Cheater looking for a solution

[frozensprouts]

Now you're being funny. Why don't you ask a question before you declare your ignorance? My poor devastated wife will leave with our primary home and ~$750k in cash & cash equivalents and some residual recurring income to help make ends meet. Should she encounter any obstacles she has her own retirement account to lean on - give me a break. We aren't rolling around in Bentleys, but I have a feeling she'll scrape by.

 

In 2008, hmm, we would have foreclosed 2 homes w/ negative equity, sold our portfolio at about 50% of today's value.

 

I'm in my mid-40's.

 

Who is going to chew me up? My wife? Oh I don't think so, my wife will be aye ok once she gets her head around the $$. She'll be chewing lobster tails, not me, with her girlfriends...trust me.

 

What stops me???? A little 95 pound 14 year old girl that has the prettiest eyes and sweetest voice I've ever seen and heard. I've put up with an a$$ load of unhappiness to protect her and I don't have one regret - thank you kindly. She is doing great academically and athletically. I could not be any more proud of her and our relationship. She is without question the greatest thing in my life and it's a privilege to be her father.

 

Any fool but me would have walked 3 or 4 years ago, but I'd rather be here tying to figure out how the hell I got myself here, than on a forum trying to figure out how to deal with a troubled child from a broken home that had to leave her private school and make new friends cause her daddy was full of integrity and refused to live in a loveless marriage so he left in the middle of (what is hopefully) the worst economic downturn we will see in our generation.

 

Oh come off of it. " Full of integrety"... pffftttt... You did this because you didn't wat to take a hit to your wallet. This stuff about your daughter being the main reason you stayed is silly. You know what? LOTS of people move, lots of kids change schools, lots of kids parents get divorced. Some of us have to move a lot- my own family will be moving again soon, as my husband is in the army and when they say it's time to move, you go, like it or not. Our kids will be fine, because I will make sure of that. YOU could have done that too, maybe you would have had to cut out some "extras" for yourself to make sure your daughter stayed in her private school, but you didn't do that. You took the path of least resistance and cheated. I understand why you did it, but quit kidding yourself about the reasons why. If you want to have a happy relationship in the future, perhaps it would do you well to find out the real reasons why you made the choices you did, as otherwise you risk making them again using other excuses.

 

It really seems to me that you stayed with your wife but had an affair for a few years because it was what was easiest for YOU, not your wife or your child or the other woman you were seeing.. You got to keep your standard of living, you got to have our wife and child at home and you used your other woman for "recreation". You had the best of everything, and all you had to do to get it was lie and sneak.

I came to an infidelity forum cause I wanted to hear it all from the most mistreated people possible. I found exactly what I expected. People angry as hell and bitter as can be about cheaters. You loved people that betrayed you, it's terrible, I don't blame you one bit. I came here to see if anyone had sentiments like my wife. Haven't found ONE, NOT ONE. I wanted final confirmation - not from one or two, but in numbers....and you all gave it me. Thank you!!!

 

most people on here are no longer angry or bitter- a few are , but most aren't. The ones who come across that way to you maybe seem angry , but I would guess that it's not because they are angry at their own situation so much as they are angry at your attitude about all this.

 

 

I sincerely wish you all nothing but the best.

 

replies in bold..............

[Mr_Confused]

I really dnt mind wht anyone thinks. I dont care anymore the reasons. I dont care if i am the blame. I aceept the role of being the 'bad guy'.

 

It can be debated indefinitely to assess fault. It will accomplish nothing.

 

When it is all said and done this marriage has been done in every way but legally for far too long. Nothing will change unless i change it......so i will.

 

I am not worried about my ow. What will be will be....remain optimistic....but i am leaving for me because i refuse to live in a loveless marriage and i refuse to spend my life running/sneaking around.

 

I am taking a hiatus from my affair, meeting with my lawyer, and getting prepared to put this marriage in a legal status that reflects its physical state - DONE.

