Cheater looking for a solution

[woinlove]

Steadfast - no need to get snippy....

 

I said - and will say it again - infidelity - or not - by default (by itself) does make you a bad or good parent. My point was not to lump a cheater, or faithful spouse, into one category or the other... I thought that was pretty straight forward.

 

I will also say that introducing a new partner to the child of recently divorce parents is a bad idea....regardless of whether you were invovled with that person before or after the divorce finalized.

 

You don't need to twist my words to make your point, you can have your opinion and I have mine.

 

Did you say your daughter is 14? If so, you will have to be incredibly sneaky to keep the information of a new partner from her. Teens are very perceptive to this, just a change in voice when you answer the phone. You will have to be a major actor to pull this one off. Or do you only care that she is not formally introduced by you, but she put together whatever information she can on her own?

[Mr_Confused]

What I am saying is that my daughter will not meet another woman until it is appropriate and that may be quite some time.

 

My parents divorced when I was a teen. They independently dealt with this subject quite differently. My mother quickly fell in love and a new man moved into our home. We did not discuss it. It was not a great situation but we adapted. MY father introduced a couple of women, first as friends, then we might have dinner together, then we may spend the day together, etc.. None of my father's girlfriends stayed the night and they didn't openly display affection in a way that made anyone uncomfortable.

 

I was older than my daughter at that time and my sister was younger. I learned a lot, about what works and doesn't - most importantly no one way is best for each child. My dad was more in tune with us as people and he managed the pace of change for us based on what he knew we could handle, and he would talk to us, explain things, etc..

 

I know my child and I will and must manage my way through this with her. My alternative is to hang on for 4 more years and let her finish high school. I will never make it. The last 5 was enough....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

wish I could pm you and implore you to stop posting. You have been generous with your posts and incredibly honest. I have stated that I could not have handled a situation as yours with such grace and dignity.

 

I also think you are being unfair with the OW, as she should be part of your life and not shielded (if that is what she wishes) after your separation/divorce. You tried oh so hard to make it work, even after your wife shut down completely for longer then most men could bare. I see no reason your daughter does not know this shortly after you announce the separation. She will be your legacy and needs to know what a healthy relationship is and not the sham that was the last 5 years. She needs to know you tried, but made mistakes and that she will deserve better in her relationships going forward. She needs to understand love, respect, intimacy.

 

As for your wife, I am still shaking my head at how she responded to the affair. The indifference and only worry being Monet/Status and the outside perception of your failed marriage. You should be honest that YOU never stopped loving her, SHE was the one who stopped loving you.

 

Yep I'm the bitter one for your marriage and how she treated you. Yes you should have pushed for MC/IC earlier, but I too understand how conflicted you were and also the materialistic side that you wanted to succeed career wise.

 

Again don't short change your daughter or the OW. You deserve happiness.

[wheelwright]

My suspicion would be that Mr. Confused's wife cheated on him first, but she managed to keep it successfully concealed.

 

Her cheating would be consistent with giving him a "pass" on his affair and also consistent with her prolonged lack of affection towards him.

 

Sometimes wives don't want to bang their Hs anymore. This seems to be a fact of life.

 

Once this happens to a wife, they may or may not look elsewhere - if they don't do it physically, they are either closed down or doing it in fantasy or reality elsewhere.

 

No way of knowing which, but does it really matter? Closed down and doing it elsewhere (fantasy or reality), or closed down and remaining faithful?

 

If I were a guy with such a wife, I would wish she were getting her rocks off somewhere. I don't like to think of people as dead.

Edited November 22, 2011 by wheelwright

[Lexygirl]

Mr. Confused,

I have read your entire thread from start to finish here and have many thoughts but since it is so late, I am just going to address a couple main issues that keep coming up as very prevalent in my mind....

 

You do seem to be resentful that your wife didn't react in the way you expected her to when she found out about your affair (and rightly so) BUT have you actually come out and asked her specifically why her reaction is not outwardly emotional? This is VERY important information for you in moving forward IMO.

 

I worry that she sees your affair as something you may have done once to get your sexual needs met and that is all it was and ever will be and she actually loves you enough to forgive and forget and hopes to just move on together like it always was?

