know what he’s doing,

missing the routine, missing the certainty of the uncertainty, skipping work, feigning

sickness, not eating, overeating, hanging around on dating sites looking for attention,

tempted to regress or you regress, looking for excuses to see him, driving past his

work, trying to get information from his or your friends, over analysis, attention seeking,

checking dating sites to see if he’s on them, drama seeking, hanging up calls.

 

From around month two - What are you likely to be

experiencing?

Back to work, back to friends and family, starting to sound like a broken record, feel

very sorry for yourself, think your friends don’t understand, desire to be feeling as bad

as you were in the first month because you acknowledge on some level that you

actually feel better, start seeing him and the relationship for what it is, anger at you,

anger at him, immense pain, falling off the wagon territory, laying the foundations for

rebuilding you and your life, scared of how much time has passed, wondering what if

things could have been different.

 

From around three-six months - What are you likely to be

experiencing?

During this phase you are likely to realise that you’re further along than you thought,

tempted to make friends, tempted to have the talk, tempted to believe he misses

you, tempted to believe he has changed, possibility of having a slip off the wagon,

suddenly realising that you’re happy, contemplating dating, may feel necessary to

set boundaries with other people in your life now that have a larger awareness, and

recognising your own contribution, but not in a positive way. For some it will take

longer, but however long it takes, at some point you will realise that you ‘get it’ and

embrace the fact that you’re doing NC and look at is as freedom rather than

punishment.

[Newflor32]

I like the last phase. Ive tried reconnecting but it only hurts. So nc is the only way. There are tough moments but i dont like this pain anymore and forum has helped so much. Im on my way, i know im healing as things are getting better.

[IfiKnewThen]

its all of the above mentioned here..(plus the beginning is the worst its devastating..period)

 

and it ups and downs all the way.. to me there is some order and then there is no order. at first all you feel is disorder. of these stages.

 

youre terribly wounded . you want to numb the pain. but you have to be careful not to make it worse. now you have to heal.

 

its a trap you try to get out of . you're melancholy. you don't feel the same anymore. you have to redefine yourself all over again.

 

(this is at the stage when you stop trying for them....)

 

....you search for all the little parts that put together you. you want to feel whole again. you want to be put together well. who will be this new whole person now be? you dont know where to begin you want to be that person who can live with this mess, and not let it consume you. you want to move forward to making it not matter anymore.

 

its like feeling sick and wanting to be well. you search for the cure. you want to make it accute not chronic. you want to rise from the ashes and sometimes you wonder if its possible (it is)

 

you look for others who have gone before you as mentors.

 

when we let go of the attachment and believe we can be happy again.\ and when we believe we can be happy again which helps let go of the attachment, it becomes more possible. we ask ourselves what kind of thoughts we can put in our heads to make us be able to live with whats happened? and we start to find out own personal way to do that. as we move into doing more things without them it confirms that its all possible.we have set backs from time to time but we all take it...

one day at a time...

 

...reclaiming your life again, even bits and pieces of it. you pray if you have faith..and even when we never did pray, we find ourselves doing it....and even when we lost it...you know you need to keep the have faith and have hope. because just as love is an action word. happiness is too. so we have move into action, and God willing take a healthy course and road. and we feel all these emotions..

 

the worst is wanting to share something with them and you cant. this might be woven into any stage.

 

till as the poster sunflower11, who contributed from the baggage claim site, had this in her message: (and this was put so well) .....For some it will take

longer, but however long it takes, at some point you will realize that you ‘get it’ and

embrace the fact that you’re doing NC and look at is as freedom rather than

punishment.

 

you have to look at being without them as they ARE NOW, (KEY WORDS) as a freedom not a punishment. you have to stop looking at what you had with them once..because in the here and now (which is all we really have) is NOT who they were then. and we in this time and day are are NOW better off without them. thats hard to come to terms with..but its a must. and we God willing forgive ourselves for any of our part in our own pain. a lot has to come together to heal and we have to be diligent and use positive distraction too. and when we get to that place, we retrain the mind body and soul to know we can live happy without them. but first we have to accept our moments of happiness, however small.

 

again its ups and downs and back and forth and eventually you take back your life or start your new life, but you have to stay the course. and find a good routine to stabilize you. and it really helps to get them off that pedestal and dot not to be stuck in any stage of healing or feeling accept, the acceptance stage. ..just keep growing and flowing..knowing...your not alone in loss in the world and you can do it.

 

God speed healing for all of us and bless you all.

[lymtal1]

smokey,

 

yea all that is real, and for each of us we experience it in our own way with timing varied. i looked for a linear progression and discovered that it wasn't. thought i had moved through a phase only a month later to be there again. just know that it may come and go. the phase that we are all trying to attain is called indifference. we don't care one way or the other. that one will also vary by the individual, their personality, and the relationship itself.

 

i am five months out btw. another thing that is interesting and a phase in itself, is when you feel like it is time to start looking at the opposite sex again. it may not be that easy initially. you will do all the comparisons and etc. don't let that derail you. just know that you are doing the right thing but that it will take time but it is healthy. if you find that you think you are getting serious with the person be careful as it might be a rebound and that usually comes with you not being emotionally available to the person. you'll know. i am there now and questioning myself daily. this is down the line so no worries if you are early in this process. just another step to keep on the back burner.

 

good luck wherever you are with this

[smokey bear]

Im at the point where when i think back, i remember the good times.

 

ive been through denial anger etc, i think this can be the hardest stage, when you accept and forgive the bad points and keep memories of the good. xx