Cheater looking for a solution

[HappyAtLast]

For some reason, she did not believe that I would be leaving the marriage. Really not sure why, I am a man of my word, but in my mind, at the time, perhaps I felt that there was something I did that made her not believe me.

 

You have to remember though, this was also many years ago, when alimony was more commonplace.

[nofool4u]

For some reason, she did not believe that I would be leaving the marriage. Really not sure why, I am a man of my word, but in my mind, at the time, perhaps I felt that there was something I did that made her not believe me.

 

You have to remember though, this was also many years ago, when alimony was more commonplace.

 

Leaving her and not having to pay her alimony is fair. She cheated on you. She should have thought about all of that before she banged another man.

[HappyAtLast]

True, but I did allow myself to engage in an affair and fall in love with another during our last year of marriage.

 

I certainly had a "softer landing" than she in many ways.

[HappyAtLast]

There was nearly a 15 year lag between her affair and my leaving (well, as far as I know. One cannot be too sure I suppose).

[Steadfast]

New hope Confused! A successful cheater with a happy ending.

 

This story is also full of holes as I'd wager not everyone is 'HappyAtLast'.

 

Left out is how the children deal in the wake of these events. Anyone care to ponder how they feel about being deceived, not to mention the guilt for being 'the reason' dad was miserable for so long? Speaking personally, I never appreciated my father more than when I was a young married with kids. For children, the pain of divorce does not end at adulthood, just like parenting does not end when the kids grow up. In many ways, it begins.

 

Spoken from experience.

 

In my opinion, you would have set a far better example by divorcing your wife when she cheated and enjoyed a longer, fuller life than living under the cloud of a delayed death sentence. Any wonder your ex was surprised?

 

Nonetheless, an interesting experience to read about. The lasting grip of infidelity.

[nofool4u]

True, but I did allow myself to engage in an affair and fall in love with another during our last year of marriage.

 

I certainly had a "softer landing" than she in many ways.

 

Ok, so then you are both no better than the other in that area.

 

But she cheats, you cheat, and you feel you should pay her alimony?

 

Boy, she owns you. No offense, but you need to man up.

[HappyAtLast]

Thanks folks for the advice.

 

However, I have the unique situation of being able to look at my life in the rearview mirror, as I am most likely considerably older than the folks on here.

 

That said, there CAN be happy endings in life. My boys are well-adjusted men in long term marriages of their own. I have been happily married to my affair partner for almost forty years now, she has a great relationship with my children and one of them has followed into her footsteps of being a pediatric surgeon.

 

We don't often speak of my marriage to the boys mother, but they do understand, as adults, that marriages have challenges. I never disclosed their mother's cheating, but they have seen for a long time her other issues and they are grateful that I made as many sacrifices as I did when they were younger.

 

So, really, no one owns anyone. Everyone has long moved on. Steadfast, I do appreciate your experience, but I as I've said, unlike most on here, I am able to look at my life in reverse. You are certainly entitled to your opinion about what you may believe I should have done, but the wonderful men that my sons have grown up to be, now with children and grandchildren of their own, my own very successful and happy forty year marriage tell me differently.

 

I am very blessed, as is my family.

Edited December 8, 2011 by HappyAtLast
typographical error

[nofool4u]

So, really, no one owns anyone.

 

It was a figure of speech in that she can betray you like this and still have you feeling sorry for her and throwing money at her.

[Mr_Confused]

Steadfast - thx for the well wishes. I am thrilled for h@l but his story is not so rare. Unbenounced to me at the time both of my parents had affairs at different times. My mother's led to their eventual divorce and her now husband of nearly 30 years. My father has been remarried for just over 25. I cannot imagine them together ever.....but it is great to see them in their golden years with people they love and that love them.

 

In my case its not particularly relevant. My marriage is done either way. If by good fortune things between my ow and i work out it wld be great. If not i will find love eventually. I dont know what will happen other than i will create an environment where i can have a shot at happiness.

[HappyAtLast]

Yes, Nofool, I do understand what you meant by the term.