I worry that she doesn't see the gravity of what has transpired.

I worry she is in deep denial. I have a strong feeling that, even though you say you two have communicated, she doesn't 'get' that sex to you is more than just 'getting your rocks off' ... you would have had to communicate this in specific terms (ie. I want sex with you because I love you and I want to feel emotionally connected to you)... Did you say this?

 

I do believe that she thinks everything will just go back to the way it always was... I think it's going to come as a huge shock to her if/when you tell her that you want a divorce and an even bigger shock knowing that you were having an ONGOING affair lasting 2 years.

 

Just food for thought because unless you are completely open and honest about what is in YOUR mind and heart and unless you try to get down to HER true thoughts and feelings, you are leaving this marriage with unfinished business PLUS you aren't learning from the past.

If you leave this marriage without understanding EXACTLY what went wrong from both sides, you run the true risk of falling into the same situation in the future (which I believe you know)

I truly think you both need some serious IC as well and her refusal to go tells me she is in denial.... It is easier to just lean towards the positives in life and not have to deal with the negatives. BUT when it comes to healing from a disconnected marriage we need to face what has happened and really, truly work on ourselves either WITH our partner or alone.

 

Hope this helps and makes sense since I'm writing at 3 am lol.

 

Hang in there. I understand how painful it can all be... I'm going through a seperation/divorce myself.

[nofool4u]

You do seem to be resentful that your wife didn't react in the way you expected her to when she found out about your affair (and rightly so)

 

Rightly so?

 

Sorry, but a cheater doesn't get to expect a particular action. Basically that is justifying the cheating. Thinking that their cheating should be a wake up call to get them to act the way they want. Someone best described that as emotional extortion.

 

If she didn't act the way he wanted to, they should have parted ways. Not him go out and cheat and expect to have her bow down before him and bend to his will after he went out and had an affair.

[Mr_Confused]

NF4U - bitter much?

 

My "expected reaction" was that she would care. I think you are right though, it would be foolish to expect someone to care who you have sex with if it is a person that hasn't wanted to engage in any for of intimacy with you....for years. I guess I was stupid to think there was some semblance of a relationship I was putting in jeopardy. Foolish indeed....downright extortion.

 

Perhaps the lesson is you can't be loyal to someone about something you don't have together. How can I love only you if we don't love each other. Wow, I'll chalk that up to my one deep thought for the day.

 

Live and learn....

 

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

C. S. Lewis

 

[frozensprouts]

mr coonfused...

 

you say that when you told your wife about your affair that you didn't get the level of angst you had hoped for ( meaning, according to you, that she doesn't care). But one thing i was wondering about... what she ever an emotionally demonstrative person, or has she always been more of the strong silent type?

If she was always one to get upset easily or really show her emotions, I could understand what you mean when you say you are dismayed by her reaction. But if she was never like that, why do you suddenly expect her to change? Is that really fair to her?

 

Some people like that feel pain very deeply, even more deeply than those who aremuch more emotionally demonstrative. I know you think she doesn't care, but she very likely does, but maybe she doesn't trust you enough right now to share that with you, maybe it hasn't really "sunk in", yet...who knows?

 

is it possible that part of he reason she isn't reacting as strongly as you thnk she should because she has known about your affair for a lot longer than she is telling you? You say it has bee going on for two years...maybe she already knew about it, and was willing to look the other way because she loved you enough to recognize that she wasn't meeting your needs.

[nofool4u]

NF4U - bitter much?

 

My "expected reaction" was that she would care.

 

Sorry, but for most, the first reaction is anger. Your mistake was thinking that you sticking your d!ck in another woman would have her breaking down and slobbering all over you. Sorry, doesn't work that way, at least initially.

 

Oh, and you can dispense with the "bitter" lames. It truly is lame. I find that calling the betrayed bitter is all cheaters have to cling to.

[Mr_Confused]

I was more shocked by the content of the conversation than how she physically responded.

 

Recap:

1. she quickly dismissed the affair - she claims to understand why I wld seek comfort elsewhere since that option does not exist at home

2. she was sad for two days, and we talked, but left on day three for fun in the sun in the Caribbean with her friends.