[SBC]

I really dnt mind wht anyone thinks. I dont care anymore the reasons. I dont care if i am the blame. I aceept the role of being the 'bad guy'.

 

It can be debated indefinitely to assess fault. It will accomplish nothing.

 

When it is all said and done this marriage has been done in every way but legally for far too long. Nothing will change unless i change it......so i will.

 

I am not worried about my ow. What will be will be....remain optimistic....but i am leaving for me because i refuse to live in a loveless marriage and i refuse to spend my life running/sneaking around.

 

I am taking a hiatus from my affair, meeting with my lawyer, and getting prepared to put this marriage in a legal status that reflects its physical state - DONE.

 

Excellent!

 

Truly, this is the kindest and greatest gift you can give to your daughter. Staying with her mother, even though you hate it, is doing your daughter no favors --in fact, it is a terribly unfair burden that so many people dump on their kids. Everyone deserves the right to pursue their happiness, and if you don't demonstrate that to her through your actions, you are sentencing her to a life of unhappiness. Children learn from their parent's actions, not their words.

 

Good luck!

[nofool4u]

Nf4u - i hope u find happiness again.

 

I'm quite happy. I'm no longer married to a wh0re.

 

Just because I despise cheating doesn't mean I'm not happy. I was miserable married to a cheater. I am no longer in that situation and will never be married again. Thats the way I like it. And I absolutely love dating around again. Not being married will allow me to easily bolt if I see character in someone I don't like.

 

 

I will not debate every word with you. My wife and will solve this. She does not love me and hasnt for a long time. I have lost my love for her. I shldnt have engaged in an affair. I will disolve this marriage the best way possible and shelter my child from as much pain as possible because she is the innocent one. We all derserve better.

 

Thats good to hear:)

[Athena]

Mr. Confused, I'm in your age bracket and my husband is five years older. I, like you, stayed in a difficult and hurtful marriage with my spouse for the sake of the children having a two parent home AND because I loved him despite his infidelity.

 

But over the years it became obvious that despite him pleading with me that he had learned his lesson and would never cheat again, that he loved me so much, that he really needed help to change, etc etc (all delaying tactics on his part to keep me stuck with him while I had hope that he would stop cheating) he had never changed and was incapable of doing so -- just like your wife is incapable of fulfilling your needs by being loving, sexual, passionate and affectionate with you so too was my husband incapable of fulfilling my needs by being faithful, living at HOME year around, and working locally (he chose work contracts abroad). These things I needed from him, but he would not give them to me, despite empty promises to stop cheating, and to 'come home at the end of the year,' each year he would promise it was to be THAT year.

 

So, I completely understand you when you say you did what you could to take the least hit overall -- for you, five or ten years ago when you were deciding to stay or leave, you could see your ducks were not in a row. Financially it does not make sense to walk out prematurely only to lose everything. Marriage-wise you do not give up without giving it a lot of time and your best shot. And as a parent you do not bolt and become a part-time father just because sex was not forthcoming at first.

But over time, when you saw in hindsight that your wife was abusive to you (her withholding sex but having you under contract that wouldn't allow you to go elsewhere to get it either), you had to make changes to your life plans.

 

I agree with you that you have every right to delay divorce until you are well and ready to do so. If you delayed it by five years, or more, that is what was needed to be sure of your decision to leave, and to feel good about yourself that you did not desert your family prematurely.

 

Of course it's not a good thing for you to have put yourself into the 'cheater' category because you now feel dishonorable and feel like you lost your integrity (although it is understandable that you eventually moved towards getting your needs met in that way since your wife was non-negotiable). It's understandable, but now it is a worry for you because you don't know if you will turn to doing underhanded moves in the future to suit yourself, and sell your integrity once more if you find yourself in a lose-lose situation again (be it in business or intimate relationships) .... so she basically has you cornered with your own character being damaged in that way.

