Can Grief Kill Love?

[Elizabeth James]

Hello,

 

About two and a half a years ago I separated from and then divorced my husband. I felt like I lost everything that grounded me in life. A year and a half ago, by chance I met an amazing man. At almost 40 years old he had never married, and according to family and friends, had never been serious about a woman. As a doctor he spent most of his time in his profession, developing his hobbies, travel, etc. He and I fell hard for each other. After an incredibly sweet courtship he proposed marriage. He was head over heels.

 

I, however, was still healing from my divorce and was terrified. Although I wanted him strongly, I sabotaged the relationship. I was still trying to conquer my fear and go forward when his mother, with whom he's extremely close (he's Latin) developed cancer, his father started having serial heart attacks, and a number of other things happened in his personal life. It was too much for him to handle all at once, he said, and he broke off the relationship. He subsequently went into clinical depression but worked very hard and got out of it in a few months.

 

He told me that although he doesn't love me anymore, he desperately wants to "stay friends" and stay connected. I am still in love with him. Our lives are still closely intertwined and neither one of us seems to let go. We have developed a pattern in which we draw close and spend amazing time together (no physical intimacy but deep emotional intimacy), but then he seems to panic and withdraw. But then he always comes back. Over a long period of time our relationship has progressed closer at a snail's pace, but his mother is still in a long, agonizing process of dying. It is incredibly harrowing for him to cope with the grief, and he is actively reviewing everything in his belief system and his life. He spends most of his free time with her. I must mention that he has gone out a few times with a woman he works with, but family members assure me that it's incredibly casual and means nothing, that he doesn't have the emotional energy to invest in rekindling our relationship right now because of his mother. They counsel time and patience with him.

 

I haven't dated, but have tried to focus solely on healing myself. The death of my marriage was like the death of a person, and it's also a form of grief that I'm dealing with. Everything that he's going through now, it seems, I've been going through, too.

 

Is there any chance of this love ever truly rekindling? Is it reasonable to think that his grief has caused, or at least contributed, to his emotional distancing from me? It has been extremely painful and difficult to understand why something that seemed so special and so good fell apart, yet we seem to still have such strong bonds to each other. Or... am I fooling myself and this is that age-old, simple, "he's just not that into you"? Or is time and patience the way to go?

 

Thank you,

 

Elizabeth

[Leegh]

I think before he met you and before his parents became ill, being almost 40 and never married he probably has a fear of commitment, even though he may not realize it. In addition, most likely he still has some depression, under the circumstances of his mother dying. It could be emotional "numbness" where the body tries to protect itself from grief and one feels emotionally "numb". Both of you sound like great people, and it is admirable that he cares so much about his parents, as I have known people who don't really care that much about their parents. It is the never-married part that concerns me in relation to you. Several years ago, a never-married 42 year old man proposed to me after about a month of dating, then almost immediately he met someone new, so maybe I am more suspicious than most people about your guy never being married at age 40.