Dreaming about my ex makes me love and miss him even more

[SugarHoney]

Its nearly 10 months since me and my ex split now and I think about him all the time still and miss him everyday, even though logically I know that he was probably bad for me in a number of ways and definitely would be bad for me the way he's behaving now.

 

But despite all his flaws I still love him deeply and miss him terribly and my dreams don't help. And its not what you would think, because honestly in the dreams he isn't on his best behavour or being romantic or anything like that either. He's just being himself. If anything he is more of a jerk in my dreams, but they still make me miss him and love him even more, and I don't know why really. In a recent dream I ran to my ex for help, asking him to save me from people who were bullying me and shouting at me. He didn't really care that much, but he took me in and excitedly showed me all the things he's been doing and how his personality had shifted again. And I felt so much safer with him, so much happier, like everything was right with the world again (if only just for a few moments). Then, at the end of the dream, he came to see me and I was really hoping he had left me a message telling me that he still loved me and wanted me back. But of course, he hadn't left anything for me.

 

And I remember in the dream (and now really if I'm honest) I felt so sad and hopeless. I collapsed in despair realizing that no matter how hard I try, there is just this emptiness inside me that nothing else can fill, only my ex. And the horror of realizing I would likely (will likely) now have to live my life without him was almost too much to bare.

 

In another dream my ex told me to wait for him. Said he maybe wanted me back, but wasn't sure yet and he has told me similar things in real life before, which panders to my need to wait for him indefinitely of course and live life as an empty shell until he returns (its ok, I do realize how terribly pathetic all this sounds, but I think thats probably who I am, that kind of pathetic person who wastes her life dreaming. I've tried so hard to be a better person, to move on and to distract myself in so many ways, but I still always feel empty inside, like something is missing, like something is horribly wrong with the world without my ex by my side).

 

Every day I struggle on and I am happy most of the time in my own way, but only because I keep telling myself "Its ok my ex will want me back eventually". And because of this very unhelpful coping mechanism I've developed, its as if everyday I'm just waiting for him to come back to me and trying to bury my thoughts, my feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. And no matter how hard I try to fill my time with charity work, normal work, talking to other guys, partying with friends, dating even, it just isn't filling this hole my ex left in my heart and in my life.

Edited November 13, 2011 by SugarHoney

[Steadfast]

This is interesting to me, because it reinforced my belief that perfection (or even really, really nice) isn't a requirement for love. In fact, women often seem to be attracted to 'project' men...people they can help, or complete.

 

Your not pathetic, you're honest, and honesty is your ticket to true happiness. Pathetic is neediness or entitlement hiding behind the illusion of independence.

 

You'll have better luck in future relationships when your romantic interests supplement your life; not dominate it. It isn't wise or healthy to lose who you are in any relationship, not even to the kind of partner who loves and adores you...someone who never would hurt you and always be there.

 

My 83 year old mother lives with me now, having lost her husband (my dad) of 66 years in 2009. Life for her now is a daily exercise of dealing with loneliness and memories of what life was. Thankfully, she has just enough interests and activities to carry on in reasonable health and happiness. If you stop and think about it, her true love wouldn't have it any other way. He'd want her to be OK. Gives a different perspective, doesn't it?

 

Real love shouldn't, and doesn't dominate life. It sweetens it. Find yourself and when love comes it'll fit into who you are. Not the other way around-

Edited November 13, 2011 by Steadfast

[Thieves]

Sugarkane, it's sort of similar to what I told Neghitzbrah the other day, that no matter what way the ex treated you, they are a source of comfort. Whenever we are not satisfied with ourselves in the present, we sometimes go back to the last familiar thing or the last time that we were somewhat happy. Whether that be to a person, or a place, etc. It's why even though I lived a childhood with my dysfunctional father not being there most of the time, I still feel very nostalgic about it and wish I could go back, because it was still a time where I felt so carefree. It's also why they call some food "comfort food", even if might not be so good for you.

 

It's a way of your brain recognizing something that brought you happiness, which is a way of anchoring yourself to past happiness and bringing yourself solace, until you achieve 'real' happiness again. The catch is that it's also a great way of avoiding true change.

 

It's the fact that you knew this person and you loved this person for who they were, good and bad. But there's no need to be so hard on yourself, Sugarkane. You are not the first person in the world to feel "pathetic" (though I don't think you are) about letting an ex who is not good for you take over your mind, and you certainly won't be the last one in the world either. It's all part of the process.