 

I guess it is easy to be good and moral and honest and upstanding when everything goes our way, and it may well show a lack in our character (to begin with) when we 'fail' to keep our integrity because of the pressure others put on us.

The thing is, while you can forgive yourself, you also need to worry about it, so you can be sure to NOT repeat the easier option when you are once again put into a similar situation in the future. Do you understand what I mean? There's always an explanation and a reasoning that we all do for our less desirable behaviors -- I'm sure even murderers can explain why they were forced to kill their wives or CEO's could show you how they felt owed the millions their company had...

I think it becomes easier for people to ignore their good intentions once they start on a selfish path where they self-serve their needs and however understandable, it is STILL a 'slippery slope'.

 

So, yeah, back to your marriage -- you are fully entitled to live with your wife and in this marriage until you are ready to leave and change it. Just be aware of how your past choices may negatively influence your future choices, when similar obstacles block your desires.

If you truly want to live with integrity and be consistent in your character, you cannot allow for loopholes in your behavior, no matter how reasonable the explanation.

And you do this for YOURSELF, not for a wife, or a family member -- because you have to live with yourself.

 

So you must have very strict boundary lines in place from here on out.

You cannot conditionally depend on other people in your life to first and always be morally and ethically impeccable before YOU are thus, as well ... you have to be true to your word DESPITE what others turn out to do. You have to be prepared to be independently honorable and live with integrity no matter what gets thrown your way. From here on out.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Athena

[Athena]

One day when you explain to your daughter why you went outside the marriage vows to fulfill your needs, and you catch yourself hoping she'll be on 'your side' and agree with you that it was only reasonable for you to do so, stop yourself.

 

You'll just be giving her the message that you can do the 'wrong' thing and break your vows and promises (i.e. act without integrity) when it suits you and the situation is compelling enough.

 

When the goalposts are shifting, how can you be a moral and ethical person with any kind of consistency? You can't.

Therefore you cannot give enough reasons in the hopes of convincing someone that what you did was okay under the circumstances. Ethical behavior is always black and white. There is no room for gray.

[Athena]

BTW that is why I don't think you will be with your Other Woman -- because how can you right yourself while still in a relationship with her?

She will be a constant reminder of you behaving unethically, and will be the daily proof of the character flaw in you.

 

There is no way to truly get back your integrity AND hold on to her. She has to be given up, along with all the poor choices.

The slate has to be wiped clean, and you have to consistently guard your choices from here on out.

 

If you decide to be half-arsed about this, to try get your integrity back while still holding on to your affair partner, you will fail miserably.

[SBC]

Athena, wow that was powerful writing. Very convincing.

 

Only it is not true.

 

You referred to black and white and gray.

 

There is no true black. Color is light. Black is a complete absence of light, and even in deep space this is a rare phenomenon. I don't believe it exists anywhere on this planet --not even in black and white examples of human integrity and ethics.

 

Everything on earth is a matter of gray.

 

So, the question is --what is the concentration of black to white someone is willing to live with in their lives.

Edited December 1, 2011 by SBC

[ThinkBelieve]

I really dnt mind wht anyone thinks. I dont care anymore the reasons. I dont care if i am the blame. I aceept the role of being the 'bad guy'.

 

It can be debated indefinitely to assess fault. It will accomplish nothing.

 

When it is all said and done this marriage has been done in every way but legally for far too long. Nothing will change unless i change it......so i will.

 

I am not worried about my ow. What will be will be....remain optimistic....but i am leaving for me because i refuse to live in a loveless marriage and i refuse to spend my life running/sneaking around.

 

I am taking a hiatus from my affair, meeting with my lawyer, and getting prepared to put this marriage in a legal status that reflects its physical state - DONE.

 

 

Mr. C, I think what you are doing is commendable, especially if you feel you are done and it cannot be improved.

 

After reading all of your posts, one can deduce you are a man of integrity. You first looked to understand, then to be understood. No one, except you, has walked a day in your shoes. So people shouldn't cast stones. You are changing your life for the better, even though it is scary, and that is very respectable.

