despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 (edited) While reading through these threads/posts(very helpful), I've come across a fair amount of them where OM/OW just can't let go of the experience that was shared with thier respective AP- not that its an easy thing to do, mind you. Given this situation, is it fair or realistic to think you can REALLY give another person an honest shot at winning you over. A recent poster: Maybe someday I will love another man, but it could never be like it was with my beloved xMM. I really have never been a weak person and have good self discipline, it was out of my character: But I would do it all again if I could. He smelled like what I hope my heaven smells like, if I'm lucky. If I were married, I would have divorced to be with him, but alas, he was married and still is... such is life. ME: If I understand correctly, you haven't found anyone "quite" like this OM yet... but aren't you always going to compare your new beau(relationship) to this OM, thus sabotaging any other person's chances to win you over. I mean... these OM/OW make lasting impressions that are very difficult to erase from our psyche, heart, memory, etc. How can anyone else get a fair chance in the midst of these experiences? And say that you did find that certain someone, would you forget about your OM/OW... would you still be pining for them... would you run to them if the became available? Any thoughts? Edited November 12, 2011 by despicableME Link to post Share on other sites
Anna101 Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Does it necessarily have anything to do with the fact he's a MM or OM etc? Some people simply fall in love and take a LONG time to believe they'll ever find something that good again. Sometimes, the reality is you DON'T - not everyone ends up happily ever after and in love. I do think though, the affair is slightly addictive. Not because of the the drama, sex etc, but because you are basically on an intermittent schedule of positive reinforcement, and all that does is strengthen the behaviour (of waiting, wanting them). Even now that I'm with him, I STILL feel 'ooh an SMS' when he sends one! I was so conditioned to finding that exciting, that even now when it's 'can you get some milk', I still get the same feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 If I were married, I would have divorced to be with him, but alas, he was married and still is... such is life. That perspective will absolutely affect any dating. She's not open to anyone else right now. With time, I think it's possible for that perspective to change. In time, you can come to believe that it's possible to have something genuinely better than what you had in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Any thoughts? Yup. It's the same exact thing people say in other R's. I'm never gonna find someone like him/her. I'm never gonna fall in love again, ever. I'm never gonna date again. My life is over. ... there's nothing unique about it when it happens as the result of an R with a MM/MW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 Seems it's difficult to get clear resolution when one partner is married because it leaves the door open just a crack when someone has expressed that they love you but yet (fill in the blank) they can't be with you. Also, for the ow who walks away because the pain becomes too great, she doesn't feel closure. The "what might have been", "what should have been" thing. Closure indeed... very true. Some people simply fall in love and take a LONG time to believe they'll ever find something that good again. It's the same exact thing people say in other R's. I'm never gonna find someone like him/her. I also agree with this. It doesn't have to be an OM/OW... just an intense relationship that is... well... UNFORGETABLE. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I also agree with this. It doesn't have to be an OM/OW... just an intense relationship that is... well... UNFORGETABLE. Yet, when we think those type of things, time often manages to prove us wrong. We think we had the greatest love we'll ever know, but then someone comes along to change our mind. We think we don't ever want to fall in love again, but someone comes along and makes us feel differently. A lot of it is just part of the process of dealing with our pain. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 Yup. It's the same exact thing people say in other R's. I'm never gonna find someone like him/her. I'm never gonna fall in love again, ever. I'm never gonna date again. My life is over. ... there's nothing unique about it when it happens as the result of an R with a MM/MW. I agree with the above. However I think a key difference that may lead to someone living in the past or "glorifying" the WS/AP is that in most other relationships they end because they have run their course and both people can see that. However when an affair ends, it can often be with no warning and not due to any change in feelings etc. One day it was there, the next it isn't and with no clear explanation or ability to discuss with each other "what went wrong" or "how can we fix this". It just ends as brutally as that when at least one person is probably just as emotionally involved and happy in the relationship as they have ever been Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I agree with the above. However I think a key difference that may lead to someone living in the past or "glorifying" the WS/AP is that in most other relationships they end because they have run their course and both people can see that. However when an affair ends, it can often be with no warning