A fine mess I've made...

[bumblebe12]

PS: I went a bit overboard with generalising on the post you quoted, the first part of it anyway.

 

Thank you for listening and responding to what I had to say in response. I tried to answer you as honestly as possible. I will agree that maybe I haven't had the consequences you would deem appropriate, maybe I have. As I said in my post, I will not disclose every detail but I have had some serious consequences - not only for this but for other bad choices that I have made.

 

That may be why I come off as unemotional in regards to my ownership of cheating. Trust that I have suffered karmic retribution several times over but I don't think those things are ones I want to bring to an anonymous internet board. I'm paying for it right now and every single day. Not because I may end up with nothing; but because I have already lost quite a bit and continue to do so. I also hurt someone that I do love and that is not what I ever intended on doing.

 

My STBX has not taken this as kindly as I have made it to be and I don't blame him at all. I would have stormed out the second I heard. I think it's more about the fact that he gets out of something he truly wasn't ready to be in (not saying I was). He's kind of reveled in being able to go back to being a "bachelor". That's his right and I don't fault him for doing so. It does make my choice even more clear, though.

 

Girls (and guys) from single parent households are often subjects of poor relationships in the future. I think that's why I have tried to be proactive in forming what I thought were solid relationships. I am sorry that you have had bad luck with women in the same situation as I am. I don't wish it upon anyone. Funny thing is all 3 men come from 2 parent households where the parents have been together 20+ years. *shrugs* I don't know what to think about that.

 

You made a lot of great points and things that made me think more in-depth. I thank you for that because the importance of perspective is not lost on me.

 

***BTW - my ExH didn't control who I was friends nearly as much as my H does now. I made girlfriends only because I was sick of men lol***

[Mircea]

1 - if you got married and divorced in little over 1yr, i don't think you tend to pick your relationships carefully.

2 - karmic retribution is ... funny expression. It means that there is some divine order to the Universe that gives punishment and reward for the bad and good that you do. It also means that it's out of your hands. This is why i still believe you haven't truly suffered consequences.

You are on the edge of a knife right now with the cheating, if you want to not do this in the future, you need to be quite scared of the consequences, and how can you be scared of the consequences if you won't even claim responsability for your actions ?

 

I'll give you an example in my own life, it's of a small thing but maybe you'll get an ideea.

When i was a young boy of about 11, electronic poker games started appearing over here. One of my best friends at the time told me how he managed to win this huge sum of money that was the equivalent of a serious week's pay.

Eventually curiosity got the better of me, and i went and played. I lost, but that was not the end of it, i went home and took money (a small sum that we kept for small groceries and stuff like mineral water which was my duty to buy) to play it, thinking that i will replace it when i make it big.

Obviously, i lost it. I started thinking of how much i had lost, of how to try again, but i quickly realised after talking with other boys who had played that ... it was out of the ordinary to win, in fact you were 95% sure to lose.

I went home and pretended like nothing had happened.

However my mum noticed the money missing and asked if i had bought something, i said no, and i came clean about what i had done. She scolded me because the money was the family's money; i had in fact stolen from everyone in the family.

She didn't punish me severely or tell my father i think, but that word ... stealing scared me. I started thinking of how i would lose all the money we had, starting to steal stuff from the house to pawn and pay for my trying to 'make it big'. I spent a night like this, and i cried.

Even though i was tempted that summer to try again, i never even went in an electronic poker arcade untill i was in college (i needed directions) ... and i remembered it all.

 

We need consequences in our lives, because otherwise we lie to ourselves, and with everyone in the world lying to you, don't you need yourself on your side ?

3 - so did my relationships, in fact over here there is a huge social stigma attached to ppl who have split, unless we are talking serious abuse. And yet my present count is 5 ... all 2 parents homes.

4 - i'm serious about the male rolemodel thing. You need to find yourself one, and you need to find one that doesn't see you as a sexual being (maybe dress down in horrible clothes when you talk to him). Someone who doesn't get validated by talking to you, and you need to establish serious bounderies with the men in your life, what is appropriate and what is not depending on the relationship.

Maybe even try talking to some retired women in a retirement home, you don't need to take in everything they say, but you those ppl went through a lifetime of experiences (dress down for them too).

 

good luck.