Is waiting ever worth it?

[hockeyfan09]

OK.. so I've signed up for this forum because I need help. I can't ask friends or family because I know the advice will be biased. I also can't ask any of my close coworkers because it involves another.

 

Here is the back story. About a year and half ago I started talking to a woman I work with. I'm the sales guy, and she is the sales admin. It started out innocent enough, we developed a good friendship. She had a boyfriend, and I was out dating... so we had lots of fun stories to share, and advice to give each-other. We talked about our lives, our goals, and just shared everything with each other. It wasn't long before we were flirting.. and teasing each other.. and I think we both started to get a little too close. We even ended up stopping talking for a few months.. but then things heated up again. One night she ended up coming over to my house, and I cooked her dinner. We were suppose to just hang out, but one thing led to another and things happened. This was 6 months ago. It had been a roller coaster since.. with her not sure what she wants, pushing me away only for us to end up talking and hanging out again shortly after. I am just as guilty, as I've never been able to say no to her. I fell in love with her... deeply. Aside from the infidelity thing, she is exactly the person I always saw myself finding. But things have came crashing down to have blown up.

 

About two weeks ago.. I told her that I was done being the second man. she had already met my family at a concert that everyone went too.. We both had admitted there were some serious deep feelings, and she had already said she believed we were going to end up together. She had compared us to "jim and pam" from the office.. and hinted that she thought we were something much much more. So I told her, made a choice.. because I can't go on doing this. Initially she ignored me, a week later, tried to talk to me.. and I reminded her again, I didn't want to continue on talking/hanging out and if she wanted "us" she could contact me then. She in a round about bitched me out, so that night I removed her from my FB and prepared for the worst. Only.. the worst never came... she was upset, and all of a sudden telling me things she never had before. she stood infront of me.. told me she wanted to be with me, that she was scared of love in life, that she knew the feelings for her bf were never going to get any deeper and she though what we could have could be something amazing.. She told her family about me.. and she was leaving the boyfriend. It was surreal... Over the next few days we talked about a future together.. whether we could keep the romance and passion up.. etc. Fast forward a few days, and she tried to break it off with the boyfriend. He cried, promised to try harder, to spend more time with her, to take her on vacations, said that he loved her and wanted to be old people together and he would take care of her. So she decided to give him a second chance and emailed me.. and appologized if I had miss understood her.

 

After the anger subsided i've realized that she needs to do this.. and shes explained that she needs to experience whether he can change. I get that.. I wouldnt want her to look back at her ex and wonder what if. It would mean she and I had no chance. It hurts.. but I understand why she needs to do this. Shes since said she can't ask me to wait, and knows she cant talk about what we are, of if there is maybe a chance for us.. etc.. and she is sad she blew it but knows she can't keep us both. Shes sorry but she has to give him the chance. She said if she ends up on her ass.. she knows i likely wont want to hear from her and she seems to KNOW that her and this man wont work.. but yet she is giving him this chance.

 

I want to believe that she loves me, and needs to do this and we will eventually end up together. But others have told me that I'm wasting my time and need to move on. She swears she has never lied to me about any of the feelings she has for me... and that she thinks about me day and night. If this is true.. she will come back right? I'm not saying I'll just welcome her back... but I've never had a doubt shes the one for me.. I've dated lots, I've had long term relationships, I'm a "nice guy' or so I am told, and finding dates has never been an issue.. but no one has ever captivated me like this before.

 

I don't know if waiting is worth it.. or if I should just change jobs and disappear?

[spice4life]

If I have learned anything about affairs it's not to wait for a person who is attached to another. To do so means you will be put through a constant rince and repeat cycle. The best thing you can do is live your own life as if they are not a part of it. As hard as it is, do not focus and what she is and is not doing because until she is unattached it does not matter. She wll never clearly understand her feelings about you until she completely let's go of him. She is in safety net mode meaning, if one doesn't work out she has the other. This stops her from being fully present and available to you.

