3 years "Wants to find herself" BS?

[Bkuhn333]

Ok, My Ex and I were together three years. We came from different backgrounds, I was well off she wasnt. I provided for her, she followed me to my college after we got out of highschool. She wanted and always wanted to be close. She was always so scared of me leaving her. We were inseperable for three years. We went all over the world on trips, I made sure she didnt go without. We were both allways physically attracted to eachother but she wanted to stop having sex till marrage. We Picked out a wedding ring and I paid it off over 5 months. I introduced her to some old friends so she would have more of a social life. We always promised eachother that we would work out anything but infiedelity.

I took her to Acupulco for our three year anniversary. I got down on one knee and proposed. She said no, she said her heart wasnt in it anymore and she didnt wanna stay. We got back and the few weeks before the trip she went clubbing every night and stoped answering my phone calls. Turns out two days after the trip I came over to talk to her and she had another guy in her house. he was a really bad rebound. ( Mexican, Beard, she hates facial hair, 22 lives with his parents) he lives like 100 miles away but is best friends with my ex's new friends boyfriend.

When this started she said she was just trying to scare me to change how I acted. She said I was not emotionally there for her, which is just an easy way out because I was always there for her.(NO I REALLY WAS!) I helped her through many tough situations and I would never hurt her. I was anti social my first year of college to keep from hurting her. She slowly changed from her and this other guy are just friends, to well were dating casually. I left her alone for a week and started dating someone else. ( every time i make her worry i take the teeth out of the situation because i cant hurt her) She went nuts and said she could not live without me and she told this guy off. Well long story short she has jumped back and forth between telling this guy she isnt interested and comming back and then running back to him.

She runs away from problems, but never our problems. She said she wanted to find herself, and she just moved in with her sister so she wouldnt have to live at home for college anymore. She says she still loves me but cant be with me right now. She says that maybe when school starts in the fall but not right now.( Im a JUNIOR in college and shes a SOPH, started dating Junior/Soph year in HS) I am going to therapy and a bunch of stuff. I cant say that I didnt try everything 100%, she just wanted to run. She says now that the three years was all bad, and that she GAVE me three years to change and I didnt. We talked about mostly the things she needed to change because she was polar alot.

I dont know if I can take her at her word about this other guy, and if she really is trying to sort her life out so we dont get divorced like her parents, but I also dont wanna just be a fall back guy. We went through too much to be friends or anything less than before. Is it time to move on? she says things like if u had just left me alone for a few weeks we would be back together by now. Ive made it 5 days now with no contact. We have 4 of our classes together in the fall, so i dont know if I should change them. She says that she dosent wanna be with anyone right now, but that shes just dating this guy as something less and it dosent feel the same and shes not trying to replace me. She said she wants to date other people but cant be with out me, which is really immature. Im getting closer and closer to totally letting go, which is sad. i want her back and I really think that she is the one God wants me to marry, i can say she didnt cheat.

That she ended things before she did anything, I provided so much for her it would have been easy to go behind my back. She still has all our pictures up, but her friend that tells her all the time ( a friend who has never had a serious guy and is a slut) that she will make sure that my ex finds that I am not the right man for her.

I dont know if this is a blessing and she will come back and this is better to happen now and not after marrage, or if this is just time to move on? Do people ever break up and get back together after 3 or 4 months and make it work? We both only want to get married one time and would never move in with a boyfriend.

I guess my question is: SHE ACTS LIKE SHE WANTS ME IN THE FUTURE, WE HAVE HAD SO MUCH TOGETHER, BUT SHES RUNNING AND SAYS SHE CANT TELL ME HER TRUE FEELINGS BECAUSE I WILL THINK SHE WANTS ME BACK RIGHT NOW. ANY ADVICE?

