Being disowned by parents because of facebook

[setsenia]

A few days ago, my mother in law and step father in law decided to disown their only child and step-child (my husband) and I over facebook comments. We actually had an issue with them over facebook about a year and a half ago. They re-joined facebook and it had been nothing but chaos. My husband's step father freaked out at every little thing I said on facebook and only posted comments when he felt like being negative. He felt the need to tell me what and what not to post and what was and wasn't appropriate. In general the guy has no personality or sense of humor, so you have to be really, really careful of anything you say to him. He removed me from facebook over a post about Columbus day! And then my mother in law would post all kinds of Anti-Atheist, Anti-Democrat posts on facebook, but harassed us about any little thing we said that she disagreed with. They took everything so personally and made it seem like it was all meant for them. If we said anything about politics or religion she disagreed with, she would totally rip our heads off. It's totally a double standard! At that point we were seriously getting to the point where enough was enough. They had problems with everything we said and were targeting us and no one else! One of my husband's friend's who's also on his mother's friends list, made a post about someone who was Mormon coming up to them and him throwing away the card in the garbage. All we replied and said was that we have a church down the street next to us and sometimes they ask us to join the church. Well, she was all offended at us, but not the friend who started talking about it. She thought that since we had Mormon relatives, we were being offensive. I don't see how stating you have a church next to you is so offensive and we told her so. Well, she makes her husband send us some nasty email shortly after saying how we never think we do anything wrong and that they are both "done" with us and that we owe our Mormon relatives an apology. I don't think we owe anyone anything, because we didn't say anything wrong! They completely blocked us from facebook, but of course, not the friend who actually made the offensive Mormon remark! Despite the fact that we didn't do anything, we tried apologizing and saying we never intended to offend them. Well, his mother pretty much blew us off and told us to "have a nice life". I cannot believe people would get so flipped out over facebook! My husband and I are still trying to cope and move on since they never really made much effort to be in our lives in the first place.

Edited November 11, 2011 by setsenia

[Mrlonelyone]

I can believe it.

 

What little I know about life is this, you can't make people like you. Try giving them some time to come to their senses. If that does not work, you may just have to kiss them goodbye.

[KathyM]

A few days ago, my mother in law and step father in law decided to disown their only child and step-child (my husband) and I over facebook comments. We actually had an issue with them over facebook about a year and a half ago. They re-joined facebook and it had been nothing but chaos. My husband's step father freaked out at every little thing I said on facebook and only posted comments when he felt like being negative. He felt the need to tell me what and what not to post and what was and wasn't appropriate. In general the guy has no personality or sense of humor, so you have to be really, really careful of anything you say to him. He removed me from facebook over a post about Columbus day! And then my mother in law would post all kinds of Anti-Atheist, Anti-Democrat posts on facebook, but harassed us about any little thing we said that she disagreed with. They took everything so personally and made it seem like it was all meant for them. If we said anything about politics or religion she disagreed with, she would totally rip our heads off. It's totally a double standard! At that point we were seriously getting to the point where enough was enough. They had problems with everything we said and were targeting us and no one else! One of my husband's friend's who's also on his mother's friends list, made a post about someone who was Mormon coming up to them and him throwing away the card in the garbage. All we replied and said was that we have a church down the street next to us and sometimes they ask us to join the church. Well, she was all offended at us, but not the friend who started talking about it. She thought that since we had Mormon relatives, we were being offensive. I don't see how stating you have a church next to you is so offensive and we told her so. Well, she makes her husband send us some nasty email shortly after saying how we never think we do anything wrong and that they are both "done" with us and that we owe our Mormon relatives an apology. I don't think we owe anyone anything, because we didn't say anything wrong! They completely blocked us from facebook, but of course, not the friend who actually made the offensive Mormon remark! Despite the fact that we didn't do anything, we tried apologizing and saying we never intended to offend them. Well, his mother pretty much blew us off and told us to "have a nice life". I cannot believe people would get so flipped out over facebook! My husband and I are still trying to cope and move on since they never really made much effort to be in our lives in the first place.