and not due to any change in feelings etc. One day it was there, the next it isn't and with no clear explanation or ability to discuss with each other "what went wrong" or "how can we fix this". It just ends as brutally as that when at least one person is probably just as emotionally involved and happy in the relationship as they have ever been Yes, the ending of an A can leave someone with a lot of "what ifs". Other Rs can too, depending on the circumstances, but As are almost guaranteed to have what-ifs by their very nature, starting with: what if we had met or been together when we were both single and available. Also, some single people getting involved in affairs have commitment issues and just like being in an A might fill some need surrounding those issues, pining after an unavailable person can fill some of the same needs. For those individuals, looking deeper into themselves, they might learn that they have been steering clear of real commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I think in breakups it is normal to put this person on a pedestal for a while and feel like no one can replace them....even if the person is not that great. I did it with my ex and sure enough, 2 years later I no longer feel that way and find it insane that I thought that lol. My exAP....he is a great guy, but I don't think he is irreplaceable. My idea is that all relationships that end, end for a reason and it is possible to meet someone as good or better. I believe we have multiple "ones" and not only one single "one". So I am not big on the "lost love" idea. All my exes are exes for clear reasons and I just don't possess a desire to "go back" or have a second chance. I agree with LadyGrey that it is unfortunate when people lament over an exAP or even regular ex they've put on a pedestal for years. I do believe, as despicable has pointed to, that it is possible to shut yourself off from others and create a self-fulfilling prophecy where no one matches up because you don't allow them to. This type of thinking is normal in the beginning but if it starts really going into years and years then I do believe one needs to do some type of emotional or spiritual work to break through that kind of feeling/thinking....esp if the other person doesn't feel that way or is not planning to be with you ever again...it really is a horrible waste. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I agree with MissBee that ex's are ex's for a reason. Regarding the person I was involved with, it was a different feeling though. However, after therapy, I am not at risk when it comes to comparing a future relationship. I am confident in the fact that I will meet someone and if we are a good match, I will let them into my life without comparisons. Afterall, it was my own personal issus that lead me down the affair path to begin with. Once I figured that out, the risk of comparing was gone. I'm a firm believer in that if you are stuck, that means there's work to do...on yourself! As carhill says, "that's my data point." Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I agree with the above. However I think a key difference that may lead to someone living in the past or "glorifying" the WS/AP is that in most other relationships they end because they have run their course and both people can see that. However when an affair ends, it can often be with no warning and not due to any change in feelings etc. One day it was there, the next it isn't and with no clear explanation or ability to discuss with each other "what went wrong" or "how can we fix this". It just ends as brutally as that when at least one person is probably just as emotionally involved and happy in the relationship as they have ever been As I've said in other threads, A's do not present anything unique. Abrupt endings happen in any type of R. I don't know the numbers, so I don't know if they happen any more in an A than they do in any other R. "I don't know what happened. He just quit calling." ... is said so often, it's become a cliche'. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I do believe, as despicable has pointed to, that it is possible to shut yourself off from others and create a self-fulfilling prophecy where no one matches up because you don't allow them to. This type of thinking is normal in the beginning but if it starts really going into years and years then I do believe one needs to do some type of emotional or spiritual work to break through that kind of feeling/thinking....esp if the other person doesn't feel that way or is not planning to be with you ever again...it really is a horrible waste. It's long, but that's worth repeating often enough to be a sig. One of the big problems is when people give too much credit to someone else, for making them who they are. To truly be a part of a successful R, each person must be whole without the other. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 I agree with somovinon that unrequited love can happen in any relationship. Just read the break-up and dating forums - they probably have more activity than this one does. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 As I've said in other threads, A's do not present anything unique. Other than the fact that at least one party to the affair is already in a supposedly committed relationship with someone else. I would say that is a fundamental difference. Abrupt endings happen in any type of R. Agreed I don't know the numbers, so I don't know if they happen any more in an A than they do in any other R. I said that in an affair an abrupt ending was more likely. Do you really think that is not the case????? "I don't know what happened. He just quit calling." ... is said so often, it's become a cliche'. Yes this happens in non-affairs but I would say that based on LS this happens far more in affairs than in other relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I agree with MissBee that ex's are ex's for a reason. Regarding the person I was involved with, it was a different feeling though. However, after therapy, I am not at risk when it comes to comparing a future relationship. I am confident in the fact that I will meet someone and if we are a good match, I will let them into my life without comparisons. Afterall, it was my own personal issus that lead me down the affair path to begin with. Once I figured that out, the risk of comparing was gone. I'm a firm believer in that if you are stuck, that means there's work to do...on yourself! As carhill says, "that's my data point." Indeed. I was stuck for a good while...once I started working on myself and took the focus off him, things sped up and I healed! Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Indeed. I was stuck for a good while...once I started working on myself and took the focus off him, things sped up and I healed! I hear ya loud and clear! It was very much the same for me. It opened a whole new world for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I can honestly say that I will never stop loving him. He was my friend and that in itself is more of having someone you’ve known most of your adult life grow with you. It’s hard to explain. I can say that I understand we both made huge mistakes. In life I can’t look for someone like him but I can look for someone to love differently. I think people love in different ways and that is what will make some of us move forward in life. You can’t hold on to finding someone to love you like your ex-AP. It will/should all be new. The question of running all depends on in that moment. If in that moment the love is still there to even try and make a go at it. No one gets a fair chance after you’ve been in love with someone. You just now know what you want on your canvas and what you don’t. Life’s a learning process and as long as you’re willing to try something different and grow you’ll be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I said that in an affair an abrupt ending was more likely. Do you really think that is not the case????? As I said, I don't know. "I don't know the numbers, so I don't know if they happen any more in an A than they do in any other R." I don't know how often it happens in A's. I don't know how often it happens in other R's. Do you? Yes this happens in non-affairs but I would say that based on LS this happens far more in affairs than in other relationships. Based on read this section of the forum, or this section and the dating section? How statistically accurate would that be? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 SMO I expressed my views as to why I think some may struggle to get past an affair compared to other relationships. I did not attack anybody in affairs. I did not say that people involved are crazy, evil, etc. I stand by my view being valid and not some bizarre twist of logic. Yet you seem to be quite bothered by what I have said. You seem to have great difficulty in accepting that your personal view of affairs is not everybodys. I note that you did not address my comment where I disagreed with you when you said that affairs do not present anything unique when compared to other relationships. Do you need us all to post in a way that supports your view? Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Anne, I agree with your viewpoint. In an EMA that has a D-Day, the BW insists that the WS cut all ties immediately with the OW, IF he WANTS to stay married. Most WS that DO want to stay married, will do whatever it takes to remain that way. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 SMO I expressed my views as to why I think some may struggle to get past an affair compared to other relationships. I did not attack anybody in affairs. I did not say that people involved are crazy, evil, etc. I stand by my view being valid and not some bizarre twist of logic. Yet you seem to be quite bothered by what I have said. You seem to have great difficulty in accepting that your personal view of affairs is not everybodys. I note that you did not address my comment where I disagreed with you when you said that affairs do not present anything unique when compared to other relationships. Do you need us all to post in a way that supports your view? It seems that way.... Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Yet you seem to be quite bothered by what I have said. Or I simply disagree. You seem to have great difficulty in accepting that your personal view of affairs is not everybodys. Whereas those who repeatedly try to tell me I am wrong, while ignoring points made, do so well at accepting that their views are not everybody's? If I'd just give in, we'd all be fine, right? I note that you did not address my comment where I disagreed with you when you said that affairs do not present anything unique when compared to other relationships. That point was addressed in several of my responses. I imagine I didn't see the need it addressing it again. Do you need us all to post in a way that supports your view? Nope. Do you need the rest of us to post in a way that supports your view? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 The difference SMO is that I see my opinion (which some have also agreed with) as valid as yours and anybody elses. I do not assume that my way is the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts