A fine mess I've made...

[bumblebe12]

Hello all,

 

I am new to the forum and just looking for some advice and a place to vent besides my therapists office. Despite attempts to make this short it is just too much information, so if you make it through I appreciate anything you have to say!

 

Background info: Married x2

1st 2008 - 4 years together, 4 months of marriage ended because of abuse

2nd 2011 - 1 year together, 6.5 months of marriage (separated at month 4 still married and living together)

 

I understand that it looks like I am quick to make bad decisions and to that I would concur. Looking at the stats makes me hang my head in shame. My current husband and I had known one another since middle school when we started dating and though I was not looking for a relationship at the time, it seemed to flow smoothly. We moved extremely fast (both of our decisions) buying a house 2 months in and getting engaged at 3 months. Looking back, I remember thinking I didn't want to waste 4 years together only to realize it wasn't going to work. Stupid.

 

We had a lot of serious issues throughout, the kind of stuff most people don't go through in 10 years, and it pushed us together. I asked for "breaks" several times over the course of the 1st year but I assumed it was because I was overwhelmed. After getting married, I found out that my husband had failed to pay our mortgage for 3 months and spent all the money in the mean time. We kept seperate accounts and the mortgage was the ONLY thing he was responsible for. We've been trying to catch up ever since. That amongst other things, kept me emotionally detached from the relationship to an extent. We tried books, therapists, long talks, vacations, ect to try and repair things. I just didn't/don't trust him.

 

Fast forward to August - I was finishing up my summer term of Grad School and had a new prof. He was young (31) and brand new to my college. I thought he was an *** and stayed away from him. During finals, I had to go and drop off all my work in his office and we chatted for a few minutes. Nothing special but when he texted me later (this is a common occurence with almost ALL the professors) to tell me I missed something, we started chatting back and forth. He came out with some friends from class on our last night and had a drink (also not unusual) and he and I ended up talking til 4AM. At the end of the night he kissed me - right then I knew I was in trouble. I am NOT a cheater and the thought of cheating on my husband made me physically ill; when this happened I didn't feel anything.

 

The next day, I immediately told my husband what happened and that I needed a break while I sorted all this out. He begrudgingly agreed but nothing went smoothly. We have fought and fought over the past 3 months. He flat out refused to do the things he promised he would to help us get on track and honestly I just didn't care. I love him still (none of this BS "but I'm not IN love with him" crap) and part of me still wants the relationship but the things he has done in the last 3 months have shown me a different side of him. I know that I cheated and I own that completely. My husband insists on playing the victim and pretending as if all our problems stem from this one incident.

 

He filed for dissolution then for divorce behind my back, while we are still living together albeit in seperate rooms. I was relieved he filed but now we're stuck living together for 6 months while we battle it out for the house. We get along well and things are actually better now than before but it's a very small part of me that still wants the relationship. I think that part is more out of comfort than anything. He still wants the relationship and even had the divorce papers dismissed. Co-dependency was the name of the game and I want out of it.

 

Now for the biggest judge me part:

 

The professor and I? Now dating. My STBX husband knows this to an extent but we keep information exchange to a minimum. Oh, I know how absolutely ridiculous it seems and how counterproductive it is to, well, almost everything but I do not want to stop. The relationship did not come out of a lie (both men knew about the other and at first I shared FAR too much) but it did come out of the separation of my marriage. By no means is this the reason we've stayed separated or that I don't want my relationship anymore. I know my co-dependency issues drove me to be in relationships with men who were submissive and needy because I wanted something to control. At the same time they made me feel suffocated and bored.

 

This is going to sound asinine, naive and like I am justifying everything a and maybe on some level I am. J and I just have FAR more in common than STBX. Until we started seeing one another I never thought about my actual WANTS in another person. I just took what I could get most of the time and back whatever I felt like. I realize how much I tried to repair the cracks in my marriage before this happened. How I truly did change the way I did things so that it would benefit us. It's not something I did before and I made damn sure I was doing it with my husband.

 

I've also realized how important a college education is to me, that I do not need to be in control; in fact I want someone who is man enough to assert control over me to an extent. I want someone motivated, passionate, who enjoys the same kinds of things I do, fiscally responsible, close but not TOO close to their family, a person who shares my political and religious affliations, ect.