 

You need to understand that this all happened in the sixties, it was a different world back then. Divorce, child custody and alimony were far less evolved than they are now.

 

To be clear, I was not feeling sorry for her, nor did I ever forgive her for her affair. She was, however the mother of my children and because of that, whether or not she miscalculated my actual intentions, whether or not she chose to engage in an affair with another, I was not about to let her starve or live on the streets. I would not have exacted any pleasure from such actions, despite how much she may have hurt me.

[HappyAtLast]

Mr. Confused, you are very correct. I am sure that our neighbors would be quite shocked at my wife and my "sordid past". To them, we are just a kindly old couple down the street with the nice family. You really just never know how a relationship began.

 

Like you, I do not advocate affairs, I have advised many a person to not engage in such behavior. In addition, I believe that my allowing myself to engage in an affair was also wrong and inexcusable.

 

Yet still, whether folks wish to believe it or not, there are happy endings in life (even for we cheaters). I have made peace with myself and my God and feel truly fortunate that my life took the turns that it did.

Edited December 8, 2011 by HappyAtLast
typographical error again

[nofool4u]

Yes, Nofool, I do understand what you meant by the term.

 

You need to understand that this all happened in the sixties, it was a different world back then. Divorce, child custody and alimony were far less evolved than they are now.

 

So you forgave her, she never cheated again all these years, and you decide to cheat now? Ok, I can see how after making her think after all these years that you were still vested in the marriage only to pull the rug that you felt the need to compensate her.

[HappyAtLast]

No, I did not forgive her. I have no idea if she ever cheated again, I did not care, provided that she kept it from our boys. When you say I decided to cheat "now"? Now was 40 year ago (just to give you some perspective).

 

And, as I posted previously, in this very thread, I was very clear and specific with her that I would be leaving as soon as my boys were away at college. I provided her with an unlimited budget to get whatever schooling or training that she desired so that she would be more than able to support herself.

 

My need was not to compensate her, but to make sure that she was not living on the streets, as she was the mother of my children.

 

The proverbial rug was most certainly not pulled out from under her.

 

It seems my story troubles you? I do not advocate cheating, I make no excuses for my behavior and take full responsibility for it. In my defense, in giving myself permission to fall in love with my current wife I was more than prepared to accept whatever consequences came with that.

[Mr_Confused]

Happy@Last - don't worry. You were a good man to look beyond the infidelity and focus on your children. You wife was able to have and affair and countless years of financial stability afterwards. You found love. Marriage is not a life sentence, you fulfilled your parental obligations despite her infidelity and that says a lot about your commitment as a father.

 

I get the point emphasized here, cheating is wrong, there is no question about it.

 

I also am aware I cannot understand how infidelity has impacted many people having not experienced it. You have a perspective in that respect - so I thank you for sharing.

 

I don't think many people here can say they have been 5 years without having sex with their spouse. I have. I think we are far too quick to cast judgment around here when we haven't lived each others lives.

 

There is more to these stories than who went wayward and who was betrayed.

 

Seek to understand, then judge.

 

Sh*t I have a wife that wont sleep with me, hasn't for years, and the majority of the years before that were ~10 times a year. Who the hell wants to live that way? I sure as h#ll didn't sign up for it. I guess if I dump and run from her and my child so my wife is at fault, but because I have an affair I am....I trumped her I guess. Who cares who is to blame, we have a failed marriage either way. Granted I am on a BS's forum but it strikes me as odd my wife can understand but not a stranger on a forum.

 

Bottom line - you can get nuggets of wisdom from these forums but little else. People write a brief post about a situation or marriage and everyone is quick to tell them what to do. We are all colored by our experiences. I can't think or anything worse than being betrayed by someone you love when you otherwise feel you have a solid marriage. I can tell you I have ZERO qualms with my actions. Both can co-exist. I'm not in a fog, I have been "busted" and it didn't change my view one bit. I cared & worried more about d-day than my wife did upon discovery or since. Perhaps it's the same sort of thing - I told her I refused to live a sexless loveless life - why would she be surprised when I didn't.