You have to be very careful what you say on facebook, because everything you say becomes public and is a reflection on you, your family, your employer, etc. It can cause a lot of ill will if you are not careful. I know a woman who posted some negative comments on her FB about her family not helping her out enough, and it caused a lot of negative feelings from family members because of that. Never go public with something on FB that might cause problems for your family, co-workers or employer. I've also heard about people being fired from their job because they badmouthed their boss on their FB page. Sharing your positive news about yourself to friends and relatives is about all FB is good for. Everything else should be kept as private conversation.

[setsenia]

Good point Kathy, and I totally agree. After so many issues, my husband and I are pretty much done with facebook. The issue I have is that my in laws are 100% okay with everyone else posting that stuff, but not us it seems. They also post very offensive things against our beliefs, but I guess they cannot see their wrongdoing with that one. I mentioned to my MIL once before that we should keep all the political and religious comments off FB, but she didn't listen or didn't care. I am totally okay with keeping it limited on facebook, but why is it still okay for them and everyone else? I can understand if these were distant relatives or friends who were offended, but your own parents? I mean even if this was said in conversation rather than facebook, I'm sure we'd still get the same response. They just take everything too seriously.

[KathyM]

Good point Kathy, and I totally agree. After so many issues, my husband and I are pretty much done with facebook. The issue I have is that my in laws are 100% okay with everyone else posting that stuff, but not us it seems. They also post very offensive things against our beliefs, but I guess they cannot see their wrongdoing with that one. I mentioned to my MIL once before that we should keep all the political and religious comments off FB, but she didn't listen or didn't care. I am totally okay with keeping it limited on facebook, but why is it still okay for them and everyone else? I can understand if these were distant relatives or friends who were offended, but your own parents? I mean even if this was said in conversation rather than facebook, I'm sure we'd still get the same response. They just take everything too seriously.

Anything controversial should be kept off of FB. Anything negative as well. FB has its place, but it has the power to become a very negative thing that can cause a lot of strive in a relationship or family or friend group. My husband and I choose not to have FB pages, because we don't like our private life to be made public, and we don't feel the need to report our life to the world. If I want to tell friends or relatives something about what's happening with me or my family, I'll give them a call or Email them. I think FB also has the ability to damage a marriage because people make connections on there that may start out as benign, but become something more later on. We both choose not to use FB, but for the people I know who do, it has caused problems for them and seems to me like it does more harm than good. Anyway, good luck, and remember, be careful what you say on FB, because it does have the potential to harm you and your family/friends, and has the potential to cause a rift. It already has in your case.

[setsenia]

Anything controversial should be kept off of FB. Anything negative as well. FB has its place, but it has the power to become a very negative thing that can cause a lot of strive in a relationship or family or friend group. My husband and I choose not to have FB pages, because we don't like our private life to be made public, and we don't feel the need to report our life to the world. If I want to tell friends or relatives something about what's happening with me or my family, I'll give them a call or Email them. I think FB also has the ability to damage a marriage because people make connections on there that may start out as benign, but become something more later on. We both choose not to use FB, but for the people I know who do, it has caused problems for them and seems to me like it does more harm than good. Anyway, good luck, and remember, be careful what you say on FB, because it does have the potential to harm you and your family/friends, and has the potential to cause a rift. It already has in your case.

 

 

I think you are totally right. I can't tell you how many times we've thought about deleting facebook. I do have people I like to contact on there, so I think I will just stop posting on there unless like you said i have something really important to say. The funny thing is, I haven't had problems with anyone other than relatives on there, LOL. It doesn't make sense. My in laws told us over a year ago they were deleting facebook permanently. LOL. They should have kept it that way.

[ErgoStep]

I look at my facebook as my personal property. I can say anything I want as long as it's not illegal.

 

Posting on someone else's facebook is entering their property, and that is where respect of beliefs comes in to play.

 

Note that you can change your name, location, and privacy settings so those who don't know you well cannot find you on facebook.

[setsenia]

Exactly! My husband and I were talking to his friend on HIS wall and my mother in law comes and buts into our conversation, saying we're being "offensive". This is because she is on his friend's friends list. She basically stalks every move we make and finds something to "complain" about.

[RiverRunning]

I think that nutter did you a favor by kissing you out of her life. If she doesn't show up with a big apology, I honestly think you should stay out of her life. Did she give you problems before the Facebook hurrah?