[oldernotwiser]

Some women do enjoy drama.( as do men) marriage huh, why in such a rush you are not even on the same path together. Marriage used to be so sacred but now it is just something that people have, like colored T.V.s( 3 or four and none of them work, but I'm gonna go out and buy a new one tomorrow). I'm not saying that there is a perfect time to get married but when you have dated only one person, over a span of the life of a salmon, how can you possibly have the tools to make anything work, or the judgment to proceed to a higher level of emotions.........

 

 

Sorry about the rant. Life is out there enjoy........

[hurtingandconfused]

Mexican, Beard, she hates facial hair, 22 lives with his parents

What's wrong with mexicans who live with their parents?

 

What she's basically saying is that you two are not compatible. She is looking for something else(not someone). Buddy if you think that looks have everything to do in a relationship then you are wrong.

This quote right here answers all your questions:

 

She says now that the three years was all bad, and that she GAVE me three years to change and I didnt.

 

We have 4 of our classes together in the fall, so i dont know if I should change them.

If she hasn't changed them, then I suggest for you to change them. Don't put up with her BS.

 

I cant say that I didnt try everything 100%, she just wanted to run.

If this is true, then you guys were not meant for each other.

 

I dont know if I can take her at her word about this other guy, and if she really is trying to sort her life out so we dont get divorced like her parents, but I also dont wanna just be a fall back guy.

This is what you are right now. A fall back guy. Let her go, she's not worth it. Let her grow up.

 

Is it time to move on?

Most definitely so!

 

Ive made it 5 days now with no contact.

Get ready to make it forever, unless you want to remain friends with her.

 

I dont know if this is a blessing and she will come back and this is better to happen now and not after marrage

 

This is a blessing. A blessing that she did not do this to you after your marriage. Don't expect her to come back, from the sounds of it she wants something else in the relationship. You are unable to meet her emotional needs.

[Bkuhn333]

Well whats so strange is we were on the same path, She was always talking about getting hitched. Then she went out with that new girl i Introduced her to, and Boom! She went from I wanna live the rest of my life with you to I dont want anything to do with you. I personally have nothing against mexicans, Its just that She would have laughed her butt off is this guy had been dating one of her friends. Every note she would leave around the house would say her name then (soon to be) and then my last name.....

I can see the real her when I look in her eyes. Shes putting up an act like she does to everyone. She never did that with me, She puts walls up and I dont know how to get past them. She wouldnt let me kiss her because she said she couldnt handle feeling that way, and she said it was hard on her to see me. We are compatable, thats why I dont understand. I am emotionally there for her, we both are same place in our lives in religion, school, goals.... We are like two peas in a pod, and I dont know if time will make her take down those walls. I hang on to hope because I know whats shes done with relationships in her family.

[Bkuhn333]

Is "were nothing right now, but I dont know in the future" and " I love you but I need to be my own person and date other people", all crap comming from a 3 year relationship that started in High school? is it a death sentence? She told me time and time again never to give up on her, do I give up on her now? or is this something that has to happen for us to make it in the long term because we found eachother so early?

[bamaguy20]

man..bkun........sounds like EXACTLY the same thing that happend to me..minus the wedding ring.....i feel as awful as you do.....ive been lookin to talk to someone who more or less had the same thing that happend to me happen to them, just haven't come across it...sometimes i can sleep cant eat when i think about her or another guy she may or may not be with....send me a message sometime i think it could be benefitial to both of us

[estakado]

Man it burns....really it does, so what you gotta do is just try not to contact her or think about her if you can...really dude, you gotta just man up and clean out your house full of memories and work on yourself for a while.

 

Its hella burning and I know you'll be bawling your eyes out but take it day by day and soon you'll get your swagger back.

 

I'm in the same trap right now bro and I just got officially dumped the begining of this month and she moved on too....

 

blah blah about me, but dude just worry bout getting through the day...get all the crying out and talk to friends and family if you can, then just clean/change your house space and think of all the things that you'd like to do or see that you'd never do with your girl THEN DO IT.

 

I've cleaned my house out slowly but its gets easier everyday...I still have dreams and weakness too but its gettin better and better every other day. Trust me bro change your routine little by little. You have school, use it to learn and or meet other people.

 

There is no magic cure, I myself am still burning and I've talked to my ex lately and it makes no sense to even talk to her because of the feelings, if she does call, keep the talkin within 5 mins for reals. Let her know how you feel then sign off be sure to be 1st to say goodbye and then no contact.

 

If she really loves you then she'll come through, its not like she dont know where you live or dont got your number. Just improve yourself. If she does come back then you can make her work/realise what she missed out on.

 

Its ok to be sad. Dont play yourself by waiting for her.

[hurtingandconfused]

Yes I agree with estakado. I too was with my ex for 3 years. We were each other's first loves.(After/before HS relationship) It's been about 4-5 months since our breakup. We have contacted each other about 2 times within the 4-5 period. I decided that a friendship was not good enough. So I decided not to contact her anymore.

 

Sometimes I think about her. Other times I dream about her. But in the end I feel much better due to the no contact rule. At first I could not bare to think of her being with another guy. But all that starts to fade as your memories for her do. It's all in your head, if you want to sit around and dwell you will NEVER recover from this break up. I did a lot of stupid things after the break up. (Nothing that involved my ex.) Just remember that whatever you do, you cannot make your ex change her mind. Live, learn, die.

[mysunshine]

Bkuhn333

 

Reading your story made me feel for you. You have been sucked into what we women call "S.O.S." "Stuck On Stupid" I apologize for the brutality, but that is what you have been subjected to. You are a joke to her really and she is using you for her own emotional insecurity. You chase her and praise her so much that you are feeding her EGO and she is loving it.

 

The only reason why she is keeping the blow soft, is because she wants to keep that one foot in the door. She has you camped on the fence with one log on your side and the other on "freedom". Take a great big deep breath and PUSH her ass over to the freedom side. You obviously give your all in a relationship and that is commendable, but at your age YOU need to find yourself. You love her, so let her go. If her happiness is the most important thing to you, than let her be.

 

Don't fall for that "if you would have done _____ we would be _____" bull... It is not your fault that she is young and feeling fruitful and wants to explore different men before really settling down. It is a NATURAL feeling that you should take into consideration yourself. (not the exploring men part)

 

Don't sit around waiting for her to fit you into her life. You are young and giving and loyal and there are a boat load of very special women out there who will CHERISH a man like you. Put your hard hat on, change your school schedule and avoid her like the plague. If she calls - don't answer. If she happens to corner you - SMALL TALK ONLY, like the weather, current events, etc. Stay in a hurry when she is around. Hit her with the "Aw ma'an I've gotta be somewhere in 5 minutes" everytime she approaches you.

 

Do not under any circumstances, have any further discussion with her about your relationship. She is playing you like a cheap fiddle and is not being fair to you. If she wants to date around, she most definitely should, but she needs to let you go. You see, she does not want you to find anyone else while she is doing her thang.

 

This other guy is her man and she uses you to fill the gaps in their relationship. Don't let her in. Your love is your most precious commodity. It is the only piece of you that you must hold onto and release to the deserving.

 

3 years is not that long of a period of time and you have lost yourself in those years. You do not need her to define who you are. Start doing some of the things that YOU like to do, and date around for awhile (not sleep around), but date around. Get to know several different women and work on developing what YOU really want in a mate. If you and miss thang are meant to be, than you will. Don't force it! After you hang out with other women, you will most likely find someone who fits your puzzle better than she. Enjoy it!

[Bkuhn333]

She called sat 3 times and I wouldnt answer, She called Sunday three times and i Answered on the last call because she called from a diff number. She said after a 30 minute conversation that there were no other men in her life, and that she could never feel the way she does for me with someone else. She said that she cant picture herself marrying anyone else, and that she feels like we didnt break up sometimes in her heart. She said she had alot of issues to work out with herself, and that she was scared we would kill eachother's social lifes again, that we would try to control eachother again. She said that she thinks I will push for marrage too soon, and I said I wouldnt. She said she knows that she wants me now, but she cant have me in her life untill she works all these problems with herself out. ( ie. Living on her own, going to school, her job, having a more active social life). Im not gonna let her come back untill she really means it, and Im gonna play the whole well im not sure now and make her come after me.