 

To quote a much better person than myself, "If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you will never change the outcome". ~Michael Jordan

 

I wish you the Best

Edited December 1, 2011 by ThinkBelieve

[Athena]

 

You referred to black and white and gray.

 

There is no true black. Color is light. Black is a complete absence of light, and even in deep space this is a rare phenomenon. I don't believe it exists anywhere on this planet

 

I was using "black and white" as a metaphor.

[SBC]

I was using "black and white" as a metaphor.

 

 

And not a good one, because it crashed your entire three post argument.

[Athena]

... Mr. Confused, I hope there's something in my posts to help you with how to get your Integrity back.

[SBC]

 

Athena you made a good point.

 

also, most people would never lightly throw away their life earnings and savings just to say they will divorce before they sleep with someone. you had to do what you had to do.

 

You do realize that your comment here is in DIRECT opposition to what you referred to as the "good point" that Athena was making, right?

[despicableME]

I am taking a hiatus from my affair, meeting with my lawyer, and getting prepared to put this marriage in a legal status that reflects its physical state - DONE.

 

This is the best thing you can do. I just don't understand why it took and "exit" affair to sping you into action.

[Athena]

 

 

Originally Posted by Leelou

 

Athena you made a good point.

 

also, most people would never lightly throw away their life earnings and savings just to say they will divorce before they sleep with someone. you had to do what you had to do.

 

QUOTE=SBC

 

You do realize that your comment here is in DIRECT opposition to what you referred to as the "good point" that Athena was making, right?

 

 

So, I completely understand you when you say you did what you could to take the least hit overall -- for you, five or ten years ago when you were deciding to stay or leave, you could see your ducks were not in a row. Financially it does not make sense to walk out prematurely only to lose everything. Marriage-wise you do not give up without giving it a lot of time and your best shot..

 

SBC -- You're not one of those people who go off topic to try pick apart what people say, are you?

If you are, you're not a very careful reader. The points above are essentially, similar.

Do everyone a favor and address the OP with your advice -- don't waste our time it's completely unhelpful. And annoying.

[Mr_Confused]

This is the best thing you can do. I just don't understand why it took and "exit" affair to sping you into action.

 

I have wondered that myself.

 

I think I had to go into emotional and moral bankruptcy to get my crap together.

 

Why do people have to become broke to become financially responsible?

Why do people have to approach, or reach, obesity to eat sensibly and take care of themselves?

 

I don't know.

 

I've heard it said that every difficult change came only as a result of either desperation or inspiration. People tend to take the path of least resistance (or most comfort).

 

I think I had to hit bottom.

[SBC]

SBC -- You're not one of those people who go off topic to try pick apart what people say, are you?

If you are, you're not a very careful reader. The points above are essentially, similar.

Do everyone a favor and address the OP with your advice -- don't waste our time it's completely unhelpful. And annoying.

 

The only point I was trying to make was, there is no black and white --in anything. Your prose, while powerful and sweeping, was unrealistic. Having integrity does not mean being perfect as you suggest. While the goal may be more perfection, it is not possible, and for a person at the very bottom, telling them it is all or nothing is often the worse thing you can do. There are always shades of gray.

 

Also, are you suggesting that anyone that has successfully made the transition from affair to real relationship has flawed character?

[HappyAtLast]

Obviously late to the thread, but, male here, who was in similar shoes many, many years ago.

 

Ex-wife had an affair, early on in our marriage. Stayed till kid were grown, did my duty. My kids grew up in a happy household (I am very good at hiding my feelings) and have since grown into professional responsible adults with happy marriages and children of their own. I never told them about their mother's affair.

 

During the last year of my marriage (my youngest last year at home prior to heading to college) I met an amazing woman and allowed myself to enter into an affair. Decided that this was a once in a lifetime connection and that I was not going to deny myself as I had been doing for the last 15 years.