 

Don't you deserve more than that? If you accept the circumstanes as they are now and stay, you are short changing yourself. I know it may be hard to see because your judgement is being clouded by the feelings you have for her, but it is not fair to you. If she truly loves you she would let you go until she sorts herself out and is free and clear to have a relationship with you. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, she just may not understand why she is keeping a safety net. Until she understands her motivations behind those actions, she will not clearly see what it is doing to you. She will also not see how unfair it is. But alas, that is her issue to iron out within herself and you have no control over it. You do however, have control over your own actions. You can either stay and accept crumbs or take control of what you want and tell her you have too much respect for yourself to be treated like this. If you choose the latter, it will hurt, but you will feel empowered because you set a personal boundary of what you will accept and what you won't.

 

Hope this helps! Best wishes on your journey. It is afterall, your journey to live and you DO have choices.

[spice4life]

If I have learned anything about affairs it's not to wait for a person who is attached to another. To do so means you will be put through a constant rince and repeat cycle. The best thing you can do is live your own life as if they are not a part of it. As hard as it is, do not focus and what she is and is not doing because until she is unattached, it does not matter. She wll never clearly understand her feelings for you until she completely let's go of him. She is in safety net mode. Meaning, if one doesn't work out she has the other. This stops her from being fully present and available to you.

 

Don't you deserve more than that? If you accept the circumstanes as they are now and stay, you are short changing yourself. I know it may be hard to see because your judgement is being clouded by the feelings you have for her, but it is not fair to you. If she truly loves you she would let you go until she sorts herself out and is free and clear to have a relationship with you. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, she just may not understand why she is keeping a safety net. Until she understands her motivations behind those actions, she will not clearly see what it is doing to you. She will also not see how unfair it is. But alas, that is her issue to iron out within herself and you have no control over it. You do however, have control over your own actions. You can either stay and accept crumbs or take control of what you want and tell her you have too much respect for yourself to be treated like this. If you choose the latter, it will hurt, but you will feel empowered because you set a personal boundary of what you will accept and what you won't.

 

Hope this helps! Best wishes on your journey. It is afterall, your journey to live and you DO have choices.

[spice4life]

Sorry for the double post...not sure how that happened! I was in the middle of editing and it posted a second reply.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dude, because youre deeply in love with her (your mistake) you cant see through her words, but I can. And I say dont believe a word she says. I think you were used. There is some reason that she is still fully attached to her boyfriend that she didnt tell you, but since she is still fully attached to him, that means she was never attached to you, I dont care what she says.

 

She sounds like the married man who promises his mistress that he will leave his wife, but its just to keep the mistress.

 

I think she had a plan. I think what happened is her bf neglected her for a while, so she got affection from you. Once he realized she wasnt bugging him for attention anymore and backed off, thats when he started working to get her again, and then she dumps you.

 

So I think she never had any intention on keeping you around. Even worse, she could have the story flipped in her favor. She could have been the one begging for a second chance with him, if he saw text messages on her phone from you. Which makes your whole situation worse. This is why I dont bother with women with boyfriends, you might not get the full picture if youre in the ether of "love" - or infatuation. I also have my rebound radar on extra sensitive to make sure I see any signs of non-genuine behavior, so I can see shyt like this coming.

 

So cut her off completely and forget about her. Her heart isnt with you, and if I were you, I'd assume it never was.

[hockeyfan09]

thank you spice4life.. I guess what complicates things further, is she told me as she was trying to break things off, she told him that she had been talking to someone and had developed feelings and thought we had more in common. The guy actually guessed it was me. The christmas party in a month should be mighty awkward. I thought of staying away, but I don't want to hide myself away. I just hope he doesn't dig too deep and discover the real truth..

 

..and we have agreed to go our separate ways. She send me a big email about her understanding that I was hurt by her actions, shes dealing with the repercussions of not being able to keep us both, and knows I dont hate her, but dont love her either, and that she destroyed any chance we might have had, and said she would fade away. Since then we have not talked or emailed.

 

I just hope I don't get an email in a week or two (as I always do) about her missing me and wanting to talk.