 

 

 

Betrayal can happen legally but not emotionally I guess. I view my marriage as a legal one, but emotionally and intimately it ended for us long ago.

[Steadfast]

Steadfast, I do appreciate your experience, but I as I've said, unlike most on here, I am able to look at my life in reverse. You are certainly entitled to your opinion about what you may believe I should have done, but the wonderful men that my sons have grown up to be, now with children and grandchildren of their own, my own very successful and happy forty year marriage tell me differently.

 

It tells me nothing, except the necessity of survival and strength of love.

 

A post or two after writing this you explain your position on infidelity and even go as far as to advise others against it. Your logic is confusing.

 

Just because you made poor choices many years ago doesn't make them any less poor. Then again, what is the statute of limitations for cheaters?

 

The truth is, you have no idea how your actions affected others then, or how your words might influence people now. That's dangerous ground.

 

I'm sincerely glad it all worked out, and hope you're not leaving anything of importance out. As I read it, you've green-lighted a whole bunch of unsavory behavior and have given it your time-tested endorsement.

[Space Ritual]

Well after reading most of this thread(I could not make it through in toto so I apologize if I am rehashing something that I missed. No 2x4s from me as you have had enough already but I must ask the OP if he realized he was having an exit affair or not? If you did not realize it that may have been the initial reason you were a bit surprised by your wife's reaction.

 

just throwing this out there...

have you considered the reaction your wife had was not so much because she may have been having an affair, but in her unequal unhappiness she already had discovered your affair long ago and as opposed to any subsequent convos you two may have had, was just simply thinking about what a schlepp you were and was counting the days down...like in the end you were made to order? As in once you trotted the sexless marriage being the dealbreaker she went on her own doomsday clock. Or maybe she really just did not give a **** once you communicated this to her...

It may not have been that way in the beginning but 5 years of open resentment does tend to change opinions about people we share our lives with. Have you even gotten to a place you can even contemplate it? I mean her reaction is of one who knew the marriage ship sailed long ago and she was just waiting for your affair to come out? So when the sex issue became such an issue for your marriage she already knew and that you would have to make an attempt to "reclaim" your integrity.

 

I say that because it almost seems like she knew you would inevitably have an exit affair once the sexless side of the marriage began and was just waiting you out...stranger things have happened.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Space Ritual

[Mr_Confused]

Well after reading most of this thread(I could not make it through in toto so I apologize if I am rehashing something that I missed. No 2x4s from me as you have had enough already but I must ask the OP if he realized he was having an exit affair or not? If you did not realize it that may have been the initial reason you were a bit surprised by your wife's reaction.

 

just throwing this out there...

have you considered the reaction your wife had was not so much because she may have been having an affair, but in her unequal unhappiness she already had discovered your affair long ago and as opposed to any subsequent convos you two may have had, was just simply thinking about what a schlepp you were and was counting the days down...like in the end you were made to order? As in once you trotted the sexless marriage being the dealbreaker she went on her own doomsday clock. Or maybe she really just did not give a **** once you communicated this to her...

It may not have been that way in the beginning but 5 years of open resentment does tend to change opinions about people we share our lives with. Have you even gotten to a place you can even contemplate it? I mean her reaction is of one who knew the marriage ship sailed long ago and she was just waiting for your affair to come out? So when the sex issue became such an issue for your marriage she already knew and that you would have to make an attempt to "reclaim" your integrity.

 

I say that because it almost seems like she knew you would inevitably have an exit affair once the sexless side of the marriage began and was just waiting you out...stranger things have happened.

]

 

Could be... Honestly I have thought of this and just about every other scenario imaginable. There are countless possibilities. I've decided to accept I may never know. I only know what she has told me:

1. She believes she loves me - I don't doubt it. I love her. I would never wish anything but success and happiness to her. We don't love each other romantically however. I think she wld be okay with this forever, I am not. This has been the status quo for a decade or longer.

2. She doesn't want a divorce - I believe this as well. Obviously my affair wld have enabled her to file and me to be the "bad guy" - she didn't do that. I just think the reasons she wants to stay married are suspect - convenience, she doesn't desire sex & I dont initiate it so thats good, I make a really nice salary and provide a comfortable stress free life, I am a good father, do chores, clean, cook, etc..

 

I gave up figuring out "why" - I just have to look at it for what it is, recognize my efforts to fix it failed, and my affair only widened the divide.

[HappyAtLast]

It tells me nothing, except the necessity of survival and strength of love.

 

A post or two after writing this you explain your position on infidelity and even go as far as to advise others against it. Your logic is confusing.

 

Just because you made poor choices many years ago doesn't make them any less poor. Then again, what is the statute of limitations for cheaters?

 

The truth is, you have no idea how your actions affected others then, or how your words might influence people now. That's dangerous ground.

 

I'm sincerely glad it all worked out, and hope you're not leaving anything of importance out. As I read it, you've green-lighted a whole bunch of unsavory behavior and have given it your time-tested endorsement.

 

Steadfast, I have never, not one time endorsed cheating on this board, in real life or anywhere in between. I believe that cheating is wrong, mine and everyone else's. There is no excuse for it. How can you possibly misinterpret that to me giving a green light to affairs?

 

As you get older though, you will learn that every marriage was not meant to be and that sometimes, it IS the right decision to end it. Just because I had a happy ending (and I am truly thankful to God that I did) does NOT mean that I condone affairs. Would you prefer that I say that I completely regret leaving my first wife? That would be dishonest. All I am doing here is sharing a story. I think that my not story fitting into a nice little box is upsetting to you?

 

I think that I do realize how my actions affected other then, I am not the sort of person who does things without realizing the consequences. I sacrificed my own personal happiness to make sure that my children had a happy and secure home. I protected them from their mother's infidelity, and later drinking problem. I made sure every holiday, every birthday was a happy event for them. I will not apologize for that, nor would I do things differently if I had the chance all over again. I can only hope that, when you are my age, you feel the same way about your life. It is a very peaceful feeling.

 

I am not really understanding how you can feel that you know my boys better than I?? They are now grown men. They appreciate having been given the chance to grow up in an intact home. As for my lovely ex, she has now been through several husbands after me. Sadly, she never seemed to get over the "grass is greener mentality".

 

Not quite understanding how it is you can tell me what I should have done when I am am able to look back and think I did all the right things. What is more important in life than raising happy, productive and healthy children in life? The ability to look back on my children, their children, their children's children and see the good that I did is priceless.

 

I wish that for you one day.

[HappyAtLast]

"I'm sincerely glad it all worked out, and hope you're not leaving anything of importance out."

 

Well, I did leave out all of the stuff where I was devastated that my wife of fewer than three years had an affair. That we picked up and moved to another state for a fresh start and she did it again. Should I be feeling sorry for myself for all of that? Or was it right to just pick myself up, dust myself off and focus on giving my boys the best home life possibly, since I did make the decision to bring them into this world.

 

What types of stuff of importance would you like to hear about? Happy to comply.

[nofool4u]

I have no idea if she ever cheated again, I did not care, provided that she kept it from our boys. When you say I decided to cheat "now"? Now was 40 year ago (just to give you some perspective).

 

This is confusing. She cheated about 15 years ago, but you "now" cheated 40 years ago? what?

 

 

 

And, as I posted previously, in this very thread, I was very clear and specific with her that I would be leaving as soon as my boys were away at college.

 

Well I suppose if you told her and she was ok with that. Hey, the longer you stay married the more she gets from you in the way of retirement.

 

 

I provided her with an unlimited budget to get whatever schooling or training that she desired so that she would be more than able to support herself.

 

You don't forgive her, but want her to be able to support herself. She destroyed the marriage by cheating, why do you care? If she knew all these years that you would leave once your kids are in college, then didn't she have ample time to get schooling while still married to you?

 

Look you do what you feel you need to do. But any cheating woman would love to get their hooks into you if they knew this is how you coddled your cheating wife.

 

 

It seems my story troubles you? I do not advocate cheating, I make no excuses for my behavior and take full responsibility for it. In my defense, in giving myself permission to fall in love with my current wife I was more than prepared to accept whatever consequences came with that.

 

Well I have to ask the women here on LS, if you found yourself a new man, and he is in the process of divorcing her, especially because she cheated on your soon to be husband, how many women would be ok with their current husband throwing money at an X? Especially if it is done willingly, not through the courts, and to a woman that treated him like dog crap?

 

If I was getting married to a woman who made the money in her previous marriage, and she wanted to take care of her cheating X-husband, I'd tell her to go fly a kite.

Edited December 9, 2011 by nofool4u

[HappyAtLast]

Nofool - you do project quite a bit.

 

My previous wife and I divorced in the SIXTIES. She cheated early on in our 18 year marriage. I stayed with her because that is what folks did back then. You seem to be selectively reading my posts, and then picking them apart. My story has not changed on this board in years.

 

It was the sixties.. a different world. Maybe you are not old enough to remember, but that's just the way it was back then.

 

You are trying to apply current logic to a forty year old situation. It just won't work.

[nofool4u]

Nofool - you do project quite a bit.

 

My previous wife and I divorced in the SIXTIES. She cheated early on in our 18 year marriage. I stayed with her because that is what folks did back then. You seem to be selectively reading my posts, and then picking them apart. My story has not changed on this board in years.

 

It was the sixties.. a different world. Maybe you are not old enough to remember, but that's just the way it was back then.

 

You are trying to apply current logic to a forty year old situation. It just won't work.

 

I guess what is confusing for me is if this wasn't fairly current, and you divorced a cheating wife in the 60's, what are you doing here?

 

I haven't read your other posts in other threads, so forgive me as I don't know your complete story, but the timeline the way you presented it in this one is confusing to me.

 

So now I understand the timeline better. Still don't see a difference between taking care of a cheater in the 60's as opposed to today.

 

And I am going to guess, unless your current wife is just completely looks the other way, that you did not marry your current wife at the same time you were giving your X this money. And maybe that is where the logic of the sixties is different from today, because I don't know a woman alive today that would be good with their fiance giving a cheating x-wife money and has the mindset that he needs to take care of her, especially once the money is maritally shared.

[frozensprouts]

happyatlast,

i'm sorry, but i'm kind of confused. you say you have been married for 40 years (| or did i misread that) so you got married in the early 1970's, when your kids were starting college age. does this mean your first marriage began in the 1950's?

do i have that right, or am i totally mixed up....

[nofool4u]

happyatlast,

i'm sorry, but i'm kind of confused. you say you have been married for 40 years (| or did i misread that) so you got married in the early 1970's, when your kids were starting college age. does this mean your first marriage began in the 1950's?

do i have that right, or am i totally mixed up....

 

whew! And I thought I was the only one confused.

[Steadfast]

First of all, I apologize Confused for my part in the threadjack.

 

I take none of this personally Happy. I am not upset nor do I claim to know anyone better than you do. I am not exactly a young man and I have experience (divorced twice, four kids). I understand every situation is different, but human nature isn't. I do however, admit to being more than a little confused by your approach. You cheated (and yes, I do understand the circumstances) yet you advise against it. Why? It worked out for you didn't it? As did your martial death sentence and finally, bringing a third person into your marriage? This, I am lead to assume was excused (by yourself) due to your great sacrifice and suffering. But that sacrifice was of your own choosing, was it not? As was not forgiving her?

 

Not that I blame you. I would have kicked her out on her arse.

 

Managed properly, you can move on and your children can be fine.

 

If this is true, if you really believe it, wouldn't it also be true that children could be equally fine if one divorces immediately after infidelity is discovered? Or in your case, would that have robbed you of the martyr status you needed to justify it?

 

Sorry, but I don't buy into your approach or your rationalizations. In my opinion you didn't protect anyone from anything, except the truth.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Steadfast