 

Unlike most folks on here, I have the ability to look at my life in hindsight. I also did not and do not condone my having an affair. I did and do own that completely. However, I also have had the enormous good fortune to have married this amazing woman. It has been a wonderful and fulfilling marriage and I am very grateful to have gotten a second chance at happiness.

 

Managed properly, you can move on and your children can be fine. Best wishes to you, Mr. Confused.

[Mr_Confused]

Obviously late to the thread, but, male here, who was in similar shoes many, many years ago.

 

Ex-wife had an affair, early on in our marriage. Stayed till kid were grown, did my duty. My kids grew up in a happy household (I am very good at hiding my feelings) and have since grown into professional responsible adults with happy marriages and children of their own. I never told them about their mother's affair.

 

During the last year of my marriage (my youngest last year at home prior to heading to college) I met an amazing woman and allowed myself to enter into an affair. Decided that this was a once in a lifetime connection and that I was not going to deny myself as I had been doing for the last 15 years.

 

Unlike most folks on here, I have the ability to look at my life in hindsight. I also did not and do not condone my having an affair. I did and do own that completely. However, I also have had the enormous good fortune to have married this amazing woman. It has been a wonderful and fulfilling marriage and I am very grateful to have gotten a second chance at happiness.

 

Managed properly, you can move on and your children can be fine. Best wishes to you, Mr. Confused.

 

Thanks happy at lastt! Great thread. Its been a diverse series of support and criticism and most have done so in a constructive manner. Very thankful to find this forum and appreciate all thoughts and comments.

 

If you get a chance to reply.....im curios....do you regret hanging on so long or in hi.dsight do you wish you had pursued your happiness sooner?

[HappyAtLast]

I have no regrets in my particular situation. My boys had an intact home until they went away to school. They are now both grown men, as I mentioned previously, with healthy marriages of their own and children.

 

However, in the event that I would not have been able to keep up the pretense of a happy marriage, I would have divorced earlier. I personally believe that what have been more harmful to my kids than my eventual divorce.

 

I will also say though, that it was a very lonely existence for a long time.

[nofool4u]

I have no regrets in my particular situation. My boys had an intact home until they went away to school. They are now both grown men, as I mentioned previously, with healthy marriages of their own and children.

 

However, in the event that I would not have been able to keep up the pretense of a happy marriage, I would have divorced earlier. I personally believe that what have been more harmful to my kids than my eventual divorce.

 

I will also say though, that it was a very lonely existence for a long time.

 

Did you and your wife agree to wait until the kids were grown before you divorced? Or did she pretend that she wanted to work on the marriage until the kids were out of the house?

 

I always hear the stories about the cheating wife waiting until the kids are grown, making the husband think they are working on the marriage, and then after the kids are grown she divorces, and now that more years have passed, so has the assets and the man's retirement, therefore entitling her to more of it.

 

Or was this mutual and you didn't care if she had her hooks more in you as time went by?

 

Either way I guess the end result for you is good. You are no longer with a cheating wife.

[HappyAtLast]

I made it clear to my then wife that I would be leaving the marriage once the kids were out of the house. I also made it clear that, because of that, she would need, during that time, to get whatever training or education that she desired because I would not be supporting her indefinitely.

 

However, though, despite my being 100% upfront with her through the years, she was still surprised when I followed through.

[nofool4u]

My x's attorney tried for alimony saying my x doesn't make alot of money and doesn't have the means to get a job that pays well.

 

My attorney then told them, "well then I guess your client can pay back the money to my client for paying off her student loan"

 

Alimony wasn't brought up again.

[HappyAtLast]

I agreed to a few years of support, just to be fair. But there was really no reason for it, as she had ample time and unlimited funds to prepare herself for being on her own. I felt fortunate that the courts saw things the same way that I did back then.

Edited December 7, 2011 by HappyAtLast
missed a word

[nofool4u]

I agreed to a few years of support, just to be fair.

 

Just to be fair? Fair about what?