3. the affair has never been discussed since

4. Upon returning from her vacation her primary follow-up concern was what her financial disposition and "lifestyle" would be should we divorce. I assured her it would not be compromised and no dialog has ever occurred since.

 

I only have my experience. I just contrast it to the hurt, devastation, and fall-out I see here and on other similar forums and it is hard to reconcile.

 

Where does it all leave me.....unfortunately....in the same place. She is, best I can tell, carrying on as we have all along, my child has two parents, we are in a better place financially than if we had parted long ago.

 

NO WAY could I ever advocate for an affair cause I see the pain it causes, at the same time once "fix it" was out of the equation for me I had a short list of options. I met my needs elsewhere - and ironically - for reasons I simply cannot articulate - those consequences seem insignificant relative to the others..... I remain baffled. The only explanation is she is either in an affair herself.....and I can't find any evidence of it. Maybe she is asexual, has no need for intimacy, or just lost all love for me.....I really don't know. I gave up on "why"....prior to my affair....I just have to focus on what to do going forward.

[Mr_Confused]

Sorry, but for most, the first reaction is anger. Your mistake was thinking that you sticking your d!ck in another woman would have her breaking down and slobbering all over you. Sorry, doesn't work that way, at least initially.

 

Oh, and you can dispense with the "bitter" lames. It truly is lame. I find that calling the betrayed bitter is all cheaters have to cling to.

 

 

Nope, sorry, no anger...... doesn't care....

 

My betrayal was wrong - (CAPS - BIG FONT - PERIOD).

 

Not real pleased about her unilateral decision to no longer engage in intimate relations with her husband (that's me ) for multiple years. Two wrongs sure won't make anything right.

 

Constantly amazed at the emotional reaction I get from strangers and the non-reaction I got from my spouse. I found it pretty straight forward - when your spouse is in tears and tell you they cannot live their life without human touch and WONT - and you have that conversation for YEARS - you have options and those options have consequences. So did my options & actions - and I am fully accountable for them. Integrity means having actions to support your words - mine do - and for all that has transpired - when it's all said and done - she knows it. I wanted her, I craved her, she knows it. I don't answer to you - I answer to her, and I look her straight in the eye and we both know the facts.

 

Personally I don't care if you are bitter or not....I don't know you. I don't cast first stones here, I share my experience and seek to learn. You can obviously do and post as you please, but don't make personal attacks if you don't welcome them yourself.

[frozensprouts]

I was more shocked by the content of the conversation than how she physically responded.

 

Recap:

1. she quickly dismissed the affair - she claims to understand why I wld seek comfort elsewhere since that option does not exist at home

i know you don't see it this way, but that sounds like a pretty selfless act to me

2. she was sad for two days, and we talked, but left on day three for fun in the sun in the Caribbean with her friends.

she was sad but went on a pre arranged vacation to take her mind off of it and try to find a bit of happiness... you found yours your way and it sounds like she fond hers. what would you rather she have done? sit at home and beg you for one more chance? grovel at your feet?

3. the affair has never been discussed since

maybe because she knows noting she says/doesn't say will change anything that you are doing

4. Upon returning from her vacation her primary follow-up concern was what her financial disposition and "lifestyle" would be should we divorce. I assured her it would not be compromised and no dialog has ever occurred since.

again, you are seeing this the way you want to see it, which is understandable...i just think it's royally unfair for you to not to try and at least see it from her perspective and not what You think she's feeling. I mean you have been in a two year long affair, and she's the one who should feel bad? Really think about that for a minute.

I only have my experience. I just contrast it to the hurt, devastation, and fall-out I see here and on other similar forums and it is hard to reconcile.

 

Everyone handles things differently...like when one hears terrible news 0f a death in the family, etc.- some go numb, some can't deal with it and go into themselves, some cry, scream, become hysterical...some show no emotion at all...all these people are hurt equally but do not show it the same way

 

Where does it all leave me.....unfortunately....in the same place. She is, best I can tell, carrying on as we have all along, my child has two parents, we are in a better place financially than if we had parted long ago.