[SugarHoney]

I'm just dying inside, just so empty. And you are right Steadfast about patheticness equating to neediness and entitlement, only I am needy and my ex is entitled, so I guess we're both pathetic. And seems like there is no hope for me, even though my ex seems happy enough without me. I just feel so empty without him.

[SugarHoney]

Sugarkane, it's sort of similar to what I told Neghitzbrah the other day, that no matter what way the ex treated you, they are a source of comfort. Whenever we are not satisfied with ourselves in the present, we sometimes go back to the last familiar thing or the last time that we were somewhat happy. Whether that be to a person, or a place, etc. It's why even though I lived a childhood with my dysfunctional father not being there most of the time, I still feel very nostalgic about it and wish I could go back, because it was still a time where I felt so carefree. It's also why they call some food "comfort food", even if might not be so good for you.

 

It's a way of your brain recognizing something that brought you happiness, which is a way of anchoring yourself to past happiness and bringing yourself solace, until you achieve 'real' happiness again. The catch is that it's also a great way of avoiding true change.

 

It's the fact that you knew this person and you loved this person for who they were, good and bad. But there's no need to be so hard on yourself, Sugarkane. You are not the first person in the world to feel "pathetic" (though I don't think you are) about letting an ex who is not good for you take over your mind, and you certainly won't be the last one in the world either. It's all part of the process.

 

I guess you're right in away Theives. Only my life is happy in every way and there is no reason for me to feel this pain really. I do because I love my ex so much it hurts. Even after all this time. Even after 10 months apart. I love him so much and I miss him all the time and just knowing that he is out there, happier without me, hurts. So I keep telling myself, he will want me back. He just needs more time away from me. Because I can't cope with knowing that I'm not good enough for him, even though, really I know I failed him, I wasn't the girl friend he needed me to be and he doesn't want me anymore, because he thinks he can do better.

[Thieves]

Ah, f*ck, SugarHoney. I just realized that I called you Sugarkane in my posts and I'm sorry for that. There's a girl here with a similar name, obviously, and I misread. Sorry about that.

[SugarHoney]

Ah, f*ck, SugarHoney. I just realized that I called you Sugarkane in my posts and I'm sorry for that. There's a girl here with a similar name, obviously, and I misread. Sorry about that.

 

No worries, Thieves. Easy mistake to make.

 

I honestly do appreciate the support. I just feel so lost and alone right now. Been crying so much, have been battling with depression for a long time now. I'm on meds and they help. But missing my ex just hurts so much you know.

[Thieves]

I guess you're right in away Theives. Only my life is happy in every way and there is no reason for me to feel this pain really. I do because I love my ex so much it hurts. Even after all this time. Even after 10 months apart. I love him so much and I miss him all the time and just knowing that he is out there, happier without me, hurts. So I keep telling myself, he will want me back. He just needs more time away from me. Because I can't cope with knowing that I'm not good enough for him, even though, really I know I failed him, I wasn't the girl friend he needed me to be and he doesn't want me anymore, because he thinks he can do better.

 

But it doesn't seem to matter if you're happy in every other way, because as long as you're still unsatisfied about what you feel is most important (which is finding a good relationship and your ex), then of course you're still going to feel generally unhappy. It's finding a way to turn around that kind of thinking and making it so that relationships are a sweet part of your life, but they don't lessen everything else that makes you happy too...

 

I don't think it's really the fact that you're not good enough either. Think of it like a puzzle. You're a piece of the puzzle, and there are dozens of other puzzle pieces out there that could possibly connect with you. Some pieces seem like they would go together, but in the end after trying, they don't. It's frustrating, but you try again. And it doesn't make those other 'puzzle pieces' that didn't fit "bad", or not "good enough". They just don't fit together. Yes, it hurts, but sadly it's the journey when it comes to dating. You're human, you made some mistakes. I'm sure nobody is the 'perfect' girlfriend all of the time, just as I'm sure he wasn't perfect 100% of the time. But if every partner we had worked out every single time, I don't think we would truly appreciate the right person that we do end up being with.

[neghitzbrah]

Hi SugarHoney. Do you want to know something that helped me a lot?

 

I have been with my ex for about 5 years. We were engaged. I stopped talking to my friends when I was with her. Maybe once every few months. I hardly spoke to my family. She became my best friend...my only friend. I didn't really do much on myself when I was in the relationship. You see... I am a person that likes to explore different things and push myself. I have a passion for traveling, and meeting new people every day. I'm generally a nice person too. No, I don't go to odds end to help people, but I am quite charitable.