 

I know these are things most people think about before they even get married but I did not. It may be that marriage just is not for me - my mom always said I wasn't cut out for it. Anyway, J does for me what I didn't even know I needed done. He makes me calm down, get my emotions under control and then make decisions. He forces me to own everything I say and do (including the "affair"), encourages and helps me get to where I want to be in my career (no special favors) and oddly enough he doesn't allow me to get away with any B.S. that I normally would. There is no manipulation by tantrums, no meandering around things to get what I want, he knows what I'm doing before I even do it. We're equals in nearly every sense and most important we share the same career field. We have hard jobs, that people sometimes forget about and it's great to have someone who enjoys it as much as I do.

 

He is NOT perfect by any stretch of the imagination and we definitely aren't rushing into anything permanent. We're in a serious relationship and he calls me his girlfriend, though. He's met my friends and we spend a fair amount of time together. He told his friends/family that I'm married, separated and that we're involved. I know it seems illogical and crazy (it probably is) but at the very least it's helped me gain some footing emotionally and really focus on school, work and bettering myself. I've heard the adage that no one worth their salt would be with someone who is married. I used to think it was true but I am not so sure. Married is married and I am fully aware that what we're doing is "unacceptable" to most people. Normally, I am extra sensitive to what others think of me but somehow I'm not about this.

 

Wow that was really, really long and probably TMI but I just need to write it out somewhere. lol. I don't know what I'm looking for but I'll take whatever responses I receive with gratitude. Thank you!

 

Edited November 11, 2011 by bumblebe12

[ShatteredReality]

Sounds like you're headed for divorce #2 and possibly marriage #3. If this OM is truly who you love and want to spend the rest of your life with then it's best you just let go of the marriage. I can understand the underlying emotions that are causing waves for you here - but it looks fairly cut and dried...you have to battle it out for the house and do what you have to do - but ultimately your marriage is over. You may love him - and you always will, but you no longer care for him in that fashion - no the way you do for J.

 

When it comes down to it - you have to choose ONE of them. Who do you want to be with? Go from there. It's a mess alright...but it's one you'll be out of soon and be able to look back on - hopefully learn a thing or two.

[sexual chocolate]

bumblebe12:

 

Your tendency to move really fast in relationships, flip flopping between liking someone one day but vilifying them the next day, chaotic interpersonal relationships, etc., are all part of a bigger picture. I'm sure that your therapist has addressed this. For example, I can understand you fooling around with your professor during this difficult time in your life, but establishing a serious relationship with someone who, in your own words, was an ***. That's really way out there and there's something bigger going on. "Helps calm me down and gets my emotions under control then make decisions". I don't mean to be judgmental, but it sounds like there are some things you really need to address about yourself before even considering starting a serious relationship.

[bumblebe12]

bumblebe12:

 

Your tendency to move really fast in relationships, flip flopping between liking someone one day but vilifying them the next day, chaotic interpersonal relationships, etc., are all part of a bigger picture. I'm sure that your therapist has addressed this. For example, I can understand you fooling around with your professor during this difficult time in your life, but establishing a serious relationship with someone who, in your own words, was an ***. That's really way out there and there's something bigger going on. "Helps calm me down and gets my emotions under control then make decisions". I don't mean to be judgmental, but it sounds like there are some things you really need to address about yourself before even considering starting a serious relationship.

 

Shattered Reality and Sexual Chocolate:

Thank you both for your replies and the honesty! I appreciate it.

 

Shattered, you are right that my marriage is over and I've spent a lot of time thinking if I'm okay with that. I am. Hence the relief when my STBX filed for D. We are simply co-existing to get through it and we're nice to one another. Believe it or not - I don't know that I'm totally in love with J. I care about him but it has less to do with "love" and more to do with me. If we ended tomorrow, I would still be in the same place with my H and he knows this. I have been, what some would say TOO honest, with him about everything. Marriage is the last thing on my mind which is probably why I haven't fully let myself "fall in love" with J.

 

Sexual Chocolate: You raise a good point that I forgot in my original post: I have bi-polar 2/ADHD disorder and I take medication for both. They work quite well which is why I am far more equipped to realize a problem and take care of it rather than deal with the "problem" later. I think you mistook my "he was an ***" comment for what I actually knew. If you saw him, you'd likely think he was an a** too. He's a bodybuilder and definitely one of "those" guys. It was a snap judgement that I made the first day I walked in the room. Upon just talking to him, I realized that was not the case.

 

Part of the reason I believe I am okay with my M being over is because I see the bigger picture. We were in a downward spiral of drama and chaos (beginning before the mortgage debacle) and he was/is choosing to do nothing to help us recover. I know that I cannot handle a lot of non-stop drama because it makes me overly emotional. J is a logical, rational version of me and it does help me take a step back and not do the first thing that comes into my head. Trust me, I do that on my own but it's nice to have someone there who helps with that and doesn't make things more difficult.

 

Thank you both for the comments - all these things make me think and that's why I came on here after all these months. I wanted input from others.

[despicableME]

this is a common occurence with almost ALL the professors

 

Ummm... no. I never text back and forth with my professors like this. I don't want to bash you, but you are pretty niave to think he actually called you back because you "missed" something. He might be a professer, but he's a man also. You fell for his game plan hook-line-and-sinker. Who knows how many students he's done this with/to. Good luck on your 3rd marriage.

 

I guess he skippped the faculty orientation on ethical behavior towards students.

Edited November 11, 2011 by despicableME

[sexual chocolate]

Ummm... no. I never text back and forth with my professors like this. I don't want to bash you, but you are pretty niave to think he actually called you back because you "missed" something. He might be a professer, but he's a man also. You fell for his game plan hook-line-and-sinker. Who knows how many students he's done this with/to. Good luck on your 3rd marriage.

 

I guess he skippped the faculty orientation on ethical behavior towards students.

 

 

@DespicablME - don't be so sure about what she wrote and what actually happened. I wouldn't be surprised if there is this strong possibility that she could have flirted with this professor, dropped hints, etc. She probably deliberately "missed" something. There is this recurring theme of jumping from relationship to relationship. She is anything but naive ; )

[despicableME]

Totally... I just don't buy the "common occurence" bit about ALL professors texting their students... I mean how did he get her number in the first place? In an academic environment, professors relay the material via e-mail(informal), so as to prevent such things. This was more of a formal relationship between her and said professor-- HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE. I don't know... call me suspicious, but it seems like this guy has some priors in relation to this/these situation(s). It sounds like he uses his postion to draw unsuspecting women into his web. Believe it or not, you encounter many of these situations in academia.

[Lemon Drop]

bumblebe12,

 

What would be wrong with cooling it for a while? Telling the Professor that instead of making another mistake and getting all lathered up while still living in the house with your husband, you are going to take things slow and live an authentic deliberate life. If he takes kindly to this, you will see what his character is.

 

The picture that is painted of you and the Professor getting to know each other in such an intimate and close way, while the ink is barely dry on either your divorce papers or the putting off of the divorce papers is glum. Your husband sits at home reading those papers and eating beans out of a can while you are seeing your Professor seems sad. And DM and SC bring up good points.... it doesn't seem very ethical. Your new *** of a boyfriend can easily text other women from his class when he's not body building and that could be problematic later.

 

If you slow things down, well, waaaaay down and try not to get all filled up with happy man feelings, you will find your life will not be so chaotic. You may want to examine giving yourself time to find out who you are without a man at all. Or one who comes over to take you out and then brings you back home. Kudos for not adding any kids to the mix. This is your life and the choices you make determine the outcome. Ask the Buddha.

[sexual chocolate]

Totally... I just don't buy the "common occurence" bit about ALL professors texting their students... I mean how did he get her number in the first place? In an academic environment, professors relay the material via e-mail(informal), so as to prevent such things. This was more of a formal relationship between her and said professor-- HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE. I don't know... call me suspicious, but it seems like this guy has some priors in relation to this/these situation(s). It sounds like he uses his position to draw unsuspecting women into his web. Believe it or not, you encounter many of these situations in academia.

 

 

....and that is why she picked this professor. She is two steps ahead of everybody else and selected a target with a chink in his armor. By carefully grooming and staging her target prospects, she was able to identify a professor who probably has an inclination for crossing ethical boundaries with attractive women. This isn't just happenstance........

 

I can tell that BumbleBe12 is very attractive and also very charming.

[despicableME]

...ya think?

[robf1971]

At the end of the night he kissed me - I am NOT a cheater.