 

okay...but can you honestly say that anything would have changed if she had reacted the way you think she should have? would you have ended your affair, tried to improve your marriage, etc.? what changes would YOU have made?

 

NO WAY could I ever advocate for an affair cause I see the pain it causes, at the same time once "fix it" was out of the equation for me I had a short list of options. I met my needs elsewhere - and ironically - for reasons I simply cannot articulate - those consequences seem insignificant relative to the others..... I remain baffled.

 

The only explanation is she is either in an affair herself.....and I can't find any evidence of it. Maybe she is asexual, has no need for intimacy, or just lost all love for me.....I really don't know. I gave up on "why"....prior to my affair....I just have to focus on what to do going forward.

 

one more question...if you hadn't met your "other woman", what do you think would have happened? were you this terribly unhappy and unsatisfied before you met her or did those feelings grow once it became apparent she would be willing to get involved with you?

 

 

 

please find responses in bold

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You have been more then forthcoming. To debate those that look for fault and will not accept infidelity regardless is futile. The fact you have said it is wrong (and frankly I disagree, and was one previously who thought all cheating is wrong) says much about you and your character.

 

Again I hope for nothing but the best and frankly I am (as a complete stranger) more upset at your spouse then probably you are.

[Mr_Confused]

I understand your points and perspective. We are at a grain that will be difficult to explain. I can say this in summary, my wife is not a meek, quiet, reserved person. She runs a 100+ person organization, commands her domain. She is not one to quietly and passively take what comes her way.

 

I can only speculate what she is thinking and it's probably closer to reality given I've lived with this woman for 20 years. It could be a case of not seeing the trees from the forest - being so close - but the traits and behavior of person as you describe what she is possible thinking is not that of my wife.

 

I know she doesn't want a divorce, but I think those motives are driven by fear of change, impact to my daughter and the oh so important $. I can't do anything but ask. And upon her return from the vacation her first and foremost concern was $ - and there was no ambiguity about it - she made it clear, she is used to multiple homes, country clubs, nice cares, wonderful vacations and she was concerned what a post divorce lifestyle would look like for her.

 

I didn't want a pity party. Hell I took all the inappropriate actions. Just if anywhere, instead of dismissing the affair, she had given any indication that is hurt to know a man she loves is naked and intimate with another woman - it wold have left me with some shred of hope.

 

I don't know what would have happened had I not met this OW. I know I didn't run up to her and get physical. Classic "I wasn't looking for an affair" crap I read every damn time. I can tell you I was vulnerable as hell. I was craving attention of any kind. It could have been her or someone else I suppose. I'm not a believer in "soul mates". I found her attractive, but I work with a lot of attractive women. Hell, I consider myself attractive, and a physical act of sex is not particularly hard for me to obtain if that were my objective. What got me interested in her was simply her interest in me. If I told her I was worried abut something - she would inquire later as to how that went. If I worried about something - she may later ask if it went ok.

 

I think what has killed my marriage is less about sex, lord knows I need it, but it was more the emotional intimacy. I'm fallible, big time and I have a host of people here to remind me, which is fine. I am also human, and what I truly believe allowed me to enter an affair was simply the need to connect with another person. To laugh, tell tell stories, to feel like someone cares, to care for someone that wanted that from me.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Mr_Confused

[nofool4u]

I was more shocked by the content of the conversation than how she physically responded.

 

Recap:

1. she quickly dismissed the affair - she claims to understand why I wld seek comfort elsewhere since that option does not exist at home

 

Well hell, isn't that enough for you? Most BS's wouldn't admit that much.

 

What did you want her to do, have a nervous breakdown?

 

 

2. she was sad for two days, and we talked, but left on day three for fun in the sun in the Caribbean with her friends.

 

Ok, she was sad. Isn't that what you wanted? The fact that she came to her senses and said, "f*** this!" and left to do something for herself is completely understandable after finding out her husband screwed some other woman.

 

 

3. the affair has never been discussed since

 

And? You want to keep it in her face or something? Maybe it hasn't been discussed since because she is now doing the same thing. Food for thought.

 

 

4. Upon returning from her vacation her primary follow-up concern was what her financial disposition and "lifestyle" would be should we divorce. I assured her it would not be compromised and no dialog has ever occurred since.