 

These things, I didn't do, or indulge on, while I was in a relationship. Before the relationship, I did. I did every one of those things. So now, I look back and I smile. I look far back.... before I was with her. That was when I had my self-dignity, my confidence, and my motivation and purpose in life. Back when I was happy being single.

 

So look back. What was life like before you met him? You were happy, im sure. He didn't bring you happiness, he just added a sweet symphony to your life. Problem is, you might have turned it into too much and made him your life. It's normal... we all make that mistake. Hell, I did. How we cope with it?

 

I lost my best friend... my only friend. I lost the one person I spent almost every moment with for 5 years. That's a fifth of my life!! So many memories I have recently are all her. It's natural to hold onto it for so long. It's been 10 months for me too. It hurts. It really does. But what do I do now differently? I indulge on my self-being before I met her.

 

You are already doing it. And you will have down days. You will dream about your ex. You will miss him deeply. But you will also have good days. And use them to move you forward. Call your family more. Hang out with your friends more. Follow your passions. And give a helping hand.

 

Do what made you, you, before you met him. Because after all, you were happy before you met him too.

[SugarHoney]

I guess I was happy before I met my ex in my own way, but I was also very lonely I think. And it doesn't help that my imagination is so powerful, because in a way I was honestly dreaming about someone like my ex, hoping I would meet someone like my ex before I even met him. I just never thought someone like him would look twice at someone like me and I knew I wasn't good enough for him really.

 

I guess its also a case of you can't miss something you didn't have, but when you have something for awhile and then you lose it, it hurts so much its hard to describe. So yes I do wish I could forget that I ever met my ex, I honestly do, but as I can't I know I have to live with this pain and try and slowly move on. I'm just not moving on at all, because I'm always hoping he'll want me back and calming myself down by telling myself "its ok, he'll want me back in the end".

 

Its just dragging out the agony really, prolonging the pain. But I don't want to let go I guess, I want him to come back so I won't be alone anymore. Because I am that insecure person. I do fell terribly alone without him.

 

Also my memories of my ex are so vivid still. I know its been 10 months since we split, but it doesn't feel like that long often, sometimes I even feel so desperate to see him because I haven't seen him in so long and it hurts so much. And knowing I wasn't good enough for him. Yes maybe he didn't fit with me in the end, but I feel like it was my fault. I know maybe I shouldn't do. But I do.

Edited November 14, 2011 by SugarHoney

[neghitzbrah]

Maybe it'll be beneficial to take the next few days to look back and think of why it really ended. Not having closure can be very bad because you will never close those doors behind you. They will always be open because you won't have any reason to shut them.

 

I was having a hard time letting go for a while. I used to think that there were so many things I could do to get her back. But finally I realized that I couldn't. Not because she wouldn't want me back, but because I don't want her back. I used to think that I ****ed up. That I was supposed to do something.

 

There was never a problem with me. It was a problem with us. I didn't like what we had or where it was headed and I didn't want any counseling. None of that. I left. She begged, but I left. It's jealousy of me seeing her with another man that turned it all around. I had to fight it for months. It's sort of different with a guy, because guys have boundary issues which is where jealousy stems from.

 

But look back and realize why it ended. You might even figure out that it was ultimately up to you to end it. Stick to it. There's a reason behind all of your actions where you are aware of it or not. You do things, or have done things, that you don't even know why. But your subconscious knew. Things are over for a reason. Think about what that reason is.

[Thieves]

I guess I was happy before I met my ex in my own way, but I was also very lonely I think.

 

So, really, this problem stems back to before you were even with your ex. I know it sounds ironic, but if a perosn feels lonely in the beginning before getting into a relationship, it's likely that they'll still feel lonely during that relationship and after it ends too, because that fear of being left and being alone again is still there. So it's not something that you can simply slap a band-aid (in human form) on and expect your problems to be solved. I'm not saying this to be pessimistic or be hard on you, but to be honest and try to get you to understand. It takes two to run a relationship, so I don't believe in everything always being only one person's fault.

 

But you have to be secure in yourself first, SugarHoney, no man is ever going to constantly do that for you... otherwise you'd always run the risk of being let down. So the best solution is to slowly build yourself back up to where you are content and can see your own worth. No, it's not always easy, but most things aren't when it comes to self-esteem. And most things truly worth having take some work and time.

 

You say it's your fault and that you're not good enough for your ex. Are you literally able to make a list of things you think you did wrong, things that make you think you're not good enough? If so, what is that list and do you mind sharing it so that we can get an understanding of why you blame yourself so heavily?

Edited November 15, 2011 by Thieves