 

If my mother ever tried to dictate what I should or shouldn't post on Facebook, I would tell her where to go (albeit nicely). I don't control what she posts or what she says, and it's far more offensive than anything I've ever said.

 

It's true that you have to be careful about what you say. My mom and I have had a strained relationship my entire life. I thought my privacy settings were locked down and I made a comment about how my mom had called me 5 or 6 times in a rage in the course of half an hour (because I was in disbelief and home alone, and she was leaving irate and threatening Voicemails). Well...apparently one of MY friends was friends with someone my mom was friends with (I know, long trail). Needless to say, my mom's friend saw everything and passed it onto her (gotta love people), and that only intensified the situation. With as often as FB changes its settings, you can never trust that it's JUST your friends seeing it.

 

But that said, that doesn't give relatives ANY right to come in and personally criticize you, tell you you're wrong or order you not to post things regarding your beliefs on religion and politics. I could care less if any of my friends rip on atheists or Democrats, though (two groups to which I consider myself to fall into). I disagree, and I'm not going to bring it up. Personally though, I'd never rip on Christians or Republicans or anything of the like on my profile. That's just bound to stir up trouble.

 

Facebook is not the best place for those with strong opinions.

[LuckyLady13]

I think you are totally right. I can't tell you how many times we've thought about deleting facebook. I do have people I like to contact on there, so I think I will just stop posting on there unless like you said i have something really important to say. The funny thing is, I haven't had problems with anyone other than relatives on there, LOL. It doesn't make sense. My in laws told us over a year ago they were deleting facebook permanently. LOL. They should have kept it that way.

 

 

Setsenia, if you guys (you and your hubby) have fun on Facebook, don't stop posting like a normal person. Be yourselves!

 

Your in-laws sound exactly like my parents. Controlling and threatening.

 

I don't know how long you've known your in-laws but since I have about 40 years of experience with control freak parents, I want to give you a head's up on something. Be yourself, don't start getting too nervous to do something as simple as posting how you feel on a friends wall and don't start hiding your opinion about things in life. The moment you start getting quiet and trying not to 'rock the boat' with them, they will have got that inch and will turn it into a mile before you know it.

 

A word of warning: They will kick, scream, cry and threaten when they don't get their way. Don't worry about it!

 

You sound like you're starting to go down the road of giving them what they want out of fear of the consequences. I hope you can veer off real quick in the right direction before it's too late.

[Tayla]

I find myself recalling how "text" and the conveyance of it online are never really meant with the "tone" or mannerism reflected (construed).

 

Communication is a tricky language based on mannerism, who is saying it and how much weight one gives to the speaker. I personally think when communication breaks down, both sides are accountable for remedying it. I do not side with "negative nellies" as this post conveys of the parents. I think some exaggeration was cast upon them since the poster is being righteous. Perhaps the parents do have "extreme" differences and those are fine on some levels. What I find intriguing is that there is zero level of effort to get to the crux of what is the issues, which to me is the communication and style of conveyance. We may have freedom of speech , we also have freedom to remain silent and dismiss things on a manner of opinion. My daughter in law and I had this very issue and I graciously spoke to my son in due regard for her statement that she made. I was terribly "wrong" in how I interpreted it and I had to apologize for such a conclusion. So sometimes when we get down to matters, confront the statements and maybe even come to an "understanding" of their view point can we gain mutual ground. OPen your mind and let some light in , you may find that there "passionate" statements whilst different then yours carry a conviction of thought and surely folks can relate on that ground. I may not agree with someone but I sure as heck can relate when we both are passionate in our views and Let things be that.

[setsenia]

Thanks for the advice, LuckyLady! I totally agree!

 

@Tayla, I know what you mean. We tried explaining ourselves and that we weren't intentionally being offensive, but they refuse to think any differently. They liked to point fingers at us, saying we never think we do anything wrong and we have no regrets, but here they refuse to even consider they might have misunderstood. We tried apologizing asking to "put this behind us" and work it out, even though we didn't do anything wrong and they pretty much blew us off. What can you do? Nothing, you can't make people like you.