Newbie here: The long, slow build and the Meltdown

[Disco Nap]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum but I can see it's a safe place to post so here is my story.

 

I've had a very heated flirtation with a guy at work who is 13 years older than me, married, kids, and is kind of in a mentoring role to me. This flirtation has went on for probably 5 years with neither of us moving on it. Recently it started to get a bit more heated because I was transferred to another office and no longer work directly with him.

 

Well, last Friday, after attending a charity event, he ended up at my place. We kissed and then it started to move very quickly from there. In the middle of events, he had a drastic change of heart. (The timing could not have been worse!) After backing off, then beginning again, then backing off, he kept saying my name repeatedly and telling me how great I was but he just couldn't do it. (Although he kept doing it.) He was not drinking.

 

He finally left, and phoned early the next morning to say how much he respects me, how guilty he feels and that he hope this hasn't ruined our friendship.

 

I know he was extremely upset for the next few days - I was worried about him. I went to visit him in his office (work-related), and it was not awkward for me, but he seemed like he wanted to talk about it, and I noticed his eyes glancing...downward. Later in the day he came to see me in my temporary office, but stood very far away and acted like a nervous school-boy. He left the office without reviewing some work I wanted his opinion on, and then emailed the next day to say he was sorry he didn't review the work. I didn't reply.

 

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I still have a crush on him (if crush is the right word) and I don't even know what type of advice I'm asking of this board - I just don't understand this reaction, after making moves towards this event for years.

 

Also, I mentioned that others in the office are talking and have been for a long time (he has not been discreet with his flirting!)...and he said he does not care at all about public perception - which is one of my main concerns.

 

I dunno...any thoughts on this? I plan on no contact for the next few weeks to give a cooling off period. I don't regret that night, and feel sad that he reacted the way he did.

[sad puppy]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum but I can see it's a safe place to post so here is my story.

 

I've had a very heated flirtation with a guy at work who is 13 years older than me, married, kids, and is kind of in a mentoring role to me. This flirtation has went on for probably 5 years with neither of us moving on it. Recently it started to get a bit more heated because I was transferred to another office and no longer work directly with him.

 

Well, last Friday, after attending a charity event, he ended up at my place. We kissed and then it started to move very quickly from there. In the middle of events, he had a drastic change of heart. (The timing could not have been worse!) After backing off, then beginning again, then backing off, he kept saying my name repeatedly and telling me how great I was but he just couldn't do it. (Although he kept doing it.) He was not drinking.

 

He finally left, and phoned early the next morning to say how much he respects me, how guilty he feels and that he hope this hasn't ruined our friendship.

 

I know he was extremely upset for the next few days - I was worried about him. I went to visit him in his office (work-related), and it was not awkward for me, but he seemed like he wanted to talk about it, and I noticed his eyes glancing...downward. Later in the day he came to see me in my temporary office, but stood very far away and acted like a nervous school-boy. He left the office without reviewing some work I wanted his opinion on, and then emailed the next day to say he was sorry he didn't review the work. I didn't reply.

 

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I still have a crush on him (if crush is the right word) and I don't even know what type of advice I'm asking of this board - I just don't understand this reaction, after making moves towards this event for years.

 

Also, I mentioned that others in the office are talking and have been for a long time (he has not been discreet with his flirting!)...and he said he does not care at all about public perception - which is one of my main concerns.

 

I dunno...any thoughts on this? I plan on no contact for the next few weeks to give a cooling off period. I don't regret that night, and feel sad that he reacted the way he did.

 

Listen, what happened to you was an extremely fortunate event. Leave it be. Read these boards to see and feel the heartache of many OW's who got involved with a married man. People are on meds, people have lost their self esteem, people have settled for way less than they deserve to stay in these relationships. Listen up - be grateful he ended it when he did. He knew it did not feel like the right thing to do, and you know, deep in your heart, it is not the right thing for you. Walk on.

[spice4life]

He reacted the way he did, most likely due to his own personal issues and boundaries - there is nothing wrong with that because that is how he feels. Respect his right to his own feelings. You can't change him or force him to go beyond his own personal boundaries. The only thing you can do is respect them and the friendship will survive. It's that simple actually.

 

Best wishes.

[alexandria35]

I think he may come around for some more of that action once his guilt subsides and the urge builds up again. Then he will back off again feeling guilty. Is that what you want? Personally I would feel sick if I slept with someone only to see them looking guilty and ashamed of it the next day.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

He reacted the way he did, most likely due to his own personal issues and boundaries - there is nothing wrong with that because that is how he feels. Respect his right to his own feelings. You can't change him or force him to go beyond his own personal boundaries. The only thing you can do is respect them and the friendship will survive. It's that simple actually.

 

Best wishes.

 

I agree.

 

Maybe the whole thing establishes him as being BARELY ABOVE the typical scoundrel who cheats on his wife and thinks nothing of it.

[rockergirl]

run dont walk from this situation. you are setting yourself up for a mess like you wouldnt beleive. he is not available no matter what he tells you. you have to be STRONG, get rid of him fast. he has a wife and children.