 

Hate to say it, but thats probably the first thing most people do think about when trying to decide on divorce. But its mostly thought of by the breadwinner.

 

I know that was in my mind, but someone asked me, "why is divorce so expensive?" Answer: its worth it.

 

 

Where does it all leave me.....unfortunately....in the same place. She is, best I can tell, carrying on as we have all along, my child has two parents, we are in a better place financially than if we had parted long ago.

 

So you expected your screwing around to make her want to have sex with you? I know your situation was a tad different than mine, seeing as how I did initiate affection and sex. But after finding out she cheated, last thing I wanted was to touch her:sick:

 

 

The only explanation is she is either in an affair herself

 

Quite possible.

[nofool4u]

You have been more then forthcoming. To debate those that look for fault and will not accept infidelity regardless is futile.

 

I agree with the bolded part. Its futile to debate someone who faults their spouse for their decision to cheat.

[Mr_Confused]

Nf4u - i hope u find happiness again.

 

I will not debate every word with you. My wife and will solve this. She does not love me and hasnt for a long time. I have lost my love for her. I shldnt have engaged in an affair. I will disolve this marriage the best way possible and shelter my child from as much pain as possible because she is the innocent one. We all derserve better.

 

Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts.....i know you mean well.....

[wheelwright]

I was more shocked by the content of the conversation than how she physically responded.

 

Recap:

1. she quickly dismissed the affair - she claims to understand why I wld seek comfort elsewhere since that option does not exist at home

I only have my experience. I just contrast it to the hurt, devastation, and fall-out I see here and on other similar forums and it is hard to reconcile.

 

NO WAY could I ever advocate for an affair cause I see the pain it causes

 

I am wondering if she was hurt or not? With hindsight, surely a partly decent way to view our actions, there was no .. um .. pain. Except for you in the lack of pain from her.

 

I am confused too, Mr Confused!

[SBC]

I am also human, and what I truly believe allowed me to enter an affair was simply the need to connect with another person. To laugh, tell tell stories, to feel like someone cares, to care for someone that wanted that from me.

 

What is stopping you from having these things? Your wife and her non-emotion? Your marriage? Your daughter?

 

I dont get it.

 

Oh wait, yes I do.

 

Money. Money is stopping you.

 

You have sticker shock.

 

But it is a simple math problem.

 

What do YOU envision your wife's post divorce life like? I bet it is not what she hopes it looks like. So, what is it going to cost you to get your divorce?

 

And is the price worth it -- How old are you? If you are young, you have to ask, do you want to live this way another 40 years? If you are older, you have to ask, is this my last chance?

 

And finally, do you have the strength of character to stand by whatever decision you make until it is completely carried out? If you don't, turn back now because this is where you will get chewed up and spit out.

[Mr_Confused]

What is stopping you from having these things? Your wife and her non-emotion? Your marriage? Your daughter?

 

I dont get it.

 

Oh wait, yes I do.

 

Money. Money is stopping you.

 

You have sticker shock.

 

But it is a simple math problem.

 

What do YOU envision your wife's post divorce life like? I bet it is not what she hopes it looks like. So, what is it going to cost you to get your divorce?

 

And is the price worth it -- How old are you? If you are young, you have to ask, do you want to live this way another 40 years? If you are older, you have to ask, is this my last chance?

 

And finally, do you have the strength of character to stand by whatever decision you make until it is completely carried out? If you don't, turn back now because this is where you will get chewed up and spit out.

 

 

Now you're being funny. Why don't you ask a question before you declare your ignorance? My poor devastated wife will leave with our primary home and ~$750k in cash & cash equivalents and some residual recurring income to help make ends meet. Should she encounter any obstacles she has her own retirement account to lean on - give me a break. We aren't rolling around in Bentleys, but I have a feeling she'll scrape by.

 

In 2008, hmm, we would have foreclosed 2 homes w/ negative equity, sold our portfolio at about 50% of today's value.

 

I'm in my mid-40's.

 

Who is going to chew me up? My wife? Oh I don't think so, my wife will be aye ok once she gets her head around the $$. She'll be chewing lobster tails, not me, with her girlfriends...trust me.