[spice4life]

thank you spice4life.. I guess what complicates things further, is she told me as she was trying to break things off, she told him that she had been talking to someone and had developed feelings and thought we had more in common. The guy actually guessed it was me. The christmas party in a month should be mighty awkward. I thought of staying away, but I don't want to hide myself away. I just hope he doesn't dig too deep and discover the real truth..

 

..and we have agreed to go our separate ways. She send me a big email about her understanding that I was hurt by her actions, shes dealing with the repercussions of not being able to keep us both, and knows I dont hate her, but dont love her either, and that she destroyed any chance we might have had, and said she would fade away. Since then we have not talked or emailed.

 

I just hope I don't get an email in a week or two (as I always do) about her missing me and wanting to talk.

 

Ah...I see. Quick question though, you don't love her? If you don't then why are worried about waiting? Just curious.

 

Regarding an email from her, you will probably get one if that is her pattern. It doesn't really mean much though unless she has become unattached. It probably means that her bf has slipped back into old habits and she is feeling neglected again. She reaches out to you for validation that you still feel she is special - I'm willing to bet. It's up to you whether or not to respond.

[hockeyfan09]

Ah...I see. Quick question though, you don't love her? If you don't then why are worried about waiting? Just curious.

 

Regarding an email from her, you will probably get one if that is her pattern. It doesn't really mean much though unless she has become unattached. It probably means that her bf has slipped back into old habits and she is feeling neglected again. She reaches out to you for validation that you still feel she is special - I'm willing to bet. It's up to you whether or not to respond.

 

 

She accused me of hating her for what happened... and I told her I didn't hate her, but I was sick of the games and couldn't be part of it anymore.

 

The boyfriend promised to be everything to her that I was apparently.. and that he would step up and prove himself. I would expect faced with the prospects of losing the woman you love (she apparently was shocked how much he said he cared for her).. you'd change in a hurry. Not sure if that is a perm. thing or something that slips away once he feels the competition is gone. hard to say.

[spice4life]

She accused me of hating her for what happened... and I told her I didn't hate her, but I was sick of the games and couldn't be part of it anymore.

 

The boyfriend promised to be everything to her that I was apparently.. and that he would step up and prove himself. I would expect faced with the prospects of losing the woman you love (she apparently was shocked how much he said he cared for her).. you'd change in a hurry. Not sure if that is a perm. thing or something that slips away once he feels the competition is gone. hard to say.

 

Ugh, thinking about the whole competition thing makes me nauscious. That in itself is reason enough to detach from someone.

 

I guess her being shocked at his response was a wake up call to you eh? It really exposes a person's motivation even if they aren't aware of it at the time.

[hockeyfan09]

I hadn't thought about that.... but that I guess it does, doesnt it.

[RickFox]

Dude, because youre deeply in love with her (your mistake) you cant see through her words, but I can. And I say dont believe a word she says. I think you were used. There is some reason that she is still fully attached to her boyfriend that she didnt tell you, but since she is still fully attached to him, that means she was never attached to you, I dont care what she says.

 

She sounds like the married man who promises his mistress that he will leave his wife, but its just to keep the mistress.

 

I think she had a plan. I think what happened is her bf neglected her for a while, so she got affection from you. Once he realized she wasnt bugging him for attention anymore and backed off, thats when he started working to get her again, and then she dumps you.

 

So I think she never had any intention on keeping you around. Even worse, she could have the story flipped in her favor. She could have been the one begging for a second chance with him, if he saw text messages on her phone from you. Which makes your whole situation worse. This is why I dont bother with women with boyfriends, you might not get the full picture if youre in the ether of "love" - or infatuation. I also have my rebound radar on extra sensitive to make sure I see any signs of non-genuine behavior, so I can see shyt like this coming.

 

So cut her off completely and forget about her. Her heart isnt with you, and if I were you, I'd assume it never was.

 

THIS!! Her actions have spoken so much louder than her words. Don't waste your time and pine for a woman who was never yours and more than likely never will be.

[hockeyfan09]

THIS!! Her actions have spoken so much louder than her words. Don't waste your time and pine for a woman who was never yours and more than likely never will be.

 

 

He might have a point. I dont think it was her begging him for a second chance, he bought her a promise ring a month ago.. which I found funny for a 27 year old, but hey it is what it is.

[Barrsitter]

HockeyFan -

 

Words that are not backed up with actions, are meaningless vomit.

 

Get out of her life. Go find someone who knows they want to be with you.

 

Don't be like me and waste over 2 years of your precious life listening to words that were not backed up with actions.

 

She doesn't want to be with you Dude. Face it, be a man, and move on. Take your power back and have some self-respect.

[hockeyfan09]

Seems to be an overwhelming consensus here

[mzdolphin]

Child Pa-leeze.

[y2k]

OK.. so I've signed up for this forum because I need help. I can't ask friends or family because I know the advice will be biased. I also can't ask any of my close coworkers because it involves another.

 

Here is the back story. About a year and half ago I started talking to a woman I work with. I'm the sales guy, and she is the sales admin. It started out innocent enough, we developed a good friendship. She had a boyfriend, and I was out dating... so we had lots of fun stories to share, and advice to give each-other. We talked about our lives, our goals, and just shared everything with each other. It wasn't long before we were flirting.. and teasing each other.. and I think we both started to get a little too close. We even ended up stopping talking for a few months.. but then things heated up again. One night she ended up coming over to my house, and I cooked her dinner. We were suppose to just hang out, but one thing led to another and things happened. This was 6 months ago. It had been a roller coaster since.. with her not sure what she wants, pushing me away only for us to end up talking and hanging out again shortly after. I am just as guilty, as I've never been able to say no to her. I fell in love with her... deeply. Aside from the infidelity thing, she is exactly the person I always saw myself finding. But things have came crashing down to have blown up.

 

About two weeks ago.. I told her that I was done being the second man. she had already met my family at a concert that everyone went too.. We both had admitted there were some serious deep feelings, and she had already said she believed we were going to end up together. She had compared us to "jim and pam" from the office.. and hinted that she thought we were something much much more. So I told her, made a choice.. because I can't go on doing this. Initially she ignored me, a week later, tried to talk to me.. and I reminded her again, I didn't want to continue on talking/hanging out and if she wanted "us" she could contact me then. She in a round about bitched me out, so that night I removed her from my FB and prepared for the worst. Only.. the worst never came... she was upset, and all of a sudden telling me things she never had before. she stood infront of me.. told me she wanted to be with me, that she was scared of love in life, that she knew the feelings for her bf were never going to get any deeper and she though what we could have could be something amazing.. She told her family about me.. and she was leaving the boyfriend. It was surreal... Over the next few days we talked about a future together.. whether we could keep the romance and passion up.. etc. Fast forward a few days, and she tried to break it off with the boyfriend. He cried, promised to try harder, to spend more time with her, to take her on vacations, said that he loved her and wanted to be old people together and he would take care of her. So she decided to give him a second chance and emailed me.. and appologized if I had miss understood her.

 

After the anger subsided i've realized that she needs to do this.. and shes explained that she needs to experience whether he can change. I get that.. I wouldnt want her to look back at her ex and wonder what if. It would mean she and I had no chance. It hurts.. but I understand why she needs to do this. Shes since said she can't ask me to wait, and knows she cant talk about what we are, of if there is maybe a chance for us.. etc.. and she is sad she blew it but knows she can't keep us both. Shes sorry but she has to give him the chance. She said if she ends up on her ass.. she knows i likely wont want to hear from her and she seems to KNOW that her and this man wont work.. but yet she is giving him this chance.

 

I want to believe that she loves me, and needs to do this and we will eventually end up together. But others have told me that I'm wasting my time and need to move on. She swears she has never lied to me about any of the feelings she has for me... and that she thinks about me day and night. If this is true.. she will come back right? I'm not saying I'll just welcome her back... but I've never had a doubt shes the one for me.. I've dated lots, I've had long term relationships, I'm a "nice guy' or so I am told, and finding dates has never been an issue.. but no one has ever captivated me like this before.

 

I don't know if waiting is worth it.. or if I should just change jobs and disappear?

 

Well first you did the right thing when you put your foot down and made her make a choice. In this case, it looks like she didn't choose you. But I have a question:

 

You're a sales guy, and she an admin. What work or economic status does the boyfriend have??? Usually these things with women come down to economics and "security" (notice how I put that in quotation marks). If he makes more, or has better economic security than you do, then that is the probably the reason she stayed to give him another chance.

[hockeyfan09]

Well first you did the right thing when you put your foot down and made her make a choice. In this case, it looks like she didn't choose you. But I have a question:

 

You're a sales guy, and she an admin. What work or economic status does the boyfriend have??? Usually these things with women come down to economics and "security" (notice how I put that in quotation marks). If he makes more, or has better economic security than you do, then that is the probably the reason she stayed to give him another chance.

 

He works shift work at a factory. I think its a pretty stable job, but he does get laid off time to time.

 

Everyone says she played me like a fiddle.. and its a big possibility, but just the things she said to me, it would mean the whole thing was one huge manipulation. Never thought someone could be capable of that with no regard for others. She just doesn't seem the type.. even before things were heated she was a good girl.. and it was obvious. But yes.. my BS alarm has been going off for a long time. Besides the alluding to that we were soulmates, she really never said anything to me that I hadn't already said previously.

 

sigh.. what a mess. But yes.. I feel like such a moron at this point. I guess when you really want something to be "real" you believe what you want to believe, and dismiss the warning signs..

 

I guess all these negative responses (when I was hoping for at least one positive saying she might be truthful and just needs time to get rid of the boyfriend) is an eye opener.

[y2k]

Well first you did the right thing when you put your foot down and made her make a choice. In this case, it looks like she didn't choose you. But I have a question:

 

You're a sales guy, and she an admin. What work or economic status does the boyfriend have??? Usually these things with women come down to economics and "security" (notice how I put that in quotation marks). If he makes more, or has better economic security than you do, then that is the probably the reason she stayed to give him another chance.

 

He works shift work at a factory. I think its a pretty stable job, but he does get laid off time to time.

 

Everyone says she played me like a fiddle.. and its a big possibility, but just the things she said to me, it would mean the whole thing was one huge manipulation. Never thought someone could be capable of that with no regard for others. She just doesn't seem the type.. even before things were heated she was a good girl.. and it was obvious. But yes.. my BS alarm has been going off for a long time. Besides the alluding to that we were soulmates, she really never said anything to me that I hadn't already said previously.

 

sigh.. what a mess. But yes.. I feel like such a moron at this point. I guess when you really want something to be "real" you believe what you want to believe, and dismiss the warning signs..

 

I guess all these negative responses (when I was hoping for at least one positive saying she might be truthful and just needs time to get rid of the boyfriend) is an eye opener.

 

Wow. So you're basically saying that there was no huge gap between the economic situation of you and her boyfriend.

 

Well that proves that she was playing you for extras. If he had been economically WAY BETTER than you by miles, than the possibility that she may have loved you would have existed. But since there seems to be no huge economic gap, then it seems more like she played you. I'm sorry bro. It sucks. Hopefully a woman will come along and rock your world. Until then, take care of yourself bro.

[Barrsitter]

The problem arises when we have "must-haves" on people and then we can't "see" them for what they really are or aren't.

 

Don't feel like a moron HockeyFan. Just learn from it and move on.

[Ruby_shoes]

The problem arises when we have "must-haves" on people and then we can't "see" them for what they really are or aren't.

 

Don't feel like a moron HockeyFan. Just learn from it and move on.

 

You could waste years (like many here have done) waiting for someone who is merely considering their options from their comfortable R. The problem is all you see is them and there's only a small chance they will choose you, it's a tunnel vision and the longer you wait for them the worse it becomes. I wonder if that fight or flight that is constantly pumping when you're in that situation keeps preparing you to fight for the prize of the person who is making you feel good, but it's not a fair fight because that person has all the decision making power and is pitting you, unfairly, against an opponent who doesn't always know their playing, and if they do is fighting too and the prize probably isn't going to live up to the effort. If someone loves you they will come of their own accord, that should be enough. You shouldn't have to prove yourself.

