Diary of the Rebound Guy

[jsd43953]

Hello all. I am new to this and this heart broken thing is too. I found this site so I am hoping venting will provide some solice. Here is my story:

 

About 4 months ago me and my uncle's wife daughter started to talk (she's not blood so its quite different). We've know each other for years but never really had too much of a relationship outside of the obvious crush we had on one another..but not much communication. Anyway 4 months ago I saw her on facebook and just sent a message and we began to talk. This is when I found out that she was going through a break up with a guy who she has been with for 2 years (minus the 6 months he was in jail; but she kept phone contact). They lived together, she has two kids that are not his, but they call him Dad. However for the two years they were together he was a live in, sit on the couch play vide games type , not working or helping pay bills dude.

 

He was still living with her once during the time we were in contact but that was dissolving rapidly and her I began communicating more and more..hours at a time on the phone all day texting etc. As her relationship was falling apart and she ended up kicking him out she turned to me to come to her place because she was scared he might try to break in or whatever. Well the first time i came over she introduced me to her kids as their cousin (neither one of us expected the upcoming events). It was a cool weekend, but some how me and her ended up having sex. This ultimately changed things. We were like we are not going to catch feelings etc, but then that backfired.

 

So a few family gatherings come and go and she is still introducing me to her family as a cousin, but there are stronger feelings now. I have now been at her house for a few weeks looking for a job (actually found one while out there). During the week her kids are at her grandmas so it is just me and her at her house. Sparks begin flying. its clear she loves me but I know she is not over her ex and I ask her about being a rebound.. And she said if you were a rebound we would just have sex and i would send you home, rather than have you stay with me. I like you being here and for all that you do for me to show me you care.

 

Side notes: The first time we had sex we kissed for about 2 hours; she aknowledged she never kissed anyone that long.. she also was shaking and all that before we even started intercourse..I was making love to her which i have never done. I would massage her back when should would ask cause I knew it would hurt. Id wake up in the morning to make sure she had breakfast before work and make sure she had dinner made and a clean house when she got home (this was before I started working). As this goes on one day she ask me if I want to make it official and be her boyfriend. So in essence everything was cool. She also told me she never told anyone she loved them first; she told me she loved me first. She said she didnt want any more kids; she said she wants one with me and even wants to marry me and we began talking about that alot. This is even stuff she told her friends and her mother.

 

Now what happens is events occur where now the kids are home everyday with her. This is not a problem with me; I am not working and going into this i realized that if i was going to love her I had to love the kids the same so I took the daddy role. Continued to wake up in the morning get myself ready for work, wake her up to get ready, cook breakfast for her, the kids and myself.. set off for work, come home clean, cook dinner, give the kids a bath and ready for bed and so forth. Just giving you an idea. Nothing seemed out fo the ordinary, but sometimes things arent always what they seem I suppose

 

So fast forward through the honeymoon stages..(well thats bad terminology because it was no honeymoon stage since we were not declining feelings only incling and building on them). Anyway we decide that it is a good idea to tell her kids (ages 2 and 4) that we are not cousins but "friends". Unfortunately, the 4 year old did not understand as he was always questioning why mommy was sleping with her cousin; needless to say that was stressing to her emotionally. Secondly her family; on her fathers side had a lot of negative stuff to say about it as well, but she blew it off. However since the son is always at the grandmas this is stuff that he has to hear and he brings that home, b/c we were saying one thing to him and then he hears this.

 

Again the kids are home everyday with her. Neither of us had a car. But out of the blue her comes mr ex dude.. with a brand new car and stacks of money throwing around. The same guy who watched her struggle for two years.. never bought the kids anything but now is buying her clothes, the kids clother, picking them up in the morning for work and babysitter and bringing them home. She tells me that she feels as if he didnt do anything while they were together and now wants to come around buying stuff and she aint got to do nothing for it that she is going to take advantage. Sounds f'd up but i can't blame her a woman scorned to a degree.

 

So her we are having several nights of just communicating how her son being confused is stressing her, how her family saying stuff is stressing her. How she loves both him and I and it not fair so she'd rather be alone. That she does mean everything we talked about that just right now, as in she feels we need to take a step back in order to move forward. So of course I am heart broken I pack my things and leave the next day. but before I leave she tells me I didnt tell you that you have to leave, just said that we could not do what we've been doing.

 

The day I leave she texts me asking am I okay.. of course I am not and she just replies I am sorry for hurting you, whatelse do you want me to do. I leave it at that. A few days later I get a text since I did not say anything since saying morning. How come you dont text me anymore? I replied just been busy with work. She then says i cant keep her up all night :* (mind you this is something she would say when we would be having sex or about to at night). So I said funny, you don't miss me enough for that. She then said i do, but this is the best for now. I agreed and that was it. It has been now 9 days since I have heard from her and I am struggling to not contact her. If you have read my F'd up situation and have some words of encourgement Id appreciate it.

 

 

p.s. this is the only girl who i can ever say i have met who's heart beats the same rhythm as mine. I do not believe in coincidence. If a female is a mans rib then my thought is that you know the 'one" when you beat the same rhythm..

[Lemon Drop]

jsd,

 

Sounds like you are handling things in a mature way, that's not easy to leave like you did and not initiate contact, become angry and make things full of drama. Good on you. And the fact that you stepped up and cared for her and her children in a loving and mature way speaks volumes about you.

 

Since I am older and wiser, this advice comes from experience. What happened is you both rushed into things too quickly. I am sure she meant what she said to you, all the loving things. I am sure you meant them all too. But we are all basically wired the same in that when we rush things we don't allow the trust and boundaries to develop. There may have been a little of her enjoying you and your qualities but enjoying that it seemed to bring her "SO" around when he saw you there taking care of them. He saw you replacing him so he stepped up and did what he was supposed to do in the first place. You taught him how to.

 

Also, when you have sex with someone quickly and move in you don't have the chance to "get to know" someone and build a foundation for your relationship first. If you had gotten an apartment and just dated her, you would not have gotten so involved with her and her children and you would have protected yourself from the hurt you feel now. Sex and the chemicals it produces cloud our judgment and if you wait until you get to know someone better, you find out if they are someone you can trust and love. The lust fogs everything up and you could be with Jack the Ripper and not know it until the fog clears.

 

Did you get any funny feelings that something wasn't right? The family not liking things? Maybe they told her to slow down and she interpreted it that it was a cousin thing. I know I would tell my daughter to slow down. You don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I'm sure she really wanted it to work with you and that she could wipe that old slate clean and start fresh, but they have kids and a family together and it's not so easy. It's special to have a relationship with the father of your kids. As they grow you can enjoy them and their accomplishments together. He probably told her his bad ways were all over, and from now on everything would be wonderful. She wants to believe him, but more than likely, she will be calling you when he effs up (soon probably) and you will have to decide whether you want to repeat this x amount of times or if you will just cut the connection now and avoid all that pain. An ex-con is not something I would want to tangle with, if I were you.

 

Let yourself heal, do things you enjoy, then go find a girl with no kids you can start out together with and have a good life. You may be a bit of a rescuer personality, you may need to learn to look out a little more for yourself and not just for others.

 

In any case, you handled the breakup in a classy way and you may have dodged a bullet of a lifetime of dealing with a lot of drama and pain.

 

Good luck to you.

[jsd43953]

jsd,

 

Sounds like you are handling things in a mature way, that's not easy to leave like you did and not initiate contact, become angry and make things full of drama. Good on you. And the fact that you stepped up and cared for her and her children in a loving and mature way speaks volumes about you.

 

Since I am older and wiser, this advice comes from experience. What happened is you both rushed into things too quickly. I am sure she meant what she said to you, all the loving things. I am sure you meant them all too. But we are all basically wired the same in that when we rush things we don't allow the trust and boundaries to develop. There may have been a little of her enjoying you and your qualities but enjoying that it seemed to bring her "SO" around when he saw you there taking care of them. He saw you replacing him so he stepped up and did what he was supposed to do in the first place. You taught him how to.

 

Also, when you have sex with someone quickly and move in you don't have the chance to "get to know" someone and build a foundation for your relationship first. If you had gotten an apartment and just dated her, you would not have gotten so involved with her and her children and you would have protected yourself from the hurt you feel now. Sex and the chemicals it produces cloud our judgment and if you wait until you get to know someone better, you find out if they are someone you can trust and love. The lust fogs everything up and you could be with Jack the Ripper and not know it until the fog clears.

 

Did you get any funny feelings that something wasn't right? The family not liking things? Maybe they told her to slow down and she interpreted it that it was a cousin thing. I know I would tell my daughter to slow down. You don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I'm sure she really wanted it to work with you and that she could wipe that old slate clean and start fresh, but they have kids and a family together and it's not so easy. It's special to have a relationship with the father of your kids. As they grow you can enjoy them and their accomplishments together. He probably told her his bad ways were all over, and from now on everything would be wonderful. She wants to believe him, but more than likely, she will be calling you when he effs up (soon probably) and you will have to decide whether you want to repeat this x amount of times or if you will just cut the connection now and avoid all that pain. An ex-con is not something I would want to tangle with, if I were you.

 

Let yourself heal, do things you enjoy, then go find a girl with no kids you can start out together with and have a good life. You may be a bit of a rescuer personality, you may need to learn to look out a little more for yourself and not just for others.

 

In any case, you handled the breakup in a classy way and you may have dodged a bullet of a lifetime of dealing with a lot of drama and pain.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

LemonDrop,

 

Thanks for the advice it is definitely eye opening. I truly appreciate the words and wisdom. With that being said what do you think about these events: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t306265/