 

What stops me???? A little 95 pound 14 year old girl that has the prettiest eyes and sweetest voice I've ever seen and heard. I've put up with an a$$ load of unhappiness to protect her and I don't have one regret - thank you kindly. She is doing great academically and athletically. I could not be any more proud of her and our relationship. She is without question the greatest thing in my life and it's a privilege to be her father.

 

Any fool but me would have walked 3 or 4 years ago, but I'd rather be here tying to figure out how the hell I got myself here, than on a forum trying to figure out how to deal with a troubled child from a broken home that had to leave her private school and make new friends cause her daddy was full of integrity and refused to live in a loveless marriage so he left in the middle of (what is hopefully) the worst economic downturn we will see in our generation.

 

I came to an infidelity forum cause I wanted to hear it all from the most mistreated people possible. I found exactly what I expected. People angry as hell and bitter as can be about cheaters. You loved people that betrayed you, it's terrible, I don't blame you one bit. I came here to see if anyone had sentiments like my wife. Haven't found ONE, NOT ONE. I wanted final confirmation - not from one or two, but in numbers....and you all gave it me. Thank you!!!

 

 

I sincerely wish you all nothing but the best.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Now you're being funny. Why don't you ask a question before you declare your ignorance? My poor devastated wife will leave with our primary home and ~$750k in cash & cash equivalents and some residual recurring income to help make ends meet. Should she encounter any obstacles she has her own retirement account to lean on - give me a break. We aren't rolling around in Bentleys, but I have a feeling she'll scrape by.

 

In 2008, hmm, we would have foreclosed 2 homes w/ negative equity, sold our portfolio at about 50% of today's value.

 

I'm in my mid-40's.

 

Who is going to chew me up? My wife? Oh I don't think so, my wife will be aye ok once she gets her head around the $$. She'll be chewing lobster tails, not me, with her girlfriends...trust me.

 

What stops me???? A little 95 pound 14 year old girl that has the prettiest eyes and sweetest voice I've ever seen and heard. I've put up with an a$$ load of unhappiness to protect her and I don't have one regret - thank you kindly. She is doing great academically and athletically. I could not be any more proud of her and our relationship. She is without question the greatest thing in my life and it's a privilege to be her father.

 

Any fool but me would have walked 3 or 4 years ago, but I'd rather be here tying to figure out how the hell I got myself here, than on a forum trying to figure out how to deal with a troubled child from a broken home that had to leave her private school and make new friends cause her daddy was full of integrity and refused to live in a loveless marriage so he left in the middle of (what is hopefully) the worst economic downturn we will see in our generation.

 

I came to an infidelity forum cause I wanted to hear it all from the most mistreated people possible. I found exactly what I expected. People angry as hell and bitter as can be about cheaters. You loved people that betrayed you, it's terrible, I don't blame you one bit. I came here to see if anyone had sentiments like my wife. Haven't found ONE, NOT ONE. I wanted final confirmation - not from one or two, but in numbers....and you all gave it me. Thank you!!!

 

 

I sincerely wish you all nothing but the best.

 

Piece of work your wife is. Enough of defending her, she deserves none. She created a toxic, unhappy household for years. Now to have had your problems in 2008 with homes and $$ signs to consider, oh if we all had such decisions to make. I have been in your corner since the first post Mr_Confused and you are absolutely right in what you say and have written.

 

I am sorry your daughter may never appreciate your sacrifices, and only hope she understands true loving relationships when she grows older. I can only imagine what she has seen the last 5+ years or what her mom will tell/show her going forward. Are you sure staying was in fact the best thing for her?

 

No need to answer as you have been more then fair and patient with your thoughts, comments and time.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[ThinkBelieve]

Mr. Confused,

 

I am SO SORRY to hear what you are going through...it is heart-breaking.

 

I have been following your posts and I just got caught up.

 

I really hope you are able to work this out with your family...I'm really pulling for you.

 

IMHO, if I may suggest, perhaps you may wish to consider sitting down with your wife and having a long, honest talk with her? I am merely suggesting.

 

I can relate to your situation because I am in a similar position and will need to do that with my spouse.