[hockeyfan09]

So she started sending me emails again... something about me giving her a three week timeline was unfair, and her previous "I think we will be dating within three months" was more realistic.. and then something about that I shouldn't date this other coworker (wasn't even interested in her) because I can do so much better..

 

After a few emails I sent the .. sorry we can't talk anymore, you should focus on your boyfriend. Wish you the best, who knows in the future we may reconnect but right now I just want to keep my distance.. Got the standard .. "I'll always care about you, I appreciate the space, hope we can be friends when the emotions die down"

 

Yeah... you guys were all right. No intentions to leave boyfriend. I'm about 99% convinced she wanted a soft landing in case the boyfriend didn't say the right things to her when she confronted him. Think I'll be a little more cautious next time I get involved with someone.

[RickFox]

So she started sending me emails again... something about me giving her a three week timeline was unfair, and her previous "I think we will be dating within three months" was more realistic.. and then something about that I shouldn't date this other coworker (wasn't even interested in her) because I can do so much better..

 

After a few emails I sent the .. sorry we can't talk anymore, you should focus on your boyfriend. Wish you the best, who knows in the future we may reconnect but right now I just want to keep my distance.. Got the standard .. "I'll always care about you, I appreciate the space, hope we can be friends when the emotions die down"

 

Yeah... you guys were all right. No intentions to leave boyfriend. I'm about 99% convinced she wanted a soft landing in case the boyfriend didn't say the right things to her when she confronted him. Think I'll be a little more cautious next time I get involved with someone.

 

Consider yourself lucky your emotions didn't get involved or you'd find yourself here or somewhere else begging the question of why when she turned around and dumped you on your a** or cheated on you down the road.

[hockeyfan09]

Well tonight is the night of the big Christmas party.. Had been going NC with her for about two weeks and ignoring each-other and then we screwed up and started chatting again.

 

She was suggesting she wants us to be friends... but needs time before we can hang out again.. because shes not ready for that and any residual things that might come out. I laughed and said I was fine.. but she said she wasn't.

 

Somehow we ended up alone eating lunch together on Friday anyways.. I had asked my boss if he wanted to grab lunch and she invited herself along. He ended up getting pulled away and she and I were alone eating together. She of course brought up what had happened... said that I had miss understood the bulk of what had happened. YA RIGHT! Apparently she over thinks things and does and says things without thinking.. I guess that makes sense??!!? My translation is.. at that moment in time she wanted what she wanted, and said it.. when a few days later she realized she didnt want what she thought she wanted bahaha.

 

anyways so apparently all she actually told the boyfriend (I asked if I was going to have to deal with any BS at the party) was that a guy at her work liked her.. and they had lots in common.. to which boyfriend said men will lie and pretend just to get a girl. He asked if anything happened.. if I tried to kiss her, she said no.. He has been told not to embarass her at the xmas party, but this is a small company and we will all be sitting together at the same table. Joy!

 

I'm kind of skeptical this guy wont say anything to me. IF my gf tried to break up with me.. told me what she had said she told him, I'd be a little skeptical myself and curious what the truth was. I have no idea what I'm going to say to the guy if he says something to me.. do other OM/OW flat out lie to the other persons partner when confronted? not looking forward to this.

[Tangerine Lipgloss]

She's a drama queen. She just loves all this drama and emails and two men that love her and Pam and Jim and emails etc. and on and on and on.

 

Please.

[floweredshoes]

Yknow, I've never actually seen anyone on this thread encouraging people to continue relationships with a partner committed to someone else. I guess it's because everyone here has had our fair share of troubled relationships with people married to other people, and had our hearts--fairly, or unfairly--broken, and we've had enough of it.

 

So there are people here in varying stages of healing and moving on, and I guess (to quote someone's response up there) there's an "overwhelming consensus" that we're all better off with partners who are commited to us alone.

 

To summarise-- the earlier you give up, the earlier you can move on.