 

A true contradiction in terms

[robf1971]

,He filed for dissolution then for divorce behind my back,

 

I don't get it, why do you want to take the house from your husband? Can't you just move in with the professor?

 

I think your husband has been INCREDIBLY reasonable. Within 24 hours of you admitting to your cheating he should have packed your stuff in boxes and thrown you out. Also he should have exposed the professor and made him lose his job. Personally I wouldn't have hesitated for a microsecond to do that, most people I know would do the same too. I think your husband has been way to weak. But he's finally got the n*ds to divorce you. It's to be applauded.

 

As for you, you got issues, stick with the therapy!!!

[sexual chocolate]

What is it with some of you excoriating the professor for hitting on his students? It's not about him......don't you all get it? It's NOT the professor who set the stage for this inappropriate relationship. Yes, he probably thinks with the wrong head, but this girl did the heavy lifting with her sexual overtures, flirting, etc. She jumps from relationship to relationship, i.e. co-dependency. The professor is the best thing since sliced bread at the present time, but give it a couple of months and he too will be relegated to psycho status in her book. She'll make him out to be manipulative, abusive, etc. This girl is hot and probably has a smoking body- she gets what she wants.

[despicableME]

What is it with some of you excoriating the professor for hitting on his students? It's not about him......don't you all get it? It's NOT the professor who set the stage for this inappropriate relationship. Yes, he probably thinks with the wrong head

 

I disagree. Both of them had/have a hand in this, but the instructor is held to a higher standard given the ethics involved. He should know better. He's in a position of influence. Even though- as you say- she might have been pursuing him, he could've easily put a stop to this inappropriate behavior at any given time; yet, he played along.

[despicableME]

That may be so, but she is the one posting, not him.

 

 

 

Well that's pretty obvious. In the same verse, not every OW/OM is going to post here either... that doesn't make them any less culpable.

[despicableME]

You should take this act on the road... pretty amusing.

[sexual chocolate]

Ok ... will try it.

 

Hey Prof dude, for 31yrs old it's too late to think with your dyck.

 

We'll have to see if the message gets to him or not, i'm not getting my hopes up though.

 

 

That's funny!

 

What's also funny is some of these replies where the focus is on a small passage of her post(professor) as opposed to the big dysfunctional picture.

 

If it wasn't the professor it would have been the WalMart greeter. Get it everybody?

[despicableME]

the big dysfunctional picture.

 

You got it.

 

If it wasn't the professor it would have been the WalMart greeter. Get it everybody?

 

I highly doubt it... there's no prestige there.

[manup]

This is exactly what I thought.

[sexual chocolate]

It wouldn't have been the WalMart greeter, it had to be someone in a position of authority over her and who was buffed/macho/bad boy.

 

Look at her 2nd marriage which was basically with a nice guy that didn't get her hot (1yr), while she stayed longer (4yrs) with the ******* at start.

 

She even said it was a rebound to a perfect nice guy who would never harm her.

 

This girl doesn't know what she wants in a guy ... but the question is why (my money is on daddy issues).

 

 

Again, my point is that she jumps from relationship to relationship; the WalMart "guy" was posted in jest, satire, spoof.

[bumblebe12]

Wow. This thread drew more attention than I thought it would but definitely no less criticism than I assumed. I quickly scanned through responses so I will apologize if I skip anything in response. First, I am older than 23-25.

 

For clarification, in my graduate program all of the professors text and/or email us. It is not simply this one. We give our numbers out at the beginning of class because this is typically the fastest way to reach us. They give their personal cell(s) so you can text/call if you have questions or it's an emergency. I actually DID miss something (my entire handwritten final which I ran out of my house without) and we that was our second text ever. The first was about a reflection and a page missing in the book. There was no hot and heavy flirting or even a "signal" - we BOTH entered into this and he's no more responsible than I am.

 

My STBX actually got me VERY hot and bothered, that was never an issue, and I never claimed him or my exH to be "psycho" - I don't even think I villified them. My H is a good man and that is why I couldn't keep anything from him. As soon as the kiss happened I told him, not even 12 hours later. Are we compatible? In some areas, yes. However, even he shares the fact that we are better off as friends and not as a married couple.

 

I was not looking for another man or trying to find someone to replace my H, it was an out of the blue thing. Again, that's why I told my H immediately. I believe someone said something about my ExH being the "tough guy" I tried to change... not at all. We started dating when I was a sophomore in college. He was an only child, still lived at home, attached to his mom and played Call of Duty. There was nothing bad boy about him and he was in no way a big muscle guy who was so good-looking. He started off a nice, if not emotionally manipulative, person. It was my first really serious relationship and I did not want to leave it. We got engaged 3 weeks after he hit me for the first time, in front of my friends in a parking garage and I called the police on him. I was naive and very much blind to our problems. I had never been with someone abusive and it almost felt like I was watching someone else's life. I left him when I woke up to him on top of me in the middle of the night with a pillow over my face. Even now, I think he's a good person but we brought out the worst in one another.

 

I do not buy into the Disney fairytale (though I think I wanted that for awhile years ago) and I definitely don't think that J and I will have anything like that. I don't even know if there is a future there. The Prof and I had a discussion over the weekend and I told him I wanted to take a breather so that I could get myself together. After reading through this post and others on here, I saw it for what it was, a distraction and I think made the right choice to put it on the back-burner. I don't want there to be a marriage number 3. I can't even believe there's been 2.

 

I'm not sure if I missed anything but I'm more than willing to see everyone's comments and take them in. That's why I came on here. Not seeking support, just seeking other opinions. I respect the outsiders view of the situation. Please continue to give insight - all of it is helpful and makes me analyze things in a different light.

 

ETA: I re-read this and it seems extremely defensive. I do not mean it to come off that way. Merely a clarification, not a justification. What I did was wrong and I realize my issues go far beyond just this set of relationships.

Edited November 13, 2011 by bumblebe12
update info

[bumblebe12]

I'm not your therapist so I'm not going to enable you. Your entire post should be a huge red flag for you.

1 - you didn't say your age (ashamed ?), but i suspect you can't be more than 23-25. For someone to have been divorced twice by that age it is .... WOW.

2 - your 1st marriage you say it was abusive, you won't say anything about this so i'm gonna guess that he was a bad boy/strong guy and you tried to emasculate him ... didn't work, did it ?

Your 2nd marriage you say it was with a passive agressive wimp. As you pointed out, it made you feel safe, but the hard truth is that a passive agressive wimp who is irresponsible does not get you horny.

Then came Mr. Professor (somewhat older man no doubt) and he had the muscles too. Off-course when you saw him it reminded you of the guy in the 1st marriage. Off-course you wanted to see if he was like that guy, so you ended up with him.

3 - your teachers have your cell phone nr. That type of thing is totally innapropriate and it says more about you than them, because one of them having this is ... weird as hell, but the way you said it implied there are more. (no woman teacher nr there ... right ?)

As someone pointed out above (a woman who called you on your bull****), you are the nexus of all this, you send the signals. Men chase, women make the calls for 'here boy' with body language signals (generally speaking off-course).

So did you forgot something there, or did you 'forget' something there. You know what i'm talking about, i'm sure you left a thing or two at a guy's house before.

How many female friends (really good friends you hang out with), do you have ?

4 - 'my mom said i was not cut out for marriage'. Did she know something maybe ?

But where did it come from, i honestly doubt the day you were born your mom touched you and said 'you will have many broken marriages and die alone'.

What is your relationship with your dad like ? I'm guessing your mom and him got divorced when you were young or there was lots of cheating there.

We are not born predisposed to doing stuff like this, but our medium plays a major part. When we grow up, our role models when it comes to relationships are our parents. We can go against their ways or just follow through in the path they walked in but in the end, they define it. Maybe your mom knew what kind of a rolemodel their marriage would be to you.

5 - this relationship with your Mr Professor, won't work out.

As much as you would like to believe in Disney crap, it doesn't happen that way.

You cheated and you suffered 0 consequences. In fact your entire post that concerns with your cheating is 1 major blameshift. Sure your passive agressive hubby drove you to it, but YOU made the decision to cheat, and you suffered 0 consequences for it; this means that next time you will do it much easier.

You also had (you still have a bit), LSE (low self esteem).

Just count the nr of times you arrange your makeup/hair/clothes in social situations where there are unknown men and how many times you do it in bf's presence, and in the presence of your STBXH.

You started doing things for your, that give you worth (going to college), and you are excited about it ... you felt the need to mention it.

 

So in the end, if you work on :

1 - boundaries with men (on your end)

2 - self-worth issues

3 - make yourself suffer some consequences for your cheating

4 - get a male rolemodel you won't be tempted to **** you might end up in the end in a long term relationship with a good guy that can satisfy your needs.

 

But you won't ... because it is much easier to blameshift, and because through this medium (anonymous internet) you are invisible and unknown.

 

 

I missed this post in it's entirety so I wanted to be sure to respond to it the best I could. I addressed the professor texting thing in my other post but I will add that there are only 3 male teachers in my department. My advisor is female and she texts me fairly regularly. Like I said, this is common at my school and in my department. I actually think it's really weird and I find it disconcerting that my teachers text me. I suppose it's something to "bring them into current times" but I don't know.

 

I have all female friends. I used to have far more male friends but when I was with my exH, that stopped. I figured out I didn't spend enough time with other women. I am in a woman dominated field and I've got 8-10 very close female friends; they are different ages, in varying fields and different relationship statuses.

 

I admit I do struggle with SE issues off and on but I'm far more confident in who I am now. I've been in college for 10 years, this isn't something I just started. I also see your point in the whole dressing up and arranging of clothes. I definitely do not dress inappropriately or "slutty" - I'm too old for that. But I do like to look nice and well-put together (part of that has to do with my job).

 

I take FULL responsibility for my cheating. I am wondering how I blame-shifted. My H didn't make me do anything - we had our issues and he made mistakes but in the end it was my CHOICE and mine alone to cheat. I owned up to it immediately, I told my H the details (after we separated) that he asked for and I know exactly what I did to him by cheating. The consquences may not have come instantaneously but there will be more than just the complete end of my marriage. I could be making the entirely wrong choice here. I've said from the beginning, I could end up with everything or nothing - I need to be okay with that. I guess the point I was trying to make was that we had problems BEFORE the kiss with the prof. That was not the beginning of the problem; moreso just to be clear that I wasn't leaving my marriage simply based on my desire to be with OM.

 

You are dead on about "daddy issues", I definitely have them and I struggle all the time. That mixed with my BP disorder have been my undoing at several junctions. I will not get into the extremely personal details of things but the consquences that I faced because of my decisions have definitely been served. I work hard with my therapist and psychiatrist to resolve the issues and get on the right combo of meds. They may not ever go away but I do wish I had more positive male role models in my life. (BTW I don't **** every guy that gives me attention, my mumber is shockingly low FWIW)

 

Finally, my mom told me from the time I was 5 years old that I should "Never depend on a man to do anything for you because you can't trust them. You need to stay independent and stay single." This was one of those "tapes" I heard over and over again for 15 years. She told me I wasn't cut out for marriage when I was 16. I've heard it pretty consistently over the years.

 

--- I hope that fills in your questions and you are correct the anonymity I have the over the internet makes it easy for me to say whatever I want. However, I'm trying to give as much honest info as I can without detailing everything.

[doushenka]

Your professor is scum and should be ashamed of himself. He hadn't even graded your finals yet? Gawdamighty, what are the ethical standards like at your grad school, may I never go there! I'd be worried I didn't earn my grade if a professor of mine did that to me.

 

Your husband needs to run far and fast.

[bumblebe12]

What is it with some of you excoriating the professor for hitting on his students? It's not about him......don't you all get it? It's NOT the professor who set the stage for this inappropriate relationship. Yes, he probably thinks with the wrong head, but this girl did the heavy lifting with her sexual overtures, flirting, etc. She jumps from relationship to relationship, i.e. co-dependency. The professor is the best thing since sliced bread at the present time, but give it a couple of months and he too will be relegated to psycho status in her book. She'll make him out to be manipulative, abusive, etc. This girl is hot and probably has a smoking body- she gets what she wants.

 

SC - I went back and re-read your posts and I really have to state that nothing you've stated has been very constructive. You seem to be stuck on the idea that I am a hot girl who uses my body to get what I want. I, at no point, said anything about "flirting" or using "sexual overtures". Nothing I said even alluded to that happening. Stating these things like they are a fact, is simply a manifestation of your perception of ME, not the situation.

 

If you choose to focus the things you've made up about me, that is your right. But please do not bring them into a thread where I'm actually trying to elicit advice and perspective from others. You're on a more personal attack about my character and what you BELIEVE I do "all the time". I appreciate the feedback but launching into degrading tirades about how you assume me to be - is just not constructive.

 

I ask that you keep your judgements on me has a person, out of your future posts. Mircea offered similiar opinionss but phrased them in a more appropriate manner. They were difficult questions and harsh truths, not veiled attempts at turning me into some manipulative seductress with an agenda.

[Mircea]

I missed this post in it's entirety so I wanted to be sure to respond to it the best I could. I addressed the professor texting thing in my other post but I will add that there are only 3 male teachers in my department. My advisor is female and she texts me fairly regularly. Like I said, this is common at my school and in my department. I actually think it's really weird and I find it disconcerting that my teachers text me. I suppose it's something to "bring them into current times" but I don't know.

 

My bad than, over here this kind of thing is totally innapropriate. In fact when i went to college some of my pretty young and plump classmates were absolutely horrified when the teacher gave them their number and one even puked when he said 'you can get your grade book stamped on my nightstand'.

 

I have all female friends. I used to have far more male friends but when I was with my exH, that stopped. I figured out I didn't spend enough time with other women. I am in a woman dominated field and I've got 8-10 very close female friends; they are different ages, in varying fields and different relationship statuses.

 

Did it stop because he asked to, or because you felt it was innapropriate ?

 

I admit I do struggle with SE issues off and on but I'm far more confident in who I am now. I've been in college for 10 years, this isn't something I just started. I also see your point in the whole dressing up and arranging of clothes. I definitely do not dress inappropriately or "slutty" - I'm too old for that. But I do like to look nice and well-put together (part of that has to do with my job).

 

I take FULL responsibility for my cheating. I am wondering how I blame-shifted. My H didn't make me do anything - we had our issues and he made mistakes but in the end it was my CHOICE and mine alone to cheat. I owned up to it immediately, I told my H the details (after we separated) that he asked for and I know exactly what I did to him by cheating. The consquences may not have come instantaneously but there will be more than just the complete end of my marriage. I could be making the entirely wrong choice here. I've said from the beginning, I could end up with everything or nothing - I need to be okay with that. I guess the point I was trying to make was that we had problems BEFORE the kiss with the prof. That was not the beginning of the problem; moreso just to be clear that I wasn't leaving my marriage simply based on my desire to be with OM.

 

You don't see anything wrong here ?

You like to play the field, you have suffered 0 consequences for your actions.

I don't know why your man is so passive ... maybe he sees you for what you are and he's done with you, maybe he likes being a cuckold, maybe he's just a wimp.

But the point is that you have suffered nothing for your actions and because of this in the long run you will repeat this with your Prof.

It's easy to say 'i take full responsability' when nothing changes in the world when you say it, when you are not treated any differently for saying it.

 

You are dead on about "daddy issues", I definitely have them and I struggle all the time. That mixed with my BP disorder have been my undoing at several junctions. I will not get into the extremely personal details of things but the consquences that I faced because of my decisions have definitely been served. I work hard with my therapist and psychiatrist to resolve the issues and get on the right combo of meds. They may not ever go away but I do wish I had more positive male role models in my life. (BTW I don't **** every guy that gives me attention, my mumber is shockingly low FWIW)

 

I was strictly referring to a male role model you would under no way be tempted to ****.

I didn't try to suggest that you screw every guy that says hi to you.

It was interesting to see from you some emotion though, as you didn't display much when you said 'i take full responsability for my cheating'.

 

Finally, my mom told me from the time I was 5 years old that I should "Never depend on a man to do anything for you because you can't trust them. You need to stay independent and stay single." This was one of those "tapes" I heard over and over again for 15 years. She told me I wasn't cut out for marriage when I was 16. I've heard it pretty consistently over the years.

 

See, part of what she said is true. You should not depend in the modern world on having a man to take care of you ... unless you are a succesfull model sugar-daddy's are hard to come by and most of the models have much less self-esteem than you think you do.

The other part is why i have had bad relationships with girls that come from broken homes and why my friends have also had this. One parent takes out his/hers frustrations on the child and messes up that child for a long time.

 

--- I hope that fills in your questions and you are correct the anonymity I have the over the internet makes it easy for me to say whatever I want. However, I'm trying to give as much honest info as I can without detailing everything.

 

 

PS: I went a bit overboard with generalising on the post you quoted, the first part of it anyway.