 

However, I think it is a necessary step to see where one stands a relationship. I suppose, to try to look at this positively, if you are at the bottom, all you can do is go upward. At least that would give some direction with how to proceed in moving forward.

 

It is obvious that you are a loving, devoted father trying to do the best for your child and your family. Your child is so fortunate to have a considerate, dedicated father who cares about her future and well-being so much.

 

I will always be grateful to you for coming to my defense when I first arrived on LoveShack. Thank you!

 

I sincerely wish you the Best.

Edited November 30, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[LifesontheUp]

No, my parents are divorced. Their marriage was never great. They both are remarried and have been for over 20 years. I remember the pain of them splitting but not as much as I remember when they fell in love with their current spouses - I vividly recall thinking I had never seen them happier and it's hard to now imagine them ever being married.

 

I posted on another thread to you if you remember Mr Confused. Me, my sister and brother were happier when our parents split than when they were together.

 

Now I'm not saying you should do this, as I get the feeling that you really are reluctant to leave your marriage.

 

Can I ask why you nor your wife haven't talked about your affair since it came out over 4 months ago? I can understand that your wife may want to bury it "down deep" in order to stop any hurt she will be feeling. But why haven't you spoken to your wife?

 

I also notice that you travel. Do you travel a lot? Could this be part of your wifes disconnect?

 

Where did your communication with each other go?

[Athena]

I am having an affair.

 

It started as perhaps a poor method to deal with my sexless marriage (and by sexless I mean ZERO sex going on year 5).

 

I thought perhaps if I had a sexual outlet I could remain in the marriage and stay a full time parent and continue to improve our finances.

 

Oh.....but it has proven itself no solution at all.

 

My wife has since discovered the affair. She was not terribly shocked, claims she understands why and doesn't fault me. She now thinks we can "fix" all out problems and find intimacy again. Unfortunately I question her motives. I think she wants to remain comfortable, enjoy my income, and not deal with change.

So what? Those are your exact motives too, right? You ALSO didn't want to deal with change, you also wanted to remain comfortable, you also wanted to enjoy your income (cuz divorce with child support and alimony sure would cut into your income and you wouldn't enjoy as much of it to yourself....).

 

I have also developed feelings for the OW and more importantly lost desire and feelings for my wife during this long period of no intimacy. We have not shared feelings, touched, kissed passionately for years and the love that is left is more of a sibling love than that of a marriage.

 

I don't know what to do.... Most of me wants to leave and find love elsewhere

Find love elsewhere? Where? With your other woman? You said you've developed feelings for her -- do you wish to find love with her, or do you mean you will look elsewhere altogether?

Is your affair partner available for love, or is she taken? Does she wish to be exclusive with you?

 

but fear cripples me from moving forward.

Some of us are explorers, going out into the wilderness and taking risks, and some of us are not... we stay behind and suffer what we know. Clearly your character does not do the whole bravery thing. Most of us are not leaders anyway, and find comfort in the Known.

 

It's been months since my wife discovered the affair, we don't discuss it and it has not ended, we just continue to co-exist like amicable roommates.

 

What would you do?

So, has she sexed you yet? Or was that just idle talk?

You cannot really blame your wife for behaving in the exact manner you behave -- clinging to the known and fearing the unknown. So don't criticize her for that part.

 

If your wife has NOT offered sex (or if she has but you turned her down), then why not just continue seeing the OW and raising your boy in a two parent home?

Clearly the fact that your wife knows has not threatened the status quo.

Looks like you do what you've already been doing for five years -- living together raising your daughter, and biding your time.

 

How long have you been having an affair for?

 

PS: oops I see you have 200 plus entries I have to catch up on!

Edited November 30, 2011 by Athena

[Athena]

I cant imagine a scenario where my daughter would be introduced to my ow, or any other woman, within one to two years post divorce. I have no intentions of her meeting anyone. No way.

 

[...]

 

Short version answer.....my daughter will have ZERO exposure to any woman in my life for the next few years.

 

Um, so have your OW's two kids been 'exposed' to YOU?!

 

How are you going to live happily and in love with your OW but have to keep her hidden from your child for years to come?

Seems unrealistic and unfair to the woman.