When restarting a serious relationship how do you keep it from feeling akward, and how do restore intamacy, trust, and romance? I dunno if we should just start acting like we use to in respect to spending the night and dates and stuff. I just dont want her to feel that its weird now, or that its borring? Any ideas?

[Bkuhn333]

Said she wants to go to counceling. we got an apointment, said she dosent want me to freak out on her, and that she cant see marrying anyone else, am I getting false hopes up about therapy? and how should I act in the week untill therapy?

[hurtingandconfused]

She said she knows that she wants me now, but she cant have me in her life untill she works all these problems with herself out. ( ie. Living on her own, going to school, her job, having a more active social life).

 

WTF okay think about this. You guys get married and then it starts getting tuff for her. What will she do????

 

I don't know this girl is too confusing let her grow up. Therapy..therapy for what?? Is she depressed?

[thehappyclam]

dude, i know that you're flooded with emotions right now and it's hard to think straight, but honestly, you got to look at some of the advices that people on this board are giving you.

 

you're in a fog right now. that's because you love this girl so much, and love is so illogical. i have been there myself. it's extremely hard to see straight when you're in love. i don't even know what it's like when your love is unstable and jerk you around emotionally.

 

what i'm about to say may not be what you want to hear, but it has to be said: your love for this girl is destroying you to the point where you have totally lost your sense of self. it is not healthy for you. it is not healthy for her.

 

yes, 3 years is a long time. (i was with my first love for 3 1/2 years, so i understand your predicament). but it's not really that long in the long run. if you marry her just because you've invested 3 years in the relationship and disregard all these red flags that are being raised every which way, you're in for a world of pain.

 

so sort our your emotions and try to clear your head. you can go to therapy with her and try to salvage the relationship, but be wary about being jerked around emotionally. from your story, it sounds like you and her are not really that compatible, are both really young, and are in no shape to jump into anything as serious as marriage. just take it one day at a time, be cognizant of your emotions, and don't do anything too rash. even if it doesn't work out, it probably will be a blessing in disguise.

[Papillon]

A man goes to toys-r-us to buy his wife a gift.

 

She unwraps it, and exclaims, "What the hell do I want with a toy rocket?!?"

 

"Well, you wanted space, now **** off!"

[Bkuhn333]

Been really blunt with her about how I dont know if I would want her back. She called Last night when I was at a party and I said I hope everything was going well with her. She called back an hour later crying saying she just wanted to hear my voice because she couldnt go to sleep? She said she wasnt talking to any other guys and that she wanted to get all of her issues out and she is scared of having such strong feelings with me. I said actions speak louder than words and you havent shown anything that makes me feel like you give a *(*$& for any part of me..... She said she is just scared of the comitment and that she wants me in a month or so, I told her that was fine but if she was seeing other guys or ever had sex with someone else durring this time to go to hell...... I said that I dont play games and I dont think you are either, but the more this goes on the more it feels like games and we have not played any games in the whole three year relationship

[moimeme]

You started this relationship when you were very young and she, quite rightly, is wondering whether she buried all of herself in it. It's common to do that - especially for women. So she thinks that she should be an independent human in order to be in a good relationship with you - and she is one hundred percent correct. It isn't good for anyone to go from a parent's house to a marital home with no breaks in between. She doesn't want to lose you but she wants to find out who she is, now she's an adult.

 

This doesn't mean she'll run when there's problems when you're married. Quite the contrary, because if she spends time living alone and doing that other stuff, she will be choosing you as a developed adult rather than sticking with you because she always has.

 

IMHO, this is one of those 'if you love something, set it free' situations. I'm guessing you won't lose her and I think going to counselling is a great idea. You have to believe in love.